Is anyone else with a stiff-upper-lip type who doesn't like talking about feelings?

[thequeenmary]

My OH finds it very hard to talk about anything to do with emotions or feelings, and doesn't like to express affection verbally. We have been together 9 months and he has never said 'I love you' or anything else remotely soppy. We had a discussion about it and he said that he has very strong feelings for me, but he doesn't think 'I love you' really covers it, and thinks because people can say it without meaning it then it can be a sort of meaningless phrase. I know this sounds a bit Prince Charles - 'whatever love means' and all that!

Despite this, he is actually very romantic and caring and makes big effort for special occasions and treats me very well day-to-day, in fact I cannot fault him on that.

I think he expresses affection by doing practical things rather than by saying it. He will go to great practical lengths to do something for me, even if it is inconvenient. He is also very supportive when it matters, for example when I've been ill or stressed he will always be sure to find out how I am every day and do anything to help if he can.

The problem is I am starting to find that I would really like him to actually articulate his feelings. He often compliments me, but never says anything more meaningful. It would mean a lot to me if he would tell me that he missed me when we were apart or something. We spoke about this and he said that he thought his feelings for me were obvious from his actions and that romantic talk makes him feel embarrassed. I do understand this from his pov. He is from quite a traditional family and education background and I think this may be part of it.

I don't want to needle him into saying words just to please me, and I know it's true that men can say nice things and still treat you badly. Mine treats me wonderfully but doesn't do the chat! I am very grateful for all his good qualities but is there any way to persuade him to open up a bit?

Just wondering if anyone has a similar partner and has been able to get them to be a bit more verbally affectionate.

fuck off! I have had an excruciatingly bad experience with a 'strong, silent type' and I was very clear that I hesitated to reply because of it. I explained that and was apologetic re Sorry, bad experience for me. .

To say a strong, silent type is abusive is projection, but I haven't said that. I have said that this one was - but loud, gabby types can be abusive too, in different ways, I assume.

As for it's 'not helpful' - what if he is abusive? It would be helpful then. OP has asked for some perspective and that's what we're trying to do. I've had a bad experience with someone like this (and so have others on the thread, it seems) and I have given my perspective.

I sincerely hope he isn't abusive - of course I do! - but 'doing EVERYTHING' is not necessarily a good sign btw.... Just saying!

Now fuck off with accusing me of projecting and not being helpful. I have tried to be as helpful as I can without raining on OP's parade. I'd be the first to jump for joy if OP's man is a good one but it's good to do a bit of research first imo and not jump blindly in. Which was the reason for OP's thread in the first place.

What Springy said!

Blind faith is a bit daft, really. Just sayin'.

I don't think you're supposed to say fuck off on MN any more Springy.

You said:
"You are already losing sight of what you want, already contorting yourself to appease him and his needs. Please don't!"

I don't think there's anything in the thequeen's posts that suggests that she is contorting herself out of shape. I don't think that there is anything in her posts to suggest in the slightest that he is abusive, either.

Therefore the conclusion I drew was that you are projecting the traumatised feelings that you still hold from your awful relationship, onto this scenario. I see it happening a lot on the relationship boards, and no I don't think that it's helpful for the OPs, who are often scared off by posters telling them that their partner is abusive/potentially abusive, when they just wanted a bit of relationship advice.

Anyway I expect I'm completely mistaken and you're not projecting your own experiences on to this situation at all. Sorry that I seem to have upset you.

ah yes, sorry about the fuck offs

yy I know what you mean about transferred trauma on these boards. It's very, very hard not to panic when something has even a whiff of the horror that I experienced with my strong, silent, terrifying abuser.

My feelings along those lines were high when I first saw the thread title, which was why I didn't immediately post. However, despite - or maybe because of - my horrific experience, I really want there to be good men about. I really want people to have healthy and functioning relationships. I really do, I can't express how much I do. I particularly do, because of what I've experienced.

I hope that isn't evidence of a jaundiced view, however! I believe there is goodness, and good men (and women) and good, healthy, functioning relationships. Plenty of them, actually - just that they don't make good copy!

OP posted because she was worried. Maybe it was the use of the word 'contort' that got nostrils flared. Ok, I'll tone that down to significant adjustment (I'd like to leave off 'significant' but if OP is already denying a large part of her needs in order to 'understand' her partner then I consider that a 'significant adjustment'). In my experience, it simply doesn't work to adjust too much to a new relationship. In fact, in those early days it is probably more important than ever to hold your boundaries and not allow them to get blurred in the name of 'love'.

I would be very, very wary of a 'strong, silent type' and it is healthy to look closely at what may be going on. Which is what OP has done. It's important she hears from those of us who have had bad experiences with SST's - that's good research, surely.

