Dad sexually abused me as a child & confessed to it, mother is supporting him rather than me, advice needed pls!!

[Freckly]

Was sexually abused from the age of 4 ( maybe b4 that who knows?) frequently until 13 then more sporadically until 17 when it finally stopped. Recently told my mother & brother when I had my DD as obviously don't want my father anywhere near my DD. They believed me straight away & were v supportive until I went to police & then all change with my mother. Since then she's been trying everything to get me to drop it coz she can't live w/o my dad, even despite what he's done. She would rather live with a self confessed paedophile than live by herself! With that attitude I should just cut ties with her completely, how can she condone (sp?) that sort of behaviour from anyone nevermind someone who has abused her own daughter! She's putting everything b4 me & how I'm feeling, her new house, her car, what people will say when they find out, doesn't want to live by herself etc....I feel like I've been kicked in the guts many times over, bad enough that I've had to tell her this awful thing about the man she loves but now based on her attitude I feel like cutting ties with her completely. Problem is I love her dearly & feel devastated that it's come to this. Don't want to lose her but am starting to think that am better off w/o her (based on her current mindset). Should I give her more time for it to register (it's been 5 wks since I told her) or am I wasting my hopes on her? Would appreciate your thoughts and apologies if I don't reply until tomorrow evening.....I have her visiting me until then.

Thx in advance xx

I am so sad for you. I cannot even imagine how hurtful it must be to not have your own mother's support when the abuse was at the hands of your father. Do you think that she only found out 5 weeks ago or that she has known/suspected for longer?

Did you maintain a relationship with both of your parents untul your dd was born?

Is your brother being more supportive?

I fully understand that it may be difficult for you to reply while she is in your home. Do you have anyone else to talk to?

While she's visiting you, don't make any promises!

Don't agree to anything regarding dropping the charges, keep an open mind, it has only been 5 weeks for you as well, in terms of this sad thing being out in the open. Be civil, don't get in to any big emotional scenes as she may try to manipulate you.

I can't tell you what to do about cutting ties or pressing charges but I strongly feel that you should be wary of being cohersed in to any decisions on either matter at the moment. You need time to think clearly. Could you brother drop in while your mother is visiting you, just to keep an eye on things?

Like others said might be worth having someone with you while she visits, you are doing the right thing in going to the police, you would feel devastated if he ever did it to another child.

All the best XX

Yes, I did maintain a relationship with both parents up until I brought this all out into the open. I knew by my mother's reaction when I told her that she didn't know anything about it. I never wanted to have to tell her about this as I knew she would be devastated but now I have my DD to consider I had to tell her in order to keep her away from my father as my parents have a very close relationship & she never goes anywhere or does anything w/o him. Thankfully my brother is being supportive. I feel sorry for him coz he's caught in the middle of it all but he is supporting me. My DH is also incredibly supportive of me in all this, I'm just gutted about my mother's lack of support & what this means for our relationship. My mother & I had a big discussion last night about it all where she expressed all her concerns as I described in my original post. At no point did she express any concern for my welfare or ask how I was feeling/coping with it all. She wants me to "forgive" my father & drop the whole thing so that she can maintain the status quo. She thinks that I'll be fine coz I have DH & DD whereas she thinks she doesn't have anyone (not true but that's what she thinks). I told her that I need her too, I love her v much & that she's very important to me, but she doesn't seem to realise how her attitude is affecting me & our relationship.

I really want to pursue this through the courts in the hope that my father'll get some sort of punishment for what he's done to me, small price for him to pay for the lifetime of horrendous memories & flashbacks I will have to endure for the rest of my life. I told her that if I dropped this it would be only for her sake & then what sort of relationship could I ever hope to have with her after that, knowing that she wanted me to let him off with it so that she can carry on life as normal with him? How twisted is that?! I think I would end up resenting her, so what is the point? She said that she would rather die than live with this pain so I asked her would the pain vanish just by me dropping the charges to which she replied it wouldn't so I told her that there was no point in me not pursuing it then. I keep reminding her that dad is the cause of all this pain & she needs to get angry with him & take it up with him, not me. So no, I haven't agreed to dropping the charges or anything like that.

