to feel miffed at friend with new baby

[DonnaHayward]

I have namechanged (even though I'm not a prolific poster) because I know AIBU, and I'm ashamed to be feeling this way. I'm hoping MN can talk a bit of sense into me. Apologies for long post.

My BF and I have known each other since school, been close for 15 years, she's one of my favourite people in the world. We've supported each other through a lot of things. She had her first baby, a little boy, in Sept. I am afraid I've started to feel resentful about how our relationship has changed since her DS was born .

In the first few months, I was totally sympathetic to how much her life had changed, and tried to be both supportive and unobtrusive. Went to visit when invited, trying to make sure she knew I was always available with practical help without being demanding of her time etc., and completely happy to fit everything around her and her new DS. My problem is, I still feel like this is expected 9 months on, and I'm starting to get a bit fed up.

Her DS has routine which means she can't do anything after 6pm, including having people other than her and her DH in the house (as it is their family bonding time). I think this it lovely that they prioritise this, but must admit that it rules out almost all social activity, and is getting on my nerves now DS is 9 months old and not a tiny baby. My only opportunity to see them is weekend afternoons (I work FT), and with weekends being busy for both of us this means I've only seen her half a dozen times since DS arrived, always in or around their home.

I totally know, in this stage of her life, DS and DH come first, but I think what's upset me enough to post here is birthday plans. We are both 30 this year, and idly chatted lots in our 20s about having a big joint event. Obviously that couldn't happen in the way we'd fantasised when younger. She was unable to come to my birthday meal last month, as she can't be apart from DS in the evenings. Hers is in August, and plan is for a group of friends to get together in the park so 'we can all spend time with DS'.

Childish bit now - I want to say 'I'm not that fussed about time with DS, I want to hang out with you!'. I've been through a fair bit in the last 9 months (made redundant, splitting up with LTP), and I've really missed her - both as support and as someone to have fun with.

So... I know I'm being unreasonable, but as I don't have children, hoping you can show me some things from a parent's perspective, and help me to stop resenting a 9 month old baby

She could have made an effort to come to your birthday dinner, I am sure her dh could look after the baby for one evening, my totally inept dh would do

I could be your friend OP except I gave a dd not ds and she's 5 months. I'm sure my friends are saying the sane as you but as another poster put it sometimes your just trying to get by hour by hour it's hard work. I find evening especially hard and have told friends I can't meet up or go gym after 6 else I'd never get a chance to bath baby, have tea clean up Etc reading this I realise that everyone must be thinking the same about me. Oh well

All these people with babies they could have left for an evening at 8 months really don't know how lucky they are.

They should be saying 'yes, I was lucky I had an easy baby I could leave at that age' not sneering at women who have it tougher for being precious or shit friends or whatever.

Interesting - a couple who are our friends had a child 18 months before us, the woman got completely obsessed with the baby - not even the father was allowed to bath her, put her to bed, feed her, get her dressed etc - I have a feeling that it was PND that got tied up with the existing OCD and never got diagnosed (as the woman denied that there was a problem) - 10 years down the line, having cut all of the previous friendships and family out, things are not going well.

I hope its not going the same way with your friend.

No dd was not easy, very difficult baby, she has a dx of asd and dev delay so no picnic. Yes I see my self doing what op friend is doing I also really see where op is coming from, especially as she had no children herself so hasent been in that boat

People go mad when they have a baby.

Some get sane again quicker than others.

It will pass.

You'll get your frined back.

And if and when you have a baby you'll go Oh, I get it now...

Maybe she has a difficult baby she can't leave.

Maybe she would just prefer to spend the evening with her baby than go out.

Either is fine imo.

I don't think UABU to be hurt but I have to say I hated going out for the evening and leaving my kids when they were babies, and they were babies for a lot longer than 9 mo. Also, I was knackered so going out wasn't a big deal then, either.

That wasn't the sort of mother I thought I was going to be, or wanted to be, even. But that is how it was.

JBF - maybe so. But I did really get the feeling from "society" that they didn't want to know (like I said the expectation in my case that a second time mother with an 8 month old should have everything under control).

