to feel miffed at friend with new baby

[DonnaHayward]

I have namechanged (even though I'm not a prolific poster) because I know AIBU, and I'm ashamed to be feeling this way. I'm hoping MN can talk a bit of sense into me. Apologies for long post.

My BF and I have known each other since school, been close for 15 years, she's one of my favourite people in the world. We've supported each other through a lot of things. She had her first baby, a little boy, in Sept. I am afraid I've started to feel resentful about how our relationship has changed since her DS was born .

In the first few months, I was totally sympathetic to how much her life had changed, and tried to be both supportive and unobtrusive. Went to visit when invited, trying to make sure she knew I was always available with practical help without being demanding of her time etc., and completely happy to fit everything around her and her new DS. My problem is, I still feel like this is expected 9 months on, and I'm starting to get a bit fed up.

Her DS has routine which means she can't do anything after 6pm, including having people other than her and her DH in the house (as it is their family bonding time). I think this it lovely that they prioritise this, but must admit that it rules out almost all social activity, and is getting on my nerves now DS is 9 months old and not a tiny baby. My only opportunity to see them is weekend afternoons (I work FT), and with weekends being busy for both of us this means I've only seen her half a dozen times since DS arrived, always in or around their home.

I totally know, in this stage of her life, DS and DH come first, but I think what's upset me enough to post here is birthday plans. We are both 30 this year, and idly chatted lots in our 20s about having a big joint event. Obviously that couldn't happen in the way we'd fantasised when younger. She was unable to come to my birthday meal last month, as she can't be apart from DS in the evenings. Hers is in August, and plan is for a group of friends to get together in the park so 'we can all spend time with DS'.

Childish bit now - I want to say 'I'm not that fussed about time with DS, I want to hang out with you!'. I've been through a fair bit in the last 9 months (made redundant, splitting up with LTP), and I've really missed her - both as support and as someone to have fun with.

So... I know I'm being unreasonable, but as I don't have children, hoping you can show me some things from a parent's perspective, and help me to stop resenting a 9 month old baby

[vvviola]

Ah yes Jessica, I see what you mean. Yes, maybe we should speak out more and talk about how hard it can be (and now that I'm coming out the other side, I'm starting to a bit - I'm back doing a postgrad and I particularly like sharing 'horror stories' with the younger members of my class - they think I'm some sort of superhuman )

That said, when you are faced with some of the attitudes I've read on this thread, well, you begin to question yourself and wonder if you are just a bad parent/friend/person.

I'm lucky in that I found great daycare who have been brilliant with DD and DH, who is far from inept (!), takes her at weekends to let me get a couple of hours if I need child-free time, but at night time, I'm pretty much the only option for her still. Although we do have a grand plan, she may be able to go to sleep by herself before she turns 18!

[pigletmania]

Forget did I say your dh was inept, no I am talking about my dh . Yes op friend does have her reasons for not maintaining the friendship, however another poster gave a good analogy, friendships are like plants they need watering and tending from time to time, if op is doing all the maintaining and the friend is no something will eventually give. Op does not have children so does not have much experience of how time consuming tey are, and cannot be expected to. Op has been very reasonable teir is only so much you can do

[JessicaBeatriceFletcher]

Sui - what would the point be of celebrating your 30th birthday a year or two later??? Sorry, but that sounds completely arbitrary to me!

What some people are missing in this is COMMUNICATION. Yes, there is nothing wrong with wanting to stay at home with baby if that's what you want and what the baby needs. Or because you're just too damn tired. But if you value your friends and would like them to still be your friends when you decide or you are able to socialise later down the road, TELL THEM what's going on.

[SuiGeneris]

Btw, the ringfenced family bonding time sounds unusual, it may be worth seeing whether you could visit for a quiet chat as long as you do not interfere with the baby's routine (personally am not a big stickler for routine but many people are).

FWIIW I would not offer to babysit. Well-meaning but childless friends without baby experience offer this thinking they are being helpful and generous, but it would be a very difficult offer to accept (and to refuse tactfully).

