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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Tell me your views on partner using porn. My head is mashed.

98 replies

DarkSideOfTheLoom · 19/06/2013 15:08

With dh seven years, three kids, usually really happy.

Straight to the point, every so often I will find evidence he is looking at porn. I hate it. I think it's degrading to women, and horrifically exploitative and psychologically damaging, my views are rather strong. On previous occasions he has said that he won't access it etc as I find my feelings are hurt by it, and I hate the sneaking around aspect of it.

He uses the football 365 forum which I presumed was about football?! Transpires its really not just that, there's a lot of porn and page three type stuff. He was using my iPad and my address bar shows he has been looking at these threads. I told him that if he insisted on doing it please don't have the face to do it on my iPad.

Further investigation into the more advanced history setting revealed a number of porn video sites.

My questions here are... Am I being unreasonable to ask my husband to respect how I feel about this? Is it ok to regard the 'men need it' stance as bullshit?

OP posts:
AnythingNotEverything · 19/06/2013 15:16

The only views that matter are yours - the issue here isn't about him using porn at all, it's about him doing something you hate and lying about it.

It doesn't matter how I feel about porn tbh.

AnythingNotEverything · 19/06/2013 15:16

But no, YANBU.

HappyGoLuckyGirl · 19/06/2013 15:17

Some people like porn, others tolerate it and others detest it.

It doesn't matter what anyone else's opinion is, all that matters is that you don't like it.

You have told him your feelings on the matter and yet he still does it. That is the problem, not the porn.

Is it a deal-breaker for you?

MortifiedAdams · 19/06/2013 15:17

I dont think "men need it" but I do think some people like watching it, both men and women. It is possible that they watch it and the conditions of the people in it arent something that plays on their mind - much like the millions who shop at GAP or Primark.without a second thought for the child labour involved.
I dont know wjat to advise about your wanting dh not to watch it - he obviously holds a different opinion of whether it is acceptable viewing or not. I wouldnt ask.my DH to.stop.watching porn (if he does), as long as it didnt affect our sex life.

Umlauf · 19/06/2013 15:19

Euwww... I agree with your views on porn completely, but it doesn't matter what mine, or anyone else's views are. As anything said the issue isn't the porn, it is him doing something he knows revolts and upsets you, and lying about it. Its disrespectful, cowardly, and not the behaviour of a loving husband.

You have every right to demand he respects your views and thoughts.

Vivacia · 19/06/2013 15:19

They don't need it, to say so is bullshit. I don't like it, but the lying about it would be even worse for me on a personal level (as opposed to my feelings about exploitation). You should get him to watch the documentary "Hardcore" it's available on Youtube (be warned, it's very upsetting viewing).

50shadesofbrown · 19/06/2013 15:22

I don't know. Personally I agree with you. I suspect my DH still looks occasionally, although he denies it (I've found websites on the computer he has obviously looked at) & disagree with it for the same reasons as you. He claims he isn't really interested in porn as it's not 'real' IYSWIM. I think the real issues would be: was your DH aware of your feelings on this before you got together/serious/married? Does his use of porn interfere with your sex life ie does he prefer it to a real relationship with you? And if he thinks it's not such a problem, why is he hiding it or lying about it? DH & I have had some pretty difficult conversations about this in the past (I was ill & really not up for it so while I was upset, I let it go), maybe you need to talk about it with him. You said you've spoken to him about it, but have you really discussed it. Does he really know how you feel?

hurricanewyn · 19/06/2013 15:24

My opinions on porn don't matter in your relationship. If you don't like it in your relationship & your DH knows & respects you, then you're entitled to be pissed off, regardless of what other people feel about porn in their relationship.

Original poster
DarkSideOfTheLoom · 19/06/2013 15:26

We've had numerous discussions on what I consider to be acceptable behaviour.... He knows how I feel about it. His face when confronted was just pure 'rabbit in the headlights'... I'm actually starting to think that the thrill is doing it to be 'naughty', if you get me?

OP posts:
MortifiedAdams · 19/06/2013 15:27

So what if this was the other way around? Say for instance, OPs DH was tee total, anti booze, etc. He has asked her not to drink. So if she drinks, she is totally disrespectful of his views and opinion and because he doesnt want her to drink, she shouldnt?

50shadesofbrown · 19/06/2013 15:28

By the way I'm not excusing anyone's use of porn. Personally I do think it's vile. But I know a lot of people don't, including some women.

Imnotagilmoregirl · 19/06/2013 15:59

I think porn can hav it place as a bit of fun, or something to peek at once in a blue moon, my dealbreaker was a husband spending 5 hours a night trawling through image after image (amongst other things... We won't open that door!)

Ultimately, if its something you dislike and have told him, and found he has done it anyway, that is not good. Whether its porn, smoking, going to the bookies, whatever. Now I the time to find out whether you're willing to compromise and if he is too. Good luck xx

SharpsuitSharpEyes · 19/06/2013 16:04

Darksideoftheloon, I also had a similar problem with DH myself, I found that he was looking at a lot of porn and when I spoke to him he became really defensive. I felt obviously hurt and jealous, because I looked at some of the girls and they were obviously younger than me. I felt threatened. I tried to find out why he was doing it but he wouldn't really give me a straight answer. I looked to myself and I realised that I wasn't giving him what he could get from the stuff he was watching. I had recently put on some weight (due to work stresses) and I wasn't as "up for it" as I used to be. I went on a diet and really worked at being more sexy, for him but also me. And now he doesn't look at that stuff anymore. So my question would be, and I don't mean offence, but 7 years and 3 kids into a relationship, do you think there is a gap between what he wants to imagine and see and what he is offered "at home"?

