Tell me your views on partner using porn. My head is mashed.

[DarkSideOfTheLoom]

With dh seven years, three kids, usually really happy.

Straight to the point, every so often I will find evidence he is looking at porn. I hate it. I think it's degrading to women, and horrifically exploitative and psychologically damaging, my views are rather strong. On previous occasions he has said that he won't access it etc as I find my feelings are hurt by it, and I hate the sneaking around aspect of it.

He uses the football 365 forum which I presumed was about football?! Transpires its really not just that, there's a lot of porn and page three type stuff. He was using my iPad and my address bar shows he has been looking at these threads. I told him that if he insisted on doing it please don't have the face to do it on my iPad.

Further investigation into the more advanced history setting revealed a number of porn video sites.

My questions here are... Am I being unreasonable to ask my husband to respect how I feel about this? Is it ok to regard the 'men need it' stance as bullshit?

"If your partner told you that something you were doing was affecting their mental state would you carry on doing it?"

Of course it would depend what it was. If it was an unreasonable demand, such as "stop watching porn", then no, of course. And I would be put in a position where lying about it may save my partner's feelings.

And it is absolutely, categorically not ridiculous to compare shopping at Primark and watching pornography. Which one is the cause of the more widespread exploitation and suffering, do you think? And how much does your average shopper consider said exploitation and suffering? In the context of this relationship it may well not hold the same significance but they most certainly are comparable in principle.

I think this is something that can only be worked put between the two of you but I do think it is rather "controlling" to decide what your OH can/cannot watch. Personally I have no issue with "normal" porn and I know DH sometimes looks at things on the PC - and occasionally we have done so together - but I certainly wouldn't tell him he couldn't just because I didn't approve. Of course, we make sure DC do not see us doing this - but I suspect in truth they have probably seen more than we have

Hi, I'm interested in reading up on the effects of porn, could you provide a source for this:
evidence that most porn exploits and objectifies womeN

Iknow this sounds like a sarcastic reply but it really isn't intended that way.

I watch it, DH watches it and it does not bother me in the slightest. Cannot see what all the fuss is about to be honest. Many of my female friends watch it too.

Makes me laugh that people find it disgusting then read 50 Shades of Gray

Good point about primark psychoticmonkey, looks like it is hard for some to swallow that something that gives them enjoyment is so damaging.

Putting 'lol' after your opinion does not make the any more palatable. "Sending your partner to school", "providing him with a carrot to not watch porn"?

Some men don't watch porn because they've decided they don't want to support the exploitation and degradation of other people that most porn leads to.

I don't know about anyone else, but my partner doesn't need to be bribed by sex and I don't have sex for any reason other than I want to have sex.

And the people who complain that DH lies about watching it, it is probably cos they have no option due to the 'over-reaction' of their OH.

No-one 'has to' lie about anything. If they do, it's not to 'spare a partner's feelings' or at least that's not the sole motivation for the lie. The primary motivation is self-interest and wanting to continue making choices in life that if a partner knew about them, might invoke losses of some sort for the liar.

There are two very obvious options in this situation that don't require lies.

One is to say 'I've heard your objections but I don't agree and I'm going to continue using porn'

The other is to give it up and if any resolve were needed to do that (other than the desire to save a relationship and stop upsetting a partner) to do some research into the 'real' stuff that goes on in the porn industry.

This isn't about 'telling a man what to do' or any similar guff that gets posted on these threads.

It's about honesty and a refusal to tell, or accept lies.

yab completely unreasonable

It's what all men do

Can I ask a serious question? Why are all the supporters of porn lacking in literacy skills?

Lots of mansplaining it all away on this thread

Quite sickening imho.

It has nothing to do with what other people think, and everything to do with how you feel about the situation.

As for the 50 shades bilge that always gets dredged up on these threads, it beggars belief that supposedly intelligent people can't tell the difference between fictional characters and real, flesh and blood women who suffer the physical agonies required to be a porn star. You might have to be an idiot with a penchant for illiterate and dull prose to appreciate 50 shades and you might be stupid enough to think that glamourising sexually and emotionally abusive relationships is all good fun, but - as they say - no real people or animals were hurt in the production of it - just the bank balances of the terminally stupid.

