to feel miffed at friend with new baby

[DonnaHayward]

I have namechanged (even though I'm not a prolific poster) because I know AIBU, and I'm ashamed to be feeling this way. I'm hoping MN can talk a bit of sense into me. Apologies for long post.

My BF and I have known each other since school, been close for 15 years, she's one of my favourite people in the world. We've supported each other through a lot of things. She had her first baby, a little boy, in Sept. I am afraid I've started to feel resentful about how our relationship has changed since her DS was born .

In the first few months, I was totally sympathetic to how much her life had changed, and tried to be both supportive and unobtrusive. Went to visit when invited, trying to make sure she knew I was always available with practical help without being demanding of her time etc., and completely happy to fit everything around her and her new DS. My problem is, I still feel like this is expected 9 months on, and I'm starting to get a bit fed up.

Her DS has routine which means she can't do anything after 6pm, including having people other than her and her DH in the house (as it is their family bonding time). I think this it lovely that they prioritise this, but must admit that it rules out almost all social activity, and is getting on my nerves now DS is 9 months old and not a tiny baby. My only opportunity to see them is weekend afternoons (I work FT), and with weekends being busy for both of us this means I've only seen her half a dozen times since DS arrived, always in or around their home.

I totally know, in this stage of her life, DS and DH come first, but I think what's upset me enough to post here is birthday plans. We are both 30 this year, and idly chatted lots in our 20s about having a big joint event. Obviously that couldn't happen in the way we'd fantasised when younger. She was unable to come to my birthday meal last month, as she can't be apart from DS in the evenings. Hers is in August, and plan is for a group of friends to get together in the park so 'we can all spend time with DS'.

Childish bit now - I want to say 'I'm not that fussed about time with DS, I want to hang out with you!'. I've been through a fair bit in the last 9 months (made redundant, splitting up with LTP), and I've really missed her - both as support and as someone to have fun with.

So... I know I'm being unreasonable, but as I don't have children, hoping you can show me some things from a parent's perspective, and help me to stop resenting a 9 month old baby

She sounds very precious but like previous posters said you may not know the whole story. Does her dh not cope without her? Maybe she doesn't trust him! Mad yes but quite commen if you read threads here.

Your lives are different now. You go out with your girl friends and enjoy. Stuff the park idea as that sounds awful. Book your own party.

I blush to remember how Pfb I was and how his routine was paramount to the point of life ruling. It's what parents do to survive or cope.

I am completely normal now!! Your friend may emerge soon and be normal again.

Donna - I havent read through the whole thread - but wanted to add my own experience. At 8 months it was still very difficult for me to leave my breastfed baby in the evening. I could never have imagined it beforehand, but he didn't take a bottle - and that meant that psychologically it was very difficult to walk away and relax with him at home. He was a terrible sleeper and would go to bed at 7 but wake frequently before midnight, screaming his head off to be breastfed. Now - personally I couldn't cope and did some sleep training and stopped breastfeeding - but even then, it was probably 10 months before I could do much without him in the evening.

Also - if she is ebf and feeding on demand I can promise you she is probably a broken woman by now! it was the most incredibly draining thing I have ever done. I could not go out, I didn't want to go out - I was barely sleeping, feeding two, three times a night - until about 9 months - I was sobbing myself to sleep!

She is trying to have a party where you can meet him because she can't really be apart from him - breastfeeding for the first year if you are very committed to it, can really mean you can't make big plans without baby.

She could be lonely, tired and sad but not in a position to tell you all that - I think 'bonding time' in the evening is just an easy way for her to explain her inability to get out.

A year is such a short time in a babies life - and in your friendship - within a few years she may be back to normal - if your friendship matters can you cope with that?

Why not tell her in an email that you would love some time treating her - could you take her out to dinner really near her house so she could pop back and BF? Or bring her a take away to her home?

do not underestimate the evil, evil impact of sleep deprivation on a persons life and character....

oh - just to add - I so, so agree about how dispiriting it is to have friends over when you have a baby who wont settle in the evening, I know it sounds silly but it is mortifying to constantly leave the room to rock/ shhh /feed your baby yet again .....I hated having people round over bedtime /evening until he was sleeping really well. and that was at about a year....

