Can I forgive this much deceit?

[alphacourse]

I am trying to figure out whether I can stay,have couples counselling, and try and work things out. Or....whether it is just too much betrayal and deceit. My mind swings between the 2 on a twice daily basis.

Background: DP has cheated on me with 2 women. He met with each one 4/5 times during my recent pregnancies. He has also met up for drinks with a few more. He met then through married affair websites.

I found out about the websites 10 weeks ago, and about the women 3 weeks ago. He followed the usual script of denial, deleting, minimising etc. Then I was contacted by a woman and he had to come clean.

He has started psychotherapy to deal with his issues. He says it was about the buzz of getting girls to be impressed by him.

How do I work out what to do for the best? Obviously he is desperate to work things out. I am prepared to listen at the minute. We have 3 DC. 2 are very small. Help me to make sense of this please!

Hello alphacourse.
I was following you on the other thread and when that went, I was a bit worried and have thought of you often. I randomly came across this thread and realised it was you. Just wanted to say I think you're doing amazingly well, and I'm sorry to hear that all this 'D' P related stress is making you unwell.

FWIW, i think it's brilliant how you've had the clarity of mind to allow yourself the time to actually decide what you want.

Women always seem to shoulder the responsibility of everything, whilst these so called men, take on none. Your DC are very lucky that they have you as a role model!

I really hope that whatever you decide to do, that you do it with yourself and your DC in mind. We all only have one life. If he is determined to fuck up his own life that doesn't mean that he has to do the same to yours and your Dc's.

I really hope you and your dc can move on from this and be really truly happy. You deserve nothing less.

Xxx

Thank you so much! I moved my original thread to the quiet place, and didn't realise they got deleted after 30 days! I am in a calmer place now. It is difficult as I am not allowed to drive for 6 months due to the seizure I had a few weeks ago. They said it was probably induced by stress and lack of sleep. An extra guilt for him to bear. He is/was addicted to the thrill of the chase and the attention. Silly man - filling that void inside him in that was can only offer temporary relief and then he would feel even worse about himself. It is hard as I am naturally empathetic and have high EI. He has zero! But it isn't my job to mend him. Only he can do that.

He's a con-man, pure and simple. He conned you into believing he was a devoted father/husband-to-be. He's like a cowboy builder who built your dream home, when actually it's full of rot. I couldn't forgive that, even if I wanted to.

Yes, that is true. But it is also true that he is ill - this need for attention/admiration is because there is something mentally wrong with him. He is getting help. I just need to work out whether the 'healed' him is somebody I would still want.

It is all such a clusterfuck. What delays the process is his lack of ability to communicate. It makes everything move so slowly. It is so frustrating.

Hello again.

Gosh, not being able to drive for 6 months must be difficult. It's funny isn't it, all of this is his doing, yet you again are the one that has to suffer the consequences.

You sound amazing, really. I consider myself empathetic, but I don't think I could be quite so kind and rational of any indiscretions. If your ''D' P really does have an addiction, then I hope that he can get treated for it. It must be difficult with sex though, because, everywhere we go, we are bombarded by sexual images. It's difficult to just 'stop' I imagine. He really must want to stop for himself to have any chance of overcoming it.

I really hope that your P can sort himself out and get the help he needs, and that he also understands what he has done.

I hope you're feeling much better now. Xxx

Right. I think there are two types of affairs. One: where you fall in love with the new person and feel a real connection with them. You have one affair but do not do it regularly. Two: where you just want a buzz/you are a serial cheat/to avoid problems in your relationship.

Your h cheated with several women when you were at your most vulnerable. He also has been able to live with his guilt (if he felt any!) because he didn't tell you until he was forced to.

Leave him. He will NOT change. Bastard.

I think he compartmentalised well. He certainly feels ashamed and embarrassed. He does want to change, and is unhappy with who he is. BUT that doesn't undo what he has done does it. These are CHOICES that he made. It isn't easy to just leave. I have 2 very small children and one youngster too. It will be hard to find a house in my position. I have looked at 2, but the owners went for other tenants as I have 3 children so were worried about wear and tear.

Weirdly, one of the things which stings most is that he was online messaging these women on the affair site whilst I was in the room with him.

Alpha, no wonder that stings. That's horrible!

It's almost like he didn't even realise just how wrong that is. Is that part of the addiction behaviour? I always assumed addicts hid whatever it was that was their fix.

It's such a shame, as when things like this come out, you can slowly start to unpick every part of n your life with that person, and eventually you are left with alot of doubt and many memories tarnished by either the truth or because of the lack the truth, if that makes sense.

I hope you've had a lovely weekend and that you have a lovely weekend.

Xxx

alpha- what a shame that your DP threw it all away and then didn't recognise that you were going to give him another chance.......you are strong supportive partner....and sound like a fabulous person. I hope that you find peace and happiness soon as you deserve it.

