Can I forgive this much deceit?

[alphacourse]

I am trying to figure out whether I can stay,have couples counselling, and try and work things out. Or....whether it is just too much betrayal and deceit. My mind swings between the 2 on a twice daily basis.

Background: DP has cheated on me with 2 women. He met with each one 4/5 times during my recent pregnancies. He has also met up for drinks with a few more. He met then through married affair websites.

I found out about the websites 10 weeks ago, and about the women 3 weeks ago. He followed the usual script of denial, deleting, minimising etc. Then I was contacted by a woman and he had to come clean.

He has started psychotherapy to deal with his issues. He says it was about the buzz of getting girls to be impressed by him.

How do I work out what to do for the best? Obviously he is desperate to work things out. I am prepared to listen at the minute. We have 3 DC. 2 are very small. Help me to make sense of this please!

Give yourself a chance, 6 weeks into this journey is nothing at all. Just look after you, nice food, facials, hair do's what ever you like. Don't waste your cash on counselling he can pay did that - that's another action you need to see and they are less likely to waste their own money.

I don't have any independent income - he would have to pay for counselling. And no facials etc for me until I can sort myself out. I am on maternity leave from his business. I filled in tax credits this week, and also let my flat and reinstated child benefit. I have a loan though and credit card payments.

Yes - it is the lies upon lies. The answers to questions, whoch then turn out to be partial truths or lies. It makes you question your sanity I think.

Baby steps, talk to the loan company and cc see if they will freeze the interest for you.
You'll be ok, he's fucked ;-)

I wish I had your confidence about that at the minute! When I met him I had a BIG career, owned a large pretty house in a sought after area. I am now concerned about whether I could evenb rent anywhere as he has buggered my credit rating.

I've woken so very sad and confused. I read other people's threads and they seem so clear headed. So 'grab a bag and throw them out'. It would be easier if it was a traditional affair I think, although emotional betrayal would be there. This is like I have never known him. He has been on these sites for over half our relationship!

I've just had a run in with him. He started huffing and puffing and tutting as things were "all over the place" in the fridge. He tuts a lot. I said "leave the shopping- I will put it away". He carried on whilst huffing. I said you won't have to worry about it in a week - you will have your own fridge. He said "thank God". I started to cry - it is all hitting me. He just walked out to go and play tennis, leaving me crying.

Oh that's shit Alpha. The night before I left to come away with the kids H said to me (as part of a row) that he couldn't wait for me to leave. It's so spiteful but I doubt he truly means it - things are very stressful and pressured for both of you, he is lashing out just at the time you're most vulnerable. I'm sure he doesn't want to leave his home comforts and reacted badly to what you said. Not excusing him though!! It's shit and one of the (many!) reasons why it's the consequences of infidelity that the hardest bit to deal with.

Hopefully he will calm down whilst he's out. The next few days in the run up to him moving out will be hard but the space you get afterwards will be worth it. It's so difficult to work out what you feel when he's in your face the whole time!!

You don't have to wait for him to move out when it suits, have an overnight bag waiting for him when he gets back from fecking tennis and point him in the direction of the B and B's locally. I'm sure he's no stranger to booking hotel rooms.
Honestly this is do as I say not do as I do, it's do bloody hard but I which I'd been tougher

I wish I'd been tougher, would have reached the happy place so much quicker.
And by the way six months ago I was in a jointly rented house in Australia, our house in the uk was about to be repossessed, no job and if dickhead refused to give me cash the kids and I had nothing.
Fast forward six months and input earn him by thirty grand, am overpaying the mortgage and live In a lovely rented house that's much more manageable and feels really homely.
The support on here will get you through this and kick you up the arse when you need it as well as passing the wine and tissues.

Out earn him - flipping phone does my head in

Just a quick post and will say more later. I think you will be proud of me. I sent him a message saying that he can come and pack his bags and stay at a friends house this week until his flat it ready. He has agreed to go tomorrow. He is out tonight anyway. He sent a message saying how much he hates himself for hurting me. I told him that was bollocks. He just hates himself for being foind out. That if he hated hurting me he wouldn't be playing stupid fucking games with his passwords.

:-)
Even if you end up back with him that will have done you the world of good.

Even through all of this I have treated him with compassion and kindness. I have shown empathy. I can do better. I WILL do better.

I think I have just taken control and shifted the power back?

Exactly. And that's hard to give up so either he shapes up or ships out permanently.

I think it entirely possible to stand up for yourself and still be empathetic. Being unkind or cruel is not necessary. Well done you for acting with strength and dignity.

Well done Alpha, you have come a long way.

He came back from tennis and I started arguing with him. Bad move. I should have just left it and been dignified in silence. I told him he was a loser and has disregarded mine and the childrens emotional and physical safety. He told me I am a cunt and he can't wait to be rid of me and that he will pay for DC2 and DC3 but me and DC1 can go fuck ourselves. I blacked out. He has gone out with DC2.

Showing his true colours now, isn't he?
Hope he leaves you alone soon. Pig man that he is.

I've just made it so much worse

He can take a lot from you OP - and he has - but he can never take your honesty, decency, and integrity. Remain true to yourself, rise above this vile, nasty man and never, ever allow him to bring you down to his level .. and start move on with your life.

I feel sick. He said I fitted. My head is banging and I've thrown up.

Have you had fits before?

I had one a few weeks ago. Stress induced. I have an mri on fri morning and an egg at Kings a week on tuesday.