SharpsuitSharpEyes · 19/06/2013 16:04

oh god lol that's a long post! just like me to blabber on.

Sorry!

psycoticmonkey · 19/06/2013 16:06

"The only views that matter are yours"

This is an absolutely vile sentiment. Vile. If I told my partner to stop watching The X-Factor because it's a disgusting exploitation of the mentally ill, she would rightfully tell me to bu*ger off and that it's not my place to control her viewing habits. It would be a different scenario if he was neglecting your needs as a result, obviously.

I like the example of the Primark above - I suspect that much of the outrage in this thread against pornography is more to do with jealousy/insecurity than any genuine concern for exploited women. Otherwise, how can you explain the popularity of shops like Primark amongst the membership of this very board?

bestsonever · 19/06/2013 16:07

Depends on other aspects of the relationship, if the physical side of life has dwindled after kids and time, and this is a symptom or outlet to compensate, then focusing on improving that side may reduce the activity.
If he's always done it from when you met, he's not likely to change.

badinage · 19/06/2013 16:16

Yes, that's right. If anyone says they object to a partner doing something they find distasteful and exploitative, the other one has the right to say 'bugger off'. I agree with that completely.

What they don't have the right to do is to lie about it though. They should have the courage of their convictions to say 'I'm going to keep doing this and it's up to you whether you want to put up with it or not'.

It's really simple. It's about honesty.

If people actually want to hang on to their relationships on the other hand, often they'll make a decision about whether this thing they do is more precious to them than their partner's happiness. If it's not, they'll give it up. If it is, they won't.

I'd really urge you to ignore the stepford advice about why he's doing this. It's more likely he's been conditioned all his life to think that this is what men do and that he hasn't got a clue about the women on screen and what they are going through to provide him with an orgasm. Unfortunately many people are trained to think those women 'aren't real' although they are flesh and blood and have the anal prolapses, throat and vaginal injuries to prove it.

SharpsuitSharpEyes · 19/06/2013 16:23

Badinage, was that stepford comment aimed at me? Confused

HappyGoLuckyGirl · 19/06/2013 16:28

Jesus wept.

Comparing watching the X-Factor or shopping at Primark the same as watching porn is ridiculous.

The OP has already told us how it makes her feel! The lying and snooping around makes her paranoid, the images her partner is looking at makes her feel not good enough and most likely eats away at her self-esteem and confidence. Therefore it is detrimental to their relationship.

It doesn't matter why he's viewing porn, it just matters that it hurts her.

If your partner told you that something you were doing was affecting their mental state would you carry on doing it?

Oh and FWIW, I'm in a relationship and watch porn with and without my partner.

ThePlEWhoLovedMe · 19/06/2013 16:34

Psyco...

I think you will find that the comment 'the only opinion that matters is yours' refers to us here on MN's - our opinions do not matter because we are not living in this situation. I must say i agree, what difference does it make if i think porn is acceptable ....it only matters if the OP finds it acceptable or not.

Vivacia · 19/06/2013 16:34

"The only view that matters is yours is a vile concept". You've taken that out of context, you know the poster meant in respect to what we think, not what the OP's husband thinks.

badinage · 19/06/2013 16:36

No, not just you Sharpsuit, but I couldn't disagree more with your approach to this. It sickens me to think that some women feel responsible for why their partners watch porn and who conclude that they are deficient in some way and must therefore 'raise their game' to prevent behaviour in another person. Madness.

Vivacia · 19/06/2013 16:37

"I suspect that much of the outrage in this thread against pornography is more to do with jealousy/insecurity than any genuine concern for exploited women."

Really? I wonder why you prefer to think that, despite the evidence that most porn exploits and objectifies women and the lack of evidence that people object to porn because it makes them feel insecure.

TheCatIsUpTheDuff · 19/06/2013 16:41

You're entitled to dislike it and not to want any contact with it, but I don't think you can dictate that your husband can't watch it unless it's affecting you. If he's watching it in front of you, or when you need the computer, or if it's giving him ideas for sex that you don't enjoy, then there's a discussion to have, but if he's watching it on his own in his own time, and obviously not where any kids could see, then it's not affecting you and isn't your problem.

SharpsuitSharpEyes · 19/06/2013 16:41

HappyGirl, you are right that is wrong that her DH is lying BUT his options became limited once he was told not to do it by her, I have never known a man who will do exactly as he is told (if you do then let me know the school you sent him to lol) so when the freedom door was closed, only the guilt door was left open to him. Now he has to be sneaky and do it behind her back and that simply adds to the guilt but maybe also the excitement. Who knows with

I'm not saying watch this stuff with him, I am saying maybe there is more options than hitting the man with a stick when he does something you don't like. Maybe he needs a carrot sometimes too. Or is should that be the other way round? lol Wink

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