Dad sexually abused me as a child & confessed to it, mother is supporting him rather than me, advice needed pls!!

[Freckly]

Was sexually abused from the age of 4 ( maybe b4 that who knows?) frequently until 13 then more sporadically until 17 when it finally stopped. Recently told my mother & brother when I had my DD as obviously don't want my father anywhere near my DD. They believed me straight away & were v supportive until I went to police & then all change with my mother. Since then she's been trying everything to get me to drop it coz she can't live w/o my dad, even despite what he's done. She would rather live with a self confessed paedophile than live by herself! With that attitude I should just cut ties with her completely, how can she condone (sp?) that sort of behaviour from anyone nevermind someone who has abused her own daughter! She's putting everything b4 me & how I'm feeling, her new house, her car, what people will say when they find out, doesn't want to live by herself etc....I feel like I've been kicked in the guts many times over, bad enough that I've had to tell her this awful thing about the man she loves but now based on her attitude I feel like cutting ties with her completely. Problem is I love her dearly & feel devastated that it's come to this. Don't want to lose her but am starting to think that am better off w/o her (based on her current mindset). Should I give her more time for it to register (it's been 5 wks since I told her) or am I wasting my hopes on her? Would appreciate your thoughts and apologies if I don't reply until tomorrow evening.....I have her visiting me until then.

Thx in advance xx

If you cant see a councellor for another month, please check out the websites for survivors. Lots of othres have had a similar reaction from their mothers and reading their stories will help you.

i agreee with those who say she is in shock. i think you have to let things lie for a while with her. She has a lot of stuff she needs to work out and you are not the person to help her do that.i agree it woudl be great if she was able to support you during thsi time, but she;s not able or willing to do that ( yet). So you just have to get help for you and concentrate on what you want to do about pressing charges etc. It will be very tough and will affect you and your DH / DD so you need to focus on that.

maybe your mums attitude will chaneg with time. she's still in denial I suspect.

sorry I knwo there is no easy answer or easy way to find peace about this. But remember what you said

"....... dad is the cause of all this pain & she needs to get angry with him & take it up with him, not me."

Freckly, I have been through something far too similar and my heart breaks for you.

My "dad" was actually my step-dad but he'd been the only dad I knew. Mine started when I was 7 and continued until I was 12. They'd only been married a year when it started. My sister was born and I guess I was his outlet for that.

I didn't tell anyone for years. I was ashamed and was told it was "our little secret". I got older and realised how wrong it was. I started acting up at school which was unusual for me because I was such a good kid. Eventually, I got into a fight with another girl and on the way home from school in the car I told my mother. Her reaction? I am sending you to the dr for a test. I don't believe you.

We got home and she told him what I had said - it wasn't confrontational at all - and he said he was just "teaching me about the facts of life". And you know what? Nothing else was ever said or done. I just had to get on like it had never happened. It was swept under the proverbial rug for years. I left home as soon as I could at 18. I never told anyone else until I told my then dh. I got married at 19, too, probably in large part just to escape though I did truly love him at the time.

When my dd was born, there was no way in hell they were having anything to do with her. I now live 5000 miles from them and haven't spoken to them in years. Sometimes I, too, want to bring charges against him. But I know he'd deny them and what good would it serve? My sister was never subjected to the same as me but she was his biological child. She is still close to them and doesn't understand the rift. I've not spoken to her in the same amount of time.

I had to cut them off completely for my own sanity. I've never had any counselling for this. I've had it thrown back in my face by one person I trusted it with it (an ex-boyfriend) and since then have not talked about it. I think it has shaped my adult relationships but I'm not going to blame my failings as an adult on this.

It's so hard but you do need to do what is best for you. I'm not shocked by your mum's reaction as I think women who are with these men are too scared to leave. My mum probably dreaded being on her own again. It's no excuse but that is their mindset. In my opinion, my mum chose him over me and that is completely unforgiveable. Sometimes when friends have parents who die and make comments about how I should "do something before it's too late", I want to tell them that to me they're both dead already. It's harsh but it's true. A childhood ruined by someone's perversions is reason enough to cut them out of your life forever.

Sparkly...your post gave me goosebumps.

I wasnt going to post as I didnt think I had anything to say but my heart goes out to you all.

Rhubarb....a friend of mine was abused but blocked it out and it was only when she read an article about abuse that the whole thing came flooding back to her that her father had abused her badly.

She has never been able to form relationships.

Freckly, I just wanted to send love your way. Its such a sad situation for you and I hope (esp with the help of MNs experienced) that you can find a happy way through this eventually. Love to you and your precious ones.

And to you sparkly. And to those who can't talk about it.