I would tense up at the thought that they would be looking at my mad bedtime routine, DS would pick up on my tension, would cry more , I would often be in tears in his room while my friends sat in the living room...aaaargh....horrible memories.

give her a break.......but I do think suggesting a drink near her house is a good plan, but only if you dont mind if she says no

I am a single mum with an 8 month old breastfed baby and YANBU as far as I am concerned. It's not very easy for me to go out in the evenings as can't afford a babysitter and my parents live 150 miles away, but I do (sometimes) and for important things I will arrange something - I have friends I can ask with enough notice, or mum can come and stay. And I have people over for dinner quite a lot and have for a good few months now. But I suppose I have made an effort to put him to bed at 7 since he was 6 weeks old precisely because I wanted to ensure I could have my evenings, to be able to cook myself dinner and to be able to have a bit of a life again eventually. Even though he was waking every 2/3 hours until he was 6 months old. I did express and give him a bottle from quite early on as I had to go back to work when he was 2 months old, so I suppose that also makes a difference.
I don't really recognise the broken woman description I am thankful to say... maybe it is easier being on your own as it turns out! I don't mind the broken sleep too much either, though I am looking forward to getting an 8 hour stretch again at some point!
I agree with pp who said you are just in different places for the moment. You go out and have a wild time for your birthday and put up with the park baby cooing thing for hers. Then maybe suggest a different thing you can do together, just the 2 of you. With some notice I am sure she will be able to arrange something, even it's a bit later.
You will end up close again - may just take a bit of time.

I breastfeed my DD and she just cluster feed every evening. Plus being a parent can be quite tiring. I remember wanting to be in my pjs and relaxing in front of the TV with my DH.

This meant I couldn't go out as it became a bit unpredictable knowing when she will wake up for a feed so I decided to just focus on my girl until I started weaning her, then I would go out. She wouldn't take the bottle :(

I don't think I would have stopped people coming over after 6pm. But I did hate uninvited guests because some evenings I would be exhausted as my baby didn't sleep well so it meant that I needed the odd early night. I had my friends over for tea but just confirmed on the day in the morning just to make sure I wasn't sleep deprived!

I'm just thinking maybe your friend is aleays tired in the evenings, does she have a difficult baby? or simply having trouble leaving her baby? I don't think it will be too long till she makes some changes. I couldn't do without seeing my friends I would find that difficult.

I understand your frustrations but I also feel for your friend.

I didn't go out in the evening until DS was 8 or 9 months (and it was a disaster the first time... and a few times after that!)

9 months is a typically very clingy age.

At 9 months, my life was :

Get up, BF DS, go to work, come home, BF DS, try to get him to bed, fail, cry, eventually get him to sleep (cot or co-sleeping after many many attempts), get up to him 6 - 8 times a night, BF him back to sleep, ...

My evenings solely consisted of trying to get DS to sleep (I'm am not exagerating unfortunately - I was lucky if I got to eat without him on my lap)

Exhausted does not cover how I felt when DS was 9 months old. I cried a lot

I had no social life without DS (eg. playdates at the weekend) until DS was 15 months, except for a couple of meals out with DH whilst my parents babysat (we were out max 1.5 - 2 hours).

I don't have many friends anyway, but I prioritised DH whenever I had a spare moment when I wasn't at work or with a clingy baby.

Until 13 months DS would not go to sleep unless BF. Believe me, I tried.

I would never invite someone over in the evening because I would not have any spare energy to talk to them. I'd also feel very judged (particularly by a childfree friend) by the fact that DS was, to be fair, a nightmare to get down to sleep.

We now know it was reflux, but until 12 months, he would regularly wake up within 20 - 30 minutes of being put to bed, then at least once more before 10pm, then another 4 - 6 times in the night...not something I wanted someone else to see. I didn't want well-meaning "advice" either!

I also would not have invited friends

Oh I also have to agree with waterrat, one occasion it was really hard to settle DD when my friend was round. It can get difficult to the point that you might as well end the evening! Luckily that only happened once for me .....maybe her baby is difficulty to handle in the evening - just a thought.

You sound very nice and very understanding.
Here is what I think is happening: your friend is having a much harder time than she is letting on. "family time" is not a choice, it is something that is imposed on her by exhaustion or crazy cluster feeding or both. I don't think she is choosing to sit in a dimly lit room gazing at her calmly sleeping baby while holding hands with her dh and wearing a long white floaty dress.

You say that you and she have both been very supportive of each other. In the light of this you might want to make some overtures that hint that she can, if she wants, open up to you more than she has done so far, and you can guess it is not all dappled sunshine and gurgling smiles. I think that it sounds as if she is so used to being nice, in a friendship, that she is not cued up to say "yes, I could see more of you, but it would have to be at my house, it would have to be while the baby feeds, and I can't cook for you, and I won't be able to dress up, and I might not have anything fun or interesting to say, and at a certain point well before midnight I will not physically be able to stay awake any more and you will have to call a cab because honestly I have no spare energy to make up a bed for you either". Are you prepared to put up with that? Do you want to be her friends on those terms? If so, let her know, and she will love you for ever. It doesn't sound like something she is prepared to be demanding enough to ask.