He sounds a solid partner from your descriptions.

But he is with-holding. He knows you need to hear him say he loves you.

Even if he gruffly said it, once, and then told you he found it really hard and wouldn't be saying it again for a good while - that would be different.

But he said it doesn't really cover how he feels for you.

You could continue to have a positive relationship but this crucial need you have (that most of us have - this would be a deal breaker for me) will remain unfulfilled. There will always be a distance there in this respect.

9 months isn't long. You don't know him inside out yet. You are struggling to feel ok about it.

Just protect yourself a bit here.

Lemon, sorry - he did gruffly say it once, the time we talked about it. He said 'you know, well, um, yes, obviouslyIloveyou' like that

I just meant he hadn't said it independently, in what I thought was the usual way for a man in a relationship. Sorry, I am not very good at getting all the details in.

springy, I do appreciate your advice and it's always hard to tell from a few lines of text what the real situation is, so I don't think your advice was unreasonable at all. As you say, I was obviously a bit concerned otherwise I wouldn't have posted.

The main thing is, it's not like I have had repeated conversations where I have begged him to say it. I brought it up once, just to clarify that he did actually have feelings for me, his response was as above. Since then I have not brought it up at all because I don't want to put pressure on him or try to make him into something he's not. I fully get that you can't change people, so if you can't deal with it you should just leave. But it is really not that situation yet, or hopefully ever.

Well, now I've cleared a space for myself...

Do you not make a thing out of him not saying it/anything sloppy because of his ex gf? ie he told you that an ex had an issue with it - and, clearly, she's an ex. Do you hold back because you 'don't want to be like his ex'?

re boundaries - in a longstanding, committed relationship, boundaries can, I suppose, get 'blurred' much, much further down the line when the commitment is solid and proved. Not at the beginning. It is not healthy to bow to his needs in the name of laying down to create harmony. It just doens't work like that.

I'm not saying you are! Just make sure you don't. There are abusers about, it is not an effective filter to 'hope for the best'; or (horror) subsume your needs in the hope of creating harmony. You have to do the groundwork, one of which is to be aware of your boundaries and uphold them. You don't have to be aggressive about it, but neither do you have to be passive. Abusers don't necessarily look like abusers at all, often it's a very long time (years) before it becomes apparent that they are.

I don't mean to frighten you but we have to be aware here. imo we can all have abusive traits, it's whether those traits are open to honesty and adjustment. Equally, that is ie both working on harmony, or not hurting the other.

I understand what some posters say about not having the right to force him to change but on the other hand you said 'I massively played it down' and this is what worried some of us. If two people are very different then what happens? One of them changes or they meet half way I guess? It really depends how important is for you, if it is very important then bottling up can lead to depression. Why do people spend money to talk to someone about feelings?

A point i'd like to make (and I know I will sound paranoid) is regarding him doing everything on the holidays. It seems that you liked that and that's fine then (I would hate it but it seems I am the only one here so maybe i'm odd). But I would test what he would do if you resist that.

I would disagree with the viewpoint that you should never bend yourself for a man. Most of my happily married friends have compromised in some way - moving to a different city they would not otherwise have chosen, tolerating a time consuming hobby, allowing the children a religious upbringing when they themselves are not believers, accepting that they are to be step mothers as well as mothers when this was not necessarily part of the plan.

Most of those things are further down the line bends, excepting the hobby. Those adjustments come when relationship/commitment is tried and tested.

doing everything can definitely be a red flag. some of yous should take a look at how domestic abuse goes. It is very often not obvious at all and it is only when the woman (usually a woman) is a hollowed-out wreck that it starts to become apparent.

But then, a lot of women think domestic abuse couldn't happen to them.

On this thread, I feel a bit like Springy's pet parrot

Adding to what she said: Compromising your emotional needs and boundaries for a relationship is very different from compromising on the kinds of practicalities you mention. lark. (Even then, everyone has their individual boundaries - I couldn't tolerate a religiously active partner, for example; we'd never get far enough for it to become an issue!)

Emotional compatibility is really, really important. Mumsnetters tend to accept that relationships need sexual compatibility - why should a woman give up her emotional satisfaction, but not sexual? Surely both are a minimum requirement?

I didn't say it was a red flag but that it can be a red flag.

Anyway, it's late. I'm glad you got your Darcy but even if it was Colin Firth I still couldn't hack a SST

each to his own and all that. YOu have to see it in the round, weigh it up. be aware of the traits of an abuser. It's not nice but it's sensible.

Garlic, your polly is looking very pretty I must say