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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How to deter MIL from even thinking of holidaying near us

84 replies

Marina · 30/05/2006 11:11

All advice welcome, long, sorry.
This year we are renting a holiday flat as usual from dh's mother's cousins. They run a small business and live on-site so we get to see family without anyone feeling pressure to socialise 24/7. They are a pretty nice couple, so are their adult children living nearby, it has been great the past two years to catch up with them a bit and the holidays have been really successful on all fronts.
This year MIL has suddenly announced her intention to ask to visit the cousins for a holiday at the same time as we are there. It doesn't seem to have occurred to her to even get dh's opinion on this.
MIL is a deeply horrible person IMO and has got much more distant/spiteful with age. She witters on about loving her grandchildren but you can tell it is all front. She is catty about SIL and her few remaining friends to us and I expect about us to SIL and said friends.
The thought of her muscling in on just about the only extended period of time we get as a family together is actually making me feel ill this morning. I have so much anger at the way she has treated dh and SIL especially in recent years that I am not sure I will be able to keep civil either on the holiday if it happens or in the run-up to it.
Although she won't be in our flat if she does come there is already a clear expectation that she will expect to be included in outings etc, as she is not driving to the destination.
Can't enlist the cousins' help as they were brought up together, so cousins have lingering fondness for MIL (especially as they don't spend much time with her), but at the same time one cousin can a bit of a sly stirrer and would love to hear and spread it around that I was unhappy about MIL visiting.
Dh is despondent too, but I cannot sound off frankly to him either as it will only add to the difficult time he is having at the mo. I have been forthright about her tactics in the past and I know it has upset him :(
What can I do? I am feeling quite murderous about it right now. How can I not let this wreck our holiday? :(
I cope with her most of the time by keeping her at arm's length.

OP posts:

Bink · 30/05/2006 14:45

My thoughts keep coming back to you, Marina.

Here is my big main generalising tip for dealing with this kind of sideswiping ambushing wrong-footing sort of person - which I've been reminded of by hatcreature's reminder to have your excuses ready - do not be pushed into giving answers on the spot, ever. Make constant use of "we'll have to have a think about that" and similar.

Oh, I wish I was going to be near you then. I would be delighted to do some poison-deflecting/absorbing, whatever is required.

Hoopoe · 30/05/2006 16:39

Marina, would she want to actually stay with you or would she be close by? If she's close by you can always be busy, if she wants to stay, you can bring a friend so there's no room.

This is definitely not the same scenario, but it worked for me. When I just started going out with an xp, we went to Paris for a romantic weekend. One of his friends (who was a revolting letch) decided he'd come too and hopped on the Eurostar! I was gobsmacked. But we just kept 'missing him' and managed to dodge him for the whole weekend. He never did it again.

NotQuiteCockney · 30/05/2006 16:51

Marina, can you claim your sister is coming? Or visiting for a bit? Her plans can always change at the last minute. (Or has your MIL failed to notice your sister cutting her down to size?)

What a nightmare.

motherinferior · 30/05/2006 16:56

Marina, I too keep coming back to this thread; I'm furious on your behalf. You get so little time together, and the old expletive deleted is now doing this.

Is a letter possible, saying politely that given various health problems (euphemism a gogo the way to go perchance) you're feeling the need for some family privacy this year and you know she'll understand...?

BTW think my own behaviour on recent IL visit has precipated Permanent Family Feud

foundintranslation · 30/05/2006 17:08

Marina, I too think a letter is a good idea - then you won't have to take the fallout immediately.
I'm afraid that my experiences with my parents have caused me to lose a lot of my diplomacy. I would really go for the politely phrased, but very direct, explanation that the holiday is private family time and she will not be able to be included in plans. As I said earlier, it might just aklso make her wonder why.

Oh dear MI - what happened?

motherinferior · 30/05/2006 17:09

FIT, won't go into detail here, but mixture of expectation of hospitality and behaviour which did not meet those expectations.

foundintranslation · 30/05/2006 17:10

Oh dear - sorry. :( FWIW I can empathise.

tamum · 30/05/2006 17:26

Marina, just seen this- I am so sorry, and can completely and utterly relate to how you are feeling. Are you there for a fortnight, and is she? If not, do you get the last week to yourselves? I think the only way to bear this is to break it down into manageable chunks, and arrange days out that she can't muscle in on in advance, so that you know exactly what you're dealing with. If she is planning a fortnight then cancel one of your weeks and go somewhere else. I have no idea where and when you are going, but if it's near Dorset in the first half of August then you can a) come and spend a day or two "with" us but in reality on all or mostly en famille (actually you could do that any time if you like come to think of it!) or b) come and use our house while we're away, Beaches not so good here unless the weather is great though, I realise :)

