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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How to deter MIL from even thinking of holidaying near us

84 replies

Marina · 30/05/2006 11:11

All advice welcome, long, sorry.
This year we are renting a holiday flat as usual from dh's mother's cousins. They run a small business and live on-site so we get to see family without anyone feeling pressure to socialise 24/7. They are a pretty nice couple, so are their adult children living nearby, it has been great the past two years to catch up with them a bit and the holidays have been really successful on all fronts.
This year MIL has suddenly announced her intention to ask to visit the cousins for a holiday at the same time as we are there. It doesn't seem to have occurred to her to even get dh's opinion on this.
MIL is a deeply horrible person IMO and has got much more distant/spiteful with age. She witters on about loving her grandchildren but you can tell it is all front. She is catty about SIL and her few remaining friends to us and I expect about us to SIL and said friends.
The thought of her muscling in on just about the only extended period of time we get as a family together is actually making me feel ill this morning. I have so much anger at the way she has treated dh and SIL especially in recent years that I am not sure I will be able to keep civil either on the holiday if it happens or in the run-up to it.
Although she won't be in our flat if she does come there is already a clear expectation that she will expect to be included in outings etc, as she is not driving to the destination.
Can't enlist the cousins' help as they were brought up together, so cousins have lingering fondness for MIL (especially as they don't spend much time with her), but at the same time one cousin can a bit of a sly stirrer and would love to hear and spread it around that I was unhappy about MIL visiting.
Dh is despondent too, but I cannot sound off frankly to him either as it will only add to the difficult time he is having at the mo. I have been forthright about her tactics in the past and I know it has upset him :(
What can I do? I am feeling quite murderous about it right now. How can I not let this wreck our holiday? :(
I cope with her most of the time by keeping her at arm's length.

OP posts:
hoxtonchick · 30/05/2006 11:18

really sorry to hear this marina. remember we are going to have 1 week there at the same time as you and i will be extremely available for restorative bitching if she does come.

Freckle · 30/05/2006 11:22

Can you be devious and let her book her time and then book another week/fortnight? Let on you are thinking of going from x to y, but then actually book another time.

Or book the time so that when MIL checks with cousins they confirm the correct booking. Then just change the dates - if possible.

foundintranslation · 30/05/2006 11:23

I think the only way is polite but firm honesty, Marina. Write her a letter/give her a call and say the holiday has been planned as family time for you and you will not be available to take her along on outings etc. during it.
It will cause big upset, probably, but tbh, if she has been so awful to you, how much a matter of regret will that be? It might even be a much-needed wake-up call to her.

Feistybird · 30/05/2006 11:23

Could you change your dates?

Can you schedule activities that you know she can't do - like a bit of strenuous walking (obv you'd only do a bit of that so that if the kids ask, they back you up, and then you go and do something you really want).

Bugsy2 · 30/05/2006 11:26

Have no advice, just wanted to offer my sympathy. Sounds like a real old dragon.
Is there not any way you could change the dates you are going, so you only overlap with her for a few days?

dinosaure · 30/05/2006 11:30

Oh Marina, what a bummer Sad.

Is there any chance that the place is all booked up already so she can't decide to visit at this late stage?

If not, agree with others - how about changing your dates slightly so that she's not around for your entire holiday?

Original poster
Marina · 30/05/2006 11:36

Thanks guys (and hoxty I may have to come and live with you if this comes to pass - thank goodness some MILs are wonderful eh Wink)

Re-booking not possible, alas. Cousins have loyal and well-organised regulars over 20 years and we have had to switch between two flats to even get our fortnight - and got the last slot.

I am hoping that she won't be able to get a cattery slot for her dirty, neurotic darling pussums. That's our best logistical hope.

I know I have to be honest if she does end up down there with us but it won't be easy.

I think there are two linked reasons for her sudden and astonishing surge of interest in us.

  1. SIL has got a (v. nice) partner after 10 years on her own. Happier, more confident, busier and therefore not such a juicy combination of company and target for spite

  2. After years of us all politely pretending that MIL was a good sort, dh and I had a really honest exchange of views and experiences with SIL not that long ago. It culminated in SIL standing up for herself and maybe MIL has realised she has taken her coldness too far.
    I think subtly abusive parents rely on siblings not wanting to sink to their level by uniting to take them on

FIT, honestly, I blush to describe her as abusive when I think about you and some of the other posters on here Blush. It is so artfully done that a casual observer would see her as a caring parent and granny. But discreet though it is, she has caused my dh and SIL to have very unhappy periods in their lives by her withdrawal of affection and lack of interest. I am the one who bears the brunt of the cattiness.

OP posts:
Original poster
Marina · 30/05/2006 11:37

Dino, she has sidestepped that issue by staying in their spare room. They have issued an open invitation to her, so...