YANBU op-nearly all my friends with kids have become like this.Its so boring to hear the oh no I couldn't possible leave them them with their father-and I am talking about friends who youngest kids are 3!

I love my dcs to bits but I always value time for myself,not as a mother and it pisses me off that I try to be a supportive friend and I get very little back.

But not all babies are difficult some babies are easy.It shouldnt be painted on here as doom and gloom.To me she is using the baby as an exscuse to get out of the friendship.

It will get to the point where she will want to go out but wont have any friends left to go out with.I love my time out wiht out teh kids you need to recharge your batteries.And to be fair the babies 8 months not a newborn she should be able to go out for a while.

Yanbu - My best friend is exactly like that. Only, her family bonding time extends to the weekends too. Which means that the only times I can see her is if her husband has gone without her to see mates/family or work has a rare weekend shift ( this is the only times she ever picks up the phone to invite me around - or asks to see her in town if she is fed up with being at home)

In order for me to see her, I need to take time off from work, and go to her home, 1 1/2 hours drive away (or meet her in central London 1 1/2 hour away by bus tube/train). She works 4 days per week now.
It is not even possible to meet her for a quick drink after work, she must go straight home.

I think I have seen her twice in the last year. (Aside from some major event like first holy communion (my ds1s) and a Christening (her dcs)

My friends baby is now 18 months old. She is expecting her second soon, I expect I will see even less of her then.

Your friend is lightweight compared to mine! Although I am not sure I can call her best friend any more.

When DD was 8 months, she started sleeping through most nights, by the official definition of 5 hours of unbroken sleep. Yep, from 7pm until midnight around 5 nights a week she would sleep soundly before waking every 45 minutes for the rest of the night. So my only chance for sleep was those 5 hours. Pizza and a video at my house was roughly the equivalent of an all-night party on a work night.

DS at that age was different. He slept fine between midnight and 4am, but woke up every 45 minutes before and after that point. For around a year I couldn't watch a TV programme longer than half an hour the whole way through. Again, going out was a pretty miserable experience.

I was very lucky as my childfree best friend understood that I wasn't freezing her out, but that it was genuinely very hard to find time together that allowed for her work and my childcare commitments. I made it clear to her that even though we only met up occasionally, she was pretty much the only person I managed to see at all, and I found time for her when I could. We met up less frequently, and both made other friends who we could see with less hassle, but we are still very close. My youngest is 3 and I am starting to get back out into the world, and if I go out anywhere she is the first person I invite out with me.

I think that if you want the friendship to carry on, you have to be honest about how you are feeling, and do some communicating, and so does your friend. Even with a high need baby, there are things you can do - taking the baby for a nap/walk together, meeting for Sunday lunch at a pub with a play area, picnic in the park, bring and share lunch at her house, meeting up at the library etc. She might not be able to do all of those things, depending on her kid, but she could probably manage something that fits in with the baby. At least half her attention will probably be on the baby, but she will be like that for everyone.

You sound like a good, caring friend, and I hope your friendship gets back.on track soon.

OP - just checking - your other friends have been supporting YOU through your hard time, right?

OP - I am going through exactly the same thing with my BF and her not-even-born-yet grandchild. I have been ceremoniously dumped I think and I am hurt and upset! I know how you feel.

OP, I think you are being a lovely friend, and, as others have said, I am totally in awe of mothers with exceptionally demanding babies.

I think curryeater makes a very good point. What follows is written with hindsight, that wipes out the worst memories and makes most things look better. But here goes:

Several of my best friends had babies while I was still being a (rather self-absorbed and careless/carefree) student. I saw more of them than you are seeing of your friend, but, I think, it was almost always in company with their DCs (walks to park or even just to corner shop, chats while bathing baby etc etc). They were very generous to invite me to join them; I felt privileged to be allowed to share in this new phase of their lives. We spoke - with many interruptions - of what mattered to us at the time; they told me about their DCs and DHs, I probably wittered on about my latest boyfriends or the university. But it was clear to all of us that, for a while, their DCs simply HAD to come first. If they wanted to see me for just a quick cup of tea while the baby was asleep, that was explained without any awkwardness and no-one minded. I think nearly all of us are still good friends, many, many years later.

