Dad sexually abused me as a child & confessed to it, mother is supporting him rather than me, advice needed pls!!

[Freckly]

Was sexually abused from the age of 4 ( maybe b4 that who knows?) frequently until 13 then more sporadically until 17 when it finally stopped. Recently told my mother & brother when I had my DD as obviously don't want my father anywhere near my DD. They believed me straight away & were v supportive until I went to police & then all change with my mother. Since then she's been trying everything to get me to drop it coz she can't live w/o my dad, even despite what he's done. She would rather live with a self confessed paedophile than live by herself! With that attitude I should just cut ties with her completely, how can she condone (sp?) that sort of behaviour from anyone nevermind someone who has abused her own daughter! She's putting everything b4 me & how I'm feeling, her new house, her car, what people will say when they find out, doesn't want to live by herself etc....I feel like I've been kicked in the guts many times over, bad enough that I've had to tell her this awful thing about the man she loves but now based on her attitude I feel like cutting ties with her completely. Problem is I love her dearly & feel devastated that it's come to this. Don't want to lose her but am starting to think that am better off w/o her (based on her current mindset). Should I give her more time for it to register (it's been 5 wks since I told her) or am I wasting my hopes on her? Would appreciate your thoughts and apologies if I don't reply until tomorrow evening.....I have her visiting me until then.

Thx in advance xx

oh sorry. should have made it clearer, Uncles children are now grown up as is DH cousin, sorry about the confusion.

Freckly, poor you. I do think you've done the right thing and your mother should be supporting you. I'd find it very difficult to carry on a relationship with my mother under these circumstances, sorry. Good for you though, you're protecting your daughter and HE is vastly in the wrong but you know this.

How awful for you!I cant offer you any advice but just wanted to let you know that you must be a very strong person to have survived the abuse and that your mom should be supporting you completely.I do hope that she sees reason and absorbs what really happened to you and see's that man for the evil that he is!

I think if she was going to stand up for you, she would have done it by now.
Our parents generation was cut off from old communities, and they didnt have modern ones like Mumsnet, I sometimes think this makes them really selfish, because they dont seem to understand what other people would say about their crap parenting.

You were really brave (and right) to bring it out into the open, sorry for you that your mother doesnt have the same courage.

jeez hun!

i cannot imagine what must be going on in your head right now. you are absoltly right to want your father punished. he has hurt you in such a vile demorilised way and you want to have that recognised.

i dont know whats in your mothers head. it sounds like she is very much under your fathers spell, typical of an abuser to have people who follow blindly.
i would try and steer clear of your motther for a while and give her time to process what she has been told. its probably not really sinking in yet.

but if she refuses to support you then, and i know how hard this will be, you need to make it clear that you will be forced to cut her from yourlife. you cannot allow your father near you or your daughter and if she remains behind him then she will not be welcome either

you are an incredibly brave woman and i send you huge amounts of sympathy.

So sorry you're going through this. I had similiar and my mum, although i think she believed me some years later after bits of dodgy evidence cropped up, tried to persuade me i had imagined the whole thing. I never forgave her and never understood why she took his side. To this day i think she's selfish and resent her for it. I am having counselling at the moment and its not nice at all, but necessary. I love my mum but it breaks my heart that she wouldn't protect me {sad}.

Freckly, just wondering how you are doing today.

Firstly, apologies for not posting any responses over the past couple of days.

Secondly, thank you all so much for taking the time to post your support & thoughts & to those unlucky enough to be in the same boat, for sharing your own personal experiences. It's been a huge help to know I'm not the only one going through something so monumentally huge. I've been going through the motions emotionally over the last couple of days, up, down & all over the place but I have taken great comfort from everyone's replies so thank you so much for that.

Fondant4000, I too am angry & upset that my mother is not what I expected her to be. I always thought of her as a decent person who would always do the right thing by others. I feel so disappointed & let down by her. You know how it feels to discover that this isn’t the case. At the minute, I’m angry with her & how shallow she’s being (worrying about her house, what people will say when it gets out etc instead of being concerned about her child’s welfare…). Maybe her stance will change with time….

Attila, agree that she needs counselling to get through this but I know that she won’t go & seek out the details for herself. I will probably look up suitable help for her & pass on the info but still doubt that she will go to any sessions. I’ve given her numbers of helplines to call to talk but she hasn’t called any of them. Am worried about her but I can only do so much to try to help her. How can you help someone who doesn’t want to help themself? Yes, she wants to maintain the status quo so that she doesn’t have to deal with the horrible truth.

Piffle, I’m really hoping that pursuing this through the court will help me to achieve some sort of resolution for myself (assuming that he is found guilty & gets some sort of prison sentence), that I may get some sort of comfort or resolution from knowing that he has had some sort of punishment (after all I know that he has been living with himself quite happily all these yrs knowing full well what he did to me, not a bother on him!) and that it will help me to get over it somehow & move on. Thanks for your warm wishes.

