Tell me your views on partner using porn. My head is mashed.

[DarkSideOfTheLoom]

With dh seven years, three kids, usually really happy.

Straight to the point, every so often I will find evidence he is looking at porn. I hate it. I think it's degrading to women, and horrifically exploitative and psychologically damaging, my views are rather strong. On previous occasions he has said that he won't access it etc as I find my feelings are hurt by it, and I hate the sneaking around aspect of it.

He uses the football 365 forum which I presumed was about football?! Transpires its really not just that, there's a lot of porn and page three type stuff. He was using my iPad and my address bar shows he has been looking at these threads. I told him that if he insisted on doing it please don't have the face to do it on my iPad.

Further investigation into the more advanced history setting revealed a number of porn video sites.

My questions here are... Am I being unreasonable to ask my husband to respect how I feel about this? Is it ok to regard the 'men need it' stance as bullshit?

You really don't like women do you Psychoticmonkey?

Only those who dont watch porn, refuse to shop at Primark and are vegans have the higher moral ground. In effect, most people are hypocrites. Lets not forget porn exploits men as well (they get paid significantly less from what I hear)

Going back to the original question, its up to the OP if its a deal breaker. Its neither here nor there for me.

I've seen some shockingly high statistics for porn use among men. It could be that sort of data psychoticmonkey is talking about. Or maybe the company he/she keeps. Do you think it is impossible for men to avoid porn?

No.

Only those who don't lie to their partners about activities that upset them and which they've promised to give up, have the moral high ground.

Do stick to the point.

This is about doing something that upsets a partner and lying about it.

Psychotic monkey has made the mistake of attempting to use logic and reasoned arguments to extract an intelligent, considered response from a mumsnet thread about porn. In time he will learn.

"That has officially made it to my top ten thicko comments on MN, so well done on that. Are you some sort of God that knows this? What a stupid, stupid comment. I feel for you actually being that ignorant."

Wipe the spittle from your screen and engage brain for a second. What is stupid about it? Are you suggesting that the vast, overwhelming majority of men don't look at porn? Your boyfriend/husband watches porn. This obviously distresses you, but it doesn't detract from the fact that if you refuse to be in a relationship with a man whom you know uses porn you will, mathematically speaking to all intents and purposes, either be alone or lied to. It's not my opinion, it's neither stupid nor intelligent, it's just a simple fact. I think you should apologise for the abusive tone of your post.

"If someone was lying to her partner about her use of an iphone, her primark purchases or the provenance of her designer handbag, but objected to her partner lying to her about his porn use, that would be the equivalent analogy and would be hypocritical."

The discussion from some people had moved on to general moralising about pornography, I think you'll see if you re-vist page 2.

Do you really want to get into a debate with someone who can't spell their own user name?

And their little friend, who also joined MN today.

It's a deliberate mis-spelling, sugar.

psyco - this isn't about whether men should or should not watch porn. It's about whether it's ok for them to lie about watching it after they've said they wouldn't watch it and how you could react when you find out about their deception.

All the threads on MN and a new poster pops up on this one. Isn't life funny.

Good strategy just, when faced with somebody putting across a view you don't like but can't refute, start with the personal abuse. Makes you look real smart ;-)

Well it's very helpful to suggest I lose weight. Not. Had a baby eight months ago and currently rocking the size ten jeans on my 5' 8'' frame. Not that I should even have to say that, tbh.

I am not a 'jealous' porn objector - I am very interested in the feminist side and therefore object to the exploitation and physical/mental damage the industry does.
My husband has sat and watched so documentaries etc with me, had the debates, and slagged off men who use porn.

I just feel quite disrespected, and a little bit sad really. Thanks to all contributors, I feel a bit better for offloading and taking on the perspectives here.

What's wrong with it exactly, J?? If you'd care to engage with what I said?

Fair enough Vivacia, I was responding to responses though, as well as the OP.

In think the fact him lying about it is the issue here,
I will be honest my DP watches Porn, as do I, the rules are not to have it in each others faces.
Had I tried to tell him he's not allowed I would have been told where to go and I would to him too,
I think he should have told you at the time that if wants to view porn he will instead of paying lip service than sneaking around.

If you're not happy with his use of it and have made that clear and he's still using it you've reached an impasse. You can try to talk to him about why you feel it's damaging but if he chooses not to listen you can't make him.

It is spectacularly unintelligent to present an opinion as 'fact'.

Unless you know every single man on this planet and what he does or doesn't do, you cannot possibly know that all, or most men, use porn.

I can see why there's some comfort in numbers and why you might want to persuade yourself and anyone prepared to listen that every other man uses porn, but you really do need to get over yourself and accept that not every man does what you do or thinks like you do. It's astonishingly man-hating to depict all men as brainless, lying, conscience-free morons who are shit lovers with no imagination. I can see why you might want to persuade women on a parenting site that this is the best they can get, but so many of us know better and are rather less mathematically challenged than you.

Ah, you're back OP.

Okay, if you still feel this is a safe space to talk about your feelings, what has your husband said about this?

I don't think watching porn is actually normal or healthy.

DH watched porn - vanilla type stuff. I absolutely hated it for a whole range of reasons and he said that he would stop. It made me feel sick. It did stop for a while and then it would start up again. The lying absolutely undermined trust in our relationship. The third time I gave him an ultimatum that he had to stop and if he didn't then our relationship would be over. At that point he went for counselling and finally understood the "compulsion" he had to use porn. Once the associations had be broken through therapy then he was able to stop. So men don't have to use porn, they may want to but they don't "need" it.

"I don't think watching porn is actually normal or healthy."

Well I must be abnormal and unhealthy :)

That may well be true monkey

The things he said haven't made me feel any better. To paraphrase he knew it would upset me but he was curious. That kindof makes it worse, I suppose, like when he wants to view that kind of material I don't even enter the equation.

He was 'curious' . So curious he had to keep going back to check they were still having sex?