I'm not saying that had I been at home near my friends I would have been the same as the OP's friend, but I can see how it happens. I think it can be particularly hard to offload when the friend doesn't have children herself (not my best friend, but other friends certainly gave me the "well you chose to have children" vibe when I mentioned problems when DD1 was a baby. In fact one still has yet to meet DD1... who is nearly 6!)

Sorry, I'm rambling a bit - trying to settle DD2 to bed (which these days involves standing in her room ignoring her, so some progress at least )

OP - if you're still there, you do sound like a lovely friend. Do just give her some time & please keep asking. One day either the fog will finally lift, or she'll relax a little (whatever the cause was) and she'll be so glad her friends are still there for her.

vvviola - what I mean is that if more people spoke out and said exactly what an effort bringing up baby is, then perhaps more people in general would understand. Too many women just present it as wonderful, the best thing that ever happened (which of course it is) but gloss over the unrelenting hard slog it is for so many of them. If you believe the adverts, the majority of articles in the papers, hardly anyone has a hard time, which we know is bullshit. And if more truth was spoken, people would understand more.

Maybe "society" didn't want to know and while, yes, there is going to be an element of "your choice, don't moan" genuine decent friends want to KNOW if things are hard, and if they can help, or at least they will understand why things have changed and that while you may not be able to see them much or at all for the next two years because priorities have changed, you still value their friendship. Two way street and all that.

Jessica - I completely agree. I think one of the reasons that parents of a baby are so overwhelmed is because they only hear the stories about how babies sleep through by 6 months, can sel settle blah, blah, bla

Piglet - my DH is not inept, he is a bloody good husband & father, but there is no way I could leave him with dd for a few hours; she will only accept milk from the boob, does not self settle & will usually only sleep on me. There is no way I would be so selfish as to go out for an evening & leave DH with a screaming, angry baby.

OP, maybe your friend has a baby like mine, maybe she has pnd, maybe she hasn't lost the baby weight & doesn't want to be out with a group of sleek, groomed women. Who knows?

My youngest (of 4) has just turned three and still only wants me. I have never left her alone except for with her dad in the day for an hour - and never at in the evening because she would be distraught and likes to be co- sleep. I think you sound like a lovely friend and if you want to remain close and supportive find ways to see her with her son, because it sounds like they come as a pair!

I have an 8 month old and have been out a few times since she was born. Obviously was hard the first time and then my DM had her overnight and she was poorly which massively put me off but have done it again since and she was fine, so all good.

Some new Mums (I believe) use having a child as an excuse not to go out because they just don't want to anymore - and perhaps were not that interested before getting pregnant. So now they can say 'Sorry, I can't I need to put DC to bed, feed them', etc.

Now the above may be true, but I think if you really want to go out and have that sort of life again, you will ensure you can e.g. put a routine in place that means you're able to.

Some people just find themselves feeling like a different person when they become a parent (I guess we all do to some extent) but it must be hard when your BF acts likes this.

I have a childless BF who I don't see that often because she lives about 3 hours away but when I saw her recently (without DD) I showed her a few pics, talked about her a bit (if lead by her) but was conscious about moving the conversation onto other stuff as there's really nothing worse than a Mummy bore!

lucky - just turned three and you've never left her alone for more than an hour?? Wow. Surely that can't be good for any of you? How is she bonding with her father? What will happen when she has to start going to school next year? There must come a time when, distraught or not, she has to learn that mummy can't be with her every waking minute of the day and the longer that goes on the harder it will be.

Sorry, that sounds as if I have big judgemental pants on and I don't mean it to. I just can't imagine what sounds like almost total isolation for three years.

Yanbu. Out of my core group of 6 'best' friends 3 have kids, 2 being under 1year. We still make an effort to see each other regularly, have a night out about once a month and have nights in at each others houses, sometimes with kids sometimes without. The mums of the group found it imortant to still have grown up times, and not just be someones mum constantly, partners all actively encouraged this, partly as they got to play on xbox all night without complaints, and partly because you dont stop being a person just because you have a child!
I understand that nobody will be out clubbing the week the y give birth, and it takes people time to adjust, get a routine, some sanity back etc, but it does people no good to isolate themselves.

Most babies can be left by 9 months and even earlier (given that mothers go back to work much sooner in other countries). I don't think it's especially helpful to the OP (and is quite minimising) to cite underlying health reasons for the her friend's behaviour - surely if the baby was especially fussy/clingy, the friend would have said that rather than she needed 'family bonding time'?