Thewomanwhothoughtshewasahat, I have told my mother how what my father’s done has affected me, not that she ever asked me but I wanted to try to get it to sink in how serious this is for me. I’ve told her about the nightmares & flashbacks, the anger, hurt & despair I feel. Don’t think any of it is really registering at the moment, her head seems to be elsewhere. Maybe I need to give her more time. Not sure what to think of her anymore, just know that I feel gutted….so sad :(

Expat, I hear you & tbh as a mum myself I completely share your viewpoint, would want to support & protect my dd at all costs. That’s why I find my mother’s reaction so hard to take, can’t understand her. She’s just a weak person , I always knew this but I still expected better than this from her. She acknowledges that she is being selfish but is still carrying on regardless.

Sparkly1, I completely identify with you. I can’t help but feel that given my mum’s reaction to it all that if I’d told her as a child she wouldn’t have done anything to stop it. Everything would’ve stayed the same. She said that she would’ve done something but I don’t believe her….if she doesn’t have it in her to leave him now she certainly wouldn’t with 2 small kids in tow. It sickens me to think about it. I think that if I had told her yrs ago then I too would’ve cut contact with her & my father yrs ago for the same reason. Painful though it is, am starting to realise that I may well end up doing the same sometime over the next couple of yrs if my mother doesn’t change her attitude and that really hurts. I need to come to terms with that possibility in case that needs to happen for my sanity also but am really cut up about that thought.

Tooscaredtotell, I also admire you for being able to forgive your abuser. TBH I really don’t think that I would ever be able to do that.

Ithappenedinourfamilytoo, that is so shocking. I can’t believe that some people can be so selfish & uncaring……why did they have kids if they can’t put them before themselves?! I feel so sad for the kids involved. My mum won’t leave my dad, I knew that even before I told her about the abuse & she’s proven that now. She’s even talking about what things will be like for them both when people find out in the neighbourhood or when he comes out of prison if he gets a custodial sentence, how they’ll have to move house etc…so she’s no intention of leaving him regardless of what he’s done.

Attila, interesting point you raised about some women associating abuse with love. My mother keeps telling me how my dad has always loved me! My response to that is I could’ve lived w/o his kind of love, thanks v much! Twisted pair! Dunno if she was ever subjected to any kind of emotional abuse or not though.

All I do is think about it all at the moment. Guess I’m in a grieving process myself, my mother’s not the person I thought she was, if I’d told her the truth as a child nothing would’ve changed…that’s quite a shocking realisation. A few of you have suggested that I distance myself from her for a bit, I agree. Here's hoping that in time she will prove me wrong & things will get better between us rather then worse.

Hi Freckly, I've been thinking about you a lot over the past week and hoping that you are OK. I've also been thinking about myself a lot too and what I dealt with and rereading my posts. Perhaps "forgiving" isn't quite what I've done - it sort of implied letting him off the hook and I certainly haven't forgotten. Perhaps "understanding" is a better word - I beleive that he was abused himself growing up and I understand the dynamics of the abused/abuse circle better now. Or maybe its more a case of forgiving myself and being at peace with myself. I know its difficult for those who haven't been through it to understand the feelings of guilt, even whilst saying to a counsellor out loud "yes I know it wasn't my fault" I found it difficult to truly believe that. For me the most difficult thing was my inability to stop it earlier, there were no physical threats made so why on earth didn't I say something earlier? I felt complicit for a long time. What has made it much easier for me to reach a sense of equilibrium is that I have dealt with the issues I had (I couldn't say no to men, I delegated contol of my life very easily, I was very compliant) and have a very happy life. My abuser on the other hand is an unhappy unfulfilled person. Perhaps my forgiveness had been enabled by a sense of Cosmic Karma!

I really wish you well, I remember how draining the experience of "coming out" was for me and how all consuming it was. If it helps the nightmares and flashbacks do fade eventually, I can now sleep with my bedroom door open and I don't wake every time a floorboard creaks. Which is just as well, otherwise the cats would be waking me up yowling outside the door all night!

Oh and on a practical note, my friend (who I met through the post abuse counselling) was talked out of taking her grandfather to court (by her mother, who didn't want the neighbours to know ) when she was only 15, always regretted it. And can you believe that her mother subsequently gave him the keys to the house! I know these cases are often difficult to prove so you will have to take the advice of people with more experience, but if he is found guilty, he would be put on the sex offendors register. I don't know about you, but that would have given me a great deal of satisfaction!

