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Original poster

Help should i go to my daughters wedding when she want her dad who is a peadophile to give her away

67 replies

debs1968 · 20/06/2013 08:38

Please help i am in total tormoil my daughter is now engaged to a lovely man but she want her real dad to give her away so whats the problem he sexually abused my eldest daughter for 17 years. when i found out i was totally distraught not knowing but living in the same house as this thing so threw him out and my daughter reported him and he got 7 years dont think it was enough but thats the law.
Everything was going well until my youngest daughter who is now 22yrs decided she wanted to see him she went blind at the age of 18 and is still coming to terms with it. against my advice she went to see him and now he is the best thing since sliced bread. but now she has told me that he is giving her away on her wedding day and i have to decide if i want to go or not she will not change her mind whats she says goes.
What do i do not only that but there will be lots of children at the wedding i know it sounds silly but need some advice please help.

OP posts:
DowntonTrout · 20/06/2013 08:43

Oh dear. I don't know what to say but I didn't want to read and run.

I think you probably should go but I understand how hard this will be for you ( and this comes from someone who didn't go to her own daughters wedding- but for very different reasons)

Can you be there, but just keep away from him? You would not be sat near him anyway. Does your DD understand what went on and why you feel uncomfortable?

JessicaBeatriceFletcher · 20/06/2013 09:01

What does your eldest daughter, the one that he abused have to say about this? Presumably she isn't going?

lisianthus · 20/06/2013 09:02

That's dreadful. I wouldnt go. i would be worried that by going, you are giving your older DD the message that you are willing to forget what he did to her for the sake of a social occasion. It must be tremendously hurtful to her that her sister is doing this- it must be like a statement that her own sister doesn't believe her.

MrsHoarder · 20/06/2013 09:05

I would say go, because you don't want him to be able to say that he is more of a parent because he was there for her wedding day. But talk about it with your older DD first if possible and avoid the man as much as possible.

seagull61 · 20/06/2013 09:07

its really her choice and her day. not yours. don't ruin it for her. if you cant go and behave well, don't go.

Moominsarehippos · 20/06/2013 09:09

She knows about the abuse though? Will your other daughter go too or boycott? I'm assuming other members of the family know the background too.

Someone will get drunk and take a pop at him. He must realise this.

ditavonteesed · 20/06/2013 09:12

you cant go, this would send your eldest dd the message that her little sisters wedding (and lfe) are more important than what he has been through, you have to discuss it with them both, how does your eldest feel about it and has your youngest discussed it with her?

JessicaBeatriceFletcher · 20/06/2013 09:13

I would still like to know what your eldest daughter is doing OP?

Personally, there is absolutely no way I could go. I couldn't be in the same room as a man who abused my child. And I agree with your earlier poster who said it would come across as willing to forget the most awful crime for the sake of a social occasion. Having to choose between your children is awful, but I'm afraid I would have to go with the abused one.

Guerrillacrochet · 20/06/2013 09:16

I also didn't want to read and run. I am so sorry that you're in this position. Is your eldest DD going? I am guessing not. I suppose in your situation I would not be able to go. I just couldn't bear all the happy family photos and also as you say having lots of children there. Maybe if that's what you decide you could talk to your daughter and her fiancee and explain that although you love them and are so happy they are getting married you cannot be there in the same place as her dad. If, on the other hand, you decide to go then it is important to have a discussion with your eldest dd explaining that although you are going it is in no way a concession to him, it is purely for your other dd. Your actions speak louder than words- the fact you kicked him out and have stood by your eldest shows you believe her.
But you know what? Nothing like a wedding or funeral to kick-off old rows, so if you go you'll have to be prepared to keep schtum if there is any provocation from his side, or risk being someone that 'ruined the big day'. Not that you would, of course, but if your dd is viewing her father as a mistreated party she could see it that way.
I really feel for you here, what a crap situation.

Boomba · 20/06/2013 09:17

dont go

what lisianthus said. I hink its more important to continue to show your support and loyalty to your dd who was abused

That he agreed to give her away, shows what a selfish evil thing he is. He knows exactly the distress this is causing for you and your older dd

I also think there is a responsibility to inform the parents of any children who are invited to the wedding, that he is a convisted paedophile

LineRunner · 20/06/2013 09:21

Your younger daughter appears to be making a very poor decision, on the face of it, and I wouldn't go.