Freckly - i am in the exact same boat as you - i have name changed

My bloody horrible father ATTEMPTED to abuse me between the ages of 13-17 i cannot and will not forgive..
My parents are divorced but she still maintains contact with the abusive one ???why?? she too was abusive in a different way though she had a drink problem. All my family still maintain contact with evil parents and he gives them lots of money and free holidays etc - maybe this is why? I dont get it at all . I cannot cope with siblings still seeing/talking about him so one by one i have to drop them.
I feelas if they all somehow see ME as the villain when how can this be. I AM bitter and i AM resentful ..I feel very hard done to
sorry i am no help

sparkly1 just read your thread and now i cry - i understand and FEEL your pain so much [hugs]
Its so good to know i am not alone

Freckly, I was in a similar situation to you (close family member but not my Dad) and have never told any of my family (and changed my name here as some people know me in RL). The main reason I never told my mum was that I was terrified of not being believed and ashamed it was happening to me. I can imagine how betrayed you feel by your mother - even as an adult who has pretty much come to terms with it, I tremble at the thought of telling the family and I doubt I ever will.

It may be possible to forgive (I have) but thats for you to do in your own time and at your own speed and not to your mothers agenda. Can you just say to her that you're angry with her for not supporting you through this and need to stay away from her for a while, perhaps arrange some kind of minimal contact say one hour a fortnight with other members of the family around but without your father so you don't lose touch completely in the meantime?

I had excellent counselling from the NSPCC who had a woman who dealt with adult victims of child abuse, I don't know if you've tried them?

I had a mental block about my abuse for many years but it wasn't like forgetting something. I KNEW it was there but had just sort of draped a blanket over it so I didn't have to deal with it. When the floodgates opened, it was a bit like it moved from being a photo in a drawer to a widescreen colour moving image in front of me. If you really can't remember any abuse Rhubarb, then I think you're right there wasn't any. If your childhood wasn't happy, I'm sure that could create similar behaviours.

Freckly, if you want to talk any further I'd be happy to if you CAT me.

Take care of yourself and your family and you will be just fine. Your mother has to battle her own demons for now and may come to a more rational place in time. However hard it will be for you, you will do great without her support. Honest

I should add that I was a "long termer" like you 6-18 and I'm sure it would have continued a lot longer had I not learnt how to take some control of my own life back.

I should have added that my mum was what I grew up to think of as a weekend drunk. She'd get her beer in every Friday and Saturday and get completely off her head. I hated her for that, too. I suppose it was her way of dealing with it. I don't know nor care if I'm honest.

I'm just so sorry that there are so many of us that have gone through this. I think kids today are more clued about what is right and what is wrong in terms of inappropriate touching. Though that wouldn't have helped me. To this day, I can remember the night it all started. I pretended I was asleep through it all. That said, it was tame then compared to what it grew into.

My thoughts are with you freckly and hidingbehind and Evesmama. I feel I'm on the other side of it now and it's just part of what I went through to be the person I am today. I have a great dd and a good life. Don't let these men bring you down. They are the lowest of the low.

Thinking of you all.

Tooscaredtotell your post hit a chord with me about the whole forgiveness factor. I think, for me, some things are entirely unforgiveable. I do, however, admire you for being able to achieve that in your life. Everyone deals with this type of thing differently and there is no "right" way of doing it. The thought of even seeing my dad makes my blood boil. I'm sure my parents would pretend to not know why I've not spoken to them in nearly 8 years. But deep down when he goes to sleep at night, he knows why and he has to live with that, not me. I feel no guilt or remorse about removing them from my life. None.

"it's just part of what I went through to be the person I am today" - absolutely how I feel, Sparkly.

I'm sure it sounds sick to some people but I'm sure I am a nicer more empathetic person as a result. Conversely I think I'm tougher than most. I didn't weep buckets over Princess Di nor get sad over fictional things on TV (as a rule) - I'm much more sparing of my tears than most.

So am I a hard cow or compassionate woman?

My brother abused his daughter & possibly her friend. He is serving a sentance, which is due to end late this/early next year. I am devestated. I loved my brother, really looked upto him & he has shattered all of that, made my love for him a lie & my childhood with him has been tainted. I hate him, truely truely hate him. I had no doubt in my mind that he was guilty....my brother, a peodophile (i feel sick just thinking about it)

My 2 sisters had to ask their young children if he had ever done anything to them, a thing they never thought they would have to do & have earmarked as the hardest thing they have ever had to do. Thankfully, at the time I didn't have children, but he will never meet my child ever....