I really thought I would never post about my own peronal experience of this again,due to having largely "put it behind me"
This is an on-going problem for me too!!!
I was abused by my father from as early as I can remember until 11. I was also offered to a "friend"
I too only told after the birth of my DD1 and had always dismissed my own memories as "my mind playing tricks on me"
I used to be quietly angry with myself for knowing it really was happening but pretending it wasn't. I also used to feel really guilty for willingly going to my Fathers house without anyones persuasion...I couldn't stop going there even though I knew what he would do!!!!
It felt like no one was making me go so I must have "wanted him to do it"
The fact was I was a really hungry, sad little girl who was always on her own . My Mother was just out all the time (they never got married or lived together). I would get home from school, No-one would be there so I would walk a few streets to my Dads. He had a telly (we didn't) and it felt safer there than at home. I thought the fact that he was always in and that he let me watch telly and bought me Pot Noodles meant he really loved me
All my life I believed I somehow "made him" abuse me.
I have an older half brother who once walked into the bedroom and saw something terrible happening. He ran out!!!!!!!!!
We could never look at each other after that and I never could read his mind about what he felt about what happened that day.
I like many others left home really young, married someone "safe" and tried to have a good clean lifestyle and make myself "better than them" I never returned to my fathers or had a close bond with any of my family.
My first born daughter was extremely poorly and my ex dh and I were advised that she might die and were given bereavement counseling from the beginning of her life. Whilst there I was asked if my family were supportiuve and what my relationship was like with key family members.
This is when I first gave any clue to anyone about the abuse. I let it go though and just believed I had put it all behind me.
Moving on and sorry this is so long
Years later I actually saw him at my daughters school (my daughter survived but had severe disabilities)
He was escorting vulnerable girls with learning disabilities to and from school.
I had no choice but to accept that I had to do something.
I went to the police..they were brilliant as of course this was a historic case having happened 20 years previousely nearly!!
He was by then 63 years old.
He pleaded guilty to nine counts of gross indecency etc and was sentenced to five years. He had that cut to 3 years for his "guilty plea" and then actually served about a year and a half.
In total as well as myself he was charged for abusing 3 other girls and had a previous conviction of sex with an under age girl (in the 1960's
Now on to the bit about my mother. GGGGGGGGGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR[angy] She, despite not living with him or loving him even! chose to refuse to sign her statement. She refused to attend court. Never once offered any sympathy or comfort to me and throughout made out she had been the victim in all this as I was always a "difficult child who didn't let her show me any affection"
The day of the verdict I learned that the time my brother had seen him abusing me ,he ran crying and told Mum ........ She did nothing and he felt he had let me down. His evidence was fantastic.
I have no contact what-so-ever now!!! I have heard so much shit I have and never will have any respect for the woman that slept with him and made me. She was no Mother and never will be!!!!!
She called me "a sad pathetic little fuc*er" the day he went to prison.
Who's sad now.!!!!!!
I love and miss my brother , we do keep in contact but have quite a struggle to steer away from "childhood stuff"
No one can tell you what is best for you and your loved ones. I know that having been through it I am far happier choosing to live without them in my life.
They may not be dead but they certainly are not alive as parents.
I have no guilt at all anymore!!!
Good luck to all who know
Lots of love xxx

Freckly, it was having dd that prompted me to end my relationship with both my parents. I can understand how hard it is. I did just try to forget it had happened and went on with life like those 6 years didn't exist. Eventually though you do have to face it. I don't remember one defining moment where I thought this is it, no more contact it just happened. I didn't tell them that was why, I've just moved thousands of miles away, changed my surname and got on with life. I don't want them to find me. I don't want them knowing how great my life is now. I won't get any comfort out of them seeing I'm doing well. That kind of comeuppance isn't where it is all at for me. Peace for me has come from cutting them out entirely. I'm also a breast cancer survivor and I liken it to that moment they cut the damaging cells out of you. In that moment, your life changes forever. I felt such a huge relief when I realised that I was an adult, I had control and I could to remove them from my life for my own sake. I'm sure my mum takes great delight in telling anyone who will listen that I've cut her off and she's no idea why. She's forever had the "poor me" complex.

Given you're dealing with both the telling and processing (on an adult level), I would suggest counselling to you. I know I'm one to talk given I've never had any but had the resources been offered when I was younger, I would have taken it. I have discussed this in counselling for other problems and, to be fair, it's at the root of other problems I put myself through but I'm quite ok with not dredging this up. I know what happened, I have the memories, I have moved forward and you will, too. It's early days.

Tooscaredtotell, I am in awe of how you articulate your latest post. Moreso, in awe of your ability to even "understand". I think you're a brave woman who has put a lot of thought into all this and come out the other side much stronger. It's so sad we've all been through this and even more sad that these men rarely are charged for what they've done.

Freckly, if you want to talk more please feel free to cat me.