Help should i go to my daughters wedding when she want her dad who is a peadophile to give her away

[debs1968]

Please help i am in total tormoil my daughter is now engaged to a lovely man but she want her real dad to give her away so whats the problem he sexually abused my eldest daughter for 17 years. when i found out i was totally distraught not knowing but living in the same house as this thing so threw him out and my daughter reported him and he got 7 years dont think it was enough but thats the law.
Everything was going well until my youngest daughter who is now 22yrs decided she wanted to see him she went blind at the age of 18 and is still coming to terms with it. against my advice she went to see him and now he is the best thing since sliced bread. but now she has told me that he is giving her away on her wedding day and i have to decide if i want to go or not she will not change her mind whats she says goes.
What do i do not only that but there will be lots of children at the wedding i know it sounds silly but need some advice please help.

When only one in the family has been sexually abused it can be hard for the non-abused members of the family to believe that it actually happened. Sometimes the abused child is actually called a liar and cut off from the family and the abusers are themselves extremely accomplished liars.

You should definitely not go. Sometimes a moral stand has to be taken and this is one of those times. If you go you send a very conflicting message to both daughters. The abused daughter gets the message that you're prepared to forget an awful wrong for the sake of a quiet life, and your other daughter gets the message that things can be normal with her father around and she can play happy families and conveniently drop the past.

By the way, I assume your second daughter wants to have children one day? Will she be happy to have her father around them too. This is another reason for your not going: that you will not support her having a potential paedophile around any potential grandchildren.

You have to start as you mean to carry on. It will be hard for you, but doing the right thing is sometimes hard and there will be consequences either way.

You can't go.
Weddings do not get to trump the years of horror elder dd suffered. Younger dd needs to do some serious growing up. How does younger dd's fiancé feel about all this btw?

guerilla I agree that it is a horrible situation
I think it is a very straight forward situation though. There is no dilemma over what is the correct thing to do

This must be so difficult for you, I wouldn't go, firstly because I'd fine it hard not to scratch his eyes out, secondly out of respect to your oldest daughter.

I hope this doesn't cause too much strife (I have a horrible feeling he's doing this to create issues).

I know it must be hard but I wouldn't go, I couldn't be in the same room as someone who did that to one of my children.

And if I was a guest at a wedding I would want to know that a convicted paedophile was going to be there as if nothing else I wouldn't let my kids go to the toilet by themselves etc.

I know you are in an awkward position and only you can decide, but I personally wouldn't go and no one would blame you.

What a kick in the teeth that she wants a peadophile dad who has been in jail a third of her life to play a big role in her wedding, over wanting you there (who I'm guessing brought her up) and her sisters feelings.

She is one insensitive and selfish person. Maybe write her and her husband to be a letter spelling it out. No doubt you love her, but if I was you it would be unthinkable to go, out of respect for your other daughter at least. Also I think she needs to tell the other guests a convicted peadophile will be attending. I wonder what they will think.

Interesting first post. Paedophile father. Blind daughter.

OP - I think you need to boycott this and make it clear to your DD (bride) why!

Continue to be a source of unwavering support to your DD who was the victim of this man.

I am absolutely disgusted by the troll hunting on this thread.

Your poor daughters - both of them.

Your youngest is making a very poor choice, and maybe some day she will recognise it. But for now, she is hanging on to the illusion of "good daddy", because that is what she feels she needs. Possibly this is linked to her recent handicap: it must be hard to adjust to going blind, and you say she is still dealing with it. Pretending to herself that her father is great and is there for her is probably a coping mechanism for her; a way to create stability when her life is in turmoil.

Let her make her choice, she has her own reasons. But make your own. And my advice would be to stay away: you cannot honestly be in the same room as the man who abused your child, and participate in the fiction that it's all ok. Which is what your daughter and other wedding guests will be doing. You don't need to be one of them jut out of social pressure. Follow your gut.

It would be helpful if the OP returned with an update and further information eg about license conditions and intentions to inform the other guests.

I think some posters are being a bit hard on your younger DD here. Let's not forget, that despite her not begin sexually abused by this man, she will also be a victim of his abuse.