Thank you so much. I certainly can't stay, or even think about trying to fix things if he wont/cant actually TALK about it can I. I am just so so disappointed in him. He has let us down so badly, and acted so selfishly. We didn't have issues in our relationship. What a waste. How could he do this? The impact on our DC is HUGE. It is so unfair. What a complete twat :-(

What delays the process is his lack of ability to communicate.

He doesn't want to. To do that would require seeing you as an equal person, self-reflection and HUMILITY. He just wants you to STFU and get back into providing him with a family.

If you truly truly want to understand the mind workings of your non-communicative partner, please visit www.chumplady.com. Direct, and terrifyingly accurate.

And have you started squirrelling money? THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT. My lawyer's retainer was £5,000.

Start on a long term plan Alpha. OK you are going to be there for at least 6 months if not years whilst you get your head round this and him? So, make this time work for you. £££££££, training, jobs. And birth control, sorry to be cynical.

I agree - thank you. All of his family lack the ability to communicate effectively. His first line of defense is attack, so it is very slow to talk about anything - he has managed an hour at a time so far, with usually a week between chats. It is too frustrating. I have read chumplady - so so accurate. I won't need a lawyer as we aren't married, and rent our home. I own a 2 bed flat in another town, so am especially pleased that he can have access to that! I saw an estate agent there last week and have it on the market to let it out. It won't bring in a lot of money - £400pcm but I will put that into DD1s bank account each month so it is safe. I have post grad qualifications already and was deputy head of a secondary school before I had DC2, so I could always do supply teaching etc. I can't manage to carry on like this with not talking about it with him. I sent him a letter last Monday and Thursday saying how frustrated I am about it, and that if he cant/wont talk then there is NO way forwards. I explained that even if he DOES talk, there are no promises on my side, but is he doesn't talk then I have to go. I don't want to talk all night every night - that would be too draining. But more than an hour every week or so. Or via email if that is easier for him. He has brought a few receipts home from 2011 to show me dates. But STILL no phone records of receipts from more recent liaisons. I owe myself more than to just sit and wait and wait. HE owes me more. I'm just so sad and heartbroken.

I can't carry on like this. I can't just pretend thing are normal. The effort is destroying me.

Yes - that sounds like a good plan. He left for 2 weeks a while ago, but then I had the seizure and can't drive. He is back and takes DC1 to school as that is a fair few miles away. She finishes on wed though. I think he would refuse to leave, saying that we have a spare double bedroom so the expense of somewhere else or a hotel would be a waste?

Oh alpha, I'm sending you a massive (((hug))).

You do deserve better.

I think if can separate, for a while or permanently, you will get the space that you need. He might then realise that he has actually lost you. I think whilst you stay he can avoid facing up to it.

Also, if he gets help, and can talk to you, then who knows, you may feel like giving it another shot. In the meantime, you can focus your energy on yourself and your dc.

It's awful how you're feeling, but I hope that with space you can start to heal.

And remember whatever decisions you make now, they don't have to be permanent. You can only deal with now, and now you really must start putting yourself first.

Look after yourself, eat, sleep, and be kind to yourself.

Lots of love to you and your dc. Xxx

Sorry alpha. I started that post at 11 something this morning and have only just finished it. Going back to read other replies now.

Thank you for holding my hand. I went to have a look at a house this morning. It is a bit too far to walk to school, which I will have to do until xmas because of the seizure. He can't afford to rent here (2.7pcm) and somewhere for himself, so we will both have to move. I told him last night that I'd had enough of waiting for him to talk. He said we would chat tonight after his therapy sessiom this morning. He sent a text to me after the session saying that they had discussed that he "wanted to start trying to make some changes in my behaviour and thinking pattern. Will make some notes on what we said so can communicate to you." Also asked me to buy Patrick Carnes book from amazon.

I told him last Monday that it is over. He is still here in the spare room whilst he is looking for a flat. Is he likely to actually go? How do I make him go? The longer he stays here the more frustrated with him I am becoming and the more I am starting to dislike him. I sit in my room each evening and sob. I hold it together in front of him - he doesn't need to see my pain. But God, I could do with a hug. The pain comes in waves. Some days I am normal, others I am crushed. He is so so very selfish - he just doesn't get it at all. Please hold my hand again.

Oh dear AlphaCourse I'm sorry to hear things have got to this stage but the positive is that you have at least made a decision about your relationship. I don't know how you get him to actually leave. I hope he goes soon though for your own sake and so you can start moving forwards. It's going to be hard but I'm impressed at your strength at holding it together in front of him. You have been an amazing, brave lady to give him a chance in the first place - silly arse has squandered it - so you can hold your head high. Good luck and keep strong in the next stage of getting him out.