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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What do I do?

30 replies

PinkPlum · 15/06/2013 12:21

Hi everyone
Recently split with DH after a v difficult patch which resulted in him cheating. We have 2 DC's together and my little DD is really struggling. She constantly asks after him, tells me she is missing him and desperately wants him to be living with us. She sees him every week but it does not seem to make it any better for her. It is absolutely heartbreaking to see. What do I do? Should I try couples counselling with him before I totally break up our family? I know a lot of people will say it was him who broke up our family (which is true) but all I care about is my baby's happiness. DS is too young to be v affected but DD is fully aware. Do I put my feelings and what has happened behind us for her sake? Thanks for reading x

OP posts:
FringeEvent · 15/06/2013 12:23

How old is DD?

StuffezLaYoni · 15/06/2013 12:25

Your little girl can't be happy without a happy mum.
What's his attitude towards it all? Is he making excuses for the cheating?

meditrina · 15/06/2013 12:28

Do not have him back unless you are absolutely sure you want to reconcile and have this man in your future.

Counselling (individually, as well as couples) might help you through any remaining. Issues and allow you to reach the right decision. Some couples do get through, but it's the far harder course. And a half-cocked return to cohabitation before you are utterly sure you want him and you are convinced that he is equally committed is a recipe for unhappiness.

It would be better to find ways to help your DC deal with their lives as they are right now than to make a precipitate change for the wrong reasons. The only right reason is because you really want DH, can forgive him and really make a go of it. Do not set your true feelings aside.

Original poster
PinkPlum · 15/06/2013 12:39

Thanks for the replies.
DD will be 3 soon, is v smart and articulates her feelings v well.
DH does acknowledge he was wrong, wants to reconcile but unfortunately makes excuses for his behaviour.
I am having counselling at the moment and it has been v helpful to me to explore my feelings. I really feel torn as if it was just me I would erase him from my life but it is not just me and I can't bear to see DD suffer for our mistakes. She always comments and becomes sad at seeing other families with both parents together and I do not want to deprive her of this

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bragmatic · 15/06/2013 12:42

She will get over it. As long as you and your ex are civil to each other and support her and make sure that she doesn't pick up too much on any animosity then she will get over it. Even if you are currently doing all the right things, the initial stages are very tough for kids, regardless of their age.

How she is feeling is normal. Don't stay together because of the children.

Original poster
PinkPlum · 15/06/2013 12:46

I know you are right. I just feel so responsible :(

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MumnGran · 15/06/2013 12:55

You are responsible ....for ensuring that your children grow up in a happy home.
Only you know if your marriage is 'over'! It would seem that it is.
Staying together for the sake of the children is often the worse thing you can do for them, if it is going to result in years of living with two adults who are no longer in love and argue, fight, or just don't communicate. An unhappy home is far far worse to grow up in, than a single parent home that is happy and content.

Of course your three year old is upset at the change in her life, and is missing the routine she is used to with her father. She is three!
Should this dictate your adult choice of the best future for you all? Really!?!

Original poster
PinkPlum · 16/06/2013 16:54

MumnGran you are so right. I've learnt that today.

It was his contact day. We have a court order giving him 6hours on a Sunday at my house with me supervising. It was a disaster to say the least!

He came was abusive right away. Starting trying to take our tv claiming that he paid for it. I explained that this is the tv that his children watch. He didn't care. after this foloowed by him being quite nasty and horrible, even trying to kick me out of my own home (!) I told him that I no longer wanted him there and called my father. He was extremely abusive to my father and told poor DC's that it was all mummy's fault because she is horrible to daddy.

What a nightmare...

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Original poster
PinkPlum · 16/06/2013 16:55

I feel so sad that the children had to witness such nasty childish behaviour :(

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Original poster
PinkPlum · 16/06/2013 16:56

I feel so sad that the children had to witness such nasty childish behaviour :( but at least I am no longer in doubt as to whether I should keep trying for their sakes...

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mummytime · 16/06/2013 17:05

I am shocked that he has court ordered contact at your house. He needs to only have contact with them outside the house, may be with some one else supervising?
I would make a 101 call to log his behaviour today.

I would also suggest you move on with legal process.

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 16/06/2013 17:11

Sad that he had to behave that way in front of the children, but boy does it put paid to the wavering feelings, eh? Hmm

SolidGoldBrass · 16/06/2013 17:14

I don't think courts can insist that you let this man into your house. Contact can take place elsewhere, and you can arrange for a friend or relative to do the handovers so you don't have to deal with him at all.

