Advice on how to deal with DPs mother

[gamermum]

Hi I have previously posted about my DPs mother trying to organise a baptism for DS and the way she reacted when I told her this would not be happening. I got some great replies and had the courage to stand up to her and stick to my guns. However since then she has not spoken to me neither has the rest of his family . I don't mind but it has caused fights between me and DP as he thinks I should try harder - I invited them to dinner they flat refused! I also want my DS to be able to know that side of the family (not without DP there ). Anyway his mother has sent me an email telling me she is setting out ground rules for our relationship and I need to have respect for her and listen to and action her parenting advice as she has done it before and I need to treat her like a mother. And a few other crazy things . I am so insulted and she wants a reply!!! I actually don't want anything to do with her anymore but DP can let her see DS . So my question is would you reply? And if I do should I tell her exactly how I feel or should I just tell her I don't wish to engage in her nonsense?
Also if my mother said these things to my DP I would be telling her she had no right to speak to him like that, surely my DP should say something ?
Should also add I wanted a naming ceremony but his family won't attend :(
Sorry it's so long

Oh Jux that seems a bit harsh( or maybe it seems harsh cos its true ). I dont think he is a wimp I think he would just prefer a simple life. He just wants everyone to get along and can't understand the way his family is acting, he seems quite hurt by it. I sent him the email so ill just have to wait and see if he reads it. As for naming ceremony I talked about just planning it and sending invites but he has suggested having 2!!! Im not sure if Im invited to the second one as I decided that was the end of that conversation.

Pictish do you think if I send a reply it will cause more problems and give her more ammunition to turn the rest of the family against me further? I really dont want my DP or DS to suffer because of this. While I think she is a mad cunt and don't really care if I dont see any of them again , she has made it clear that if I dont let DS see her he will resent me for it when he is older and then she will be there for him! I have suggested DP and DS to see his family without me but DS is so young I dont want him away from me for too long . Oh it really is a shitty mess!

It might, but if your reply is reasonable, measured and polite, that would be her choice, not yours. If you know you have behaved impeccably and done your best to sort this out, then you may hold your head up high and know you tried.

She cannot expect to bully and threaten you into agreeing to her terms.
It is not her child, therefore it is not her call....and no one can say otherwise.

This needs saying in a diplomatic but firm fashion. Ignoring her will antagonise the situation as well. You may as well have your say.

Had similar problems with my PILs in the past.

We have had great success with ignoring their unreasonable behaviour and getting on with what we want to do. If you want to organise a naming ceremony then do - if they decide not to come that is their decision. There definitely shouldn't be two, one of which the mother doesn't attend!!

If you ignore unreasonable behaviour then it does stop after a while. FIL was in the habit of sending ranty texts but once we stopped responding he did give up eventually He started in on how disgraceful it is that our children don't attend a Catholic school recently (even though there aren't any near us and they aren't baptised!!) - dh just changed the subject.

So my advice would be that actions speak louder than words. Your dp can arrange to see them with your lo. Sort out your naming day and invite everyone. Ignore any silly emails like that - she has no right to speak to you like that - don't dignify it with a response. You will need to get your dp on board though or he will undermine you.

If I don't reply ill antagonise or if I do reply ill probably have the same effect :(
I was thinking of sending a reply along the lines of : thank you so much for taking the time to write to me . I am finding motherhood tiring but very rewarding thanks for asking (she didn't ask). I hope you are well. I think if ground rules are being set out for a relationship it is important that one person doesn't dictate what they are it should be a joint decision. I dont think anyone can demand respect and you are neither my mother or MIL as me and DP arent married. With regards to parenting issues if we need advice we will ask , you are DS grandmother not his mother so the parenting decision are for me and DP to make as a family. Finally the only comment I have on the rest of the letter is that name calling and personal attacks will only serve to put more strain on all of our relationships and would prefer if you could not do it again.

What do you think?

Absolutely do not send a reply. Jux is right - your DH needs to grow a pair and make it clear to his mother that if push comes to shove he will choose you and DS over her.

Also everything Attila says.

I'm in the same situation with FIL. He sends me emails and I forward them to DH to deal with.

