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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Help should i go to my daughters wedding when she want her dad who is a peadophile to give her away

67 replies

debs1968 · 20/06/2013 08:38

Please help i am in total tormoil my daughter is now engaged to a lovely man but she want her real dad to give her away so whats the problem he sexually abused my eldest daughter for 17 years. when i found out i was totally distraught not knowing but living in the same house as this thing so threw him out and my daughter reported him and he got 7 years dont think it was enough but thats the law.
Everything was going well until my youngest daughter who is now 22yrs decided she wanted to see him she went blind at the age of 18 and is still coming to terms with it. against my advice she went to see him and now he is the best thing since sliced bread. but now she has told me that he is giving her away on her wedding day and i have to decide if i want to go or not she will not change her mind whats she says goes.
What do i do not only that but there will be lots of children at the wedding i know it sounds silly but need some advice please help.

OP posts:
KeepCoolCalmAndCollected · 20/06/2013 18:50

Agree entirely with Dahlen
Presumably your eldest daughter won't be going?

HerrenaHarridan · 20/06/2013 19:03

Sorry op couldn't bring myself to read all this thread but needed to tell you this is just about the only reason it is acceptable to boycott your dds wedding.

ChippingInWiredOnCoffee · 20/06/2013 19:08

TooDifficult2Say :( I don't understand why you would want a relationship with him, but I certainly don't think it's for anyone to judge you or your decisions x

OP - I'd be going when hell froze over - it would then appear that you have forgiven him for abusing your elder DD and aside from that, it would not end well if I had to be in the same room as him. Your youngest DD has made this (bad) choice and if she would rather have her father there than you, that's something she will have to live with - very disappointing for you. What is her relationship like with her sister? How does the Groom feel about him being there with the children of his family & friends? Someone has to tell the other guests - it's the only decent thing to do.

honey86 · 20/06/2013 19:33

woah back up here! if it was a lie he wouldnt have been imprisoned. you need hard evidence for cases like that. i cant believe anyone would make excuses for a convicted paedophile!

actually it might be hard for her but theres no way he should be allowed near any children. either he should stay away or all kids to not attend. would ppl allow ian huntley to go to a wedding with children present? no.
safeguard the children ffs Confused

BMW6 · 20/06/2013 20:12

I wonder why the OP hasn't come back.............

JacqueslePeacock · 20/06/2013 20:15

I agree completely with tiktok. Can you find out if he's even allowed to be near children? And I would make sure everyone else attending with kids knew about it well in advance.

tungthai · 20/06/2013 21:02

Whatever you decide will be the right decision. I don't think anyone can advise you on this. Do what you think is the right thing to do.

ZZZenagain · 20/06/2013 21:06

does she have a good relationship with her elder sister and has she been invited to the wedding?

tiktok · 21/06/2013 10:25

The OP is not gonna come back, is she?

Shame.

tungthai - what a bizarre thing to say....whatever she decides to do will be the right thing? Ridiculous.

Maryz · 21/06/2013 10:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tungthai · 21/06/2013 23:17

Why is it a ridiculous thing to say tiktiok?

It is an awful dilemma that none of would want to face. We can't advise the OP because there are no right and wrongs. The OP has to do what she feels is right at the time and nobody should judge her on that decision.

Also did you mean to sound so rude???

jessjessjess · 23/06/2013 08:45

Another survivor of abuse here. I think it's easy to judge when you aren't the one being asked to reject your parent. Children love their parents unconditionally - they are programmed to in order to survive. Turning 18 or 21 or 25 doesn't magically break the bonds of attachment.

My parents were both abusive in different ways. I think I hate them, but I still spent years trying to maintain a relationship because they're my parents and I haven't got other ones. I have gone no-contact and hardly hear from them. I should be relieved that they've made it so easy but I just feel rejected. I think I keep waiting for them to turn into the people they should have been but aren't.

In situations where abuse is involved, it's tempting to assume stupidity is to blame - isn't it stupid that this person ignored abuse or that person still wants to see their father. It's something much older and deeper than stupidity at work.

This girl wants a father. This is the father she's got. And she's blind to what he's like either because abusers are very good at charming, manipulating and grooming people, or because she has swallowed some of the victim-blaming lies our society tells, or she has swallowed the stereotype of what an abuse victim 'should' act like, or she just doesn't want to accept the reality of the situation.

It is very common for people to react with denial - even in the face of clear evidence. Sexual abuse destroys the beliefs people would like to have about the world. Who wants to live in a world where that is possible and the victim doesn't speak up? Who wants to live in a world where nobody could notice? Chances are this girl doesn't believe her sister. Because she doesn't want to. This sort of thing works out well for everyone except the victims of abuse.

OP, do not go. You have to make a choice here. Your daughter made the wrong one, don't follow suit.

thepixiefrog · 23/06/2013 13:16

Fantastic post jess, you have articulated beautifully what I was struggling to put into words.

MatersMate · 23/06/2013 13:28

tungtai of course we should advise, that's why the op started the thread!

I too would not go Op it's very sad for you, but nowhere near as sad as your eldest would feel if you did.

Please come back and clarify some of the points made 're license, guests with kids etc.

MatersMate · 23/06/2013 13:29

And yes jess it's sad but very true.

mongolianomad · 23/06/2013 14:19

I have issues round coping with seeing my ex at my dd's wedding. The circumstances of mine are in a thread I started yesterday. While what my ex did was dreadful, it is not in the same league as yours. I am going to my dd's wedding as hard as it is but in your situation I really couldn't go OP. I struggle with my dd inviting her father but he did get punished for what he did which makes it somewhat easier for me. I honestly think you should do what you feel is best for you and your eldest daughter.

tiktok · 23/06/2013 16:38

Sorry for being rude, tungthai, but yes, I did mean to be forceful.

I do think there is nothing more to say about the situation, as the OP has not returned.

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