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Relationships

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Original poster

Is anyone else with a stiff-upper-lip type who doesn't like talking about feelings?

65 replies

thequeenmary · 19/06/2013 22:36

My OH finds it very hard to talk about anything to do with emotions or feelings, and doesn't like to express affection verbally. We have been together 9 months and he has never said 'I love you' or anything else remotely soppy. We had a discussion about it and he said that he has very strong feelings for me, but he doesn't think 'I love you' really covers it, and thinks because people can say it without meaning it then it can be a sort of meaningless phrase. I know this sounds a bit Prince Charles - 'whatever love means' and all that!

Despite this, he is actually very romantic and caring and makes big effort for special occasions and treats me very well day-to-day, in fact I cannot fault him on that.

I think he expresses affection by doing practical things rather than by saying it. He will go to great practical lengths to do something for me, even if it is inconvenient. He is also very supportive when it matters, for example when I've been ill or stressed he will always be sure to find out how I am every day and do anything to help if he can.

The problem is I am starting to find that I would really like him to actually articulate his feelings. He often compliments me, but never says anything more meaningful. It would mean a lot to me if he would tell me that he missed me when we were apart or something. We spoke about this and he said that he thought his feelings for me were obvious from his actions and that romantic talk makes him feel embarrassed. I do understand this from his pov. He is from quite a traditional family and education background and I think this may be part of it.

I don't want to needle him into saying words just to please me, and I know it's true that men can say nice things and still treat you badly. Mine treats me wonderfully but doesn't do the chat! I am very grateful for all his good qualities but is there any way to persuade him to open up a bit?

Just wondering if anyone has a similar partner and has been able to get them to be a bit more verbally affectionate.

OP posts:

garlicnutty · 20/06/2013 08:39

OP, do you feel he looks at you with love? (Not what other people say they see, not what could be love - straightforward looking with love.)

Original poster

thequeenmary · 20/06/2013 09:57

'Looking with love' - I'm not completely sure, I think so. I definitely feel like I'm his favourite person, if that makes sense.

Lark, I think you're right - actions do speak louder than words. Like a pp, I think he just thinks that it's easy to just say words and they can become devalued, especially if you use them too much.

This thread is really helpful. I know usually on here threads help people see there is something wrong, but this one is just making me feel that he is genuine.

OP posts:

VeganCow · 20/06/2013 10:23

Get a grip woman - you have a perfect man there!
Seriously though you say "he said that he thought his feelings for me were obvious from his actions"
Exactly what I was thinking as I read your description of him.

unobtanium · 20/06/2013 11:00

I used to be like this. My dp trained me up by example. I am much better now.

Keep saying those little nothings yourself, and your dp will eventually become comfortable hearing them... from which point it's a small step to becoming comfortable ^saying^ them.

whiteandyellowiris · 20/06/2013 11:07

if you have only been together 9 months, I would seriously consider if your actually compatable

itcoudl be very sad and lonely long term with someone like that

springytat · 20/06/2013 11:57

It may sound a bit blanket, but I have learned (over and over) that if I start make significant adjustments for a man I'm on to a hiding. It just never works.

You are already losing sight of what you want, already contorting yourself to appease him and his needs. Please don't!

Auntlinny · 20/06/2013 12:02

No, I am not literally the OP's DP! That would be a bit creepy and stalkerish. It sounds that I am like him in terms of my own reluctance and very buttoned up emotions.

JustinBsMum · 20/06/2013 12:12

What does he do to demonstrate he loves you (if repeatable), even if he never says it.

My DH buys me flowers but I could happily stuff them uha as he does nothing round the house.

WafflyVersatile · 20/06/2013 12:18

I'm not sure she's said she's made significant adjustments or contorting herself.

HotelTangoFoxtrotUniform · 20/06/2013 12:20

I'm a stiff-upper lip type who doesn't feel comfortable talking about feelings. An aunt, who married into my family, describes us all as emotionally constipated and I think that's about right. My DH is completely the other way - emotionally incontinent if I'm being a little unkind.

He needs me to be expressive about my feelings as he feels really insecure otherwise. My actions speaking for themselves aren't enough for him. I have learned to be more open about my emotions, but find talking about them in a contrived conversation really difficult - it's much easier to give an off-the-cuff sentence or two rather than having a planned chat. He still has to ask for hugs as I don't really need them, but I oblige when he asks.

My point is there is a balance you can strike between you - I will cuddle him (until I get hot or fidgety) and I will talk to him, briefly. I won't write long mushy cards like he does exclaiming undying love because it makes me really uncomfortable - it makes me uncomfortable to receive them but he gets pleasure from writing them so I let it lie. Can you work out a compromise because he sounds like a keeper. Explain that you understand his reluctance to talk but you need some reassurance - maybe he'd feel more comfortable in writing rather than chatting. If its important to you then you need to find a way to facilitate this in your relationship.

springytat · 20/06/2013 12:26

Even relatively small adjustments don't work either, I've found. ime , men can look after themselves

thanks for giving me a good belly laugh, Hotel. You sound lovely

MadBusLady · 20/06/2013 12:33

I find this very difficult. Yes, he could be emotionally withholding and training you into sacrificing one thing you value as a prelude to others. But he could also be perfectly genuine and expressing love in ways meaningful to him.

If the latter, it's not impossible that he will eventually be affectionate in the way that you want, if he cares about you enough to make the effort. But I don't think it will replace his version of what is meaningful IYSWIM, it will just be something he does for you.