What's her fiancé like? Does he not have a view on this?

peggotty · 20/06/2013 09:22

Wow. Does your dd know that her father abused her sister? I can't believe she could want contact with someone who did that. Your other dd must be so upset about this. I just can't understand why your dd wants contact with this man (and I speak as someone whose family has been deeply affected by sexual abuse).

Leithlurker · 20/06/2013 09:30

Not going, youngest DD gets the distinct impression she matters less than older DD, further emotional and family strife.

Why should the groom have a view it's not his family, if he said one thing or the other it would be seen as interfering.

Youngest DD has a right to choose who she has a relationship with, all those say "how could she" have no idea if she has spoken to him about the past or indeed what their relationship is like, lets stop the moralising on her choices please.

Guerrillacrochet · 20/06/2013 09:30

If the youngest DD wasn't abused herself I fear it would be all too easy for this bastard to poison her mind and make out that he has either changed or that things weren't as bad as your eldest dd made out.
The idea of him being there doing the proud parent bit makes me feel sick.

seagull61 · 20/06/2013 09:34

frankly, I find it difficult to believe a daughter would have a relationship with such a father. maybe mothers account is untrue and/or exaggerated as just does not seem credible? sadly, such lies are told by vindicative exs...

Guerrillacrochet · 20/06/2013 09:35

Sorry Leith I disagree. I think the groom should be able to voice an opinion as it is his wedding too! And he may not feel comfortable about the whole thing either.
I can see that the youngest dd may have a separate relationship with her father (although I couldn't personally if someone had been convicted of abusing my sister), but that doesn't mean the eldest DD and the OP should have to forget all about it. If the OP does this then kudos to her- she has more social grace than I would.

Boomba · 20/06/2013 09:37

leith I think we can moralise on her choice

It is not OK to invite children to a wedding and a convicted paedophile

No, no, no, no, no

Guerrillacrochet · 20/06/2013 09:37

seagull prison for 7 years? Seems fairly credible to me.

seagull61 · 20/06/2013 09:38

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Boomba · 20/06/2013 09:38

not kudos...that wouldnt be 'social grace'. It would be insanity

MultumInParvo · 20/06/2013 09:40

I agree with boomba

tiktok · 20/06/2013 09:41

Very likely he will have been released from prison on license and that conditions that he does not go near children will apply. Check this out with the police. If other members of the family know the background, they will not want their kids there....and if they don't know the background they should be told. They might not want to be there themselves in fact.

Seabright · 20/06/2013 09:42

Your younger DD does have the right to choose, but you have the right to be sure that the other guests, especially tose with children, can make an informed choice about going.

Personally, I would not go and I would ensure the grooms family and other guests know that her father is a pedophile, so that can choose too. It isn't fair to allow others to be socialisation with him, especially with children, if they don't know the risk.

Also, is he on any licence conditions? If so, do they allow him to be present at a gathering with children present?

Miggsie · 20/06/2013 09:42

Sadly, if your ex is an abuser he will be very very good at manipulating people. His befriending of his other daughter shows this - and he does know this will split the family down the middle and he is probably enjoying that. Abusers love power. I suspect if you don't go he will use it as ammunition to persuade your daughter to stop seeing you or her sister in the future. If you do go, it will be hell for you as he will lord it over you.

I assume a lot of people at he wedding know your ex went to jail and what he went to jail for?
It is likely you are not the only one who won't want to be near him.

Out of respect to your abused daughter you must not go.
I assume you have told your other daughter about how manipulative abusers are? she needs to understand she is being used.
The likelihood is she won't see reason so all you can do is not go and explain very clearly to EVERYONE, including the groom and his family why you are not going. I am sure you won't end up being the only ones who don't go, I can't see anyone with kids wanting to be anywhere near him.

Abusers do not change so it is likely if your daughter had children they would also be at risk from this man. She does need to understand this - I suggest as a bare minimum you get a copy of "why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft so she can understand the psychology, thought patterns and behaviours of abusive men...

Guerrillacrochet · 20/06/2013 09:45

boomba see what you're saying. I just think the OP has been put in a horrible situation where she's damned either way. Morally I couldn't go, but her post says her youngest daughter has had her own set of problems (I'm assuming she meant that she went literally blind a few years ago rather than blind to the abuse). She is obviously torn. If she goes then it will involve smiling and pretending to be happy, and that's what I meant. Because I don't have that level of restraint.