When was the last time a porn studio collapsed killing hundreds of porn stars? Then again they were just darkies from Bangladesh, only white westerners deserve protection.

"Can I ask a serious question? Why are all the supporters of porn lacking in literacy skills?"

By all means, ask away.

What an idiotic analogy.

For a start, porn is racist in the extreme and does not exclusively feature 'white westerners'. But how many women with anal prolapses, venereal disease or who've committed suicide after the way they were treated in porn will it take before they are given a voice? Does it have to be hundreds at a time then?

It's also perfectly possible to boycott other industries as well as porn. I have no idea why people think individuals only have the capacity and the conscience to object to more than one form of exploitation.

"Can I ask a serious question? Why are all the supporters of porn lacking in literacy skills?"

Because I cannot fit an english degree in my busy life :)

I think people can both stop porn and shopping in Primark. Get engaged in fairtrade Worm, if that's your greatest concern. Apart from that, it's a weird strawman in this thread.
The point here is that op has made her view on porn known, and her partner said he wouldn't access it. yet he has.
The view that maybe she isn't hot anough after 3 kids in 7 years is -wow. My brain just blew a fuse there. it's not really here or there, is it?

Does he engage in any kind of debate about porn when you say you don't like him watching it? If he has a different opinion and prefers to lie than defend it, I'd see that as a fundamental problem with mutual respect. It says to me that he has no intention of taking your wishes into account. And he should.

For me, marriage should be based very much on shared values and beliefs, so refusal to even discuss such a divisive issue would make me question the unity we are supposed to be finding together.

For what it is worth, porn offends my conscience morally, religiously, emotionally, philosophically - any and all ways. I can't find anything positive in it for anyone ever. I'm not even "live & let live". So I don't think your views are unreasonable at all! Dh knows and agrees with that, at least theoretically: he also knows I expect him to trust I won't throw my toys out of the cot if he tells me he's feeling tempted or seen something deliberately or otherwise. But that it will be a major disaster if I discover he lied. And he'll not let me be too self-deceptive about the quality of what I'm reading or watching either, which I don't always like. We blunder on.

Sorry sounds so philosophical! You're in a tough position and I don't mean to be unsympathetic.

"It's also perfectly possible to boycott other industries as well as porn. I have no idea why people think individuals only have the capacity and the conscience to object to more than one form of exploitation."

Of course it's possible. However, on the admittedly imperfect basis of my personal experience, it remains much, much rarer for women to show the same "concern" for the exploited manufacturers of their iPhones, designer handbags and high-street clothing, and when they fail to show the same "concern", do you not agree that they could legitimately be accused of hypocrisy?

I would sruggle to stay in a relationship with someone who used porn, as I feel so strongly about the exploitation and objectification of women which, IMO, is promulgated by the industry. Just as I wouldn't stay with someone who felt some women deserve rape, who was homophobic, etc etc. It is valid to decide not to be with someone on the basis of their moral stance. It just depends how strongly you feel about this ethically, I think.

WTF is going on here?

an unreasonable demand, such as "stop watching porn" - If OP's husband found it an unreasonable demand then why didn't he act like an adult and discuss this rather than sneaking and lying.

Makes me laugh that people find it disgusting then read 50 Shades of Gray - Do you actually understand the difference between a fictional character in a book & a real woman in a porn movie. Do you actually understand that these are real women, with real feelings and a real anatomy being damaged in other to provide wank fodder?

I suspect that much of the outrage in this thread against pornography is more to do with jealousy/insecurity than any genuine concern for exploited women Really? I suspect the outrage has more to do with distaste at the idea of people finding sexual satisfaction from women's exploitation. I've no jealousy for that particular lifestyle TBH.

"I would sruggle to stay in a relationship with someone who used porn"

Then (unlike with your other examples; "deserving rape" and being homophobic) statistically speaking, I'm afraid, you are almost certain to remain either single or lied to.

If OP's husband found it an unreasonable demand then why didn't he act like an adult and discuss this rather than sneaking and lying.

Perhaps he feared that the OP shares "neontetra's" absurd viewpoint?

If someone was lying to her partner about her use of an iphone, her primark purchases or the provenance of her designer handbag, but objected to her partner lying to her about his porn use, that would be the equivalent analogy and would be hypocritical.

This is about porn use and lying about it in a relationship - nothing else.