Please help me cope during this appalling divorce.

[HeliumHeart]

I'm going through the most horrendous divorce from a man I am increasingly frightened of in terms of how controlling and vile he is capable of being. We separated a few months ago; since then he first of all refused to move out and kept calling the police claiming I was abusing him every time we had a row. He hadn't been working for a few months and despite having previously been a v high earner, was giving me £5 a week for maintenance, and I had to apply for benefits. He is now working but offering us "very generously; lots of ordinary families would be happy on that you know" 20% of his income minus anything he has paid towards us in advance (including the mortgage). He has now moved out completely although keeps the spare room in our house locked, as a mark of his continuing control in the house. We only have 3 bedrooms and we have twin DC, so effectively we now live in a 2 bedroom house.

I am completely at my wits end about how to cope with him. He normally turns up to see the DC at 9.30 on a Sunday; today he texted to say it was going to be more like 11am because he had had to take the removal van back. I sent him one text saying could we try to avoid these last minute changes, because the DC had been ready for a long time waiting for him. This clearly set him off, and a few texts later (mine were all bar one very polite and even my rude one was pretty tame) he said he wasn't coming after all, turned round and went home on the train. Leaving me to explain to the DC that their father wasn't coming after all. I continually try to get him to Skype them during the week, to no avail. He claims constantly that I am driving a wedge between him and the children (age 3) and preventing his relationship with them. He says I bully him and engineer arguments such as today's which means he can't see them.

At worst, I honestly feel completely and utterly bullied and intimidated by him. I am so glad we are divorcing but wonder when the sense of being controlled and bullied by him will stop. Sometimes I think never :(

I just don't know what to do. I either STFU and let him do whatever he wants, or the other option is to call him on his unreliability etc and run the risk of his wrath. He punishes me for every "infraction".

Since we separated he has also been warning me of some financial "doom" that will beset us when we divorce that he can't tell me about "for legal reasons". He has at times said that we will have to sell the house and that there will be almost nothing left afterwards (this shouldn't be the case, there are sizeable assets as far as I know). I know I can't control what happens, but I mention this just to add to the extent that he seems to enjoy threatening and upsetting me. Of course, he adds on the fact that oh how he wishes things were different and this was not the case, but that sadly it is. He sighs and tells me he would love to be able to tell me what is happening, but he can't.

Sorry for the essay. Everyone tells me not to have any contact with him but obviously we need to have contact regarding arrangements for the children (in fact we are actually under order from the court not to have any other contact). Even the most basic arrangement nearly always ends in disaster, like today. I need to speak to my lawyer tomorrow but am at my utter wits end following today's balls up re. the children. :(

Unlock the door. Break the lock if need be. Give your kids another bedroom.

Arrange regular meetings at a contact centre as you're not allowed to be in touch, as ordered by a court. Then if he fails to keep to arrangements it's witnessed. If he makes any other contact, thus breaching the court order pass it straight to your lawyer, do not engage. Also report to police.

Ignore the money bollocks. You've already applied for benefits, what's the worst that can happen money wise? As you say, it's just more controlling bollocks, tell him to discuss it with your lawyer.

Good luck xx

I think the 'no contact' suggestion is absolutely the right one. Put everything in writing and copy to your solicitor. Don't let him in your home. I would personally be frightened of letting children have access to this man who sounds quite nasty and potentially dangerous but, at the very least, if he turns up late be out with the children. No reason whatsoever why he gets to dictate the timetable.

Also, now that you are alone in your home with children, you could legitimately put some extra bolts and padlocks on your doors as a security measure. It wouldn't be changing the locks but it would mean he (or anyone else) couldn't sneak in while you were out or asleep... give you As a single mother that's a sensible precaution and there isn't a court in existence that would deny you the right to be secure in your own home, whoever's name is technically on the deeds. Next step... get someone with a good set of shoulders to break down that spare room door (or get a locksmith - it's not so messy). It's your home and your DC's home and it's ridiculous to have this provocative out-of-bounds 'territory'. Do it, ditch whatever you find in there, and you'll immediately feel stronger.

Keep careful record of all of this and then talk it through with your solicitor. Good luck

Get a locksmith in to unlock the spare room. He no longer lives with you so you do not need to allow him (in the house) upstairs to realise you have done this.

Is there a third party who can read any emails he sends before you see them? Ask them to do this, pass on any relevant information regarding your children and ignore any other communications from him.

Let him know via email (so you have written proof) that skype will be running and your DC will be available to chat on whatever 2 or 3 days suit you between x and x:30 again when ever suit you for him if he wants to chat.

Tell him you will no longer communicate via any other method and change your mobile number.

You cannot control what he says and does you can only control how you react. This is what he is getting off on.

