Can I forgive this much deceit?

[alphacourse]

I am trying to figure out whether I can stay,have couples counselling, and try and work things out. Or....whether it is just too much betrayal and deceit. My mind swings between the 2 on a twice daily basis.

Background: DP has cheated on me with 2 women. He met with each one 4/5 times during my recent pregnancies. He has also met up for drinks with a few more. He met then through married affair websites.

I found out about the websites 10 weeks ago, and about the women 3 weeks ago. He followed the usual script of denial, deleting, minimising etc. Then I was contacted by a woman and he had to come clean.

He has started psychotherapy to deal with his issues. He says it was about the buzz of getting girls to be impressed by him.

How do I work out what to do for the best? Obviously he is desperate to work things out. I am prepared to listen at the minute. We have 3 DC. 2 are very small. Help me to make sense of this please!

Can you call anyone to be with you right now?

No. Mum and dad are driving down from the north this afternoon. My bestie is on holiday. He has taken DC2 to the park. He is out tonight.

How are you now? Do you need a doctor?

I'm ok I think. Just a banging head and feel sick. Just BF DC3. How did this become my life?

Oh love, people say terrible things in anger he is a dickhead and he knows it, attack is his only form of defense.
Oh and he will support you, so he can fuck himself ;-)

Can you take things easy? Cuddle up with baby?
You will get through this, you poor love, you have done nothing to deserve this, not a thing.

But attacking me now, after all he has done, just compounds my pain. I know he doesn't mean what he said - but once you say things you can't take them back can you. I know he will pay for us - he is about image after all! It would make him look bad if he doesn't, if nothing else. Me fitting will make him feel bad about himself. I think he just wants to run away so he doesn't have to face up to the impact of his actions. If he tells the hospital about this fit, I won't be able to drive for a year! Oh shit - this isn't good at all. I should just have kept quiet. It is all just bubbling inside me, and it spills out every few weeks as I am bottling it all up and hoping for a magic wand to whisk it all away.

He hates the true reflection of himself he sees in your eyes. Far easier for him to convince himself your opinion is meaningless by attacking and belittling you.That way he can deny the truth and still believe himself to be a pretty good guy
Sad, tragic, predictable, fuckwittage is all it is. He's a walking cliche.

Will he ever get that?

Have had a quick read through, and missed a bit, but what I am hearing is, he is playing tennis, going out, not being honest, getting angry with you!!!!, not supporting you, leaving you alone with an infant after having a fit!!! What a completely self-absorbed, self-serving, selfish simpleton.

Sounds like my ex, who ended up finally admitting to cheating with a minimum of 43 women, mostly paid for (by my money!), and I didn't have a clue. he only admitted 2 years after our split. We had an amicable seperation/divorce, until he found a new partner. He is an animal dressed in a white collar, and he doesn't deserve you. No matter how you handle this, you will be wrong, because they cannot stand you being right.

They turn nasty when you challenge them.... they don't want to be 'burdened' by normal life...it's all me, me, me. He can't even fucking step away from himself for 2 seconds to think of the implication of you having to recover from a fit and having to look after an infant...

Another site that really helped me understand a little more was Lovefraud.com

Best of luck to you. I know it takes a while for your world view to change, but it will, in time.

My life feels much better now that he is out of it (as much as is practical), I never realised how depressing his presence in my world was. How much life he sucked out of me, how responsible I felt for looking after him, till he was gone. I got physically sick because of him, it's not worth it. After 17 years of marriage, I mean nothing to him. It is a complete mind bend, but the more you stand up for yourself ( and don't say you made things worse, you made things real, not worse), the more you will find yourself.

It's going to be tough Alpha, but you are on the right route, keep going, one step at a time. His life has hardly been interrupted, he still plays tennis, he still goes out!!! He has demolished your world as you know it, and he is showing his true colours. Be brave, be as strong as you can, eat something, look after yourself, he is not worth you giving your health away for, and your children need you.

Take care
Jo

Thank you - it helps to know others have been through this, although I wouldn't wish it on anybody. Why is it I still want him to walk in through the door and wrap his arms around me?! What is wrong with me? How did you stand strong?

Hmm, that is a tough one, after 2 years apart, and finding out that he had lied to me our entire marriage (he had also cheated on me during my pregnancy), the only one I wanted comfort from was him. I have a theory about it, but I don't know how much it would stand up in a debate. From all the books I read, and all the discussion groups I joined the thing that made the most sense to me (and it seems to be a theme running through your experience as well) is the following: We all have unmet needs in our childhood. As adults we recognize characteristics in someone else that reminds us of this parent, and we seek for this need to be met by this person. In fact we get excited (we call it a 'spark') in feeling that this need will finally be met. Unfortunately the need is not met, and the characteristics of the individual set us up for a huge fall, because they are the same characteristics in the parent that failed to meet that need. You say your first husband and your mother were selfish (I think I read that in the posts), it is not a co-incidence that you keep on gravitating toward the same person. It is from my understanding the child in you reaching out for that need to be met. In the face of overwhelming evidence that this person in fact will never meet that need, the child within us still reaches out, seeking fault with the way they are reaching out, or the person that they are, that if they are just better, thinner, prettier, or whatever the perceived 'lack' is.

