Can I forgive this much deceit?

[alphacourse]

I am trying to figure out whether I can stay,have couples counselling, and try and work things out. Or....whether it is just too much betrayal and deceit. My mind swings between the 2 on a twice daily basis.

Background: DP has cheated on me with 2 women. He met with each one 4/5 times during my recent pregnancies. He has also met up for drinks with a few more. He met then through married affair websites.

I found out about the websites 10 weeks ago, and about the women 3 weeks ago. He followed the usual script of denial, deleting, minimising etc. Then I was contacted by a woman and he had to come clean.

He has started psychotherapy to deal with his issues. He says it was about the buzz of getting girls to be impressed by him.

How do I work out what to do for the best? Obviously he is desperate to work things out. I am prepared to listen at the minute. We have 3 DC. 2 are very small. Help me to make sense of this please!

Missed out the bit in the middle when he gave me his password! I also checked his messages. He met up with a girl in 2010 for coffee. He had been on a couple of dates with him before we met and they had stayed in contact. He blocked her at some point after they met.

we aren't married

good, makes it less complicated to completely detach yourself from this inadequate individual

I think that he thinks he can come back tomorrow and talk. I was prepared to talk this evening. I have to draw a line in the sand. He had the opportunity to talk - he chose not to.

Of course he thinks he can talk when he feels like it

I hope you make it crystal clear that he had his chance and he blew it

You do realise he was simply playing for more time to get his lies to tally up, don't you ?

i do - and it kills me

And when he decides he has got his lies prepared and wants to talk, if you refuse at that point he will accuse you of throwing the relationship away. Oh yes. It will be your fault.

Don't listen.

it is more about control. at his pace. when he is ready.

Indeed.

Except you have taken back the control. Which hurts like fuck right now but long term, your self respect will thank you for it

You've got the love and support of everyone who knows you. We're here for you to scream at, cry at, even smash things with if it'll help. And if you need any help with the DCs.

Alpha, stay strong. I know it hurts, but he will never be able to give you all of the details, or explain himself honestly, because that would involve admitting that he has done wrong. It will be far easier to blame you, or a breakdown, or a mid-life crisis etc, etc. I was stupid enough to ASK my xh to come back after an affair. He did it again, never having admitted blame the first time around.

Thank you. I am so so disappointed that he dint take this opportunity to tell the truth. I dont care who the women were that he had blocked I just wanted him to be man enough to tell me the truth. It doesn seem bizerre that he is still hiding things. Things CAN'T get any worse! At least if he
was being honest it would be one building block, But he even fucked that up :-( I have my lovely SIL here for support. I wasn't sure she would be, and feel bad for that, but she has been amazing. Thank you Catheric. My mum and dad know, but live a few hundred miles away. I have a couple of good RL friends too, who have been amazing and will support me either way, whether I stay or go, which is amazingly lucky.

no, alpha, you have amazing support because you are deserving of it

him, not so much

I know I am lucky. I have a supportive family, some good friends and my children he has none of those things. And I feel sad for him, then annoyed with myself for feeling sad for him! I am an EI woman. If he had been honest and open, I probably (i think) could have supported him. He is so self destructive. But he isn't destructing me. I WILL be pressing send on applications tomorrow. I am o9n SMP at the minute, so will need some help with housing benefit etc until September. When I met him I owned a house, and was a DH of a secondary school. I have post grad qualifications. I stopped working as I was in a wheelchair with SPD when pregnant with DC2 (when he left me over night to be balls deep in some random). I now work for his company. I have to change that to get my power back. I will apply for housing benefit and tax credit tomorrow. I will start to apply for jobs for September.

Why why why couldn't he tell me the truth?! Were these blocked women on FB just email encounters as he said?

Who knows ?

You know he has lied and you know you cannot trust him

there is no more you need to know now

So why do I thirst for the truth? To know what was going on whilst I was oblivious? What is wrong with me that I crave knowing the truth about how much deceit there was?

There is nothing wrong with you, it is a human response

But it won't help you, because he will never supply that closure for you

The best thing is to allow yourself to move on from it, and be kind to yourself

Time will help, but you must totally detach from him. He cannot (or will not) give you what you think you need

In the absence of a sister I hope a SIL will help with the rl support you need right now {{hugs}}

The truth is over rated, I've had every last fucking detail of truth and it hasn't helped - I've seen her bedroom where they fucked (right move - not peering through windows), spoken to the tarts involved for their version of events - mostly bullshit, it doesn't help.