[rootypig]

YANBU. Get on with your life, and when she resurfaces in a few years wondering why she's never invited to parties, you can explain it to her then.

Sorry to be so harsh OP, but I have often been the person in a friendship longingly looking at the phone (for want of better image), and the best thing you can do is nurture other relationships. The nice thing about that is that this will then hurt less, fairly immediately. Shift your focus. She'll notice, and then you can say very nicely what you've said to us here.

[Cuddlydragon]

I'm sorry and I don't think YABU but I think you may have been re prioritised. It doesn't really matter what her thoughts are, it's how you wish to be treated. My DS is a little older but, I work full time, and any time when I'm not working I want to spend every moment with him. That's my choice, he is my favourite thing in the world. If hes asleep i crack on with chores so our time togther is fun time. The trade off for that is that I have chosen to not prioritise friendships, and to refuse invites. The consequence for that is that I've disappointed people, I've been a poor friend and I've lost friendships. The truth of the matter is that has been my choice, the trade off, if you like. I wouldn't change a thing though. Friends who choose to move on or completely sever the friendship are perfectly free to do so, and whilst I'm sad, it's a loss that I'm prepared to see happen.

I think you should accept you deserve to be treated better and widen your friendship circle. Your friend is likely to be sad but it's her choice, and she is probably fully prepared to live with it. You sound like a lovely person.

[lottieandmia]

YANBU to be upset that your friend is no longer there in the way she once was but there isn't much you can do about it except wait and hope that she returns to her normal self!

'People go mad when they have a baby.' - this is so, so true! I also agree that most return to 'normal' at some point. It's not always the people you expect who are so besotted with their PFB that everything else goes out of the window.

[Forgetfulmog]

Piglet, I know you were talking about your DH, I was just trying to point out that a husband's aptitude is neither here nor there in the case of a baby who will only be settled by the mother.

I do appreciate that if the OP's friend did have a baby like mine or some of the posters on this thread, that she maybe would have spoken about it to her. Then again I'm pretty sure I've touched lightly on the subject with my BF, but she doesn't know the full extent of it at all, mainly because I don't want to be the mummy bore & because (despite the fact that she is a very generous, understanding person) she just wouldn't "get" it. You can't if you haven't experienced it.

[ItsallFeegle]

I don't think YABU or childish at all.

I think it's common and unfortunately, I find myself in a similar position, but from the 'other' side IYSWIM.

One of my most enjoyable friendships seems to have changed dramatically since I gave birth to DS 6 months ago, in fact it changed when I was pg.

I was very ill throughout my pg, so much so that I was bed bound a lot of the time.

I had a very traumatic birth and subsequently found myself depressed and I believe suffering from PTS. This has affected my life to the point that I'm only now starting to feel comfortable leaving home.

My very, very good friend has been a great support and I am seeing her 'much' more frequently now but she is uninterested in DS.

She doesn't have any DC, so I appreciate she isn't that interested (or so it seems) but my difficulty isn't that she isn't welcome to visit, it's that I genuinely feel that I have nothing to offer a conversation as our lives are just poles apart.

A lot of the social invitations that I receive are to events that I just practically can't attend, not that I don't wish to.

It's sad and I think you need to cut yourself some slack. You obviously care about your friend and your friendship.

[bvmsmummy]

You've had lots of responses but felt moved to add to this because I had a situation with my wonderful, caring, kind, funny, brilliant best friend who also has no kids. At around three months she got really angry with me for cancelling a coffee (which DS would have joined us for) and I just lost the rag at her. I was, at that point, spending ALL DAY with a screaming, crying, collicy baby who would only sleep / calm down if I walked and walked and walked with him in a sling. I literally couldn't get dressed / go to the toilet. He woke MINIMUM every 90 mins all night, every night despite all our efforts with routines etc. I was ill with allergies and colds, I was totally worn out with breast feeding. I felt like a failure and at the same time felt like I had to show the world that I was strong and having a baby was the best thing in the ever and I was a natural earth mother.

