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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

What would you do?

18 replies

TheNobodies · 10/06/2013 16:29

Me and my partner are currently trying to conceive.. we've had problems with our last pregnancies all 3 ended badly so we have no children. He quit smoking to help his sperm because he has abnormal sperm.

I found out he was smoking behind my back. Last week I found a pouch if tobacco in our room, he denied it being his. And I've just found a pack hidden under the bed.. shall I leave it? It really ticks me off!!!!!

OP posts:

babyhmummy01 · 10/06/2013 16:34

i would talk to him but without getting angry, this is stressful for both of you and quitting smoking is pretty tough especially if you have partaken for a long time.

silly question but have you considered supporting him by giving up something you enjoy? wine/chocolate maybe?

Original poster

TheNobodies · 10/06/2013 16:44

Yes, I've supported him alot. He tryed to quit several times and when it didn't work I told him not to worry. He told me he hasn't smoked for about 4 months now. But I've found several packets of fags and he has stink of it alot... and i think hes using ny money!!

OP posts:

niceupthedance · 10/06/2013 17:49

I would get him to read the Allen Carr book on stopping smoking.

forumdonkey · 10/06/2013 18:01

Try ecigs or as its otherwise know vaping. I've been stopped smoking for 3 years next month by doing it this way and they are really popular now, easy to buy and have advanced no end. I was a proper 20 a day smoker for nearly 30 yrs and not touched a cig since.

Some are better than others and would recommend you go for a cartomiser type rather than disposable type or ones that look like cigs.

Good luck

SolidGoldBrass · 10/06/2013 18:03

Bear in mind that you are not his owner. If he decides to smoke, it's up to him, not you.

WHen you say he's 'using your money' do you mean that he is stealing from you, or that you are the only wage earner in the house?

Original poster

TheNobodies · 10/06/2013 19:49

Solid I know i dont "own" him. But whenhe has abnormal sperm due to his smoking and we was told that the abnormal sperm may have been the cause if our 2 early losses its my concern. When we started trying again he promised he wouldnt smoke due to the fact of miscarriage and he is doing it behind my back. He may be the one smoking and yes that's his choice but why lie about it? I personally thinks he is selfish, he shouldn't commit to trying again knowing he is smoking which can cause me to miscarry.

He does earn but hasn't been working recently due to lack of work. I've been working two part time jobs.

forumdonkey he has one of thise cigs, thats how he quit he went straight onto that then stopped it a month later and did well until recently.

He wouldnt read a book :-/

OP posts:

Potteresque97 · 10/06/2013 19:57

Whilst giving up smoking is hard, op, I sympathize and agree with you, personally, it would be a deal breaker for me. It is very insensitive of him, imo, to put you at risk again as he has been told that your losses may well be connected to his smoking. DH did smoke when I met him but he knows its unacceptable to me so he doesn't. The concealing really bothers me, if he told you he was struggling, you could have supported him, just lying about it is disrespectful...

AmyFarrahFowlerCooper · 10/06/2013 20:00

I'd be seriously reconsidering trying for a baby with someone who smokes behind your back knowing it could put you though the pain (emotional and otherwise) of another loss. If he is struggling with the addiction, he should at least tell you so you can choose whether or not continuing to TTC with the risk of loss but he hasn't which says a lot about him really.

babyhmummy01 · 10/06/2013 20:00

The lying is unacceptable and u r right to be hurt by it but it is a hard thing to quit. Is there something you could give up as I posted earlier so u can appear to be actively supporting him rather than words of support when he struggles?

HollyBerryBush · 10/06/2013 20:02

Smoking is an addictive habit, just smoking wont be causing infertility problems. You can home in on that if you makes you feel better to apportion blame.

I would imagine the stress to perform would be driving him back to nicotine.

He quit smoking to help his sperm because he has abnormal sperm.

knowing he is smoking which can cause me to miscarry.

Abnormal sperm would prevent conception - there may be other reasons that you cannot sustain a pregnancy - blaming nicotine isn't one of them

Original poster

TheNobodies · 10/06/2013 20:45

I have gone through recurrent miscarriage testing and all is normal so far. My recurrent miscarriage nurse told me it could be due to his abnormal sperm and she wasnt impressed with his smoking.

There is no stress on him, if I don't conceive I don't mind. It will happen in its own time he knows that.

OP posts:

babyhmummy01 · 10/06/2013 20:49

Not impressed with it is very diff to blaming it though. And IME most nurses I know smoke like chimneys!

It you are able to conceive then as someone else has said the smoking isn't the prob, for whatever as yet unknown reason.ur body is rejecting it. I have never gone thru it so I cannot begin to imagine how traumatic that must be, but blaming your partner won't change the fact and is prob the reason he is smoking and hiding it.

Potteresque97 · 10/06/2013 21:12

I'm surprised op is getting a bit of a hard time, having been through infertility issues, smoking is definitely let's all agree, not good for your health, or your baby's, and he agreed to give it up...op, you might be better off posting under the conception areas.

babyhmummy01 · 10/06/2013 21:19

Not meaning to seem like giving a hard time, I am pg after 17 years of being told I don't produce viable eggs so believe me I do understand the heartache.

But realism has to play a part too and whilst my heart goes out to the op there is a man involved here who willbe just as devestated and has turned to smoking to cope

Potteresque97 · 10/06/2013 21:32

Congrats babymummy you must be so excited, that's amazing!

babyhmummy01 · 10/06/2013 21:43

potteresque thanks and am slowly getting my head round it!

thenobodies I don't think for a second your dp is doing this to deliberately hurt or spite you. I think like you he is hurting and confused and being made to feel like its his fault is prob making it worse. It is perfectly natural to want to blame something or someone, but please remember he is hurting to and you guys need to pull together and support each other or it will destroy you (voice of experience btw)

Ray81 · 10/06/2013 22:27

OP - I suffered with 6 yrs of secondary infertility and I was the one that smoked, I also had 5 MC in that time and they are heartbreaking - I am so sorry for your losses.
I tried to quit so many times but the pressure did get to me and I relapsed every time, It wasn't the smoking that was causing my MC at all and the drs NEVER indicated it was although it was easy to think at the time that it could have been. as it happens I have a condition that caused me to lose and once managed I now have DD2 who is 3 and DS1 who is 1.
I also hid it from DH when i relapsed and the reason for that is because I was so ashamed and disappointed in myself and didn't want him to be or let him down, that may be how your dp is feeling.

I gave up through both pg but started again and then gave up 4 months ago with the help of Champix (the tablet) I can honestly say it amazing and I still don't want one and normally by now I have relapsed. Can I suggest perhaps he tries that. You will have to refrain from TTC for 6 months though but it would be worth it in the long run.

Baby mummy - congratulations it makes me smile every time I hear a story like yours as I know the heart ache involved. Good luck with your baby you won't believe it until he/she is here I know I didn't.

babyhmummy01 · 10/06/2013 23:06

ray I cannot imagine how hard mc is at best of times but after struggling to conceive it must be so much worse so you both have my deepest sympathy.

Thanks for the congrats, ur was a complete surprise, wasn't trying as always told I would need IVF and prob donated eggs and tbh I just could never get my head around 1) it not working and 2) the child not being mine genetically speaking. Over zealous occasions after dp and I moved in together appear to have had the desired effect...and a stupidly cavalier approach to condoms (i can't use hormone pills as they screw with my head big time). I have struggled all the way thru with how I feel mainly cos everyone assumes I am ecstatic and tbh I thought I would be but am.still numb with shock at 30 weeks lol

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