You need to work out the money and what you can afford. If he gives you the CSA minimum can you afford the mortgage? Find out what you are entitled to and what you can expect from him/the divorce then enforce it. If he won't play ball go to the CSA.

Hugs.

Keep all the text messages and stop trying him to see the children. Act as if you'd rather he didn't. He'll make sure to keep contact just to spite you.

Thanks for the messages. I'll be back later to write a proper response. Half the problem, and what has kept me from properly opening up on MN before now (I'm a long time MNer with a NC) is that H has read through all my posts on MN before and I am scared of him reading my thoughts on here and recognising me. I know that I have given too much away in my OP and am already scared about that.

Never be scared of the truth. He cannot use the truth against you.

I'm scared of letting him know inadvertently what I'm thinking because I have no doubt he'd use it against me.

Tomorrow I'm starting a 6 week course with WA about domestic violence, on the one hand I feel like a fraud because he only ever was violent a couple of times and even then nothing major (slapping me around the face, punching walls, etc) and not for a while. On the other hand I'm sitting here in tears and feel so harassed by him and what he tells me Is Right that I don't know whether I'm coming or going. He cancels seeing the children today and it's my fault because I told him off a bit for being 90 mins late, and in fact turns it round to say that I'm a bully who's campaigning to thwart his relationship with the children, and then I spent an hour sobbing because I know how bad that looks to the courts if I was preventing his relationship with them. But I'm not!

I have a transcript of all the emails and texts between mysel and XP, and we've been split for years. As everyone else has said, minimise the contact between yourselves, and seriously consider what is in the best interests of the children in terms of how they can/should/shouldn't see their father. Keep it as business-like as possible.

Change the locks. It's not his home any more, he should not have access to it, or control anything that is in it, or that happens in it.

If you have a mutual friend or family member that can and will be present at children's changeovers, it might facilitate an easier transition until the courts can step in.

I found though, that 'they' will do anything to keep separations/divorces out of court, so you'll probably have to go through mediation first to try and formalise an arrangement whereby the children can spend time with their dad.

Wishing you luck.

That is abuse, I hope the wa course helps you. I also think you need to stop all contact if he messes around your dc. My ex did this. Let the courts make the decision for him. And his sighing and threats of financial doom he can't tell you about are all just further control mechanisms - he wants you to be begging him for stuff. You need none if this not do your children and even if the financial stuff is real and you have to sell your house you are still better off without him. And keep all messages from him. Good luck. X

Intimidation is a subtle form of abuse, but no less distressing than other forms. By the sound of it, you ought to go to the DV course, but also I would try and clarify events in your head by writing them down. When I wrote down 'an event' I could clearly see how unreasonable my twat of an ex was being.

Lots of good advice here - all I want to add is a supportive hug. When XDP and I split up it was horrendous - not as bad as yours but when you try to take the control away from a controlling person, boy do they hit back. I felt scared, wobbly, was hopeless in an argument and it was horrible.

However, the more control I gained the less leverage he had and the better it got. I wish I had exercised more control earlier on rather than being a doormat to prevent nastyness (which didn't work).

So if you can take all the advice above please do, but if you can't I do know how hard it is, and it WILL all get better.

BTW... being slapped around the face is major. I'm sorry you're so frightened and I do hope WA can help you see just how appalling this man's behaviour towards you has been and continues to be. Most of all I hope they help guide you down a path that restores your confidence and rebuilds your self-esteem. He's actually in a very weak position, you have the upper hand and, like all rats backed into a corner, he can do nothing but make lots of noise and bare his teeth until you see him off with a fatal blow.

Were you married to my ex? (not likely as he's skint :) )

I also get the complaints about making contact difficult (they do skype, we are always on time, he's always late and sometimes misses it without a warning).
And I left him because of a slap and pining once on the floor.
DV is DV.

You are very much in the right.
So, make sure that anything that comes out of his mouth you hear as "bullshit".

Just wanted to say keep strong how ever hard it is, i was verbally intimitated by my ex for months and months after he left, with endless threats about money, our home and he was taking our sons away from me.

Verbal assault is illegal now and for good reason, i would never have believed my ex could have behaved towards me in such a way, but until he ended our marriage after nearly 30 years together i'd never seen that side of him. He carried on for months and months, both to my face and in text and emails, now our only contact is through solicitors as he continues to lie about his finances.

But all his threats came to nothing, i just wish i'd have believed that a year or so ago. You've separated, and he lives elsewhere, i changed the locks on our family home i was so scared of him. Its really easy if you know how, took a few minutes with the help of a friend. My solicitor told me once he lived elsewhere he couldn't just walk back in, if he had possessions in the house he could collect them at a reasonable time, but i didn't have to see him alone. If hes been violent can't you drop your children off at a relatives and let him collect them from there, however inconveinient it is for him, its no longer your problem. Then hes also messing someone else about if hes late, not just you.

