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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can I forgive this much deceit?

707 replies

alphacourse · 25/06/2013 06:45

I am trying to figure out whether I can stay,have couples counselling, and try and work things out. Or....whether it is just too much betrayal and deceit. My mind swings between the 2 on a twice daily basis.

Background: DP has cheated on me with 2 women. He met with each one 4/5 times during my recent pregnancies. He has also met up for drinks with a few more. He met then through married affair websites.

I found out about the websites 10 weeks ago, and about the women 3 weeks ago. He followed the usual script of denial, deleting, minimising etc. Then I was contacted by a woman and he had to come clean.

He has started psychotherapy to deal with his issues. He says it was about the buzz of getting girls to be impressed by him.

How do I work out what to do for the best? Obviously he is desperate to work things out. I am prepared to listen at the minute. We have 3 DC. 2 are very small. Help me to make sense of this please!

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 20/08/2013 19:34

Wait and see, alpha

Whilst staying very much at arm's length

His agenda will unfold before your very eyes. But you will soon be too busy and too bored with him to notice, of course.

Original poster
alphacourse · 20/08/2013 19:38

There is no way he can make this right now, is there. What he has done is bad enough, but the way that he has handled it is even worse. ll the lies upon lies. The anger. The deflection and attacking. So so selfish.

OP posts:
ProphetOfDoom · 20/08/2013 19:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
alphacourse · 20/08/2013 19:59

God I hate the huffing and puffing! When did that start? He certainly didn't do it on our first date! It is a relief. I miss him, but it is much calmer and I am less tense. I do believe he wants to save us, he just has no idea how (despite me telling him!) But I waited long enough I think. I did tell him that his actions were time critical. I am starting to become irritated by his lack of emotional intelligence.

OP posts:
KatieScarlett2833 · 20/08/2013 20:11

He has every idea. But since that would mean not being a lying skank he chooses not to.

3HotCrossBuns · 20/08/2013 20:17

My H has lots of ideas but daren't do any of them for fear of it 'being the wrong thing'. But cowardice is a trait of his. Otherwise Alpha I so hear you re the lack of emotional intelligence and maturity. But then if he had either if those things he wouldn't have had his affairs. V tedious.

AnyFucker · 20/08/2013 20:17

Of course he knows what he has to do

He just doesn't think he should have to, and he is still under the impression you will come to your senses very soon and roll over like a Godd Girl

AnyFucker · 20/08/2013 20:17

*Good

Original poster
alphacourse · 20/08/2013 20:38

If he thinks that, then he doesn't know me at all! Why is he bothering reading the books his therapist gave him then, if he has no intention of changing?

Yes 3 - it is tedious

OP posts:
ageofgrandillusion · 20/08/2013 20:46

I dont know why this guy has a therapist. It makes a mockery of the whole therapy industry. I mean, what does he say to his therapist? "Why am i such a nasty, entitled, cunt?"

3HotCrossBuns · 20/08/2013 20:50

Ha ha Age - I sent a friend of mine a text earlier saying my H was welcome to carry on seeing his therapist (and wasting his money) but that it was all a load of bollocks unless there is therapy for just wanting the 'lad' lifestyle of drinking, smutty emails, dates with other women etc and being an entitled arse.

Original poster
alphacourse · 20/08/2013 21:01

That is the funny thing though......Those were issues he wrote down before he went to see this therapist. He wrote that he didnt like who he was, he was selfish and not a nice person etc. Those were some of the issues he wanted to uderstand why, and how to change them. He doesnt know that I have seen his list by the way.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 20/08/2013 21:09

You didn't need to have seen any "list"

His behaviour tells all Smile

Original poster
alphacourse · 20/08/2013 21:20

lol - that is true; I was surprised that he recognised it though.

OP posts:
JoAlone · 20/08/2013 22:11

He probably left it somewhere on purpose. The only thing he feels sorry for is himself. He thought he was clever, but its all unravelling, he will be desperate for a bit and try to tell you what he thinks you want to hear, but the damage is done, the dream has been shattered.

Original poster
alphacourse · 20/08/2013 22:22

You are right. It would take him years of therapy to sort his entitlement and selfishness out. There is no way I am putting my life on hold for that. No way. I am gutted, but it already feels less tense now he has gone I think. He will literally have nobody. No friends. No family. What a rubbish position to be in at 37, and nobody to blame but himself.

He is coming to pick DC2 up after his nap tomorrow to take him swimming. I hope I am feeling like this tomorrow. Will fake it until I can make it, as much as I can.

OP posts:
mumat39 · 20/08/2013 23:25

Hey alpha.

Thanks, Brew and Wine for you. It sounds like you're doing amazingly well, and it's great that you're feeling more calm now that you finally have the space you need to just be, iykwim.