OP posts:
Original poster
Marina · 30/05/2006 11:37

And dh, understandably, told her our dates...how could he not :(

OP posts:
FioFio · 30/05/2006 11:42

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Original poster
Marina · 30/05/2006 11:43

It's a part of the country that has very happy childhood associations for dh, Fio, and he has very few of those, so I couldn't do it to him :(

OP posts:
Bugsy2 · 30/05/2006 11:46

Start phoning all her local catteries & block booking them!!!! Tell Battersea Dogs home that you have volunteered to rehouse their stray cats for two weeks, so that their workers can have a holiday!!! Long shot - but could be worth it for your sanity.

FrannyandZooey · 30/05/2006 11:46

It doesn't matter whether she is abusive or not, Marina, the thing is that you have booked this holiday for private family time and she is muscling in. I guess this is a drawback of staying with family.

I would go with phoning her (if you can't get dh to do it) and telling her that you have heard she is planning to stay at the same time as you, however you have been looking forward to having this time just for you and dh so would be spending the time you are there by yourself doing your own thing. You could phrase it in such a way that it seems you are just doing her the courtesy of letting her know, in case she might want to rethink her plans.

If she can't take such a mssive hint then stuff her :)

FioFio · 30/05/2006 11:48

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robin3 · 30/05/2006 11:49

What about reverse psychology....say how delighted you are to find out that she wants to join you and that you're suprised given how noisy the kids are (or similar). Then maybe you could mention lots of activities that you could do together that you knows she'll hate...water flumes type ideas.

TheHonArfy · 30/05/2006 11:51

Marina Sad

I'm not sure I've any useful advice. But if she will be there, is it worth planning in advance a couple of outings that she's included on and saying to her 'oh we though you'd like to come along to this and this on these days seeing as you're going to be so nearby' in the hope that she'd then be too shamed to muscle in on the rest of the time. Or is she too hideous to fall for that?
Can you ask the cousins what they plan to do with her in such a way that it's clear that you are not going to babysit the old bat all holiday?

whatever, you MUSN'T let her ruin your holiday because then she will have WON

batters · 30/05/2006 11:51

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dinosaure · 30/05/2006 11:53

This is ghastly for you Sad.

Could you take or hire bicycles and have a couple of days out cycling - assume she wouldn't want to join you doing that?

Or - how about this - assuming you have a normal five-seater car - can you borrow another child to go on hols with you, at least for one week perhaps - so that there wouldn't be room in teh car for MIL?

foundintranslation · 30/05/2006 11:54

Marina, abusiveness comes in all sorts of guises, and it's often the subtle kind that is among the worst, as (and those doing it tend to know it) it's hard for the 'victim' to describe or even put their finger on.
Nobody can actually force you to spend time with her when you're there. Make it as clear as possible, as early as possible, that this is special family time and (as franny says) you will be doing your own thing and regretfully (Wink) unable to include her.
If it all gets out of control while you're there, our (small but nice) flat in pretty Southern Germany is empty during much of August and the first week of September, if you would like a couple of days away to recuperate. This is a serious offer. :)

Original poster
Marina · 30/05/2006 11:55

Actually robin that could be a good tactic. On the only occasion she ever called my parents' bluff and took them up on a polite invitation to stay, she patronisingly announced on arrival "of course, I don't do walking". (They lived in an area where the walking was the standout no-brainer thing to do on holiday).
My dad was round the twist by her departure three days later and he is normally the most easygoing of hosts.
I'd go for "yay, you can babysit every night then" as an effective deterrent but I honestly would not trust my children with her solo. Likely to pour poison in their ears about ds' education and how much they are both spoilt.
Sorry, am really letting it all hang out today Blush. Had rotten weekend with poor dh and find myself feeling extra hateful towards her as a result.:(

OP posts:
FioFio · 30/05/2006 11:57

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Original poster
Marina · 30/05/2006 11:57

Gosh thanks all. Am sitting here trying not to blub at all your kind and helpful words.
And would love to visit S Germany sometime FIT, how thoughtful of you :) Alas can only offer three-bed semi rubbish tip with hot and cold running Lego in exchange

OP posts:
foundintranslation · 30/05/2006 11:59

Oh, a house is my idea of paradise after years living in flats :) And our flat is really small - but feels bigger than it is, because of the layout.

Original poster
Marina · 30/05/2006 12:01

Actually Fio, dh was on a wobble from the word go this weekend. Mommie Dearest's bombshell was just the finishing touch :(

OP posts:
LadySherlockofLGJ · 30/05/2006 12:01

Oh Marina

You poor thing, I have a vile SIL(with no kids)who thinks she is going to take DS to Disneyland, EuroDisnney, skiing, and I am not looking forward to those confrontations as and when they happen.

But if she even suggested that we went on holidays en famille, I would buy myself a white wrap around jacket that ties at the back.

Thinking of you.

LGJ