She will have seen her family torn apart while she was still young, is likely to have her own trouble coming to terms with it, and by the sounds of it is being manipulated and emotionally abused right now by her father. She is also going through a tough time herself.

OP - I don't think it is a black and white as going or not. I think you need to think more practically here. Do as someone suggested and seek advice from police/ probation as to whether your EX is allowed to attend an event where children are. Talk to your daughter and her fiance - try to explain in a calm way why you are uncomfortable about this, and ensure her fiance is well aware too. Speak to your elder DD about this too. Make sure she knows how you feel. Perhaps there is a way out of this without you having to boycott her wedding.

However, if it does come to it, I personally would be inclined not to go. But to be very careful to ensure your daughter (the bride) understands and still feels loved and cared for by you.

The way I look at it is even if I suspect the OP may not be who they say they are, hopefully someone might read it who could genuinely get some advice from it. If its helps someone then at least some good would come out of it!

I don't like trolls (not necessarily saying this one is) but you have to play them at their own game rather than give them bait.

I think it entirely depends on the older DD and her relationship, if any, with her father.

We had a not-dissimilar situation in my family where one of my siblings was sexually abused by my Dad. When it eventually came out, Mum chucked him out they divorced, etc. He was never tried or convicted though.

However we have all taken our lead from the abused sibling and when they decided to tentatively restart a civil relationship with him some years later the rest of us followed.

So, he was invited to my wedding. I didn't ask him to give me away - I wouldn't have anyway for feminist reasons but in any case I would consider it seriously disrespectful to my sibling.

I didn't think he was a risk to the (few) children there, but in any case all of our close friends and family know about the history there.

vinegar WHAT??? That is the worst advice I have ever heard!

What advice? I didn't give the OP advice, I just gave our family's story.

Some adults do choose, generally after a long period of counselling etc, to have some kind of relationship with parents who were abusive to them in some way.
It may not be what you would do, but who are you to say that is wrong?

Name changed because I find this incredibly difficult to talk about.

My father sexually abused me for many years. He only stopped when my parents divorced and he only had minimal contact because he had a new life with a new partner (fortunately, no children were involved). At 16, I cut him out of my life. After many years of intensive therapy, I made the decision that I wanted a father in my life as an adult, on my terms. He did give me away at my wedding. We now have an adult relationship that is sometimes difficult but I am trying to move on. I won't ever forgive him nor will I get back those years that were stolen from me but I can form an adult relationship with him where I am physically and emotionally safe. My children are not allowed anywhere near him and never will be, when they are older, they will be told why. Please don't judge me for the decisions I have made.

TooDifficult - incredibly brave post, and decision. Very eloquently explained.

FWIW my Dad is allowed to see DS but never allowed to be alone with him. Tbf to him he would never ask to be.

Other guests will know his history surely? Hard to imagine how they will react. A good kicking? Does bride really want that? Feel for you.

I think you need to prepare your DD for the fact that many people may refuse the invitation once they realise that her dad will be there. That is the strength of feeling people have about men like him, sadly I dont think she will realise just how inappropriate this is until the day she has her own child.

What's it got to do with the groom?

His future children, I would have thought.

Damned if you do, damned if you don't. Really hard to know what to do.

The best idea I can suggest is can you go to the ceremony, sit at the back to watch your DD get married and then leave?

Sitting at a top table as mother of the bride with this thing at the same table as father of the bride would be more than I could stomach and I wouldn't do that part.

That is the only compromise I would make. Any push or hint I am in the wrong and and I would not be going to any of it.

I would also explain to the other DD that this is all I am doing and why.

As others have asked, is this convicted paedophile even allowed to be around children at a social occasion?

Does the groom realise his wife will want a convicted paedo around their kids? Because there'd be no wedding if I were him.

Some of these posts from survivors of abuse are surprising. I think they show that there isn't a 'right' solution to this, despite the natural instinct to remove the paedophile from family life for good.

If I were the OP I would take my lead from the DD who was abused. If she was adamant about no contact, I would gently explain to my younger DD that while I understood her desire to have her dad there at the wedding, I would have to support my elder DD because her need to not have her abuse swept under the carpet was greater that younger DDs desire to have both parents at her wedding.