Advice on how to deal with DPs mother

[gamermum]

Hi I have previously posted about my DPs mother trying to organise a baptism for DS and the way she reacted when I told her this would not be happening. I got some great replies and had the courage to stand up to her and stick to my guns. However since then she has not spoken to me neither has the rest of his family . I don't mind but it has caused fights between me and DP as he thinks I should try harder - I invited them to dinner they flat refused! I also want my DS to be able to know that side of the family (not without DP there ). Anyway his mother has sent me an email telling me she is setting out ground rules for our relationship and I need to have respect for her and listen to and action her parenting advice as she has done it before and I need to treat her like a mother. And a few other crazy things . I am so insulted and she wants a reply!!! I actually don't want anything to do with her anymore but DP can let her see DS . So my question is would you reply? And if I do should I tell her exactly how I feel or should I just tell her I don't wish to engage in her nonsense?
Also if my mother said these things to my DP I would be telling her she had no right to speak to him like that, surely my DP should say something ?
Should also add I wanted a naming ceremony but his family won't attend :(
Sorry it's so long

[RaisingHooligirls]

I agree that not responding puts you in a position of power. AT first, when I stopped responding to my x's texts and emails, he probably thought "ha!" that told her! or "well,she can't argue with that!" or even "good, I've reined her back in she's at heel now". But after a while I did feel in control looking at my email in box and my phone and the correspondence was all flowing one way. Like a toddler he got really angry at one point that I wasn't takimg the bait. Now, years later, I sometimes risk the odd word. But I know that it was me that stepped out of that situation where he was the one making me justify and explain myself. I ended that. And now, there is power in that. I feel more in control of not just my life but they feel so peripheral. They (my x and his family) used to feel like a malevolent presence. They've just just faded now, and they aren't united because they all fight with each other now.

[Josie1974]

I also think your priority has to be to protect yourself and your dc. Your dh has his own journey to go on to sort out his own psychological mess caused by his childhood. Your job is to stop it affecting you and your dc.
You can't make him go on his own journey, he has to work that out for himself.
Good luck, tis hard:-(

[Josie1974]

Well done gamermum:-)

Btw I think it took my dh years to really see how screwed up his dad is and how awful his behaviour is - he grew up with it, it was his normal.

It wasn't until he realised I really would walk away if he did not put me and dc first that he got how serious it all was. I think before then he took us for granted and his conditioning was that his fathers needs always took priority over everyone else. Childhood conditioning is hard to break :-(

[AaDB]

This type of engagement is normal for you're oh. H is childhood has programmed him to react in this way.

He would be unable to justify this email attack sent from anyone else. Even though sheer is in the wrong, I can understand why he is defending his parents. He has the email and knows his mum is unreasonable. You have explained that you can only take comments like this on face value. I would say that for that reason alone it is better that he engages in future. I would make it clear that you will not be reading or responding.

[JRmumma]

Good for you Gamermum! Fingers crossed that your DP realises that he needs to back you on this and cuts those apron strings!

[unobtanium]

Well done gamermum!

I think you have done very well and hope things improve very quickly from here.

[AaDB]

I'm so glad you didn't send an email. Not responding is a positive action and sends a message about how you expect the relationship to be conducted. It doesn't make you weak and instead puts you in a position of control. I would block emails in future; don't read them.

There are many things I am adding to my arsenal when dealing with difficult people.

If you are passive aggressive the only place you leave someone to go is to the land of cross.

As much as I'm tempted to score points, I try to keep to facts and ignore barbs. Drop the rope.

My Dh is so kind and lovely that they must have been good parents. He is in a FOG. I'm sure they come from a good place but how they act and think just baffles me. They talk in a very different way when DH is out of the room. I have started to call them on it when he come back into the room. 'Dh, you mum was just saying xyz.' Each and every time they bitch or complain.

[Ledkr]

Mind up not back

[Ledkr]

It's been powerful for me to have dh admit they are wrong.
I'm at peace now and will not ever go there again (no food bossy and can't make decisions so waste entire weekends)
I'm not telling dh they can't visit but when they do I intend to take MY dd who they have upset too and do something nice.
Weekend away, visit friends etc.
dd2 can make her own back but they already hate the fact that she's free spirited like me and not uptight and compliant like they would prefer.

[Xiaoxiong]

I remember DH trying to explain why his father behaved this way (cutting people off, poison pen letters etc). My response was that there may be all sorts of explanations for why he said that stuff, family history, whatever - but was it an excuse? No - he had to admit that there was no excuse at all for saying it and no reason why either of us should have to put up with it.

[Floralnomad]

My husband also spent years excusing his mother but eventually it built to such a level that he had to speak to her because I wasn't prepared to put up with it. I must say that it has worked really well in the last 16 years ,he sees his parents( now parent) ,I don't and for the kids they are optional !