By nine months our situation was marginally better but still I was so very exhausted that any socializing was really not a priority. Luckily once I explained all this to her (at the three months argument) she at first got angry but then went away and thought about it and apologised for, yes, being unreasonable. We both made more of an effort to understand each other after that(I realised she was feeling lonely and left out) and things have been much better.

My LO is now 13 months, sleeping better, napping at home, stopped bfing... and last night me and my bestie went out and sank a bottle of white and gossiped over chips.

Hope that helps. xxx

[jollyhappy]

I'd hang in there as a friend.

With my second I have not been out at night past 6pm. And my first could go anywhere with me but I had to feed every few hours and he often project vomited everywhere on everyone.

I have one busy friend who is way past her mothering days - but one day she took a very long lunch hour to come and see me and my baby in the afternoon - it meant a lot to me that she made the effort.

[SuiGeneris]

Jessica: what I am trying to say is that being 30,32 or 33 is all the same, it is just that people are conditioned to make a fuss for multiples of 10. If celebrating 30 is inconvenient, celebrate being 31...

[noblegiraffe]

A DVD and pizza night would have been a just as daft suggestion as leaving my baby at 8 months. People who come around for pizza expect to actually see you, not your back as you disappear upstairs again for the billionth time that evening.

[pinkdelight]

Good point about the booze pumpkin. I was also thinking back to that foggy first year with DS1 and it wasn't so much him that kept me in, but becoming a mum was such a huge thing that I didn't really get back to being 'me' until he was at least two-years-old. My idea of fun changed and even though I could've gone out with an old friend for the night, I wouldn't have enjoyed it - just as you, very honestly, say that you're not interested in babies, that's what I wanted to talk about with other people who had babies and when you're both however kindly feigning interest it feels draining - on top of the tiredness and distractedness (missing DS).

So while I don't think YABU to want to see her, I also think the 'her' you want to see has gone AWOL for the time being and you have to let that slide. It might take a while, but when she's feeling up to it again, then she'll come out to play. But it will never be the same. Everything changes.

[TigOldBitties]

I've already said yanbu, I just came back to read the rest of the thread and am finding the comment about having easy babies so ridiculous.

My babies have not been easy, DS1 certainly fell into the 'only mummy will do camp', but thanks to my mums encouragement he learnt that nanny and dad will also do, so I could go out. DS3 was a nightmare for sleeping, needing to be held, constant feeding and just screaming blue murder for no apparent reason, his behaviour also then upset DS1, DS2, DN1 and DN2 (so yes I had his awfulness and 4 other children to care for) and meant that they went into a sort of sleep regression and started to mimic him. It was utter hell.

However, I was absolutely driven and determined to have a social life and to go out. I really valued my friendships just as much as my family relationships. Its one of the reasons I never EBF for past 6 months because I realised how much it would come to define my life. I wanted to go out or have people round and enjoy myself and so I made it happen. I think your friend just doesn't want it enough, to have never left him for longer than a shower is totally bizarre in my opinion.

I think by all means still be friends but don't prioritise her over others or things you enjoy because she isn't affording you the same courtesy (particularly on your 30th which I think is truly awful for a friend that long), put your energy into other friendships.

[Scruffey]

She's gone a bit overboard. My first was a supremely clingy baby who screamed when he was not on me. One time, I left him with my mum for an evening out (10 months old) and she phoned me to come back after 2 hours as he was inconsolable. As soon as I walked in the door, he was chirpy again! So if her baby is a super clinger, she may have a bit of difficulty leaving him. However this doesn't excuse her bizarre stuff like no guests after 6pm or making a joint adult party as a park do centred around ds. Anywa given the amount of family bonding time that her dh has taken part in I am sure the baby would happily stay with him without her for the evening.

[pinkdelight]

"A DVD and pizza night would have been a just as daft suggestion as leaving my baby at 8 months. People who come around for pizza expect to actually see you, not your back as you disappear upstairs again for the billionth time that evening."

