Can I forgive this much deceit?

[alphacourse]

I am trying to figure out whether I can stay,have couples counselling, and try and work things out. Or....whether it is just too much betrayal and deceit. My mind swings between the 2 on a twice daily basis.

Background: DP has cheated on me with 2 women. He met with each one 4/5 times during my recent pregnancies. He has also met up for drinks with a few more. He met then through married affair websites.

I found out about the websites 10 weeks ago, and about the women 3 weeks ago. He followed the usual script of denial, deleting, minimising etc. Then I was contacted by a woman and he had to come clean.

He has started psychotherapy to deal with his issues. He says it was about the buzz of getting girls to be impressed by him.

How do I work out what to do for the best? Obviously he is desperate to work things out. I am prepared to listen at the minute. We have 3 DC. 2 are very small. Help me to make sense of this please!

Thank you. Miricle of miricles - he popped home on his way to look at a flat! Fingers crossed he is finally getting it. He still comes home in a grump - like somehow I am the one in the wrong though!

Isn't it just?! I think it is that which is making me most angry! It is so damned unjust!

I can relate to that analogy! It is exactly how it is! Good news - he accepted the flat and has agreed to move in on 26 aug, or sooner if they can. He has just taken the book I bought him (How to help your spouce heal after your affair) to the pub lol!

God knows - he doesn't have a salary as such - cash deals through the business. He will pay the rent. I will get tax credits, and paid a salary through his business. I can also claim child benefit again and I get £550pcm maintenance for DC1 from ex husband.

Hey alphacourse.

Great news about the flat. And the rate at which this year is flying by, it'll be the 26th soon.

I'm sure it's a bittersweet feeling, but all you've ever asked him for was some space and the truth. He can't deal with the truth side of things yet, but at least the space is not too far away.

I'm not sure where you are, but if you like, PM me your details and if your near me, I'd be happy to help out with doing some shopping or driving you to appointments, if it would help. I'm just outside SW London and I hope that doesn't sound too weird.

Anyway, so so pleased that the day ended better than it started. Rings crossed you'll start to feel a bit more like your old self.

Look after yourself. Xxx

Rings ??? Fingers crossed!

My H said he read that book, but he didn't.

Thank you Mumat - I will pm you tomorrow.

He read half of it last night and thought it was good and relevant etc. Said lots of positive things about it - then messed up by saying how much of what it said was exactly what I have been saying and said when he read it he thought "smug bitch - it was exactly what you have been preaching". He really doesn't engage brain before his mouth. Did a bit of digging today. How would I get a copy of a receipt from a hotel do you think?

Credit card statements?

Phoned the hotel that's what i did
Got the room service bill

"he thought "smug bitch - it was exactly what you have been preaching".
He really doesn't engage brain before his mouth."

NO - HE IS TELLING YOU WHAT HE THINKS FEELS AND BELIEVES. This is the mistake we make: we don't believe them!

He really is this entitled.
He really doesn't think you are as important as he is.
He really doesn't think he should have to think about how you feel.
He really does think relationships are power struggles, and he has to win.
He really does think he must do and say the bare minimum so that you will STFU and leave him to carry on just how he wants.

chumplady.com: you are not the boss of me.

In one of his emails to a random he says: I have a family and I love them and will never leave or change that. However, I miss the butterflies, excitement, spontaneous meeting, text messaging etc. It does seem selfish I suppose, but if something missing in my life then never been one to just accept that.

Disect please!

Alpha - you will never even begin to move in in life if you continue to try dissect and analyse what this selfish fuck-wit is thinking. It is completely irrelevant. He isnt ill, mentally or otherise. He is just a selfish, self-important, self-indulgent twat. There are lots of them about and will continue to be so as long as there are people around to indulge them.
To you, all his pointless musings, ramblings, his general unpredictability etc might make him appear interesting or enigmatic. To an outsider looking in, he appears incredibly tiresome and dull - as in, he needs to grow the fuck up. I can imagine he will be the kind of bloke who is dressing in clothes of a man half his age and creeping around young girls when he is in his 50s.
Seriously, why are you wasting your time trying to work out what is going in in this guy's head?

Because I have to get my head around who he IS as opposed to who I THOUGHT he was. It is a massive shift in my reality. It is like I have to keep poking the pain for it to feel real if that makes sense?

Hello. I read your thread last night and today. i didn't read the one in your old nn though.