I know that not sending a reply is the best thing to do but tbh, I would be sending one asking if she is passing on everything taught to her by her mother in law, since clearly she is only asking of you what she did herself and you assume that her own mother in law gave her all her child rearing instructions, which she obeyed at all times. And possibly asking if her own mother was at all hurt by that, or did she incorporate her own mother's instructions into it, or did her mother in law and mother get together and decide between them how to raise X (your husband's name). Because if so, my mother's number is 01234 567890 and they could get together over coffee and decide how to raise your child, just as her mother in law and mother got together to decide how to raise hers.

Anyway his mother has sent me an email telling me she is setting out ground rules for our relationship and I need to have respect for her and listen to and action her parenting advice as she has done it before and I need to treat her like a mother.

Ground rules? What a bizarre concept - it takes two to nurture a relationship, not just one deciding what the rules are!!

Action her parenting advice? She's not the parent, you and your dh are, and you are not obliged to follow her advice whatsoever! How strange and self important she is!

Treat her like a mother? She's not your mother, so why would you regard her as such?

Your mil is behaving very inappropriately, and she needs to be enlightened of this fact, in the most reasonable way you can think of doing so.

I would just not engage. Forward the email to your DP and insist he mans up and deals with his mother. Arrange the naming ceremony you want and invite his side of the family.

Trust me, my MIL is hard work too. She is the type who sees her adult children as extensions of herself, and who wants to be in charge of her grandchildren. DH and I have learned the very hard way that engaging - especially in email and text messages - is the worst thing to do. It will only escalate drama, which is probably what this woman wants.

Let her be the one to be all in a flap and spinning her wheels. You do not have to justify something like holding a secular a naming ceremony vs a religious christening to anyone - you are the mom, end of. You just take a deep breath and know you have every right to do things your way. DP's mother's reaction is unjustified - but if you engage, you will make her feel as though it is justified.

I really can't thank you all enough for taking the time to reply . I really love DP and don't want to think he letting me down but I know deep down he is. I'm reading some good replies for and against sending a reply! I will decide by the end of day.

I would just put "I was surprised to hear from you. Just a quick reply to let you know the naming ceremony is on xxx at xxx, and an invitation will arrive shorty in the post."

You've replied, you've ignored, you've invited, you've remained polite......

If your DP's family are at all gracious, they will get over themselves and attend the naming ceremony you've arranged for your baby. If they are not gracious, well, they will have to live with the way they've behaved - they will have to look themselves in the mirror every day, and know that they deliberately skipped something special for their nephew/grandson/cousin because they were stubbornly caught up in petty drama.

Dear MIL

You are in or you are out, but, my child, my rules.

Ta ta

I think your reply is good, but I still think you shouldn't send it. Your reply would only work if she was a reasonable woman, and she isn't. Any response from you that doesn't involve you lying down to be walked on is going to provoke more ridiculousness from her.

As for your dp - print the email out in a large font, write "which woman do you love more?" in red felt tip across it, and put it on the fridge.

Have just skimmed through the thread so if this is a repeat my apologies...

If it was anyone else other than my dh's mother I would do nothing but because it is your dp's mother I guess you have to look like you care.

I would reply something like, 'It is unfortunate you feel like that......having brought up your own family I understand that it must be frustrating.....but --back off- now it is my turn.

Good luck!

Have read more...

I agree with Bertha you can't expect her to play fair. Don't get into negotiations with her.

Don't send that email. It may seem reasonable to you but all it does is feed her belief that she is entitled to a say, and you are sort of fanning that by entering in to even a polite conversation. The only way to assert your control is to not enter in a negotiation. And any discussion no matter how reasonable or polite you are determined to be is like a negotiation and you will end up yielding something to avoid being too confrontational or too rude. So do what you were going to do anyway. Always thing 'what would I do if she were In tumbicktoo and then do that.

Hi Mil

I have had time to read and digest your email, and have one or two points I'd like to make, if you will be good enough to read them.

Regarding your setting of ground rules, I have to tell you that it is my belief that how a relationship develops, is down to both of the people involved in it. I have never come across a scenario whereby one person lays down the law, so to speak, and expects the other person to simply aquiesce! Therefore I consider your 'ground rules' notion quite unreasonable. That is something that should be decided by both of us, and not just you. My feelings are of just as much import as your own.

