Advice on how to deal with DPs mother

[gamermum]

Hi I have previously posted about my DPs mother trying to organise a baptism for DS and the way she reacted when I told her this would not be happening. I got some great replies and had the courage to stand up to her and stick to my guns. However since then she has not spoken to me neither has the rest of his family . I don't mind but it has caused fights between me and DP as he thinks I should try harder - I invited them to dinner they flat refused! I also want my DS to be able to know that side of the family (not without DP there ). Anyway his mother has sent me an email telling me she is setting out ground rules for our relationship and I need to have respect for her and listen to and action her parenting advice as she has done it before and I need to treat her like a mother. And a few other crazy things . I am so insulted and she wants a reply!!! I actually don't want anything to do with her anymore but DP can let her see DS . So my question is would you reply? And if I do should I tell her exactly how I feel or should I just tell her I don't wish to engage in her nonsense?
Also if my mother said these things to my DP I would be telling her she had no right to speak to him like that, surely my DP should say something ?
Should also add I wanted a naming ceremony but his family won't attend :(
Sorry it's so long

Stardust reply is good. Jrmummas made me laugh so hard. I am afraid that as he gets older he will become aware of the dynamics and that will have an impact on me but in yelling myself ill cross that bridge in a year or two . It's supposed to be a joyous time and she is sucking all the joy out of it. I'm going to tell DP I'm planning the ceremony that I want his support and involvement . Lets see how that pans out .

xiaoxiong+1 everything you say will be twisted from here to kingdom come. This is SO true. No matter how polite and civil you are it'll still be twisted because they'll read coldness in to your boundaries. How dare you have boundaries? how dare you be so cold? how dare you patronise a woman of her experience, your elder? your better ? how very dare you!? so believe me, no matter how carefully worded, no matter how perfectly you make your valid, reasonable points, she will just be offended that you DARED to make them.

I think it is important that OP gives over her pov just the once, politely stating her case.

Adter that has been done - no mercy!

Gamermum, my xmil tried to name my son after her late second husband. You couldn't make it up. I foolishly gave her the reasons why this wouldn't be happening. She just argued back with me, so we had a fight about what I was thinking . Thoughts I was entitled to have I just really regret getting in to conversation over so much of it.

Raising ill do one better she said she would only agree on Ds name if it was a good name based on numerology !! Luckily it was so I didn't have to have that battle !

NO NO NO

Do NOT reply and for god sake do NOT give the stupid, controlling, nasty cow an inch - she will take a mile and keep running.

Your DP is massively letting you down. It is time for The Talk. He needs to decide if he is with you or against you.

What Jux said was spot on and not at all harsh.

The woman is batshit crazy. My kids wouldn't be going anywhere near her without me and I wouldn't be going anywhere near her until she pulled her head out of her arse.

I wouldn't reply because, from what you've said, she sounds incapable of being reasonable so I can't see what it would achieve other than to suggest her unreasonable demands justify a response.

I would probably forward the email to dh and cc mil in, politely requesting that all communications go between the 2 of them.

My FIL has verbally abused me in the past I just walk away and say talk to my dh. Putting up with abuse from in-laws wasn't something I signed up to when I got married.

I also think you have a duty to protect ds from toxic behaviour. ATM dh takes our dc to see his dad and I don't go. FIL is a great GF to them, but dh knows that if he acted in any negative way to or in front of them then he would forfeit the right to see them. Dh completely backs me, if he didn't I would leave and dh knows that.

IMO where PILs are toxic All contact should go thru the child, not the DIL and the dh needs to 100% back their wife or I don't see how it could work.

Nightmare! interesting point raised earlier, did her mil have this much control over her ???

By thru the child I mean thru the PILs child not the actual child!

Do not engage with this woman. She is delusional & your partner needs to remove his head from his arse & remember you are his child's mother.

He is colluding with her just by keeping silent & not telling her to stop this nonsense. We ALL want an easy life OP.

If you feel you have to reply, how about:

Dear MIL,

thank you for taking the time to write. I've thought hard about what you've said but unfortunately I can't see your point of view, I don't believe one person can just decide the ground rules of a relationship between two adults. While you are a mother, you are not my mother and you can't expect to be able to decide how another adult interacts with you with no input from them.

I do appricate you taking the time to give me parenting advice, but I am recieving advice from many other sources (including my own mother, extended family, friends with children and healthcare professionals), as well as using my own instincts, I will use some of your advice in some situations, but in others I'll follow other people's advice - please don't take my rejection of your advice as rejection of you and your family, it certainly isn't meant that way. I'm sure you didn't just do whatever your mother-in-law told you when raising [DP] and his siblings.

We will be arranging a naming ceremony for [DS] in the near future. I really hope you and [FIL] feel able to come along and celebrate [DS] with my family and our friends. If there are any dates you definately can't do, please let me know and we'll try to avoid them. I know it's not how you would do things if you were [DS]'s mother, but it's how [DP] and I are chosing to raise our child.

Kind regards,

gamermum.

Or something else like that - something you are perfectly happy to be forwarded round the family without her orginal message attached and in no way could be twisted to make you look bad. Make sure you CC your DP.