I'm de lurking to help you with the dissecting.

Here is my interpretation.

I have a family and I love them= I'm not capable of loving them in the conventional sense, because I am extremely damaged as a person, but I don't think I am, so therefore it feels like love to me.

....will never leave or change that = why would I? Doh. I am telling you this so that you know I am just interested in sex and nothing else, that way I have the respect and the prestige that having a nice family brings, but I can shag about too. I'm quite astonished that everyone else doesn't do it to be truthful.

However I miss the butterflies, excitement etc. = although I like having a partner, I'm not finding it fills my void.

It does seem selfish I suppose = it doesn't really otherwise I would have said, it is selfish, but I know that others will view it that way, so I'll pretend I realise it is too.

But if something is missing from my life I've never been one to accept that. (This is the clincher for me) = I know what I am doing is wrong. But, I. Don't. Care. I am the most important person in my universe, if I have an itch, I will be scratching it at all cost.

This next bit may sound brutal, but I don't mean it to be, or to be a personal attack. It is meant in all kindness.

I think your need to dissect this, and analyse his behaviour is because you can't get your head around the fact that you have been fooled/conned etc. You describe yourself in good terms regarding looks and intelligence /(which I don't doubt for a second by the way) but I think this is contributing to your incredulity.

How can such a person so highly intelligent and attractive fall for such a fuckwit? Is the question I think you need to have answered.

Unfortunately, the answer you are looking for

ie- he isn't a fuckwit/emotional black hole, he did love me, he can be fixed, it's to do with his childhood-

Isn't out there.

You did just fall for it.

If its any consultation,........I did to.

People consider me attractive, and I have a post graduate qualification too. I don't think they tend to go after easy prey. Otherwise what would be the point/challenge in that?

You are in excellent company if these message boards are anything to go by.

"Because I have to get my head around who he IS as opposed to who I THOUGHT he was. It is a massive shift in my reality. It is like I have to keep poking the pain for it to feel real if that makes sense?"

I absolutely understand this.

Dissection: neatly and surgically done by Sassy. Can't be bettered really, she nailed him to the wall.

Have you read chumplady.com 'the unified theory of cake'? Also ego kibbles.

I haven't got anything decent to add but I am sorry he is treating you like this OP.

You really need to separate yourself from him. If he has done it before he will do it again, because as you have said it is a mental problem and most mental problems can't just be talked through. You will understand it more but it doesn't stop the feelings.

Besides he admits something is missing. It's not your fault, it's his but do you always want him to be thinking inside that he is missing that buzz, even if he isn't doing anything about it? What about he doesn't do it for 2 years. He'll probably think that's long enough for you to have forgot/to stop checking up and he'll probably do it again.

You know it's not right for your kids to grow up knowing you put up with all this crap with him too, don't you? Otherwise you'll be teaching them this is what a relationship dynamic is like and it really isn't - not in a healthy relationship anyway.

I really hope you get the strength to decide that whatever he did no matter how little or how much, it doesn't matter now because you wont take him back, so the details are of little importance. Once you reach that stage you will become stronger. Your kids will help you become stronger too. You are impatient with them because things are in limbo and you have to be kept reminded of him every day. Once you are away from him and your friend is back from holiday see if she can help out a bit, to take the load off a little.

Until then, just keep as calm as you can and know that no matter what he says or how he acts, it's not your fault. He just doesn't see how much self love he has got.

You know what they say about narcissists? They have so much self love, they don't have enough love for anyone else. I think that's very true.

Wishing you the best of luck! :)

His message is a classic shit sandwich btw - does he work in sales by any chance?

"I have a family and I love them and will never leave or change that."
First of all, I need to say some standard bullshit to get you onside.

"However, I miss the butterflies, excitement, spontaneous meeting, text messaging etc."

However, i like shagging around.

"It does seem selfish I suppose,"

It is selfish.

"but if something missing in my life then never been one to just accept that."

My need to have seedy affairs behind the back of my pregnent wife may seem incredibly selfish, unfair, and pathetic. But it's actually something more profound than that. It's actually me showing what a positive, free-spirited, grab-life's-opportunities kind of guy I am.

Your replies are making me laugh! They are true! Laughing is a good thing, no? Great deconstructions - thank you. They have helped enormously! He is away tonight. Moving out in 2.5 weeks.....God it's hard!

Hey, laughing is a good thing, tis the best form of therapy.