Well said, giraffe! My Dbro used to really do my head in, coming over for an evening and expecting me to listen to him going on while I had baby traumas to deal with. Even some of my nice non-mum friends who I could tell felt that they were being really understanding, would just keep talking when I had to dash out of the room. I know the expert laidback mums on here would say this is all PFB stuff, and I agree - it was v different with DS2, but back then, it felt so so stressful. If I could avoid unncessary socialising, I totally would.

[noblegiraffe]

Forgetful I know what you mean about not talking to friends about how awful it is. There's only so many times you can say 'exhausted' when asked how you are without worrying you are sounding like a boring whinger. And I don't think people really believe you when you say that you've only had a handful of hours unbroken sleep in the last however many months, because surely you'd be dead if that were the case.

And then there's the not wanting to burst into tears if you do talk about it, so you gloss over it and go onto brighter things.

And also, you want to avoid suggestions like 'have you tried just leaving him to cry?' Or 'have you tried a bedtime routine?'.

So you don't talk about it, then people apparently think you are a shit friend when you don't host dinner parties.

[pigletmania]

I guess for my own sanity, and I had pnd, a few times I left dd with so I could have a couple of hours with friends. Dd was a little daddies girl and mostly stopped howling for him

[ceebie]

Lots of good advice here already. Sadly, I know of some people who continue to expect everyone else to fit in around them even as the children get older. HOWEVER, if your friend has any sense at all, there will come a day when she thoroughly relishes getting out of the house with you for some child-free hours. I have a 15 month and 3.5 year old, and much though I love them, it is a wonderful feeling to regain a sense of one's own independent self again! I am hopeful that there will come a time when that happens for your friendship - 9 months is still early days really. I was EBF and found it so much easier to go out once I'd weaned him.

[MrsMook]

YANBU for feeling this way.

In the last 3 yrs of being pregnant, having two babies, some of my friendships have changed- some (and generally more local) have been able to adapt, some feel like the pause button has been presssed, particularly with school friends who haven't had children yet. No particular reason, but we've had less things like BBQs to be able to invite them to. (Awful weather also a factor!) We've had less invitations and I assume they assume that I/we won't be interested.

She may be covering up and scraping by with a very difficult baby. She may have just ended up cutting herself off in a baby-bubble which is a bit unreasonable.

I still maintained a slimmed down social life when DS1 was a baby. He was EBFed and a bottle refuser, but I could go out in the evening for a couple of hours between feeds. I remember a mummy night out when our DCs were about 6-8mths, and it was obvious who was FF and BFed. The FFers were having a few drinks, the BFers were clock watching, on soft drinks and were gone by 10pm- we still enjoyed a brief escape. My DCs do often accompany me/us- we have babysitting issues beyond BFing days, but we do maintain social contact with our friends.

Some people do just disappear into a bubble for no particular reason. My ILs did this. They'd longed for children for a long time, and when they finally got lucky, they immersed themselves into the world of babies/ children. Their choice. There wasn't any reason for them to reject our offers of baby sitting (we did hear about phases where they had issues either directly or through family, so I doubt it was that). I've just always felt aware that that's not for me as I want to have maintained life byond my family unit for the days when they grow in independence. DH is also a parent and he can/should have time with our DCs. I would also go loopy to not do things independently- at 5mths I joined a circuits class, because it was a time slot where I could get out for an hour between feeds, and was my one chance in the week.

Maybe you could gently enquire as to the source of her isolation? If she has a difficult baby, she may appreciate some understanding, or she may have fallen into a habit without noticing.

[Phineyj]

YANBU, I had this treatment from DSis for years and it was very upsetting. Now her kids are older we are doing better, but our relationship has never really recovered. In the meantime I have had a DC myself and still do not get it although I do understand some DC are very difficult. Prioritise other friends and hopefully she will be better in a year or so. If not you will have other friends!

[Cosmosim]

All these people posting life does not stop when you have a baby clearly have no flipping idea what it's like to have a challenging baby who won't settle unless it involves your boob, wakes up the minute a warm body with milk smell isn't nearby, and wants to co sleep and feed through the night. Life absolutely fucking DOES stop. And you get giddy at the prospect of extra sleep because really, prolonged sleep deprivation is a recognised form of torture for a reason.