Can I forgive this much deceit?

[alphacourse]

I am trying to figure out whether I can stay,have couples counselling, and try and work things out. Or....whether it is just too much betrayal and deceit. My mind swings between the 2 on a twice daily basis.

Background: DP has cheated on me with 2 women. He met with each one 4/5 times during my recent pregnancies. He has also met up for drinks with a few more. He met then through married affair websites.

I found out about the websites 10 weeks ago, and about the women 3 weeks ago. He followed the usual script of denial, deleting, minimising etc. Then I was contacted by a woman and he had to come clean.

He has started psychotherapy to deal with his issues. He says it was about the buzz of getting girls to be impressed by him.

How do I work out what to do for the best? Obviously he is desperate to work things out. I am prepared to listen at the minute. We have 3 DC. 2 are very small. Help me to make sense of this please!

OK - I text him saying that I thought we would be back late as we were having dinner out etc and was probably just going to pop him into bed. He replied: "Ok fine. Will do tomorrow night instead then.xx"

Grrr - he is just going to announce it isn't he. What he says goes. Tempted to say "fine - mum and dad will be here tomorrow as well" as he ont want to see them? Or then, am I just playing his games and lowering myself?

Help! Please! I don't want to get this wrong!

I'd say what you said is fine - your mam and dad will be there. You dont have to explain why, you dont owe him an explanation and, frankly, whether or not you feel you are lowering to his level is frankly irrelevant - this has got way too serious to worry about stuff like that. You are just doing what you need to do. IMO, he sounds like the kind of bully who could get really nasty when he doesnt get his own way so you are well justifed in having somebody there.

"fine - mum and dad will be here tomorrow as well" that is enough. short factual and to the point

One thing you will get used to is that he is going to ride roughshod over all your boundaries. So my advice would be, to be clear on what you are doing, you don't need to explain or apologise. Your message about going out with the kids was fine. You can choose to tell him they will be there or not. From your complete lack of confidence in yourself I can tell that he has done a serious number on you, he is expecting you to jump every time he says so. You are in a place where you don't know where your feet are meant to be. It will get easier, I promise. For now, I would advise that you use the broken record method as advised above, until he gives you clear answers, and that you start deciding how the childcare stuff is going to work. And then get him to agree to it. You are not playing games, you are trying to figure your future out. He will make you feel like you are playing games, because it is a deflection of what he is doing. He will try to make you feel so insecure in your stand, that you will start to wonder whether you have legs at all. What I did, and it helped me a lot, was record as many conversations as I could on my phone, it helped me piece together the manipulation and attempts at control. It also helped me see how easily he evaded straight forward questions. EH still doesn't know that I have a recording of many conversations and phone calls, but I found out that it wasn't illegal to record without his knowledge, and it gave me sanity. I occassionally still listen to them as I attempt to pick out the finer details of what really happened, at the time I wasn't able to take it all on board, but the more I listen and learn, the more I realise how much he used me for his own needs and ego. Also, if you can, I would recommend a friend or family member for the day he moves out, because you are taking away some of his control, he could get nasty. For your own protection, and the emotional stability of your DD's. You need all the support you can get, and don't expect him to be nice or reasonable, especially if he doesn't get his own way. I suspect he is a man who has been used to getting his own way for a long time. Start listening to that inner voice, stop listening to his lies, it will become easier, I promise, but you are in the middle of an explosion the moment, you need support, you need to protect yourself. If he wants to bath DD, then there has to be strict rules on which days, what time, how long etc. and it has to suit you, not him. You have 3 DC's to look after, he only has his tennis, drinking and vagina hunting other activities.

Alpha, don't forget that you are a fantastic human being who has brought 3 humans into this world, and you are stronger than you think.

Good luck

Sorry, always seem to have a lot to say.

Old

Thank you for your help today. I survived! He packed some stuff while we were out, but is coming tomorrow to see the DC. He sent me a text saying he is hurting because of what I said to him. It is still all about him. My head is still hurting, so I will post more tomorrow.

He's out though that is a huge huge step and pschyologically it's so helpful for you.

Feel physically better but emotionally battered this morning. DC1 is overtired and being horrid. I just want calm.

Unfortunately kids pick up when we are low, and tend to play up, it's a lot to deal with. Use as much help as is offered, and be kind to yourself. Who really cares if he is hurting, and why is he even telling you? All you need to focus on is yourself and your DC's. Feel so much for you right now, it will get better, just keep taking those little steps.

Another for him

And for you Alpha

Well. He has been and gone this evening. Brought a huge box of chocolates for me. His eyes looked teary the whole time he was here. He gave me a hug as he left and said he was sorry, and not to be sad as he wasn't worth it.

He's right

Probably the most honest thing he said to you in months.

he nailed it.

no more to say

are you moved by the shitty chocolates and crocodile tears ?

I'm not moved. I do feel a bit sad for him and what he has lost. But I feel more sad for me and the DC. Had a weepy day today, but feel stronger this evening.

I agree with the other posters. If you're anything like me you'll be desperate for any sign of remorse, regret, love for you etc. Try not to give it any more weight than just words and a quick trip to the corner shop!! First 24hours done, well done!

Go on eat the chocolates..but keep me the strawberry cream please

You can have the strawberry cream - work of the devil! I'll bag all the hazlenut whirls though! You are righ 3Hot - but my mantra is "look at the actions, not words". Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. I am 5ft 9 and now my size 8 are falling off me - can't seem to stop losing weight - stress? I have just eaten another bowl of ready brek and guzzled a few chocolates. He has just text me to say goodnight and "I just wanted to say I am sorry for all of this". Sounds detached doesn't it? Not "I'm sorry for what I have done" etc. Like he compartmentalises.

did you reply ?

I'll have the coffee cremes, btw

I lost the best part of a stone in the first month. No more since then but I'm surviving on wine, chocolate, crisps, homous, cheese and the kids left overs. Oh and ice cream!! Not healthy!! I could do with losing another stone quite honestly. And I thought weight loss was my silver lining

'Nothing motivates a cheater like loss' is something posted on my thread and its true! Give it a few weeks to settle down though before rushing back in - you might not want to, he might not be able to keep this up etc. I desperately need to take my own advice with that! Currently I have to sit on my hands not to text him. Failed miserably this morning.

Don't engage with him alpha he is at his own pity party of one, wallowing in it.
chomp a few more hazelnut creams (you're welcome to them and you can have the coffee cremes with pleasure AF) and then get a good night sleep.

PS does anyone remember the butterscotch chocolate in black magic? Best in the world my favourite ever and then they were discontinued

I replied: Thank you.

Any takers for the "white lemon mousse"?

The loss comment is true - it would have been easier if he hadn't come back last time, but I had the seizure. That set me back a bit with this. I am going to try not to engage. It is hard as he texts quite a bit during the day, and if I don't reply he thinks I might have passed out of had another seizure. Not sure what to do about that....any ideas?