I'm going through the most horrendous divorce from a man I am increasingly frightened of in terms of how controlling and vile he is capable of being. We separated a few months ago; since then he first of all refused to move out and kept calling the police claiming I was abusing him every time we had a row. He hadn't been working for a few months and despite having previously been a v high earner, was giving me £5 a week for maintenance, and I had to apply for benefits. He is now working but offering us "very generously; lots of ordinary families would be happy on that you know" 20% of his income minus anything he has paid towards us in advance (including the mortgage). He has now moved out completely although keeps the spare room in our house locked, as a mark of his continuing control in the house. We only have 3 bedrooms and we have twin DC, so effectively we now live in a 2 bedroom house.
I am completely at my wits end about how to cope with him. He normally turns up to see the DC at 9.30 on a Sunday; today he texted to say it was going to be more like 11am because he had had to take the removal van back. I sent him one text saying could we try to avoid these last minute changes, because the DC had been ready for a long time waiting for him. This clearly set him off, and a few texts later (mine were all bar one very polite and even my rude one was pretty tame) he said he wasn't coming after all, turned round and went home on the train. Leaving me to explain to the DC that their father wasn't coming after all. I continually try to get him to Skype them during the week, to no avail. He claims constantly that I am driving a wedge between him and the children (age 3) and preventing his relationship with them. He says I bully him and engineer arguments such as today's which means he can't see them.
At worst, I honestly feel completely and utterly bullied and intimidated by him. I am so glad we are divorcing but wonder when the sense of being controlled and bullied by him will stop. Sometimes I think never :(
I just don't know what to do. I either STFU and let him do whatever he wants, or the other option is to call him on his unreliability etc and run the risk of his wrath. He punishes me for every "infraction".
Since we separated he has also been warning me of some financial "doom" that will beset us when we divorce that he can't tell me about "for legal reasons". He has at times said that we will have to sell the house and that there will be almost nothing left afterwards (this shouldn't be the case, there are sizeable assets as far as I know). I know I can't control what happens, but I mention this just to add to the extent that he seems to enjoy threatening and upsetting me. Of course, he adds on the fact that oh how he wishes things were different and this was not the case, but that sadly it is. He sighs and tells me he would love to be able to tell me what is happening, but he can't.
Sorry for the essay. Everyone tells me not to have any contact with him but obviously we need to have contact regarding arrangements for the children (in fact we are actually under order from the court not to have any other contact). Even the most basic arrangement nearly always ends in disaster, like today. I need to speak to my lawyer tomorrow but am at my utter wits end following today's balls up re. the children. :(