Can I forgive this much deceit?

[alphacourse]

I am trying to figure out whether I can stay,have couples counselling, and try and work things out. Or....whether it is just too much betrayal and deceit. My mind swings between the 2 on a twice daily basis.

Background: DP has cheated on me with 2 women. He met with each one 4/5 times during my recent pregnancies. He has also met up for drinks with a few more. He met then through married affair websites.

I found out about the websites 10 weeks ago, and about the women 3 weeks ago. He followed the usual script of denial, deleting, minimising etc. Then I was contacted by a woman and he had to come clean.

He has started psychotherapy to deal with his issues. He says it was about the buzz of getting girls to be impressed by him.

How do I work out what to do for the best? Obviously he is desperate to work things out. I am prepared to listen at the minute. We have 3 DC. 2 are very small. Help me to make sense of this please!

Oh alphacourse. Sending you a virtual (((hug))) and some .

It sounds tough at the moment. Hopefully he'll find something soon and then you can have the space you need to think and just be for a while, itms.

I've been checking your thread everyday since the last post but for some reason I was hoping that no posts meant that you were ok.

I'm sorry. I realise I should have posted before. I mostly lurk as I never know what to say, but I'm here if you need to 'talk'.

I hope your dc are okay, and that they're able to give you some lovely cuddles.

Look after yourself, and be kind to yourself. Xxx

Just read the full thread.

You have done the right thing. You would never have trusted him again. The relationship you thought you had was only ever a mirage.

You are going to be so much happier without him, without the stress and worry and second guessing everything.

Wishing you lots of luck as you move on without him.

Thank you so much. Sorry I didn't reply earlier - had a really bad night with the 6 month old. He says he will move out and is looking at rightmove lots...but not actually DOING anything. We rent here and it is really expensive (£2.7kpcm). He keeps saying "trial separation". My counsellor told me to think of him as somebody who is ill - he has an illness (mental). BUT - how he is acting now is the measure of what kind of man he is. It is still all about HIM and his pain, and how HE is struggling etc. NOTHING about me. He hasn't helped me with my pain at all! It will hurt less with him not being here. I can stop being so disappointed in his lack of empathy if I'm not faced with it daily. He keeps wanting to do family things and take me out for dinner etc. He is just doing everything so wrong!

It really is like a bereavement isn't it? I am sobbing for what I thought I had. For the family my children had. It is all such a massive shift in my reality that it floors me. I am 5ft 9in and now a size 6. I have to go to Kings in a couple of weeks for some 3 hour tests because of the seizure the stress brought on. I feel crushed and so alone, even when people are here. It will feel better once he has gone won't it? The pain?

I just screamed at the children to leave me alone. I have no space and no break.

I want to run away from it all - and keep running and running. My life seems so small - I'm not allowed to drive for 6 months. He sold the car. My youngest is still breastfeeding so I can't even go anywhere for more than a couple of hours on my own. I feel so trapped.

Do you have real life help? Please confide in friends/family - you really need outside support.

Have you seen a GP to see if you can get help e.g ADs?

Any chance of getting him to kip on a friend's sofa?

Alternatively leave the DC with him and go out for a few hours on your own.

My parents live 4 hours away. My SIL has 2 v small children herself. My best friend is on holiday for 2 weeks. He went out on fri night and slept in until 1pm on sat. He played golf yesterday 8-6. He works so I can't go out on my own. He has no friends to kip on their sofas! He has no contact with his family and ZERO friends. I don't think I am depressed - just bereaved?

He can sleep in the sodding car, pick his shit up and put it on the driveway is my advice. It is better once they've gone, truly it is.

Have you told your parents though? Talking on the phone is better than nothing.

Why are you letting him go out to play and sleep in? No wonder you are feeling like this.

Pack his stuff in bin bags and tell him he has to pick these by up a certain time before you leave these on the drive. That will focus his flat hunt - in the meantime its not your problem where he sleeps and tough luck if he has nowhere except his car.

I have told them. It is hard talking on the phone with 2 smallies though, and my 8 year old hears everything with her Super Gran hearing! I hate confrontations with him - he gets so angry and shouty. It is like he is angry with me for finding out. He says not - just that he is angry with himself. But he lashes out. We need to be able to communicate because of the children. I'm scared that if I just tell him to go anywhere else whilst he is sorting somewhere more permanant it will make things worse?