I found it useful to keep a diary, to say all the things to him that I wanted to, it helped me sort my head out a bit without putting myself in a position of being vulnerable to him. I saw a therapist that helped me to figure out a plan. I made a little mantra of 'what do I want to tell him, why? will I get the answer I want? what will I do if he gives me the answer I don't want? why do I feel I need to tell him, and will it make any difference? It was just my little coping strategy. I also accessed my 'inner child' and realised that as an adult I needed to protect that vulnerable part of me. It might sound like a bit of nonsense, but it helped me, and I feel stronger. The more your read, the more information and understanding you get, and are able to take on board, the stronger you will feel in your conviction. The feeling you have for him is not love, it is a need you want fulfilled, and the truth is he can never ever fill it, and trying to get it filled will only bring you more pain. You chose to have a relationship and children with a man you trusted. You invested in your family life, and your relationship with him, he was never a part of the equation. He just came along for the ride, and when the ride got tedious, he jumped off at various stations.

I think one of the hardest things is to realise that his mask has slipped, he never was who he professed to be, and he will never be who you think he is, that is who you are missing, who you want to get back, like a bad dream. You sound like you are making good progress, it is a bloody hard road to travel, an unenviable one.

Take care, be kind to yourself, and eat something.

P.S I wasn't strong at all, I spent a lot of time crying, and feeling very pathetic, and very alone and very very sad. I felt like I was walking around with a heart that only functioned because I was holding it together with sellotape (other brands are available). I was angry, and felt useless. I felt that I was fundamentally unlovable, that there was something fundamentally wrong with me, and that other people were just being too polite and not telling me what it was. I felt like a complete fool for not knowing. I had my suspicions, but the reality was so much more than I could ever have imagined. People telling me to 'get a grip' made me feel like I could physically harm them. But you sort of need to go through that, it is normal, you have had a really bad experience, but I am not going to let it ruin the rest of my life, and neither should you. Mourn your losses (there will be many), acknowledge the hurt, stand up on your wobbly legs (hold on if you think you are going to faint) and start taking little steps forward, every small shaky step in the opposite direction ends up being 10 then 20 and before you know it you are hundreds of steps away from that situation. Sounds like you have taken a good first few steps. There is a lot of advice and good literature out there, absorb it, and keep moving forward.

I wish I could round you all up in a room and ply you with mojitos and Lindor chocolates xxx

joalone thank you - I agree with your theory I think. I am trying to work out why I think he is going to change. Why I keep looking at him waiting for him to get it. He won't. Or perhaps he will after tonnes and tonnes of therapy. But by then I won't care anymore will I?

matilda I wish I could fast forward to that place!

He will be back this morning. I am going out this afternoon with the children. Yesterday we agreed he would pack whilst we are out. My money is on the fact that he will try and stay. This is meant to be his last week here with me and the children. I would be surprised if he goes without a fight. He will try talking me around and being charming. I have to focus on the actions not the words don't I? I need to be strong.

How are you this morning? Hope you got some sleep! Have your parents arrived? I hope you have some support and the opportunity to take it easy and rest a little this weekend. Is H still going to his mates today?

X-post! I think trying to stay out of each other's way sounds a good plan. I guess if he starts trying to persuade you that he should stay you just need to say that if he's serious about helping you heal and recover your strength then he should respect your wish for space and a calm home. Then leave him to it.

Can somebody come to the house to be there when he is meant to leave ? My friend is a lawyer and she came over and did the broken record technic - M would like you to leave now Mr M it's for the best. Only took about 30 bloody goes.

Mum and dad aren't staying here - thought it would be awkward as he was meant to be here this week. They are staying with my DB and DSIL. He has text me this morning asking what time I am going out. He then replied asking if I would be eating out. My guess is that he will try and suggest a take away tonight or going out "to chat". Could be wrong though!

Bugger - posted too soon. He has just text asking if he could bath DC2 and put him to bed tonight. What shall I say? I don't want to use the DC as pawns.

This isn't something I've ever publicly talked about before, but I was married to a man who was chronically unfaithful during our whole marriage - including with someone I thought was my best friend. In fact, I used to cry in her arms about it while she'd say 'there there, all men are bastards ...' etc. etc. The betrayal when I found out was unbearable. I made the mistake of thinking that it was better to continue the marriage (we had two children) than to leave him, for the kids' sake. So I stayed - for twenty years! It did my mental and physical health no good at all and there were times I was strongly tempted to kill myself. But I stuck it out until the kids were at uni, then I started divorce proceedings.

Did I do the right thing? Hell, no. The kids (now in their 40s) always say I should have finished it when I knew he'd never change. By the way, it was tough when I finally left him but I've never looked back, or been happier since. He went on to marry one of his women and they're both pretty miserable together - there IS a God!!!!!!

We aren't going out until 2.30 and going to soft play and dinner, so we may not be back until his bedtime/just after anyway? But he will think I am trying to play games won't he?

Old thank you for sharing - and I'm sorry you had to deal with so much pain. I'm glad you are happy now, and your children are supportive. I know you are right - life is short. But it is hard to let go isn't it? Of the what if.