Wthout knowing your friend, I hesitate to make any suggestions, but would she perhaps like to see a couple of group photos of your 30th birthday party with a little note from you and all her old chums, or be sent a slice or two of your birthday cake, just to show that you and your friends are thinking of her, and want to keep in touch?? Again I hesitate, but is there anything that you can offer to do to help her - either now or later? (When friends' DCs were older, I sometimes babysat, or built lego or bricks or read stories etc etc). My friends had the lovely DCs, but the childless me had spare time and energy and freedom. Is there any way - without interfering or being intrusive - that you can tactfully offer to put your free time, energy etc at your friend's disposal, if ever she needs them?

I don't think it is "controlling or martyrish" to not leave your baby, even with its father, if you have tried it and it led to hysterical, unremitting crying from your baby until you (and your boobs) came back home.
At one year, I will leave him overnight now and then, they do not stay the same forever.

Yanbu - very odd - actually I went out on my own within each baby at around 6 weeks - much easier as DH was in - so good to have occasional evening off. And that was with full breastfeeding - just fed before I went out - fine for a couple of hours.Time to find new friends. By 7 months I was back at work and left them overnight with DH occasionally) but that would be harder if bf-ing)..... Odd to not have night out at 9 months. Unless no partner and no other babysitter - but then odd not to have friends round??

I have 2 kids under 3.

I have lost nearly all interest in the sort of nights out I used to enjoy before children;

1- Most days I get a 2 min shower at most if at all, ie, it is hard to fit in time for basic hygiene!

2- I am all lumps and bumps and don't have nice clothes that fit anymore

3- I have very little disposable cash

4- I can not risk a hangover with looking after the kids

5- I am permanently knackered as usually up 2-3 x per night

6- I am exhausted by permanently by entertaining or watching the kids. It's a 12-13hrs day starting at 5 some days when I don't get a break to have a hot cup of tea alone until DH comes home

I used to find it very hard to relax when the DC are left with anyone, but less so now.

It is utterly relentless raising kids and I didn't breastfeed or have particularly difficult babies.

It is maybe possible that your friend does not confide all of her new life with you as the expectation is that being a new mum is like floating happily on a cloud.

9 months is a hard age her baby is probably cruising and pulling up and at this stage you need eyes on the back of your head.

Things just change. I think if your friend goes back to work you may get some of her back but otherwise I would wait till her baby is about 2, unless of course she has another.

3 years in I honestly don't have any childless or single friends. It's just been my reality I'm afraid. Way different.

YABU. Haven't read the whole thread but you clearly have no idea what being a parent can be like for some people. Get a life that doesn't just revolve around this friend! I think it's great that she prioritises her son and doesn't want to compromise how she feeds him to fulfil your need to go out. Her life has moved on and yours hasn't. I think you're jealous and unfulfilled.

YANBU, I don't relate to any of the issues your bf has

Mind you I was back out on the town when dd was 11 weeks so maybe I am not the best person to comment!! And I was bf but left some expressed milk with my mum. I was given some advice when pregnant that the baby has to fit into your life not the other way round!!

Not sure what you can do though, probably just go with it and feel sad that your friendship will probably never be the same. Sorry.

wibblypig-and I think that loads of posters on here sound like they are martyr mummies. Rude?-yes just like you were...

Wibbly that last remark was really horrid and uncalled for - the OP has admitted that she had no idea what being a parent is like, and demonstrated really sympathetic feelings towards her friend. She came on here to ask for advice - not to be slagged off. She seems really kind and will probably be able to pick this friendship up again in a few years - it just has to go on the back burner for a while.

Nicolaeus: how did you work out it was reflux? DS2 is exactly the same and I have not slept longer than 3 hours at a time in 14 months...

You might not know much about what it is really going on. I excluded the world and probably people thought I was being precious. The reality was my exH was (is) an alcoholic and I was too afraid to leave him alone with the baby. I didn't want to tell anyone his problems either, I was still naively of the opinion that he would recover. So I battled on, projecting this mirage of a perfect life to the world. Stupid really, I know. Luckily is now my exDH and I tell people what it was really like.

Could leave DD1 at that age (although was always knackered) but not DD2 due to ebf and her being a poor sleeper in the evenings, and hated people coming round for reasons others have described, didn't want them to judge how we handled things.

Before I had DC I thought, a bit like the OP, that it'd be tough for six months or so, after which I'd get on top of things and begin to get "my life" (as it had been) back. Didn't quite work out like that!