I'm scared of my anger too now though. It has kicked in. If he starts ranting at ne I am afraid of losing control with him.

His behaviour tells you everything you need to know about how committed he is.

Rebuilding a marriage will be impossible the way things are going.

I hope you are not doing his washing, cooking, shopping etc.

He does the shopping now that I don't have a car. He also does the cooking unless it is a heating m&s type thing. I haven't been doing his ironing. I think he is committed to wanting to work things out - he just has NO IDEA how to do it. He doesn't have the comminucation skills at all. He wants it to all go away. It won't.

Hi Alpha

I read your original posts and just caught up with where you are now. What I have to say is that although it doesnt feel it, you are doing amazingly well. Unfortunately there is no easy way out of this sort of situation - you didn't build this relationship overnight and you wont leave it that quickly either. I know everyone has advised you LTB and you sound like you are and probably will. But you do need to walk the path. Annoying as it is having him under your nose it is also building your decision making basis. You are torn by the recognition that this is a very damaged person you are dealing with and sometimes you want to try and help him. Rest assured when he knows hes out the door for good theres a very good chance he could turn very nasty indeed - so pace yourself. You are not going to be able to cut your ties with this man because of the children, therefore you have a complicated path. But everything you say you have done is absolutely the right way to do it from my experience. I know it doesnt feel like that but that is because this is emotionally very hard work. Also you have the physical demands of caring for the 3 children and the stress of uncertainty about the future.

You will get through this but you need to make your plan a bit longer to extricate yourself carefully and alongside the needs of the kids. When he isnt physically there, yes it will be a bit easier because you can set up your own routine and wont have the stress of his comings and goings. But he could get more difficult once gone and that is also stressful. Someone with your intelligence, needs to use your wits wisely, you will have to manage him because he cannot/willnot manage himself. I really admire your strength with two small children and another who probably worries about you too much. Please order your priorties and put you first - health; well being and rest. Make sure you keep him busy doing his bit with the children. MEP

What mental illness did your counsellor say he has?

She didn't. She just said that the compulsion was an illness. That he is a narcissist. I don't think he will get angry once he has gone - he is likely to be calmer I think: he was when he went for 2 weeks before hand. The distance helped both of us. I agree that I will have to manage him. It is so hard to get rest with the 2 smallies playing nap relay!

Hi Op, seems as though he his standing his ground and has no intention of moving out. Renting somewhere else can be done very quickly if he really meant it and sounds as though he is just hanging around until you decide to give him another chance. You say you have a flat somewhere else, why not go there with your kids or maybe go to your parents? I know it may mean disruption for one of your kids schooling but at least then you would have made the all-important break from him and I am sure your friends would be on hand to help you?

I'll risk a flaming and suggest weaning LO off the BF. It takes a lot of energy and bodily reserves to maintain and given current circumstances, the sacrifice to the cause is not going to help you to put on weight or feel in best of health yourself. Just as important is for your LO to have a mother who is fit and well enough to care for her. I don't hold with the BF is best at any cost or any price. I did it for 5-6 months, but then had to return to work so was impractical to continue, nothing wrong with that, no guilt whatsoever. Just suggesting as it is one less stressor on your body and as you know, will improve your independence too.

best - OP may lose the benefits of oxytocin and prolactin, hormones and also she may end up with a stressed baby who does not want to wean,

best - OP may lose the benefits of oxytocin and prolactin, hormones that is said to help relax the mum and boost the immune system and also she may end up with a stressed baby who does not want to be weaned off the breast.

I have started getting he to take some of a bottle. She won't take a full feed yet - but I'm trying. It wasn't what I wanted as I fed my last 2 for over a year and a half each, but I have to choose my battles amnd priorities - I agree, and it is good advice. I won't go to my flat - it isn't in a nice place and is a small 2 bed! I have spoken to my friend who works with him and she is going to push him to go soon. He will listen to her I think. I agree that he doesn't want to go as he is scared I won't have him back once he has gone. Also think that he is scared that the reality of what he has done will hit him when he has time alone and has to face it. Have just phoned tax credits and child benefit as can get them now 'single'.