I somehow managed to stay calm throughout our discussion after which she went to bed & then the implications of what she said to me started to hit home & I am so upset. My DH is furious with her, so much so that he's planning to come home from work later this morning to tell my mother that she's not welcome to come & see DD while she continues this supportive attitude of my dad....I really don't want a big blow up, I feel bad enough as it is. Can't control how my DH feels about it all of course. I'm just so distraught about it all.

Freckly

I am sad for you also.

Have you had any professional counselling re the abuse you suffered?. It may well be something you need to do and consider if you haven't already done so.

Not excusing your Mum's actions at all but she may be thoroughly shamed (her husband could be charged with child abuse and thus convicted) along with the fact that the man she chose to marry has turned out to be an abuser of their daughter. Her life with him has been based on a lie as a result.

Her actions may be her way of coping with something she cannot ultimately deny. You do not know what went on between these two in their marriage; he may well have abused her as well.

As I've said above this does not excuse her at all but it may be why she is acting as she is.

What's your brother's opinion on her attitude?.

There are various UK websites for adult survivors of child abuse. You may want to visit such a site in conjunction with having professional therapy.

I wish you well.

Oh Freckly ...
No advice as no experience but just wanted to say how sorry I am that you have been through this and how fantastic and brave I think you are for coming out in the open and facing it head on. Also it shows what a fantastic mother you are in protecting your child.
I don't know what I would do in your shoes as I think that being abused by your father would be bad enough let alone your mother asking you to 'let it go' ... ... it must feel like a double whammy for you.
Good luck in whatever you decide to do ... hugs {{{}}}

Freckly,

"she never goes anywhere or does anything w/o him".

That sentence could be telling in its own right. She could well have been under his complete control throughout their marriage. He as the abuser had all the power and control is all about power as well. Now the rug has been pulled from underneath her life and her marriage for what it is is a sham, she's lashed out at you as a result (have read of such reactions before, its certainly not unknown). She is in turmoil as well but is also in denial.

Would reiterate this is no excuse on your Mum's part but have a feeling all the above is behind her actions towards you.

I would suggest you also talk to an abuse survivors counsellor about your Mother's reactions towards this knowledge you have given her.

so sorry to hear this feckly

does your dad know that you have told your mom and brother the truth?? if so has he admitted it or is he denying it??
how is your brother handling all this has he got children himself do you think their is any chance he moght of abused your brother as well??

You have done the right thing no matter what you are a mother now and your priority is your baby and you have made that very clear by telling the truth no matter what just rerember that you did all this to protect your baby, you are a very brave woman

Haven't had any counselling yet but am on the waiting list. Nothing available until end of July unfortunately.

Attila, don't think that is the case within their marriage, at least I've never seen any evidence of my father controlling my mother. She just seems to be the type of person who needs a man by her side all the time. If my father couldn't go somewhere with her she would ask my brother to go with her instead.

I know she's having a hard time of it too but I was hoping some semblance of support from her instead of the emotional blackmail she's piling on me. Terrible thing to say but I feel like telling her to get a grip! I've asked her to have a think about what things are most important to her & maybe that might help her to get things into perspective. Problem is that she doesn't seem to be thinking about anything except getting me to drop it & what's going to happen to her if I don't. I've told that if she continues to suppor my dad she will have to live with the consequences of her decision whatever they may be.

really for you

as someone that was sexually abused as a child from one of my brothers older friends years later when i did tell(around 11) my mom,dad and brother my mom and dads reactions were sort of "are you sure, did he actually put his hands in your pants because if he did that is very dirty"
(sorry sounds sick but the truth)by them saying that it made me feel at the time as if i was to blame and i was dirty so in the end i said no he touched me through my pants and then it was sort of dropped my mom and dad. The male it was visits his mom and dad who live down the road from my mom and dads and when i see him i completely ignore him and my mom and dad still say hello to him he now has children him self and so does his sister and i get told seen *** today and he looks such a good dad

looking back and even still now i think my mom and dad were in and still complete denial about it , this cant be happening to our daughter but from their reaction when i told them it was pushed on to me as if i was the dirty one because they couldnt handle the truth, just thinking if this was simular for your mom thinking this couldnt of happened not to my daughter things like this dont happen to us

oh poor you .. how horrific .. and how sad and confused you must be feeling

I think your mother might just be going through the natural 5 stages of grief .... which is understandable as by telling her you have changed her entire history and probably her future too

the stages of grief apply to death but also any traumatic event, they are not linear and a person can go round and back and go through stages more than once ..

