Is anyone else with a stiff-upper-lip type who doesn't like talking about feelings?

[thequeenmary]

My OH finds it very hard to talk about anything to do with emotions or feelings, and doesn't like to express affection verbally. We have been together 9 months and he has never said 'I love you' or anything else remotely soppy. We had a discussion about it and he said that he has very strong feelings for me, but he doesn't think 'I love you' really covers it, and thinks because people can say it without meaning it then it can be a sort of meaningless phrase. I know this sounds a bit Prince Charles - 'whatever love means' and all that!

Despite this, he is actually very romantic and caring and makes big effort for special occasions and treats me very well day-to-day, in fact I cannot fault him on that.

I think he expresses affection by doing practical things rather than by saying it. He will go to great practical lengths to do something for me, even if it is inconvenient. He is also very supportive when it matters, for example when I've been ill or stressed he will always be sure to find out how I am every day and do anything to help if he can.

The problem is I am starting to find that I would really like him to actually articulate his feelings. He often compliments me, but never says anything more meaningful. It would mean a lot to me if he would tell me that he missed me when we were apart or something. We spoke about this and he said that he thought his feelings for me were obvious from his actions and that romantic talk makes him feel embarrassed. I do understand this from his pov. He is from quite a traditional family and education background and I think this may be part of it.

I don't want to needle him into saying words just to please me, and I know it's true that men can say nice things and still treat you badly. Mine treats me wonderfully but doesn't do the chat! I am very grateful for all his good qualities but is there any way to persuade him to open up a bit?

Just wondering if anyone has a similar partner and has been able to get them to be a bit more verbally affectionate.

Most threads are a version of 'he says he loves me but acts like a pig towards me' and people will sometimes respond with a version of 'actions speak louder than words'.

Dunno. You obviously use different 'language' to express your feelings. I'm not sure what the solution is. some people just find it very difficult to say I love you etc.

Every time he does something lovely for you try saying 'I love you too!' and give him a kiss.

I have no idea how that might help.

Your op could have been written by me! Df is lovely and i think wants to be romantic but grww up in a house where showing feelings wasn't tolerated - even now his mum laughs at people expressing emotion :( i'd die happy to get a hug, kiss and an i love you off him but accept he is a great partner, keeps us in a good house, out if debt, is a good father and although not as often as i'd like he does make me smile and laugh.

I have to force i love you's out and it's usually ''yeah ok i love you - wanna have sex?'' To cover his embarrassment!

Waffly, that's what I've been thinking - that we just communicate affection in different ways. I guess part of the reason for posting was just to check that I wasn't being naive to assume he liked/loved me judging from actions.

The problem with ME saying I love you is now that because he doesn't say it I would feel like a twat to say it and (potentially) get no response. I feel that generally I am holding back from getting further emotionally attached because the lack of words from him is making me feel insecure.

Perhaps I should just come straight out and tell him that it would really make me happy if he would try to say what he's feeling. But then I don't want to pressure him into behaving in a way he's not comfortable with.

x-post Superman - my OH is physically affectionate and tactile, happy to kiss and hug, but still keeps up his Tough Man act when doing so. E.g. he would never snuggle up to me, but likes me to put my head on his chest. That way he is still The Man.

How long have you been together? Has he managed to say stuff to exes?

Also see my second post. Always say 'I love you too'.

He has specifically said that he feels it but can't say it but does act it. I guess you have to go with that.

My partner is quite similar but more open than yours. H has said that saying I love you can be devalued by doing it too often. So we end up where I say it to him and he says nothing, or something else. However I couldn't care less. He is otherwise a wonderful partner and at times he has said it to me, when it has been right for him.

I don't think you should feel bad for being your way, nor make him feel bad for his way. Over time he may articulate more. Get him away from his mother and more at peace and feeling loved with you.

It's been about 9 months. He said that in past relationships (one in particular) he has felt v pressurised about saying it and it has put him off and made him feel it is meaningless.