Original poster

Marina · 12/06/2006 12:15

We are currently taking the chicken's way forward and not ringing her to find out how she got on. We've just had a super week away elsewhere which has also helped...
Cancelling would be difficult really...we are renting from family and our reasons for doing so would be very obvious.
Will let you know what finally transpires. If she does end up down there with us then we do have to say something, I think. But thanks for all insights :)

OP posts:

LadySherlockofLGJ · 12/06/2006 12:17

Had been wondering how you were getting on.

Original poster

Marina · 12/06/2006 12:40

Head firmly in sand LGJ
But excellent week in France has simultaneously made me chill about the old monster AND firmed my resolve not to let her mess up our main holiday :)

OP posts:

joelalie · 12/06/2006 12:48

Hi Marina,

sorry, I know this is a little late. But I would advise you to tell her as straight as possible that she isn't welcome. Tell her asap too. You really don't want to feel forced to stay away from your holiday base all the time just so you can avoid her. It's simply not relaxing. We had a similar problem last summer with my mum and dad - they are really lovely but it's still a bit wearing having to accomodate other people on your precious family holiday. We didn't feel that our 'home away from home' was a home at all. I ended up feeling like a teenager that has to sneak out to get away from mum and dad!! We had to take the bull by the horns and explain that we wanted to go on our own this year - felt awful but it was OK and essential to our sanity.

And the babysitting wouldn't be any good if you weren't happy leaving the kids with the poisonous woman.

Good luck!

harrisey · 12/06/2006 13:03

marina, just wanted to add my sympathy. THis is your time and its just not fair her wanting to muscle in on it. Our house (in the wilds of Scotland) is free in August but its a long way to travel and the midges can be a bit fierce.
Here's hoping you get this sorted.
I also have a depressed dh and have finally got him to see the doc and take something, but its not working yet. he needs to talk too but cant get him to go and see anyone.

frogs · 12/06/2006 13:14

Marina, if you can see Wales from where you're going then you're perhaps going to be near us, no? We spend large parts of the summer in North Devon, so will be available for bile deflection, should you need assistance...

joelalie · 12/06/2006 13:19

I wondered about that. We're in mid/west somerset and can see Wales too.

sunnydelight · 13/06/2006 11:49

I just wanted to send LOTS AND LOTS OF SYMPATHY. We have cancelled our planned trip to France this Summer because of MIL's insistence on being there at the same time as us and lots of manipulative stuff so I really feel for you.

Original poster

Marina · 13/06/2006 11:53

sunnydelight, that is dreadful, I am so sorry :(
Whatever happens, we won't be cancelling. I am hoping that dh's stunned, underwhelmed silence when she announced her intentions might have permeated even her rhino hide.
Joelalie, frogs - you're right. N Devon coast - frogs may remember her incredulity from last year as to dh's chosen route to get there

OP posts:

Original poster

Marina · 14/06/2006 08:51

Final update!
She's not going when we are! Phew.
There is a fabulous poetic justice at work - she moved the date to coincide with a friend's daughter's wedding down that way and has now been informed she is not on the guest list (not the friend's decision, daughter is an arriviste Bridezilla and doesn't want anyone old or ugly in the photos apparently). HA!
Thank you all ever so much for insights and offers of alternative holidays :). It was impossible to vent anywhere else - my own mother tells me off for disloyalty and then adds "but she is appalling and I don't know how you put up with her".

OP posts:

Bink · 14/06/2006 09:22

Hurray!! - and emphatic Hurray at the poetic justice. Wonderful.

Freckle · 14/06/2006 09:22

That's good news. Now you can really look forward to your holiday and enjoy it when you are there.

Bink · 14/06/2006 09:23

Presumably Bridezilla merits a particularly elaborate silver plated cake slice.

katierocket · 14/06/2006 09:23

Excellent news Marina.

Frenchgirl · 14/06/2006 09:27

wow Marina, I hadn't seen this thread before, sounds like you had a lucky escape!!
love the 'arriviste bridezilla', lol

Bugsy2 · 14/06/2006 09:47

Hurray - no spoilt holiday! So incredibly glad - sounds like your MIL met her match with Bridezilla!

Original poster

Marina · 14/06/2006 10:43

MIL has always fawned rather on Bridezilla - to us at any rate. Must not gloat...

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