have copy and pasted it .. the following is an explanation with regards to a dead battery in a car:

DENIAL --- What's the first thing you do? You try to start it again! And again. You may check to make sure the radio, heater, lights, etc. are off and then..., try again.

ANGER --- "%$@^##& car!", "I should have junked you years ago." Did you slam your hand on the steering wheel? I have. "I should just leave you out in the rain and let you rust."

BARGAINING --- (realizing that you're going to be late for work)..., "Oh please car, if you will just start one more time I promise I'll buy you a brand new battery, get a tune up, new tires, belts and hoses, and keep you in perfect working condition.

DEPRESSION --- "Oh God, what am I going to do. I'm going to be late for work. I give up. My job is at risk and I don't really care any more. What's the use".

ACCEPTANCE --- "Ok. It's dead. Guess I had better call the Auto Club or find another way to work. Time to get on with my day; I'll deal with this later."

does that seem relevant at all?

its like reading part of my life story
from age 3 till 13 my father also did this to me.

when i was 17 and he came home drunk and smashed the house up..knowing the police had been called i finally told my brothers then girlfriend, followed by my mother..she looked at me and asked me 'Honest'?

all the people i had treied to tell but never actually said the words, the one person who i HAd told..nonewere no where to be found and TBH i was walking round in a bubble so didnt think of half of them..police arrested him..he called our house to ask my mum to take him some overn dishes and tea towels to 'house' he was put in..and she wanted to oblige!
he half arsdly attempted suiside and told solicitor to ring us to see if we'd look after his car while he was in hosp..solicitor actully asked me!
she wanted to oblige!
went to court days before my 18th birthday...he walked away.
he now lives with a woman and two boys.
when i had dd, h.v aske dme to re-take him to court as laws had changed and he could actually be put away, but i am not strong enough.
my mother stood by and watched him half kill her, beat my brother black and blue and also hit my poor now passed away grandad..a frail old man.

i believe my mother knew what happend to me but didnt/or didnt have the guts tostop him.

i still see her occasionally, she adores dd, but i do not leave her in her house with her and the relationship is like a volcano.

you need to do this.
your mum may be frightend of being on her own, but this is no excuse, she should be with you 100%, if this god forbid was my dd id have murdered him now!
you have support from other family, if you do not do it you will regret it and he 'could' go onto do it again, if he has admitted it, then he doesnt see he's done anything so very very wrong and is dangerous.
mainly for yours, but for your childs sake, go to police.
then i would strongly advise you to seek counselling.
i went to RASAC(rape and sexual abuse) but it was too soon at the time and am now (11 years later) at CBT then going onto antoher sexual abuse counselling at the end as oputting it to th back of your head doesnt work, its got to be resolved in your head, then and only them will you be able to move on properly.

i wish you all the luck in the world and send you all my strengh to help you deal with it.
x

Freckly, your dd is so lucky to have you as a mum to protect her .

It must be awful for you not to have your mum's support now. It must be such a bombshell for her though - if she truly never guessed what was happening, she must be in complete turmoil now, if not totally in denial.

I really hope that she'll be able to get her head round it in some way, but I wouldn't have thought 5 weeks would be enough. I think all you can do in the meantime is stand firm and carry on pressing charges and hope that eventually she'll be able to come to terms with what's happened and give you the support you need.

