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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How to deter MIL from even thinking of holidaying near us

84 replies

Marina · 30/05/2006 11:11

All advice welcome, long, sorry.
This year we are renting a holiday flat as usual from dh's mother's cousins. They run a small business and live on-site so we get to see family without anyone feeling pressure to socialise 24/7. They are a pretty nice couple, so are their adult children living nearby, it has been great the past two years to catch up with them a bit and the holidays have been really successful on all fronts.
This year MIL has suddenly announced her intention to ask to visit the cousins for a holiday at the same time as we are there. It doesn't seem to have occurred to her to even get dh's opinion on this.
MIL is a deeply horrible person IMO and has got much more distant/spiteful with age. She witters on about loving her grandchildren but you can tell it is all front. She is catty about SIL and her few remaining friends to us and I expect about us to SIL and said friends.
The thought of her muscling in on just about the only extended period of time we get as a family together is actually making me feel ill this morning. I have so much anger at the way she has treated dh and SIL especially in recent years that I am not sure I will be able to keep civil either on the holiday if it happens or in the run-up to it.
Although she won't be in our flat if she does come there is already a clear expectation that she will expect to be included in outings etc, as she is not driving to the destination.
Can't enlist the cousins' help as they were brought up together, so cousins have lingering fondness for MIL (especially as they don't spend much time with her), but at the same time one cousin can a bit of a sly stirrer and would love to hear and spread it around that I was unhappy about MIL visiting.
Dh is despondent too, but I cannot sound off frankly to him either as it will only add to the difficult time he is having at the mo. I have been forthright about her tactics in the past and I know it has upset him :(
What can I do? I am feeling quite murderous about it right now. How can I not let this wreck our holiday? :(
I cope with her most of the time by keeping her at arm's length.

OP posts:
Bugsy2 · 30/05/2006 12:04

Ok, so she doesn't "do walking", is therefore unlikely to do cycling or any vigourous activity. I think you have definitely got to get the picnic baskets packed & for for days on the bicycles. Even if you don't get very far, at least you will have escaped from her.
I think using her as a babysitter is a top idea too. Say you are so thrilled by her thoughtfulness to let you & dh have some much needed time together.
Don't worry about her poisoning the children, she can't do much damage while babysitting in the evenings.

FioFio · 30/05/2006 12:04

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katierocket · 30/05/2006 12:07

oh Marina how horrible for you. I think you have to hope she won't go but if she does do not let her ruin your holiday, stand up to her if she starts. Also, could you mention that you don't think she'll be able to come on outings as not enough room in the car (or is that a bit lame).

zippitippitoes · 30/05/2006 12:13

if she goes put sorbitol in all her food, should keep her out of the way

Original poster
Marina · 30/05/2006 12:15

Fraid so Fio. He is seeing the GP after I forced his hand, at least, but we still get these awful moments and I cope with it in a very scared and uncaring fashion Blush Sad Why won't they see counsellors - or in your dh's case, their GP? Argh, massive sympathies.
Katie, we are covered car-wise as we are safety geeks and have even ds in a socking great stage 3 car seat, plus a not large saloon, so we can't fit her in :) But, it's a beach holiday, we are right by the beach, so will inevitably be sitting targets if the weather is good.

OP posts:
Original poster
Marina · 30/05/2006 12:16

zippi, it would be strychnine if I thought I had any chance of getting away with it...

OP posts:
dinosaure · 30/05/2006 12:18

Aaaaaarrrrrgggghhhhh! on your behalf.

Play lots of beach cricket and go rock-climbing?

How does DH feel about her being there? Could you leave him and her to have a chat every so often, and go off somewhere yourself with the kids? I know that seems a bit of a shame when it's meant to be your precious family time together, though.

FioFio · 30/05/2006 12:21

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Original poster
Marina · 30/05/2006 12:26

Mine is a southern softie but shares your dh's views on counselling. He is on ADs but a very low dose, the price we all paid to get him to consider them at all I think :(
Life eh Fio...
Dino, one of the things I try and organise for dh when we are away is a chance to do some fishing, which he loves and rarely gets time to do otherwise. So, unfortunately, it may be me left with MIL if I am not careful. Dh is so down at the mo I don't think I can even coax him towards a strategy using all these helpful ideas...but I can bear them in mind :)

OP posts:
TheHonArfy · 30/05/2006 12:30

oh Marina very sorry to hear about your DH
have been coping with my DH's depression for a long time, luckily he is mostly good at the moment thanks to being referred to the mental health team and having some CBT and also having DD which has helped a lot.

I am sure MILs sense when things are bad and weigh in on purpose - mine certainly used to chip in with something helpful just when DH was feeling most down. it's infuriating when they won't help themselves too....

