Divorce Financial Settlement

[Twinkie]

What would be realistic - not an actual amount but what does each party usually walk away with - x2b has offered he half of the equity in the house - it works out as quite a bit but I can't understand why he is being so nice about it - I thought he would fight to the death - is it because I am entitled to more then this and he is trying to get me to accept a certain amount - would I get pension entitlements from him and the contents of the house etc. I don't want to take him for everything possible and ruin his life (although I do dream about it!!) but I want what I am entitled to.

I don't know anything about this from experience, but since you now have responsibility for housing DD, shouldn't you get MORE than half? After all, if you were not happpily housed elsewhere at the moment, couldn't you get the house until DD was a certain age???
Surely half of the value of joint contents, any savings that were joint, policies, etc? Have you got a solicitor (MORE BILLS) to help you with the divorce settlement?
Any lump sums that you put into the house, any deposit you put in, any work that YOU carried out to improve it's value, joint car?

You could get more as you are housing two people, not just one. Plus half pension, half savings all sorts. As part of your divorce he will have to declare all his earnings, savings, etc etc so a settlement can be made.

If you can, get a settlement without going to the courts. You could get a solicitor's advice, but they'll normally tell you to go for as much as you can - they benefit the more conflict there is between you and your ex - they get fees as long as you are still arguing.

And guess who suffers if this conflict is stoked? Your kids. The most damaging thing in separation for children is conflict between their parents. The longer this conflict is sustained, the worse it is for the children.

My advice? Reach an agreement that you and your ex partner are both comfortable with and draw a line under it. If you can emerge from it both reasonably happy with the arrangements, then you'll be dong your children a massive favour.

Message withdrawn

Tom, in a prefect world I would agree with you. Unfortunately Twinkies x has already proved himself violent, deliberately denying her access to any of their joint assets, including their daughter, so she is going to have to fight, just to get a FAIR settlement. No-one is advocating that she use this as a 'punishment' or vengeance on him.

I wasn't aware of the background - sorry, although it's a little confusing - Twinkie wrote that her ex has offered her half of the equity in the house, so I assumed he was trying to reach a settlement.

Tom I am not going to turn this into a mothers V fathers thing but I think you need to understand that he will do everything in his power to keep as much as possible pretending to be incredibly nice - he is not thinking of his child (has not been for the last 14 months keeping me and her apart to her detriment) - I am not trying to fight to get as much as I can to hurt him but just to ensure that if things go wrong with DP I am adequately secure to be able to house us both.

I actually hate him and his moralistic spoutings of 'we need to be amicable now' after what he has put me through for the last year or so but I am amicable about things as much as I can be and I do realise that he needs enough to house himself and have a live so to speak - I am sure he would be being less than amicable if I did not have custody of our DD. Oh and after your posting on the thread about fathers who murder their wives and children I just have to say that he was violent, controlling and an alcoholic - the judge specifically said that he did not give custody to women on the basis that they were women - in his eyes that was outdated and could be of detriment to the child.

Thanks for your advice though and that of everybody else - I will consult my solicitor about it and see what she says.

But keep posting if any of you have been through this - it would be of great help. XXX

Well, as I said, I didn't know the background. I'll get me coat.

Leave your coat where it is - I am just not an advocate for being terrible amicable after what I have been through - I won't stop DD seeing him and will be as nice as pie (not our pie of course although she is lovely) in front of her but he is trying to shaft me - there was no talk of contents (I was throown out with my clothes and a quilt!!), our endowment - it will mature to pay off his bit of the mortgage and he never mentioned his pension or the fact that I am the one housing DD (although I don't begrudge this but it is his responsibility too).

I am not having a go at you Tom just think he is a complete snake and is doing a lot of wriggling!!

Can I agree with Tom's comment about avoiding solicitors if at all possible?
Just because you hate him does not mean you need a solicior.

solicitor.

Twinkie doesn't need a solicitor because she hates him (I'm sure she can do that unaided) but because he is playing a game of 'being nice' (after a year of insulting her and shouting abuse in front of DD) designed to trick her out of reasonable entitlement.

best thing you can do is go to mediation. It worked for me wonderfully. I was in a similar volatile situtation, my ex was trying hard to convince me he was doing things for my good but I realised quickly he wasnt and was playing on my ignorance. A good lawyer is a must too but there are hard to come by and/or expensive.
In mediation you will feel safer and if he tries to pull wool over your eyes the mediator will soon realise that. Thats what happened at the end for my ex and it was cringing! Good luck

Problem with mediation is that both parties have to be willing to compromise, it is expensive and, if it doesn't work out, you still have to pay the lawyers to sort things. If x2b is being conniving, mediation probably isn't the way to go because he has no real desire to reach a reasonable settlement, just get as much as he can.