[gamermum]

Jux I wish my DP would have said that , he always seems to make excuses for her behaviour. "Oh it's just her style " or "she didn't mean any harm by it" but she does and it hurts and it hurts that he hasn't defended me but I really think she has him conditioned to always see the good in her crazy , if that makes sense.

[Oscalito]

The other thing I learned was that they were going to be pissed off with me/us whatever we did or said, so we might as well do stuff we feel comfortable with!

This is also worth remembering. Makes life so much easier if you stop dancing round these little despots and just please yourself.... and they HATE it!!

[Ledkr]

jux I agree. I told dh I don't expect him to kill his parents or refuse to ever speak to them again. Just a bit of bloody solidarity would suffice instead of finding excuses for their shoddy behaviour.

[Jux]

Well, good luck.

I wouldn't be happy with a dh who had to think about it, though. No "omg, that is awful, I totally understand your problem and am behind you all the way. Now what do you think would be the best way to approach her? She is my mum, after all, but I completely agree with you that she has to back off."?

[Googlella]

I think the best way to proceed is to try and keep an amicable distance. I would send one conclusive email that gets your point across, without starting a to-ing and fro-ing of emails. Keep it completely polite so there is NOTHING for her to reproach you with.

Something along the lines of: Thank you for your email. I hope we will be able to get along from now on. You are a very important part of our life. Whilst DP and I will make any parenting decisions, we appreciate your love and support.

It would mean so much to us all if you could attend DS's naming ceremony on...

As for any unreasonable demands/ comments she has made IGNORE IGNORE IGNORE .

Good luck OP!

[Ledkr]

Agree with annie my ds's would tell me to stfu if I tried to boss around my dils.
To be honest they'd never need to as I'm normal and dint think how they parent is any business of mine unless they ask.
I'd ignore it to (but find it difficult) as it just shows her YIU won't be pulled into her ridiculous game playing.
It took my dh 7 yrs to see how toxic his family can be.
Something happened that was so obvious he couldn't pas it off like he usually did and he finally had to admit they were out if order. I feel as if I'm not bothered by them now as I'm not on a mission to prove anything to dh.
His refusal to read the e mail speaks volumes.

[Anniegetyourgun]

He doesn't have to stop loving his mother. You're not asking him to do that, and of course you would not and could not. But just as you will both have to do when your precious baby becomes a wilful toddler, she needs boundaries set. We may grow older but inside us all is still the child we used to be, and hers is having a bit of a tantrum at the moment.

If I were ever to get uppity with DIL, which is most unlikely as she is fabulous, I know DS1 would have no trouble at all in explaining to me just where to get off. This suggests that I probably wasn't a toxic mother as I raised my boy to be able to stand up for himself and for anyone he cares about. Your DP is going to have to learn all that stuff as an adult, which is far harder.

[JaxTellerIsAllMine]

well done GM - he really does have to sort this - yes he has one mum, but she has obviously been allowed to run riot with the whole family and turn him into a weak boned man.

He also only has one partner and a child... he needs to think on!

[GiveItYourBestShot]

Blimey! Well done. Hope he thinks very carefully.

[gamermum]

So I printed the letter and when DP came home yesterday asked him to read it he refused at first , when he did read it he said her writing style is very patronising but that's just who she is! Her writing style !!! Not her!!! So I went through each point of the letter told him how it made me feel and asked him how he would feel if someone sent him an email like. Told him he needed to tell her to back off and understand the role of grandparent. He said he needs time to think about what to do cos he only has one mother I pointed out that he only had one me so think bloody hard! Thank you for all your replies I used sentences from many of them to get my point across. Lets just see what he decides.

[CommanderShepard]

As the mum in The Incredibles says:

DISENGAGE REPEAT DISENGAGE

She sounds very like my own MIL (right down to the not-christening!) who is still under the impression that DH and I are both children and treats us accordingly. I'm still working on making her see that I'm a full grown adult and not her daughter or her inferior (I swear she'd lay out my clothes if she could; fuck knows she seems to think she is in charge of decorating our house).

Until she's willing to behave herself, ignore her. Don't pander to her in any way. Drop that rope!

[RaisingHooligirls]

This article explains the wisdom of NOT responding very well.

she will enjoy the row

It will DRAIN you having to defend your right to have a boundary but it will inflate her. She wants one of two things, either your total admiration and assent or if not that, the drama of constant 'negotiation' with you. It is possible to give her neither but you have to drop the rope.

[ShoeWhore]

Good decision not to reply, OP.

Dh spent years trying to reason with his parents. It just doesn't work because fundamentally they aren't reasonable! I can't tell you how much MUCH better it has been since we stopped doing all that.

The other thing I learned was that they were going to be pissed off with me/us whatever we did or said, so we might as well do stuff we feel comfortable with!

[Jux]

Yes, you are being perfectly reasonable. Good luck with the talk.

If his mum says x and had always thought y, wuld he suddenly find he actually has always thought x? If he's that type get his actual thoughts spelt out first

You: do you want a naming ceremony?
Him: Yes.
You: so how do we deal with your mum?