However, you can't count on it, can you? People's characters aren't going to easily change after the late twenties-ish, so if you're that age or older what you see now may be what you'll always have. Regardless of whether or not there is something sinister behind his stiff upper lip, are you ok with it being a permanent fixture?

deliasmithy · 20/06/2013 12:37

Not sure its been suggested in the thread:

Google languages of love, or something like that.

Anyway there's a theory that there are five 'ways' of showing love, such as words, gifts, practical things and touch. We each have ones that mean more to us than the others, so if partner puts all energies into being practical whilst all we want is a lovingly written note then the efforts are lost.

I showed my partner this and he suddenly appreciated our differences, better than when I tried to explain it.
There's a quiz on there that you can do as well.

Original poster

thequeenmary · 20/06/2013 12:52

To demonstrate he loves me, he mostly does things for me. We went on holiday together and he did EVERYTHING. He did all the driving (I cba), all the cooking, all the washing up (we were self-catering), all the carrying of heavy things. If at any point we are walking along carrying heavy bags, he will carry mine too.

Have just googled the languages thing and I think he must be a 'practical things' person, and also 'touch' as he is very tactile. We have lots of hugs and hand-holding which is nice and reassures me as I also express affection through touch.

I think I can deal with the lack of verbal expression and just learn to recognise the other stuff as expressions of love.

OP posts:

alarkthatcouldpray · 20/06/2013 21:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mumsyblouse · 20/06/2013 21:50

i would also second googling 'love languages' as there are five of them, i think there are articles on them, I've never bothered with the book. I am not hearing that your partner is not showing love but they are doing it through action which is one of the love languages. If you have very different ways of expressing and receiving love then it can create real problems in relationships if you can't recognise the love that the other person is showing. I think having someone show they are caring and considerate is worth its weight in gold in the long run, but ultimately if you want hearts and flowers, there may be a mismatch. My husband falls in the gifts/buying things category, some people would love this, but he wouldn't run around after me doing 'caring' things particularly- basically it's not about which language is 'better' but which suits you. I think this guy has enough going for him that it's worth persisting with.

Mumsyblouse · 20/06/2013 21:52

Dozy me, I see you have googled the love languages thing. I guess it's all about if you can accept this type of love and can let the stuff go about needing it saying out loud. If you can't it could eat away at you. We are also very tactile/show love through touch which is something we have in common and that overcomes a lot of problems!

Original poster

thequeenmary · 20/06/2013 22:33

lark - I forgot about Pride and Prejudice! I generally feel that Darcy is overrated but you can't deny he's sound. My OH is also very keen on the 'serious duty' part of relationships rather than what he sees as superficial fluff.

I'm glad I started this thread because it's really made me focus on his good points. It's nice that people think he's a keeper - I was prepared for people to tell me that if he doesn't say it he doesn't mean it.

I think because we don't live together he doesn't often get the chance to do practical things for me, so it's harder for me to appreciate. However we will be getting the chance to spend a lot more time together soon so fingers crossed.

OP posts:

garlicnutty · 20/06/2013 22:46

TQM, I am most encouraged by your tales of catering and hugs :)

Me, I can't stand silent heroes and would like to kick D'Arcy in the leggings, along with all those whimsical women, but I do find hugs and washing up very romantic!

Love your Moses basket moment, lark. Am also a huge fan of The Road Less Travelled and "doing" love. My life would have been significantly less of a roller-coaster if I'd just got that people can feel love as much as they like; it ain't worth shit if it doesn't translate into loving actions.

Original poster

thequeenmary · 20/06/2013 22:59

Yes, garlic, I prob should have mentioned it before but it didn't occur and also didn't want the OP to be a mile long... Hope he keeps up the good work if we end up living together! I suppose showing love by actions is pretty useful really...

Judging from that love languages thing, I think I show affection through words and touch. Lucky we have the touch thing in common, and I feel much more confident now re his feelings...

OP posts:

garlicnutty · 20/06/2013 23:23

Glad you're feeling more confident - always a good thing!

I hope you'll feel confident enough to use words your way, and to ask for what you need ... there's another old story about a vault full of jewels being no good to a man who needs a drink of water!

And ... ... Never Ever Twist Yourself Out Of Shape For A Relationship, young lady ...

Original poster

thequeenmary · 20/06/2013 23:38

Haha love the cap/shawl/tobacco image!

OP posts:

CrabbyBigBottom · 20/06/2013 23:38

He sounds absolutely lovely! I'd far rather have a man who says little and does much, than a man who promises the earth and does fuck all! He's showing you all the time that he cares deeply for you by treating you with affection, consideration and respect. What on earth more do you want?

Springy I think that you are projecting hugely here, and it isn't helpful.

BicBiro · 21/06/2013 00:02

My last DP was like this. very loving and affectionate which was fine to begin with, but tbh after 2 years of no 'I love you' it just hurt, a lot, and began eating away at my self-worth.

and he knew it was hurting me... now I don't know if that's EA or if he really was just not in love with me, but I wish he'd been straight up about it and not just said 'I'm not quite there yet' etc etc which after a bit felt like dangling a carrot on a stick. I never did work out what he needed to get there, something more than I was offering anyway! it was definitely a factor in my ending the relationship.

BicBiro · 21/06/2013 00:04

I'm definitely projecting! but I think it's worth honestly assessing whether being with a man who can't verbalise his feelings is going to eat away at you, because if it is then it may do more harm than good in the long run.

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