I am very pleased to receive your parenting advice, as I do appreciate you are experienced. However, I am not obliged to follow it. I am pretty confident in my own abilities so far, and please be aware that I have received a wealth of advice from lots of people...my own mother included. I consider that I am at liberty to utilise what of it I deem useful, and disregard what I don't. The same applies to ANY parent.
I would always listen to what you have to say, but don't feel offended if I do not act upon it on each occasion. As xxxx's mother, those decisions lie soley with dh and I, and that will always be the case.

Does that sound any good??

OMG! She should be crawling up your arse trying to build bridges with you if she is petty enough to not speak to you for saying that you have chosen not to baptise your child, not 'settling out the ground rules' for your relationship! She sounds like a treat!

In regards to the parneting advice, id probably want to respond with something like 'i dont want your parenting advice, i live with one of your children and i cant say im too impressed at the moment with some of his qualities, and especially the absence of his spine. BUT DONT! ha ha. No, i think that this needs to be responded to by your OH on behalf of both of you, or by both of you together, in person. Putting something down on paper/email will never be taken in the manner/tone that it was intended, but dont just ignore it completely.

I think that you should put your foot down with DP over not wanting to get involved. He cannot bury his head in the sand over this, especially if he wants everyone to get on and have his quiet life. I suggest sitting down and going through the email together and discussing whether he feels any of it is reasonable/unreasonable, telling him it isnt acceptableat all for his mother to act in this way and that you will not have the welfare of your child dictated to by anyone. Make sure he understands why this type of behaviour needs to be nipped in the bud, by him, and immediately.

If you cant get him to see how unreasonable his mother is being, and get him to cut the apron strings, then im afraid that this problem will only get worse as time goes on.

I think if you are going to send anything it should be StarDusts email.

I would also insit my DH read the email, and tell him clearly that he can't bow out of it because it is too difficult for him to deal with.

lol at her ground rules! ie, when you do something I wouldn't do myself, you have to cave in and do it my way. riiiiiight, sign here gamergirl, sign here As if!

I often read MIL threads and think that the OPs are stoking the battle a bit, but this woman sounds like she has no self-awareness at all! "ground rules for the relationship" all drawn up by herself! what a bossy boots.

if I dont let DS see her he will resent me for it when he is older - or actually he might well see what she is really like and thank you for protecting him.

I'd think really carefully about letting dp take ds to see her. Think about how you think that will play out, especially as he gets older. What is that going to teach your son - that Grandma thinks Mummy is a piece of dirt, and Daddy thinks thats ok? That Mummy won't see Grandma but makes ds go? That what Grandma says goes, and everyone has to appease her? Do you want your son learning all that? Do you imagine MIL is going to speak nicely about you to your son? And what happens when he gets old enough to have opinions of his own - do you think she'll still be the doting grandma?

Plus, letting dp take ds to see her, is giving him an easy way out. He doesn't need an easy way out, he needs to step up and show the world who matters to him.

Honestly, you're not the brood mare. I don't get these women who expect a relationship with their grandchild while treating the mother of that child like something they found on the bottom of their shoe.

I agree with Lemon. If any response is made by you (rather than DH) the one drafted by StarDust is the absolute max you should write. In fact I would even remove the "I was surprised to hear from you" and put just:
"Dear MIL,
Thanks for your email.
Just a quick reply to let you know the naming ceremony is on xxx at xxx, and an invitation will arrive shorty in the post."

Any engagement on her actual email - the ground rules, the demand for respect etc - must come from your DH and only from your DH or every single thing you say no matter how reasonable will be twisted from here to kingdom come.

that's a good email pictish but MIL will be stoked up that her dil dares to talk to her in such a patronising way (that is how she will see it). It just opens up a dialogue about their relationship, about the grandchild. The truth is still that the OP is not obliged to defend herself, explain herself, justify herself, and these battleaxes don't learn that if you keep trying to make them see your pov. My xmil only finally learnt that I am in charge when I stopped justifying, explaining and defending and just sailed forth so to speak, without entering into dialogue with her, which I can assure you she did see as a negotiation. She never GOT that I was telling her 'no, we'll do this my way'. All my defending and justifying every did was confirm her belief that I needed to justify myself to HER. Only when I stopped doing it did she grasp that actually I don't need her approval or her blessing. What she needs is mine. She is very peripheral to her grandchildren's lives and that is her own fault now.

Dear MIL

have forwarded your latest email to DP. Please send all further emails directly to him.

Would that work?