Original poster
PinkPlum · 16/06/2013 17:36

Mummytime - thank you so much for the advice. Good idea about logging it with 101. I have just done that. He has a history of dv although on this occasion did not actually do anything like that, he was aggressive and v rude and nasty.

Yes the court order is a pain for me. Contact is to be supervised but I did not want to be the person to do the supervising ideally. He insisted that it is me on the basis that the children are so young and need their mother. I wish now I was not bound by the court order as I would prefer he see them at a contact centre for 2 hours at the weekend. He will no doubt reject this idea as the court order gives him 6 hours! Oh what a mess!

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Original poster
PinkPlum · 16/06/2013 17:45

Alice - yes it certainly does. I wish I never had to see him ever again. I do not know how this is possible though given that we have 2 DC's together :(

Solid - at the time he took me to court over the children I agreed for the contact to be that my house as I felt it would be more comfortable for the children to be in their own home. Now I do not ever want to allow him here again but feel bound by the order giving him 6 hours. I would not be comfortable with handing the children over to him and crossing my fingers he brings them back to me

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Walkacrossthesand · 16/06/2013 17:55

In the light of recent events, could you go back to court and ask for the order to be changed to 'contact centre' - you would take & collect and he would be supervised. Especially as he was the one who asked for contact to be at your house, but has shown by his behaviour that this is not appropriate.,,

MissMarplesBloomers · 16/06/2013 18:02

Yes agree get back to your solicitor PDQ & get anither court date in light oif his behaviour.

Pro tem could your parents or another family member come round to support you on access days so you don't have to speak to him.

Original poster
PinkPlum · 16/06/2013 18:04

Yes I would love to do that. That would be my ideal situation. However, all the contact centres in this area and surrounding seem to operate from 2 to 4 pm on a Saturday. While this works for me, I don't think he will agree to it as he currently gets 10 to 4 pm. So frustrating.

My dad (who absolutely hates him) thinks I should let him take the kids out from 10am to 4pm so that I do not have to be around him. I really do not feel comfortable doing this though.

What do I do?

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Original poster
PinkPlum · 16/06/2013 18:09

Thanks missmarples - all my family now hate him. And I really dislike his family too. When he was behaving badly today, I asked him to leave but then could see the children getting sad about him going and so I told him he could stay but I wanted my dad present. He rejected the idea calling my dad 'scum' (that hurt) and kicked off, eventually leaving. I really dislike this man

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Kernowgal · 16/06/2013 18:13

I think you are being extremely nice and accommodating to a man who is behaving like a complete twat. If this is how he behaves when he has them for six hours, I would suggest that it is time he "earned" the right to see his children, as it were, starting with the two hours at the contact centre on a Saturday and building up from there. I would also wager that your children will become reluctant to see him for six hours if this is how he behaves afterwards - they will associate his visits with arguments and nastiness.

Not having a go at all, by the way - you are a blooming marvel for putting up with his shit! But I think what he wants is not important here, no matter how much he shouts and throws his weight around. This is about him spending time with his kids; at the moment he's using them as another way to get at you.

I think the courts would take a very dim view of his behaviour. What an arsehole.

LEMisdisappointed · 16/06/2013 18:13

I think you need to go back to the courts, tomorrow if you can, until you are happy that you are not going to be threatened then no way can you allow him into your home, i should imagine that will be never - contact centre it is.

Please dont entertain being guilt tripped into have this man back - he doesn't care about his children, he is usin them to hurt you

What a cunt

AThingInYourLife · 16/06/2013 18:16

You go back to court and get rid of this offensive, dangerous contact order that forces you to spend 6 hours a week with a violent abuser.

Tough shit if he doesn't fancy a contact centre.

The best outcome will be if he gets on his high horse and refuses to go and then none of you have to see him again.

AThingInYourLife · 16/06/2013 18:19

Look, he's using your children to continue to control you.

Hence contact in your home, hence you having to be there, hence your Dad not being welcome.

Sort it out officially in such a way that you have no contact with him at all.

He is dangerous. You are at risk from him.

Original poster
PinkPlum · 16/06/2013 18:21

Kernowgal, LEM and aThing - thank you :) you are spot on. He is both an arsehole and a cunt.

Yes will be going back to the courts for sure I think. I am worried he will be allowed to take children and have unsupervised contact. I really hope this doesn't happen.

To top it off, he told me he had been cheating for a long time and I didn't realise and that when he said he was sorry and wanted to reconcile he was saying anything just to get what he wanted! Lovely bloke eh?

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Original poster
PinkPlum · 16/06/2013 18:23

AThing you are SO right. He is trying to control me. And he had the audacity to call me a control freak today!!

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