Can I forgive this much deceit?

[alphacourse]

I am trying to figure out whether I can stay,have couples counselling, and try and work things out. Or....whether it is just too much betrayal and deceit. My mind swings between the 2 on a twice daily basis.

Background: DP has cheated on me with 2 women. He met with each one 4/5 times during my recent pregnancies. He has also met up for drinks with a few more. He met then through married affair websites.

I found out about the websites 10 weeks ago, and about the women 3 weeks ago. He followed the usual script of denial, deleting, minimising etc. Then I was contacted by a woman and he had to come clean.

He has started psychotherapy to deal with his issues. He says it was about the buzz of getting girls to be impressed by him.

How do I work out what to do for the best? Obviously he is desperate to work things out. I am prepared to listen at the minute. We have 3 DC. 2 are very small. Help me to make sense of this please!

Ooh, lemon, mousse and chocolate, me please...

That is a tough question, ordinarily I would say don't respond at all, but perhaps try to come up with a bland answer that you send everytime to avoid him having an excuse to come over.

I would tell him you are going to ignore the attempts to keep him in your thoughts. Because that is exactly what his "texts throughout the day" are

and then ignore him

he wasn't so concerned about his wife who might pass out before, was he ?

he is trying to control you

Is that what it is? He has always kept in touch through the day. I had 10 today - and think that is pretty typical. Some are business related (only 1 was today, but it is often more). There are work emails too. It is going to be hard to not communicate at all. Just short and to the point answers? Perhaps I can wean him a bit this week as I am seeing my parents at some point most days I think, so he will know that I'm ok?

I agree, ignore the texts, subtle control technique. I wonder when he is going to get nasty again and start calling you a cunt? My guess - around about the time when the penny drops that you are actually serious and there is no coming back from this.

Your relationship has changed now

hasn't it ?

Jo I have put them on one side for you. Any other requests?

Doha - sorry, I'm not a dark chocolate kind of girl. I'm a galaxy and lindor scoffler. Omnomnomnom.

This is so hard, I feel for you. I think if there are legitimate business emails/texts that require an answer then answer appropriately, communicate as necessary re the kids and leave it at that. One of the unfortunate consequences of a 'separation' is that you're not sharing your lives anymore so that level of connectedness is no longer appropriate. Also you need space in order to process what has happened clearly. It's like cutting off a limb though - I can't manage it although some days are better than others. I say 'detach' to myself out loud some times

How long has he gone for 3Hot?

I have to agree with 3HotCrossBuns, answer only the emails that are relevant to the business and ignore any personal ones unless they relate to DC's. He is feeding off the contact with you.

Time for you to get to bed (that's an order) you need to sleep and de -stress to try prevent more seizures

Yes - our relationship has changed. It almost feels rude not replying - but I will have to do so. Boundaries. Self preservation.

rude ?

are you kidding ??

Rude is good, l think we can allow that

I will Doha just doing a dream feed in the hope of avoiding the 1.30 call for booby-snacks.

I have a hair appointment tomorrow afternoon. I haven't been to the hairdressers since the day we got engaged in March.

It sounds ridiculous doesn't it? It IS ridiculous. It WILL feel rude to me though - but I will cope. I think I must have become so used to avoiding conflict with him over the years that it feels uncomfortable not replying etc.

Not him who's gone, its me with the kids holidaying at my mother's beach apartment! Lucky us! Left H at home nearly 3 weeks ago now. Here for another 10 days probably. Hooray for the summer holidays. He did come for a 'visit' (didn't stay with us though, stayed nearby) for a few days and went home yesterday. It was nice for the DCs to see him and give me a break from the parenting. Not brilliant between us though as I'm really struggling. I was upset this morning about everything he's done and spent too long messaging him about it. Mistake. Much better for my own sanity not to engage. I'm almost doing mindfuckery to myself!! Will do better tomorrow!! So that's why I think it's better to distance yourself - for your own sake.

How's it going alpha ?

I feel stronger today I think, thank you. Less teary than yesterday. It IS easier without him here, although I miss him. My emotions are less up and down. Distamce does help. I was up between 1.30 and 5am with DC3 who needed a poo, so I am tired, but I don't have the sick feeling in my stomach today. I will see him tomorrow lunch time as he is picking DC2 up to go swimming. I have taken your advice re contact. He sent a few this morning saying "morning" and how was DC3 in the night and did I sleep well and what are we up to today etc.

It will hit him hard but it bloody has to.
Once that I could throw up at any moment feeling starts to subside your half way there I reckon.
Can you have a little nana nap later on today ?

My friend said he looked like a scared little boy today, and looked shocked. I would have a nap, but I have my lovely haor appointment. Yey!

Ugh, is your friend of the opinion that you should give him more chances to cheat on you ?

tell her to keep her observations to herself

scared little boy what over-emoting nonsense that is

I bet he didn't look like a scared little boy with his head between her legs. I play that image over and over in my head daily and it removes any shred of sympathy in fact I can just about restrain myself from whacking him with a frying pan when I see that sad little face

This is another aspect that seems to appear in many cheating men - using the sad little boy act to get sympathy they don't deserve, and to get their own way. They are master manipulators.

Its taken me a while but it doesn't work with me anymore.

I predict he will start to look a little unkempt, like he's not sleeping too well, like he's losing weight with the stress of it all, like he has the caaaaares of the world on his shoulders. A little mini breakdown-ette to follow and some self pitying "I have nothing to live for now" communications.

All in the script, innit

Agree with all of the above, and watch out for 'friends' wanting you to take him back for the kids sake. People are very easy to con when they see the 'sad eyes' just last week I had someone tell my DD how she 'needs' her dad and how much he misses her. Well then he shouldn't have ducked around and moved to a different country then. Stay strong. Keep being kind to yourself, hope your hair looks amazing.

Ouch mosman. But, yes, you are right. He enjoyed every minute of the messages and meeting up until I found out didn't he?

AF Whilst I have lost loads of weight (was slim to start with) he seems to have been comfort eating! I also noticed he is thinning on top. Gutted for him, of course.

So - is that the script now?