Is it your MRI scan tomorrow? Good luck and hope it goes ok.

My offer of help is still there, though I know you have you're parents down at the moment. I hope they are able to help out a bit so you can catch up on some rest.

I hope the haircut wet well and that you enjoyed doing something for just you for a change. I oly get my haircut about twice a year but that's because I'm a lazy so and so, but even I enjoy the shampoo and little massage you get when the put the conditioner in. And I get to have a drink, usually a coffe, in peace and whilst it's still hot.

You really are doing amazingly well. Your P sounds like such an idiot. How can he ask after you and dc2 and 3 vbut nt about DC1. He really hasn't got a clue has he. He really has got alot of growing up to do.

Hope you're headaches have eased up a bit now that the tension is reduced.

Look after yourself and I hope you get some sleep and that dc3 doesnt need another middle of the night poo Wink

Xxx

mumat39 · 20/08/2013 23:28

*your. Not you're. Sorry.

Mosman · 21/08/2013 01:43

The way I looked at it was that I wanted to act really strong and together so he would feel he was missing something, if I fell apart, looked a mess then he'd think I'm glad I'm not with her. To begin with it was all about showing him what he was missing but then as the weeks went by you care less and less and other nice people start noticing you initially misguided efforts.

SomerzetMun · 22/08/2013 21:09

Hey Alpha looks like me and you are sailing in the same boat! I caught mine on these sites, in fact he was texting these women sat on the same bloody couch as me then snuggling up to me in bed after, now they had got him going!
We were together 19years and we have two teenagers, I have told him to leave. I am currently swinging between crying for days straight and attempting to move forward.
He's latest tack is that this was the shot in the arm we needed and NOW he wants to work on our marriage, I can't he has always known infidelity was game over for me.
If you need to drink wine and put the worlds to rights PM me we can both drink and type :D

mumat39 · 23/08/2013 00:27

Oh Somerzet, sorry to hear you're going through this.

Well done for standing your ground. That must have been difficult.

On the relationships threads these always talk of the 'script' and it amazes me everytime I hear another version of it. And the truth is if you stand up for yourself, like you have, the cheating exes, seem to be interested again. I mean, they are all so one dimensional and so so predictable.

I hope you are feeling stronger everyday. Every day is a day further away from his lies and that has to be a good thing. I hope your dc are ok and dealing with it all.

JoAlone · 23/08/2013 06:17

Somerzetmun Flowers. Sounds similar to my experience, except mine was looking for his next hooker to visit. We were married 16 years. He only admitted 2 years after I left him for being a general arse. It always astounds me how callously and selfishly they handle the fall out. Once you stand up and fight for yourself they suddenly seem interested, like you are a challenge now??? A year after splitting and before I knew about the 43 (at conservative estimates) other women in our marriage he actually asked me to 'try again'! They just feel a little lost for a while because they have upset their comfy lives and now look like 'the bad guy'. Can you believe mine decided to become a Christian in an effort to male himself look like a changed man and told medays after opening this can of worms that I am in unforgiveness and he has been forgiven by god, so I am going to hell!!! I just replied I don't give a fuck damn about god, he wasn't the one you cheated on. Good luck with the process, you are both on the right route.

Original poster
alphacourse · 23/08/2013 07:48

Sorry for the silence - my phone broke and I had my mri yesterday too.

I'm still doing ok I think. Much more even feeling without him here. I met him for dinner last night to talk about contact with the kids. It is so horrid to have to talk about - they are so little. And then it occurred to me that I would have to sort out Christmas too - I HATE the thought of my 3 not spending Christmas together, even if it isn't with ME!

Somer when did you find out? That is crap! Has he told you everything? DP used the sites while in the same room as me too. That is one of THE most disrespectful things isn't it?

OP posts:
Original poster
alphacourse · 23/08/2013 07:54

Jo what on earth possessed him to confess 2 years later?!

OP posts:
Wellwobbly · 23/08/2013 11:27

'He sent me a text saying he is hurting because of what I said to him. It is still all about him.'

Alpha with a narcissist it is ALWAYS about them. Please never, ever ever underestimate the depths to which he will go to manipulate you.

My H when presented with the lawyer's letter, told me he had taken with him 2 books to read about affairs. Not that he told me, or ever had any intentions of reading, but this was now my fault that I had filed.

Sorry, love - you have confused me with the idiot you USED to be able to give hope to!

Never respond, and try and have compassion for him whilst never confusing that with any expectation that he can ever be capable of mature intimacy - he really IS a scared little boy underneath the posturing.

Your problem - not. Don't let him hurt you! Untangle and let go starting now!