I guess I just need to change this mindset I have about 'if he doesn't say it, he isn't feeling it' and just trust that he is feeling it. But it feels a bit risky!

9 months together, I mean.

something, that is good to hear. I guess I should be more patient.

I saw your thread title and couldn't face answering it. it struck a coldness to my heart.

I married a public school type and he was of the stiff upper lip variety. Turns out he had an awful lot to say - silently.

He also liked me to put my head on his chest.

Sorry, bad experience for me. I'd die inside a little more each day if I had a relationship with someone like that again.

As for you should be more 'patient' - iiwy I'd consider what it'll be like if he's still like it 10, 20 years down the line. If you can feel your heart shrivelling then I think you need to consider whether you can keep going with this. He may be attentive etc etc but dear me you can die a slow and painful death with someone like this.

Dire warnings lol.

ok, I'll say it - witholding can be a form of control. He doesn't seem bothered that it bothers you.

springy - oh dear! Dire indeed. What you say is what I'm worried about - I suppose my main fear is that I'm believing there are hidden depths but in fact there is fuck all.

I have only expressed that it bothers me in one conversation, and I massively played it down because I didn't want to seem soppy (I can be a stiff-upper-lip type sometimes too). It's not like I was upset and he wasn't bothered...

You can't "get him" to act in any way that he finds uncomfortable, because that would be very unfair. I appreciate it must be unsettling for you if you are used to big verbal displays of love, but you say that he often compliments you; treats you wonderfully; is supportive; and goes out of his way to do nice things for you. He sounds pretty cool to me, but if you can't live with the lack of "I love you"s, then perhaps you need to call it a day rather than try changing him?

Hope it works out!

I wasn't going to post until I saw springy's reply. My reaction was identical.

You said "I am holding back from getting further emotionally attached because the lack of words from him is making me feel insecure." I rather think that, if you didn't feel insecure, the lack of words wouldn't bother you too much. This is what I feel you should be attending to - your instincts are telling you to hold back.

I feel he is emotionally withholding and am worried for you.

Ah see df and i end up chasing round the house/garden when i want hugs! i get them in bed though - i snuggle into him until i get too hot or the baby kicks him df is an emotional recluse but he doesn't flinch from my hugs, he just doesn't do it off his own back which annoys me.

My experience was like springytat's and i agree with everything she wrote. She mentioned control. Ime if someone doesn't talk about his feelings then you end up trying to guess all the time which is unfair and controlling. In my case he was sulkng a lot but i had to guess what has upset him.
Mine did open up and said 100s 'i love you'. Afer i left him!

Ok maybe yours is good, but still this is a difference between personalities that really wears you off. If you always have to play down your emotions that can lead to depression.

See, he is pretty free with his opinions (all positive re me) so I don't feel like I don't know what he's thinking. When we had our chat he pointed out a couple of the things he had done for/with me and said that they showed his feelings for me. He doesn't sulk. He's very much the type to work problems out and very practical.

Maybe I'll just try communicating my feelings exactly as they are to him (positive feelings about him, I mean, as and when I feel them) and see how he responds. Hopefully over time I will start making the assumptions that he wants me to make about the actions/feelings connections.

eh? You're happy with a relationship based on assumptions ??

It sounds a bit too much like he's training you if you say that 'HOpefully over time I will start making the assumptions that he wants me to make ...' etc.

Where do you come in all this? What do you want? Do you want someone who gushes, can't help telling you how much they love you? It's early days. This is probably the best you're going to get.

I used to find it near impossible to say I love you. I wasn't trying to train anyone.

I did in my last relationship partly because I knew it would be helpful to him and partly because I felt utterly secure in his feelings for me. I felt 'safe' to do so, finally.

i am your DP and i am not trying to train anyone, nor am I controlling through withholding, nor anything else suspect or insidious. I just find it hard to know what to say and have a long history of being watchful around others. Also, I feel deep down that talk is cheap (in my experience). It's really hard.

How did you find OP's thread, Auntlinny?

I may have misunderstood! Were you saying your are DP, or that you're similar to him?