I had a long reply in my head but ChippingInWiredOnCoffee has said it far better than I can

FWIW gamermum id hold off on the naming ceremony plans until you've made DP understand that he has to back you on all matters concering your child over his mum. If you carry on with the ceremony plans regardless, he might think that you are doing it in spite of his mother, rather than just because its what you want. If thats how he sees it then you might push him more towards the crazy woman.

FWIW, things have gotten better between my ILs (especially MIL) and me/DH since DH and I first got together. But they only started to get better after my DH stood up to them a few times.

It was almost as if they were still seeing my DH - a man in his mid-30s by the time I met him - as their "boy" instead of as a grown man. So, it was their duty to intervene and interfere, because they couldn't possibly leave something as important as our household or DSD's well-being to my DH, who they viewed as slightly inept. That attitude didn't change until my DH started to act like a man who engaged with his parents on an adult level. That took a few in-person conversations (unfortunately after some big drama) to accomplish though. It also took DH really putting his foot down about visiting, after MIL really crossed the line with me one day - we stopped going around for awhile or handing DSD over to her for school vacation babysitting. That was when MIL and FIL really got the message about who was in charge.

Meaning, this will not be the only issue your DP's mother throws a big strop about. Not by a long shot. For the sake of your family, your DP needs to wise up and tell his DM to back the heck off.

The trouble with replying is that whatever you say you're inviting another reply, further engagement, which is going to suck more of your energy and lead to another reply....more energy, more headspace wasted on this woman.

As others have said, you cannot win with someone like this. She is not a reasonable or decent person, she sees you as a threat to her power and she is not and never will be on your side.

The trick with such a person is to behave normally and politely, and simply ignore unpleasant behaviour. So send an invite to your naming ceremony, and if they come (which I bet they will, if only to be extremely pissed off about it) then that's fine.

But engaging with these ridiculous emails is beneath you. And if you simply withdraw and refuse to take the bait (rather than commit yourself in writing to something that could be used against you) then she will run out of steam. And soon enough, she will become smaller and smaller in your mind and you will be free of her mind games and bad behaviour.

Trust me on this, I have people like this in my life and the only way to beat them is to ignore them, they absolutely hate it! Remember, revenge is a dish served cold (and with an icily polite smile....!)

Yes your MIL is a mother, and has done it all before, but she has raised a son who has no backbone, guts or balls!

Ignore. Do it your way. It'll madden her, but you hold the cards - you hold her grandchild(ren).

Do not reply to any communications your partner's mother sends you because doing so only gives her more ammo to use against you.

The usual rules do not apply here as you are dealing with his toxic mother. All bets are off.

She may well have some form of personality disorder and as such cannot be at all reasoned with. You really do need to consider that distinct possibility. Trying to reason with someone like her is a waste of time and effort. Your man is also unable and perhaps also unwilling to stand up for his own family unit. He fails to realise that his primary loyalty is now to you and his child; not his mother.

I would also suggest that if she is too toxic/difficult for you to deal with then she is certainly too toxic for your child to have any form of contact with.

Don'tMind if that email was sent to my FIL he would get to

"I can't see your point of view"

And his brain would add in "because you're an American feminist harridan who doesn't realise that all you're good for is a growing container for the sacred next male heir but now you have stolen my son and brainwashed him and ended my familial line"

"it's how DP and I are choosing to raise our child" would become "It's how DP and I are choosing to destroy your life in the most spiteful way we can because we have thought long and hard about what would upset you most"

I seriously think that people like this read on the page what is in their head and not what is actually there. Hence any communication, if at all necessary, must be kept to the most basic factual stuff which cannot be twisted:

• "Odd weather we're having"
• "Could I trouble you for the salt"
• "Are you watching Wimbledon this year"

Ok I will not reply. And I will have a frank discussion with DP about it. I don't want to ask him to make a choice between me and his mother but he does need to tell her to back off . I just don't want him to be unhappy or falling out with anyone because of me. But I think I am being more than reasonable right ?!

Wow.

Don't reply...

Have the naming ceremony you want...

Invite her -- up to her whether she attends or not. Hopefully she won't.

You can't wonder if you are being reasonable, OP! Your DP and his mother will paint you as unreasonable whatever you do. So YOU of all people need to be firm in your conviction that you have every right to have your wishes respected wrt your child and how much contact you will accept to have with your MIL.

You have every right to state your needs, and to state your limits. Believe it.

Yes, you are being perfectly reasonable. Good luck with the talk.

If his mum says x and had always thought y, wuld he suddenly find he actually has always thought x? If he's that type get his actual thoughts spelt out first

You: do you want a naming ceremony?
Him: Yes.
You: so how do we deal with your mum?

Good decision not to reply, OP.

Dh spent years trying to reason with his parents. It just doesn't work because fundamentally they aren't reasonable! I can't tell you how much MUCH better it has been since we stopped doing all that.

The other thing I learned was that they were going to be pissed off with me/us whatever we did or said, so we might as well do stuff we feel comfortable with!

This article explains the wisdom of NOT responding very well.

she will enjoy the row

It will DRAIN you having to defend your right to have a boundary but it will inflate her. She wants one of two things, either your total admiration and assent or if not that, the drama of constant 'negotiation' with you. It is possible to give her neither but you have to drop the rope.