He thinks he did nothing wrong. He has had no councelling inside as they feel he won't benefit, after 8 years inside he denies he did wrong, he admits to the abuse, but "she is my daughter, I am her father, I'll do what I want". His wife is waiting for him to come out & they will set up home together. Their youngest (about 10) may well be taken into care, but she doesn't care as she loves her dh more (her words) "I can live without my children, as in the end they all fly the nest, but will not live without my dh". I do hate to say this, but there is a realy possiblity that she knew, although we can't prove it. The daughter is now pregnant (is 18) and apparently the father could be one of many, her only way to get love is by letting men use her, the way her own father did!

If my dh were to ever do anything like this, he wouldn't stand a chance. Expat said it perfectly,
""My chief job as a mother is to protect my girls. AT ALL COSTS. If I hadn't wanted this to be so, to put them first and not even consider it a sacrifice to myself, then I have FA business calling myself a mother""

Trust your instinct, your all sakes. You & your dd are the important ones here. I know it isn't what you need to hear, but you need to prepare yourself for the fact that your mum may never leave this man. No what you need to hear, I know & I'm sorry. But it does happen.

All the best to you, keep as strong as you can.

sparkly1

Was wondering if you've ever read "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward?. I only ask as there are chapters in there on alcoholic parents and sexual abuse done by parents.

You've gone onto reclaim your own life from these toxic people's damaging legacy.

But how long ago was it Sparkly? It took me more than 20 years to forgive and I NEVER thought I would. It crept up on me when I wasn't looking! For the record I don't think it's at all necessary to forgive someone for you to move on with your life - as pop psychology would have you believe. I was unforgiving for a very long time and got on with my life just fine thanks.

I don't feel so bitter/angry though - it was be very consuming and everything that went wrong in my life somehow led me back to my abuse. I'm glad to have shed that skin.

Tooscaredtotell, it makes no difference what others think of you. I think it takes a lot to forgive, like I said. You did what you felt was right. I know for me forgiveness was never an option. Never. Too much of my childhood was taken away to ever forgive. Maybe that makes me a bad person but it's how I deal with it.

And I cry at everything ... I just blame hormones!

As a child, I can remember wondering if anyone ever suspected it was going on and did nothing. I think one set of parents of my closest friend had their worries and I was always welcome at theirs. That helped me get away at weekends which were the worst time. Back in those days, maybe that was all they felt they could do to help.

I've not read that book but might just to see what it's like. Mine stopped when I was 12 so that's 23 years ago now. But like I said, my memory of it starting at 7 is not one that will ever go away.

In the disliking of my father, I don't forget my mother's role in this. She just let it go when she found out and did nothing. That is on par with the actual abuse if you ask me.

sparkly1,

"Adult Children of Abusive Parents" by Steven Farmer is another publication worth considering(its available on Amazon).

I would fully agree with your second paragraph - your mother was also complicit in the abuse as she did nothing to stop it.

Generally speaking I am wondering if women who stay with such sexually abusive men towards children have been abused themselves physically and/or emotionally when young and therefore associate abuse with love. Its their mindset that has been messed with. They are certainly weak and let the man the abuser have all the power and control. Its certainly no excuse for their behaviour at all but the above may have some bearing in why such women behave like this.

I've often thought of that with my mum but I don't think that was the case unless it was caused by someone other than her parents. My grandparents were the most wonderful people on the planet. I'm also sure if she had that as an excuse she would have made full use of it when I was older. Part of the reason when I got to be in my early 20's and said nothing was to protect my mother's father (her mother had passed away around that same time).

It's the whole cover up mentality though, isn't it? From a young age you're told not to tell anyone. I don't remember being threatened physically if I did tell, but the psychological pressure not to do it was always there. It's shameful, dirty and you know it's wrong but you were a child.

agree sparkly1 - not telling to "protect" people just ends up with more problems IME

Freckly,sparkly and Evesmama and anyone else who ive not mentioned it really saddens me to hear of this.

My DH told me for the first time last week that he was sexually abused by his uncle over a few months and it started when he was 7.

He has told his dad but doesnt think that his dad will now say anything or do anything and he knows its up to him.
I want him to press charges as DH thinks his uncle was abusing his own children and possibly another cousin but he is reluctant to press charges so i dont know what is going to happen.

As a partner of someone that was abused as a child i feel so so angry that i cant do anything, i want to go and knock on his uncles door and smack him one but i cant do that as DH doesnt want me to go near him.

You are all so so brave and im sending you lots of cyberhugs

freckly I have a similair situation that came out when my ds was born. Cant go into details now as am already over stressed but wanted to send my love and say CAT me for some support hun I know what you are going through.

delicate matter if you think a child is being abused please phone the NSPCC (if you feel able to).
Freckly it is a very hardf situation and others have given you good advice stay strong and concentrate on your own healing,