Can I forgive this much deceit?

[alphacourse]

I am trying to figure out whether I can stay,have couples counselling, and try and work things out. Or....whether it is just too much betrayal and deceit. My mind swings between the 2 on a twice daily basis.

Background: DP has cheated on me with 2 women. He met with each one 4/5 times during my recent pregnancies. He has also met up for drinks with a few more. He met then through married affair websites.

I found out about the websites 10 weeks ago, and about the women 3 weeks ago. He followed the usual script of denial, deleting, minimising etc. Then I was contacted by a woman and he had to come clean.

He has started psychotherapy to deal with his issues. He says it was about the buzz of getting girls to be impressed by him.

How do I work out what to do for the best? Obviously he is desperate to work things out. I am prepared to listen at the minute. We have 3 DC. 2 are very small. Help me to make sense of this please!

sassy think I love you xxx

At the end of the day I know this is about him - they are his issues. He is moving out. I will be fine - this is the worst it will be - it can only get better. But it is shit. Really shit. I know that he has fucked me over - because he could, and he thought he could get away with it. But, God, I do feel sorry for him. That he is such a fuck up. I will have friends, family and the kids....he will have literally nobody. I wish I didn't want his arms around me. I wish I didn't still fancy him so much. What is THAT all about?! I wish I didn't still wamt him. But......life goes on doesn't it? I want what I thought I had - not the reality. The pain comes in waves. I'm ok one minute, but not the next still. For some reason morning are worst. This is not how it was meant to be for me and the children. But if he could do this when things between us were good....when we had an awesome sex life...we were happy..what would he do when things got tough?

Alphacourse - I am pretty much where you are. I don't understand either. And I've stuck through 14 weeks of shit because I still love him and want him still - but its the 'fake' him I want, not the version of himself that has been revealed to me over the last 3 months. It isn't real, none of it was real and that is the hardest bit I think, realising my happy marriage was just a fake. I am still in total disbelief. Anyway you very brave to be dealing with this with a young baby too. I'm not sure I could.

I'm sorry you are going through this too - can you send me a link to your thread so I can share in your pain. How are you doing?

Doing badly overall. I think I've had a breakdown over the last week or so I've had 2 threads ( so far!) - 1 on contacting the OW and a later one when I'd asked H to leave and I was at crisis point www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1812186-Asked-H-to-leave-in-total-crisis It doesn't make for pretty reading.

If you want to PM me, I'm six months down the line ... have made plenty of mistakes, ignored good advice but I guess had to learn from my own mistakes. I'm good at listening and hand holding if that helps and being in Australia I'm up when everyone else is in bed.

Alpha and HCB, thank you for writing what I feel.

I is so shit and I am terrified. The hardest thing is that like you Alpha I see his woundedness and want to be there for him. But it is a void of difficulty, getting nothing back and more hurt and humiliation.

You cannot love someone who has no idea how to love. And letting go and knowing I will be ok in the future is just terrifying.

Gah!

MOS aren't you still with your H?

Define "with" - no not really, he was still in the house up until earlier this week but I'm now the only name on the lease, have a great job that allows me to mumsnet am buidling up friendhsip groups, dating, the children are settling down.
It's taken six months but I happened to see the texts he was sending to some poor cow he'd met online last week, I cringed but hey that seems to float these idiots boats so let them get on with it.

I suppose I need to start thinking about his contact with DC2 and DC3 once he has gone. He is very hands on with DC2 when he is here. DC3 is still breast feeding. Any suggestions?

I'd let him make the first move personally, see if he calls to ask to see his kids

We talked a bit last night - not for long as he got back from tennis at 10pm. Started off badly, but ended OK. He was talking about the number of nights he would have DC2 over night etc. What is a good plan? DC2 is 2 years and 3 months old.

Yeah when they are five yrs old. Not a chance before IMO where's he going to take them ?

He has got a 2 bed flat about 4 miles away. I think he want to have DC2 overnight during the week and also at weekends. Do you know what the guidance on this is? I don't want to use the children as pawns, but don't want to confuse then either.

I think with bf babies, no overnight stays but the 2 years old is probably old enough. The norm is every other weekend plus one mid week meeting.

I would get proper advice though given their ages.

Any ideas where I would get proper advice from? So, you think one over night mid week and either over night fri and all day sat or overnight sat and all day sun is OK for the 2 year old?

Sadly, I still would have a break as I would have DC1 and DC3. DC1 is from my previous marriage and DC3 is too young - so we are really just talking about DC2 on his own at the minute. So, how about 1 visit midweek (go to park etc) with DC2 and DC3. One midweek over night with DC2. One weekend night and day with DC2. He can see DC3 around these pick up times. Does that sound reasonable?

Whatever works for you, are you happy with that arrangement ? Wouldn't he want to see DC 1?

this link may have some useful advice re child arrangements

His relationship with DC1 used to be excellent. She calls him Daddy. But...it deteriorated after I had DC2. I think they almost hate each other now. It is an issue - a big one.

I wouldn't suggest an overnight stay mid-week.
It'll come around all too soon that DC2 will be in nursery or school. So unless 'D'P can do the school/nursery runs then that won't work.
If he can then that's all well and good.
My recent ex, got to see his kids on a Wednesday - getting them home for 7pm and then every other weekend.

Sorry _ slightly off tangent....

DP just accused me of locking him out of his iphone. I hadn't touched it - it was in the kids change bag. He asked me if I had tried getting into it. I was confused as part of our deal was that I knew his pin for hus phone and ipad. I had asked him yesterday if he had changed it as I saw him put it in and the sequence looked different. He denied it. So, just now I asked why I would lock him out of his phone if I knew the password. He admitted he had changed it "to see how long it would take for you to try abnd look". Wtaf?! This guy want our separation to be temporary. He wants us to work it out. He is now angry at ME - accusing me of lying about his phone! Grrrrrr! I am so thrown, my retorts have dried up. I just want to scream "ARE YOU MENTAL?!".