Can I forgive this much deceit?

[alphacourse]

I am trying to figure out whether I can stay,have couples counselling, and try and work things out. Or....whether it is just too much betrayal and deceit. My mind swings between the 2 on a twice daily basis.

Background: DP has cheated on me with 2 women. He met with each one 4/5 times during my recent pregnancies. He has also met up for drinks with a few more. He met then through married affair websites.

I found out about the websites 10 weeks ago, and about the women 3 weeks ago. He followed the usual script of denial, deleting, minimising etc. Then I was contacted by a woman and he had to come clean.

He has started psychotherapy to deal with his issues. He says it was about the buzz of getting girls to be impressed by him.

How do I work out what to do for the best? Obviously he is desperate to work things out. I am prepared to listen at the minute. We have 3 DC. 2 are very small. Help me to make sense of this please!

I know! I am incredulous! He goes in 2 weeks.....am I wrong to be suspicious though? He hasn't shown me the flat etc. I haven't seen any documents either.... Could he be winging it hoping that I chanhe my mind? With stunts like the phone I think he will have a long wait! How on earth would he think that would help? Knob jockey.

I think I pointed out to him that IF I had tried to get into his phone, and found that he had changed the password, I would have bowled right over to him and asked wtaf was going on! I wouldn't feel the need to lie about it!

AlphaCourse - I read your update with my mouth open agog!!! His phone should be available to you to look at whenever you damn well please - he doesn't need to know if and when you look. Am mightily pissed off for you!!

I know! He said "I am not hiding anything but you may misread banter with clients"

The thing is, I KNOW he isn't doing anything. I think he is just soooo used to hiding things and being secretive that it makes him really really nervous not to do it anymore, if that makes sense? I think it is a power and control thing. He is doing really well with psychotherapy and addressing why he felt the need to do it. I do believe that he wants to change and he doesn't like what he did or who he became. But changing passwords is a really twatty way of dealing with things when he becomes defensive! Idiot!

Thank you so much - I needed that reassurance as he keeps telling me that I have been a loon about it all! I know I haven't. But a second opinion never hurt! He has just asked me what is wrong. I saif that I feel like I am playing Miss Goseberry to his Blackberry today. Then ensues a diabribe about how he has got a business to run, yada yada yada. I said - don't bother asking if you don't want to have an honest answer. I find it rude that he checks his phone when we are talking (even when we have been having serious talks or arguments about "us") or when we are eating. I told him he needs to reassess his boundaries.

Thank you for the reassurance. My logic says that checking his phone is pretty pointless - he could delete anything incriminating. Therefore I haven't been checking it very much at all. But I think that I OUGHT to be able to look at it as and when I want. It is the principle I suppose? The fact that h ought to be trying to be as transparent as possible? Or is my logic skewed at the moment?

alpha

a relationship should make you feel secure, should support you, should make you feel safe and wanted, should feel easy and require minimal headspace to keep it afloat

is this what you have ?

is this what you should accept ?

is this how you want to live ?

That is why it is all such a clusterfuck. It WAS how it was. I did feel secure and safe and wanted. He always seemed sp loyal and protective. It has been a massive shift in my reality. Huge.

I am sorry

but you have to live in the now not hanker after how it used to be (easier said than done)

that relationship is gone

you have a new one, and it is shit

Thank you. No - we haven't started joint counselling yet. I think we need to start sooner rather than later as we are making a bit of a mess of it on our own! I have contacted a few people but they have no spaces available. Do you think it will help?

Caught my H of 19 years using the same websites, a deal breaker IMHO.
I am now depressed and dealing with the meltdown of my life but would rather do that than beginning to trust him again. It is up to you if you let him back I know I couldn't
Stay strong for your babies x stay true to yourself

That great relationship you thought you had ?

He was seeing other women whilst you were pregnant, you just didn't know it then

now you know it, how can you still say it was "safe and secure"

it was a ticking time bomb

I wouldn't recommend joint counselling, tbh, especially as the risk is you could get one of those Relate-types who advocate "working on the relationship" ie. brushing it under the carpet, rewarding the cheater with more child free time, weekends away, giving him more blow jobs (to paraphrase)

there is nothign wrong with your "relationship" but there is something wrong with him

AF - that is the oxymoron isn't it. You are, of course, absolutely right. I just hadn't seen it like that. Bugger. I NEED straight talking. I am too empathetic.

Yes, I believe you are

You are looking at this entirely from his POV and if you get a lousy Relate counsellor that will vindicate him even further

Run a mile from any suggestions (whether from yourself, him, friends or a counsellor) that any of this is your fault, or that the relationship was somehow lacking

he was lacking...he put getting cheap sexual kicks over respect for his pregnant wife

the road you are going is giving him an easy ride, which I am sorry to say does not bode well for the chances of him never treating you like some disposable piece of meat again to leave on the side of his plate if he fancies a different kind of snack occasionally

So how do I find a suitable one? Perhaps it comes down to chatting to them on the phone first? Each one I have contacted is fully booked for eve app anyway at the minute :-(