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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Relationships

I'm in pieces,,,Please give me your opinion on this Email from STBXH....

86 replies

shadesofwhite · 14/06/2013 18:31

I'm a complete emetional wreck and I'm in a womens refuge with my DD. I emailed STBXH and told him I'm not oppossed to him having contact with our DD however it has to be done through the court. Mind you I was given an ultimatum by SS after a series of DV reported by police, HV, GP and concerned friends and family members "to leave him or have DD taken to foster care". This is the reply I got..
Though I have had a daughter whom I love and I have not been able to enjoy her during much of her the infant years; to spend time with her and appreciate her wonderful company and give her my genuine love at this time; I know plainly and clearly that this was never my making, choice or desire. I do not merit to be told that I love and care for her by anyone in this world... And further since you feel it is your prerogative to keep her like your own possession, you can carry on doing so - I will not make any claim or plead in any way. Just know one thing, in all my life, I will never attend any court session to place my signature on any document or contract, to bequeath the rights of my own child to the state, to have any state body decide if or when I can have the privilege and opportunity to see DD. I will not be complicit to any such arrangement by a (edited racist word) judge in this land, to have the impudence of claiming to grant me authority or access to my own flesh and blood. She is our daughter, however, if you see it fit to keep her away from me, please carry on doing so but know that I will never attend any court to plead or beg for my own rights as a father. We are her sole parents and she deserves to see her father as much as you but nevertheless if you feel that her life solely belongs to you alone, then by all means keep her away from me, as you have. I will not request, beg or ask for that which is my right... NEVER, not from anyone!

Its upsetting me a lot and everytime I look at DD my eyes are flooded with tears, this man doesn't have a heart at all. Please help me not feel sorry for taking DD away from him .He a proud arrogant narcsist. Suggestions for reply to this email are much appreciated.

OP posts:

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corblimeymadam · 15/06/2013 08:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/06/2013 09:11

To me that reads like 'I'm so far up my own arse, I'm wearing my colon as an ankle bracelet....' Would take great pleasure in printing it out, setting light to it and flushing the ashes down the toilet.

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clam · 15/06/2013 09:23

"Long words, short willy" syndrome.

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shadesofwhite · 15/06/2013 11:07

cogito what a great idea!

Clam do you know him by any chance?! Took me ages to diagnose his problem, He surely has an extra small willy... You've made my day!

OP posts:

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Wellwobbly · 15/06/2013 14:13

Look at the projection.

He is really into daughter as a possession are, and RIGHTS! But blaming it all on you.

Horrible man. Stay away from him.

I would stick the knife in and tell him that unless he leaves you alone forever and pays CSA promptly and without a peep, you are going to let Company plc for whom he is an executive know that he beat his wife so badly she ended up in a hostel, and that social services will take your daughter away from you unless you leave him, he is deemed such a danger. Forward him the evidence you will supply company plc, too.

Leave him in no doubt that you WILL do this. Bullies HATE being exposed. That is a huge lever for you, Shades.

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mignonette · 15/06/2013 14:19

Block his emails too. Have no contact. Much love to you. Stay strong. Be the example of strength in womanhood you need to be for your child.

Good luck

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JadeMonkey · 15/06/2013 20:22

Ultimately, the message coming through loud and clear is he cares more about maintaining all the power and control than he does about his daughter. A reasonable, decent human being and father would be heartbroken at the thought of not seeing their child and would not hesitate to go through the appropriate channels to sort out formal contact.

Well done on leaving him, and stay strong :)!

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betterthanever · 15/06/2013 21:47

The end bit is not true anyway - it is not his right.... the child has the right to see him if they want to and it is safe to do so.. end of. As he has done to you what he has, you are concerned for your DD's safety which is your responsibility. Why do these people talk about their rights yet show no responsibility? Ignore - glad you are safe. I hope he means it and he will stay away from you.

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MsFanackerPants · 16/06/2013 06:25

I have seen numerous emails and letters like this from parents when working for social services. Predominantly from abusive men. They don't see the child as a child to be loved and protected and cared for but as something to control, that they have ownership of. And it really fucks them off when another parent or social services removes the child from an emotional or physically abusive situation because they've lost control. In fact many of them do have supervised contact arranged but can't be arsed to turn up for it because they cannot put their children's needs first. It is never ever about their child really, it's all about the abusive parent. It's a classic part of the abusive arsehole pattern.
Do not reply, do not feel sorry for him, do not think this is your fault. He's just told you he doesn't love his daughter enough to want to do what is best for her.

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pumpkinsweetie · 16/06/2013 06:51

Do not reply or respond in any way.
He is trying to regain yet more control over you.
Never contact him again, show ss you are still apart and don't show any care for him being a father, he gave that up when you had to go and live in a refuge.

Enjoy your new life free from him with your beautiful daughter.

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Inertia · 16/06/2013 19:45

Don't respond to him, or contact him. Ever. I don't know your backstory, but if the authorities have moved you and your child into a refuge with the threat of your child being fostered if you stayed with your partner, I bet they'd take a pretty dim view of you contacting him.

Ignore this email , save it to pass on to your solicitor when you have one. Ignore any further email he sends. And thank your lucky stars that he doesn't know where you are , and won't be able to control you anymore - and, most importantly, your child does not have to have contact with a violently abusive criminal.