As a starting point, you could go back with a counter-offer for 3/4 of everything, including pensions, endowments, etc., with a view to agreeing to a 2/3 split at the end.

Twinkie, my experience taught me one thing. If the mum has the kids living with her, she is entitled to whatever ensures that the have the same standard of living they had when you two were together. If I were you I'd tell him to shove his offer and get your solicitor to write to him asap. Your solicitor will get him to declare everything he has and then will get you the fairest deal they can. In my case this meant that I lost everything. I'm not that bothered cos the money side wasn't as important as starting again. The reason he's being nice is that he knows that if you play hardball he will be nailed to the floor.
My advice, as a dad, is to play hardball through a solicitor. You'll get what you and your kids deserve and not what your ex2b THINKS you deserve.

Twinkie, I have been through a divorce so I know what I am talking about!! It is always a good idea to keep lines of communication open and discuss matters with your ex. HOWEVER there is no substitute for legal advice. You do need to run things through your solicitor and remember you only get one shot at this. The settlement will affect the lifestyle that you and your child will have in the future and it is inevitable that there will be some unpleasantness whilst this is being sorted out. Obviously I know nothing about your financial situation or circumstances. But I would say that half the equity is probably not enough. The courts do not split everything down the middle contrary to popular belief. The main thing is that you and your child are adequately housed and that you have enough money coming in to feed/clothe yourselves etc. In most situations this involves the man going to live in smaller accommodation whilst the mother goes to live in, say, a two bed flat - which will obviously cost more. In your situation I would listen to what your dh says and say you will need to think things over before agreeing to anything. Don't get short changed over this - as I said this is a one shot deal. Please post again if you want to chat further.

Twinkie, having just done this too, as far as I understand it if you had to go to court with an FDR (financial dispute resolution) the priority of the court would be to ensure that the children are housed adequately and in a standard (finances permitting) not too far from their current circumstances.
So, if half the equity in the house is enough for you and your children to find suitable alternative accommodation - then it is a reasonable deal.
My ex-H is getting about 65% of his half of the equity up front & the balance when youngest finishes full-time education or on the occasion of my re-marrying.
Each case differs - have you taken any legal advice? Very good book to get is the Which Guide to Divorce.

After my last comment about mediation, I felt compelled to write again because I am now in a situation where after countless counselling and mediation sessions, it looks like I will end up in court. My ex and I agreed to lots of things in mediation but he has now changed his mind and many things. He is haggling over 5% of school fee shares when he is making almost twice my salary...Etc..etc.. And I am not even asking for maintenance as I am making a decent living at the moment, but he wont even accept a 'nominal' maintenance in case things go wrong for me in the future..He plays mr nice too in front of mediators and friends but he submmitted me to years of lying bullying and cheating and I now know the real him. So my views have changed and I would say: get a good solicitor and be tough. good luck

fanta, was in similar situation to you. Had to do an FDR (financial dispute resolution) in the end to resolve issues and get the bl**dy divorce rubber stamped.
FDR is actually quite a speedy and cost efficient process - I wish we'd gone straight for it in the first place.

Hi Bugsy2, how long did it take you then?
I think I tried very hard to be conciliatory for the sake of our little one - the more I was ready to compromise, the more my ex was trying to rip me off. Mad really.

Got the FDR process rolling in about September and got the Absolute through YESTERDAY!!!!!! I am a divorcee.
Could have actually gone much quicker but ex-H was abroad alot & because I'm self-employed my accounts took a while to sort out.
It is very straightforward, no bullsh*tting about - full disclosure of financial affairs, offers on the table & if you don't agree the judge will offer his opinion (and unless you are really, really determined to drag it out to the bitterest of ends - you accept the judge's opinion. Or in my case Mr Meanie ex-H accepted the judges opinion!)

Is the wife automatically entitled to half the pension? My ex to be has offered 50% of equity in the house and 15% of his pension as in the words of his solicitor "his pension is not substantial". I would say that nearly £24,000 is pretty substantial wouldn't you. Off to court tomorrow to start the finance hearings, hopefully he will co-operate, but not holding out much luck!

No, you are not autonmatically entitled to any of his pension. If you had been married for a very long time, then it may be taken into consideration but if you are going for a "clean break" divorce then you are lucky to get pension entitlement. (As far as I understand it!)