I told my mother, then my brother & then we confronted him about it togther. He admitted to it so there's no doubt in my mother's mind that he did it. I asked my brother if my dad had touched him. He said that if he had he had no memory of it. No, my brother doesn't have any kids but someday he may do. He doesn't understand what's going on in my mother's head either. She's obviously not been saying any of this stuff to him coz he's always horrified when I tell him what she's been saying to me. He said that anytime he tries to talk to her she just sits there crying & not responding, said that he's kind of been avoiding her a bit lately coz she's just bringing him down....self preservation I guess. He doesn't yet know about last night's discussion.

Twiglett, thanks for the grief info. I've seen the denial, bargaining & depression parts but she seems to have bypassed the anger piece unfortunately. I wish she would reach thaat bit so that she get angry with my dad, instead of trying to "bargain" with me to drop it.

When my dad was questioned by the police about the details in my statement he just said no comment to everything & then wouldn't sign his statement then he went home & told my mother what I had said in the statement. He told her that I said things in the statement that weren't true so there was no way he was going to plead guilty. When she told me what I was supposed to have said in my statement I told her it wasn't true, so now he's lying about that to her aswell in order to justify trying to wriggle out it. He's such a creep. What's worse is that she just unquestioningly believes what he says w/o even checking with me & then says things to me accusingly. I just don't understand how she can even look at him never mind be a listening ear & support for him. What's wrong with her? She's a woman & a mother as am I, I know 5 weeks isn't long but I expected better than this from her. Carolina, I really hope that you're right & she will change as time goes on but TBH from where I'm standing right now things are not looking good.

Anom, Evesmum, sorry to hear that you've had similar experiences. I understand only too well how you're feeling xx

Freckly - lots of sympathy and empathy

Our family is going through a similar thing at the moment and I entirely agree with Atilla's earlier post about your Mum's reaction. I wish I could write more to support you but things are very difficult at the moment regaring this issue and I don't want to get too upset with the DSs around.

Really really feel for you and find it both comforting and sickening that other people have to go through what we are going through at the moment as well

I don't think she's bypassed it I think she hasn't reached it yet

don't forget that horrendous though it seems you've had since you were 4 to build the mental defences and ability to deal with such a horrendous set of circumstances

she has had what? 5 weeks? .. she won't be rational .. she won't be meaning .. please please try to ride it through ..

I am so sorry for all concerned in this

oh freckly...ive no idea whatsoevr whats the best thing to do here...its a biggie alright

i hope i havent misjudged this,but if it is any consolation atall....

i have two friends [one close ,one a friend of a friend]..whose mums both reacted similarly to your mum when they were told the truth about the abuse.they were both adults when they told their mum too.the mums have both stuck with the dad/abuser

it might not be that you ahve to cut off from your mum completely ,but [a tonne of ]counselling may help you resahpe her role in your and your family's life.[easy to say ,i know]

you sound pretty amazing in the circumstances

love beans

Hi Freckly,

You seem to have said all the right things to your mum. She is lucky that you have been able to keep cool, not explode at her, and show her you still love her!

I haven't had your experiences, but I do know what it's like to have an unsupportive mother, who puts the man in her life first, and avoids anything that might 'rock the boat' even if it means denying the amount of pain her children are feeling. With both me and my brother there have been issues of abuse outside the family that my mother prefers to downplay.

This really is your mum's problem. You're absolutely right that you deserve more, and your mum is letting you down. I only hope that with time your mother comes to see that getting you to 'be quiet' is not going to make everything alright - her world is never going to be alright again.

I imagine she is also in denial about her guilt, and failure to notice and protect you. Admitting the full extent of your father's behaviour means having to think very deeply about herself - that is a v. painful thing to do and something that people avoid, even if ultimately it is inevitable and necessary.

Counselling not only helps with what happened, but what you can and can't do about the people around you. It sounds to me like you are managing to keep a sense that what happened to you was wrong, not your fault, and needs to be talked about, despite pressure from your mother - and that will be a source of strength for you in the future.

Maybe for the moment you have to allow your relationship with your mum not be good. Accept that, for the time being, you're not going to have the mum you want or deserve, and look for support elsewhere.