But please don't believe any of the threats he makes, if he was serious you'd be hearing about it from his solicitor, he wouldn't waste his time telling you, he'd be too busy taking action. I've been there and got the t shirt!

If you want help on changing the locks, let me know, if its a PVC door its really as simple as taking out one screw, pushing the lock and inserting the new one, then putting the screw back :)

Thanks so much for all these lovely posts. I can't help but hear his sneering voice laughing at me for being pathetic enough to need validation from "strangers on the internet"; were he to read this.

Thanks also for the locks advice; I'll keep schtum about what I'm going to do but will run it past lawyer tomorrow... :)

I'm also going to follow the advice here and try to keep contact to an absolute minimum; again will discuss ways to achieve this via lawyer. Good idea re. the Skype availability; we could easily do that and say they'll be available say 6-6.30pm a couple of days per week.

Butterflyface - If I had a transcript of all our texts and emails... I'd need to buy a new box of A4 paper to print it all out on. I counted 70 texts between us (mostly him but 1/3 from me) just trying to organise ONE handover. He is very bright and articulate; it's part of our problem... he has had MH issues and genuinely believes that he's never met anyone as clever as he is. He even saw fit to tell the Judge that she had worded the Injunction incorrectly. (This was to explain why, once he received the injunction, he dropped all contact with the children with no explanation and claimed it was due to the poorly worded Injunction which he interpreted to mean that he couldn't contact them or he'd be arrested... )

We tried mediation; I've recently pulled out. We had two sessions which he wanted to have in order to sort out "interim issues". In two sessions he did nothing but scoff at the mediators, was stony faced and angry throughout, we agreed almost nothing, and he eventually admitted a couple of weeks ago that he had never intended to disclose this financial doom thing at mediation. So I pulled out.

One positive is that his behaviour has been so appalling that I can't bloody wait to be free. I'm actually very excited about the future. Or I am when I think there's any chance at all I'll be genuinely free of his control...

Joy - thanks for your message; I really do hope that I can trust in the justice system because if I can, then I'll be happy. I don't think what I want is unreasonable, really I don't.

Again, your post confirms what an arse he is, I am very pleased for you that you have a future ahead of you free from him. (Oh and courts will really think he is an arse if he starts questioning them like that!).

I note that he suggested mediation and I'd hope that your lawyer advised you against it. The only time mediation is of any use is where a couple are relatively equally balanced. Where one party is clearly abusive, controlling or bullying, it simply becomes a grandstand event for the abuser to further attack their victim. I'm not surprised he has had MH issues, he sounds quite unbalanced and irrational

HeliumHeart well, take heart in the thought that if he is correcting the judge on injunctions, he's in for a rough road in court. They don't take too kindly to that type of thing - and it only shows what a complete and utter FW he is. It speaks VOLUMES to the judge, believe me.

HelloHH you would feel right at home on This Thread The sad truth is that if you name change and miss out some details like the spare room then even if your FW follows you there he won't be able to identify you! These men all seem to have read the same instruction manual and behave the same. How would he know which of the posters is the one he is currently treating so badly?
It will get better you know, you have done the most important thing.

Oh and "he's never met anyone as clever as he is" is the signpost that says Narcissist. Do you find after a conversation with him your head feels like spaghetti? You are not alone!
You are doing so well to have got this far. Be brave!

Thanks. Lemon yes, he says I'm a narcissist all the time Will pop my head around that thread later, I've lurked on it occasionally actually and almost posted in there yesterday instead of here. Might have been less conspicuous but I was worried my essay might be too much within a long-running thread! :)

I've had a text this morning apologising for yesterday, saying that he's gutted and that we can't live like this. No mention of the children, who were the real victims in his not turning up.

I've already written a long email to the lawyer and will try to get something sorted to minimise contact and make his contact with the children so structured and sorted that communication about that can be minimised too.

A text 'apology' sounds like more manipulative crocodile tears to me. Solely designed to have you feeling sympathetic towards him and therefore weaken your resolve. Glad you've written a long mail to the lawyer. Stay strong, keep focused, ignore the sob stories .... it's all you can do in the face of this hot/cold psychological bullying type of emotional abuse.

BTW... how about privately nicknaming this joker 'Mimi'? Because it seems to be all 'me me me me me'..... where he is concerned. :)

Helium so glad you are feeling up to taking some positive steps today. Lots of practical suggestions on here. You seek all the validation & support you need on here.

Thinking of you.

Wow correcting the judge takes some cheek. I can't imagine that went down well.

I hope you have a tough lawyer who will be able to stop this bully from intimidating you and plenty of RL support as you are having to deal with so much. Wishing you strength.