If she's already a PITA, is there any merit in just taking a deep breath and saying you need family time and she can come on a couple of excursions but that's it? Or can't you face it, especially if DH isn't going to help....

Bink · 30/05/2006 12:49

I don't have any advice yet as I've only just seen this, and all the good ideas so far ... but after a mull, if there is anything I can add I will so.

In meantime, I just wanted to add sympathies. It seems like a really horrible snare, and by someone who it sounds like really savours a good ambush. Ratbag.

LadySherlockofLGJ · 30/05/2006 12:52

Tell her the area you are going to still has a foot and mouth exclusion zone, and seeing has how she is such a cow, she could be in severe danger. Grin

dinosaure · 30/05/2006 12:52

Oh Marina, you being left alone with MIL sounds like the worst of all possible worlds Sad...

Blackduck · 30/05/2006 12:53

snigger.....

Blackduck · 30/05/2006 12:53

That was at LadyS BTW..

Original poster
Marina · 30/05/2006 12:58

I did wonder there for a mo blackduck Grin
Nice one LGJ. If that doesn't get her then maybe swine vescular disease will...
Thanks all, so much. Really helpful to offload and get some potentially good deterrent ideas :)
Feeling less bleak about it now

OP posts:
Tortington · 30/05/2006 13:01

give her your kids for a week.

Bink · 30/05/2006 13:03

Do either of you or dh have a blunt and forthright type friend ("X") that MIL has been frank about her dislike of in the past? Can you let it be known that X is coming with you & you're all looking forward so much to spending lots of time with him/her?

(Might taking X with you actually be a nice idea? We have smoothed the flow of quite a few family get-togethers by having third parties there.)

Tortington · 30/05/2006 13:16

hay marina - depending on how exotic the holiday ( and providing its not in wales) i will be your outragous freind. tek yer MI out fer a pint of bitter, slot machines, rollercoaster ride, more beer, and some strippers.

Original poster
Marina · 30/05/2006 13:42

Custy, I can confidently say that no-one in my circle of nice quiet librarian pals would come close to you in shocking the pants off MIL. If it were not for the fact that you can see Wales from where we are staying, plus I have too high a regard for you to put you through this, I would definitely take you up on it Grin
Maybe I can e-mail her some of your best postings and say you are coming with us...
Bink, the person who is best at cutting MIL down to size (perfectly politely of course) is my sister. Unfortunately she now refuses to be in the same room as MIL and I can hardly blame her :)

OP posts:
Original poster
Marina · 30/05/2006 13:43

Plus MIL shows only vestigial interest in any of our friends. Plenty of them dislike her though - often on the basis of just the one meeting.

OP posts:
motherinferior · 30/05/2006 13:51

Oh Marina, sweetie, I've only just seen this. And as I am undergoing my own Inlaw Fallout I fear I have nothing constructive to add except massive sympathy.

I'm fairly sure that other MNers can find a suitably devious exit strategy if anyone can, though.

Ring me any time.xx

bubble99 · 30/05/2006 13:54

This is a crap situation.Sad Sorry to hear about this, Marina. I think you've got two options, you'll need to either lie or insult her, neither of which is appealing. I hope you can get this sorted out soon.

thewomanwhothoughtshewasahat · 30/05/2006 14:12

much sympathy - cna you make fake bookings for all the loval catteries? or is that immoral. I t would be ok if you paid for them all, but probably a bit expensive. A good tip for establishing the way in which joint hols will progress is to work on the assumption that you are not doing joint activities. eg in conversation of an evening "what are your plans for tomorrow" in a tone that makes quite clear her plans are nothing to do with yours. "we were thinking, that maybe on the Saturday you'd like to join us for dinner" ie the rest of the time you can sort your own dinner out. "we're going to x for the day. would you like to meet us there for tea?" ie we'll tolerate your company over a scone or two but not all day. If you take control in this way you give the impression of making an effort and being inviting, when in fact doing the opposite. The only problem is she might be the type to try to get in on the bigger act, by asking direct qs to which you need to say no - so have your line carefully planned (kids want to do x, terribly boring; it's a long drive, not very comfortable for all of us in the car) In fact that gives me another idea - does she fit easily in your car? if the answer is yes can you engineer having a smaller car for the week. not great for holiday I know but if she can't fit, maybe it's worth not bing able to bring all the deck chairs

BettySpaghetti · 30/05/2006 14:16

Poor you!

I think I'd be tempted to tell her that its a shame you won't see much of her when shes there as you've already pre-booked days at the local climbing centre/mountain biking school/ watersports centre etc and would lose your deposits if you cancelled now.

Hope you get it sorted