Can I forgive this much deceit?

[alphacourse]

I am trying to figure out whether I can stay,have couples counselling, and try and work things out. Or....whether it is just too much betrayal and deceit. My mind swings between the 2 on a twice daily basis.

Background: DP has cheated on me with 2 women. He met with each one 4/5 times during my recent pregnancies. He has also met up for drinks with a few more. He met then through married affair websites.

I found out about the websites 10 weeks ago, and about the women 3 weeks ago. He followed the usual script of denial, deleting, minimising etc. Then I was contacted by a woman and he had to come clean.

He has started psychotherapy to deal with his issues. He says it was about the buzz of getting girls to be impressed by him.

How do I work out what to do for the best? Obviously he is desperate to work things out. I am prepared to listen at the minute. We have 3 DC. 2 are very small. Help me to make sense of this please!

I emailed a few and outlined our problem briefly. 2 people have recommended the same counsellor. A woman who also works at a sex addiction clinic in London. That sounds quite good, as feel she would be less likely to look for 'reasons' in our relationship?

AF - it may read like I'm giving him an easy ride, but I am making him move out. Not for a couple of weeks - I have made him sign a 6 month lease minimum. I have made it clear that he is beyond priviledged that I am even deigning to be in the same room as his disgusting, lying, cheating, pock-ridden arse! I am faking it until I make it!

It is worth a try. My stand point at the minute is that I don't want to be with the man he seems to have been. I don't know him, and I don't want him. If he can address his issues, and prove to me that he has changed, then I might be prepared to listen. No promises at all. I might find that my life is easier and calmer without him here. I don't know - I'm just trying to take it one day at a time. Some are OK. Others, not so. I feel like I am trying to guide him!

Alpha - so much of what you post about your feelings really resonates with me. I really empathise - I'm very confused about my feelings for my H, still very attached to what I thought my marriage was etc. My H has also been inconsistent in his responses to me which makes it difficult to decide whether he's remorseful or not. You are a step ahead of me though - I've decided (I think!) that H needs to move out for a few months, not told him that yet! I'm following your thread and supporting you over cyber-space!!

Alpha, I'd be a bit weary of the counsellor who also works at the sex addiction clinic. Sex addiction makes your DH and his cheating a medical condition rather than a moral failing, IYSWIM.

whaaaat ?

you have been recommended a counsellor that specializes in "sex addiction" ?

really ?

is this the umbrella you and your husband are going to excuse his behaviour beneath ?

you think your husband chased skirt when you were pg because he has an addiction ?

please, alpha, wake up

your husband did it because he felt entitled to, because he wanted some excitement, because his pg wife was not floating his sexual boat, because he is at heart a selfish cheating fucker, because he could

do not countenance anything that does not immediately start to address those issues

and if you come back at us that he had a "difficult childhood" you might just see me spontaneously combust

Didnt i read somewhere recently that the whole sex addiction thing is actually a load of old bollocks?
Alpha - you sound like you have a lot going for you. Why do you think giving it another shot with this vile man is all you are worth?

Old philandering bollocks...

Spend the money on hairdressers instead it's not that counselling is bollocks its that he doesn't agree he has a problem. It should be him researching, buying the books etc not you and he isn't because he doesn't think there's anything wring with what he did.

I agree with Mosman. You are literally managing his affairs.

No! I'm not saying that/making excuses for his twattish CHOICES I promise! I just thought she may be less likely to blame ME or US?! Back to the drawing board then! He researched his therapist and also a CBT book. Until now I have told him not to bother with a couples counsellor as I'm not ready.

No counsellor will blame you or "the marriage" they try to get you both to look at what prompted your own behaviour that led to certain events.
It's good that he is researching his own therapists, that's a massive step in the right direction.
The problem you have when he goes off for counselling alone is you only get one side of the story reported back to you so I would go along even if you sit there in silence.
We fell completely apart because divkhead sat there in the counsellors office and lies through his teeth but of course would never have known that had I not been there. So the tools he was given in the first few sessions which he is sticking to vigorously I have no idea if they are based on the their problems/his feelings or more bullshit.

Should have said he went to the first three sessions alone. And came back from them the new assertive H who takes no shit from me lol .... Would be happy enough to take money, Childcare, car etc from me though lol

I'm not saying you are making excuses for his shitty behavior but I think that the sex addiction counsellor will try to blame his "addiction to sex" (which he doesn't have) and allow him to be the victim of his own libido. Leaving him blameless.

Mixxy is right, an addiction to sex ? We all have it, the difference is most of us satisfy that need alone or with our partner. Cheating is something completely different it's like a heroin addict saying they aren't guilty of stealing because the money was for the addiction. That may well be the case but they still stole knowing it was wrong and would hurt somebody.
It's really really hard not to want to see the best in the man you love, god knows I have tried but the question always comes back to why wouldn't he do it again ? My stbex cheated on his first wife, lost his house, marriage the lot she never wavered for a moment and even that knowledge and lesson didn't stop him cheating on me. People fall into two categories those that are faithful and those that aren't ime.

I don't think he is a sex addict. Neither does he. I do think that getting ego kibbles from messaging people on those sites can become a compulsion though? Not an excuse. How do I get the right counsellor then? Bloody hell! It is all so so tricky.

That's about lack of self esteem, lack of self control and lack of respect for you and your marriage. Plenty of counsellors around to sort that out, but if still recommend you are present just in case they start going down the " poor didums didn't get enough attention from his mother" route.

Maybe try getting a female, non religious counsellor under 40.

Alpha, can you see that there is cheating and there is cheating? Cheating is never right but ... some cheating is worst than other cheating. So, couple who have been together years, in a rut, one partner has brief affair with an old flame. Is mortified to be found out. Eventually the couple realise they have a lot to lose, love each other deep down and work through any underlying issues via counselling.
Then there is your situation. Vile man shags around behind wife of pregnant partner - does it get any lower? seriously? - then gets nasty when she dares to pull him up on it. Did you also say he threw something at you too? This guy is horrible, he will always be horrible, stay with him and you will never be happy. I think you need to pull your head out of the sand. I think the counselling thing is just sheer desparation on your part to find a way of justifying making another go of things.
Do you have any good friends who know the full truth? If so, what do they reckon?

Alpha - just wanted to compliment you on your wonderful turn of phrase:

'ego kibbles'

Wonderful!

I have been following your story and wish you the best of luck. With phrases like 'ego kibbles' in your arsenal, I think you will be fine!

I think one point that has stood out, which is slightly off topic, is when you remarked about your eldest daughter and said 'They almost hate each other now' and you said that was since you had your second child, so at least for a year or more. Are you comfortable with putting this strain on your daughter? I think at some point (pretty soon) you have to put your childrens needs above your own, and certainly above your partners. I can't imagine how horrid it must be for a young girl to feel 'almost hatred' from someone her mother chooses to be with.

ageof - you are totally right. There is cheating and there is cheating. I hope things will be clearer for me once he has gone.

matilda you are, as always, spot on. You write exactly how I am feeling. You get it!

teeb their relationship became a bit difficult after DC2 was born. It has deteriorated recently. I was looking into family therapy for the 2 of them when this blew up. I am NOT prepared to damage her for him!