I used to go on and on at my mum, because I was angry that she was not the mother I should have been able to expect. I finally had to accept that she was not that mum, and to rebuild our relationship on a more honest footing, to let go of my expectations of a 'good mother'.

My dh also wants to 'shake' my mum. It's sweet, because I know it's because he thinks so much of me that he feels I deserve better! Having children brought up a lot of the issues again for me, but actually it also made me realise that I was right to have felt let down, and I hope that my dd can expect better of me.

Sorry to ramble on so long......!

Freckly,

This man has a lot of power over her doesn't he; its like he has a svengali type hold over her and she is also weak.

She is seeing the threads of her life with this man unravel around her. She is going to someday face the harsh realisation that what she thought she had was a lie. Would agree with Twiglett that she has not come anywhere near anger yet and the sequence of grief that Twiglett also described can also equally happen in different sequences.

Am not unfortunately all that surprised to see that she has lashed out like this towards you. She needs counselling herself regarding her own emotions but my guess is she will not seek any help for her own self. She just wants to maintain the status quo becuase its easier for her to maintain such a facade but things will never be the same again for all concerned.

i have never to this day 'told' my mum or anyone other than police for that matter what he actually did as like its been said..we've dealt with it all our life it will knock everyone else for 6..although this doesnt excuse them for not supporting you

Freckly what an awful position to find yourself in, when you need the most support...
Your mother sounds like a weak person
If it goes through police and he is found guilty he will go to prison in all likelihood, she will lose him one way or the other, he will also go on the sex offenders register, their lives will change considerably.
Does this mean you think she knew all along Feckly?
I think following this through the justice system would give you strength and an ending, how you could move on without gettig that power and justice back, I don't know
Just wishing you strength and hugs and lots of warm love xxx

freckly, I haven;t read all the posts but wanted to say something as your situation is so sad. FWIW I think you are doing the right thing. I also think that to have kept it from your mum for so long was astounding on your part, but that clearly couldn;t carry on now you have dd. I suspect though that your mum has very little idea how this has affected you. From her perspective you've had a good adult life, happy marriage and now a daughter, so she's struggling to understand why you have - seemingly - changed your mind about how to deal with everything. I think in many ways you need to strip away the complexities of dd, your mum, the passing of time, and let her know straight exactly how your father's behaviour has affected YOU. Maybe you need to take some time and put it in writing. I also think that your mum has not had much time to come to terms with this, it will take a long long time. You sound very strong, and - thankfully - you have a good dh and brother. And you sound remarkably empathetic to your mum. Look after yourself first and foremost for the moment. You don't need to decide now whether you are "wasting your hopes". I hope this makes sense.

He may have abused other children. So, basically, your mother is saying don't press charges on him for HER own selfish reasons, when doing so may be what will stop him from ruining other childrens' lives, if he has in fact abused other girls?

See a counsellor, but if this were my own mother I couldn't have contact w/her, either.

My chief job as a mother is to protect my girls. AT ALL COSTS. If I hadn't wanted this to be so, to put them first and not even consider it a sacrifice to myself, then I have FA business calling myself a mother.

I was in a slightly different position to you. My step-father and mum had already divorced when I told her what he had done to me. However when she found out he was dying of cancer about 10 years later she wanted to take him back as he was the only man she had 'really loved'.

I never said anything to her but told others that I and DS would never step foot in her house again if he went there. In the end he never went back to her. However a part of me has never forgiven her for 'chosing' him over me then.

I can honestly say that the day he died (doped up to the eyeballs to stop the pain) was the greatest day of my life and it was like a weight had been lifted. I didn't realise for all those years what I had been living under. I never had the guts to go to court about it I wish I had sometimes

I cannot imagine how much your mum is hurting you but I think you need to concentrate on you and your family. If your mum comes around eventually that will be great. If she doesn't she is accepting what he did and that is not acceptable and you and your DD do not need a person like that in your life.

Oh freckly, you are being so brave. Stick to what you know is right. It sounds to me as though being seperated from your father for a while might do your mum quite a lot of good, regardless of her thoughts.