I think it sounds like your friend is being really PFB and I totally understand why you're hurt. What are you going to do about it is the question. I very much doubt she'll take you up on the offer of babysitting given she won't even invite you over in the evenings.

What's really sad about people like your friend is that they end up alienating everyone and then when they come out of their baby bubble, they might find all their friends have drifted away.

Ah the mothers of difficult babies who they can't leave in the evenings simply haven't put a routine in place that would allow them to do this

That's like suggesting ginger biscuits to a woman with morning sickness.

The first year of my DS's life is like a black hole, a blot on the landscape of my memory. I wasn't depressed or anything, I was exhausted. In an effort to see friends so I wasn't completely isolated I did things like drive to London and back having only had three hours broken sleep the night before. And before that. For months. And that carried on until he was well over a year old.

Why is it that so many here view babies and toddlers who don't want their mum to leave them as 'difficult'? it's just natural and if society saw it as a good and positive thing, rather than encouraging mothers to separate from their babies at the earliest opportunity, then everyone wld be happier I think.

Noblegiraffe is absolutely right. Some, perhaps most, people may be happy to leave their 8-month-old to go out with adults friends, others cannot (or do not want to). Babies are very different and some older babies still cluster feed in the evening (both of mine did) and do not take bottles, so OP's friend might well love to go out but feel she is unable to because it would be unfair to DS who would cry, be hungry, upset, etc.

OP: from the point of view of a mother with a high-need baby your post sounds a bit self-centered and short-sighted, but very understandably so because you have not had a baby (and even if you had, you might have had the placid sort that are happy to be left). It is not your fault and if I were your friend I would not expect you to understand, but would hope that you would try and put 14 years of good friendship ahead of a difficult 9 months. Also, in the greater scheme of things birthday parties are completely arbitrary celebrations and as grown ups you could agree to have a big party in a year or two, rather than now.

Even if the baby can't be left, there is nothing preventing the friend saying "I'm sorry, I can't come out, but why don't you come over for drink / dinner / lunch / a quick coffee?" one evening or at the weekend. Yes friendships need input, from both sides. The OP has been very understanding and patient so far, but there's nothing coming the other way. And yes, sleep deprivation is horrible. But you make an effort for your friends, especially for things like their birthdays.

On the whole YANBU - I can understand not going out in the evening, even at 9 months, as I didn't go out without my babies until 1yr+ but we used to (still do actually) have friends round int he evenings so we could see people. Many of our friends dropped off as soon as we stopped going out much but the ones who stuck around are brilliant and also adore our childen and will play/entertain for hours.

After reading all the responses I have something else to add. Alcohol. Nights out generally include alcohol and hangovers whilst caring for a baby are a fucking nightmare bad mix. If your friend is breast feeding then she would also have to consider how long it takes for the alcohol to leave her system before the milk was ok for baby.

My good friend split with her LTP when my DD was about 8 months old so I had a few nights out with her to show support etc, but my god it nearly killed me. There's no way regular late nights and alcohol are practical when you are up early to look after a baby. Even though DH was there and got up in the morning I could still hear the crying, noisy toys etc.

In the end I had to admit that I couldn't cope with nights out anymore and we opted for going to the cinema or for a meal instead. Now DD is 3 we are back to nights out but still nowhere near as often as pre baby days.

You can suggest what you like but please do allow her to respond as she feels fit - her priorities may have changed.

I had a friend I'd been close to for about 10 years when I had ds1...she didn't like the fact that our phone calls had to be cut short...she wanted me to be her bridesmaid and I was single so I couldn't travel 200 miles when he was 8 weeks old, with him or without him...she fell out with me over it, I admit I cocked up too.

We got back together after a year or two, when she was pregnant. She understood then. And everything was fine after that.

It isn;t just thatshe has a baby - her whole outlook will have altered, you have been displaced a bit, I never felt able to go out at night when mine were that small simply because I was knackered and got no sleep as it was. I wanted to be in bed by 9.

Please don't attack her for being 'precious', she is allowed to try and get it right, in whatever way that is. I'm sure she'll be less of a perfectionist after a while.