How to phase out a friend

[ALannisterAlwaysPaysHerDebts]

I've got a friend who I spend a lot of time with and who's in the same social circle as me. She irritated me for quite a valid reason an now everything she does is getting on my nerves.

I usually see her lots during the week but would like to fade contact down without hurting her feelings or making her aware. Whenever I organise to do something with other friends she invites herself so it's quite a difficult situation as I'm not wanting to drag anyone else into it.

I've just realised she's not my kind of person and can't continue to be dragged down.

I feel sorry for your 'friend' - poor cow

Given I've been very vague as to the 'valid reason for her irritating me' you actually have no idea about the situation or the friend in question. Thanks for a helpful response.

Really isits? Why is OP not allowed to be irritated by other people? Jesus! How wonderfully serene & accommodating you must be to like everyone in equal measure.

OP I've kind of been in your situation a couple of times before, I've no advice though as am a horribly unsubtle person and could not deal with this tactfully. In one instance I had a massive falling out with the person in question which was messy & regrettable. In the other, I just blanked all contact, which I know was rude & spineless but easy to do as person concerned wasn't local.
Sorry not to be more constructive.

Ahh - it is hard to be sympathetic to your dilemma as I don't know why you would want to dump a the ex-friend Why can't you be direct with the person? It would seem that she doesn't realise how you feel.

Thanks Mrsmind.

Isit- as stated in OP, we are in the same friendship circle and you're right she doesn't really know how I feel due to me not wanting to rock the boat.

I don't want to get anyone else involved as it's not fair and I'm certainly not looking for people to start taking sides, it's far to boring. I'm wondering how to slowly phase the amount of time we spend together down without hurting her feelings (as stated).

If she didn't have connections with my other friends it would be much easier as I would be very direct.

She really just isn't my kind of person, I probably jumped into a friendship too quickly and didn't give it time to develop naturally.

We don't know what has happened here aside from you saying she irritates you. If you want to phase a person out of a group, of a social circle you are both in, then you are going to perhaps end up alienating her from the entire circle? Which is not a particularly nice thing to do. As for her not noticing, she will notice when her friends are out somewhere and she did not get a call/text to say this something was going on. I think that's perhaps what isit meant and I can see her point. If you are a group and you in particular don't want one person along then the others are going to have to make a choice. Its going to be uncomfortable and inevitably feelings will get hurt.
Isn't it better to have a chat with the woman in question and try to iron out this problem? Whatever it is? Its not nice to be direct with people especially if we feel they have said or done something to hurt us but its better than the rigmarole of phasing a person out when there is a group of you, that can end up being horrible and nasty and involves the whole group rather than just you and the woman in question.

I would really struggle to talk directly to someone to tell them I didn't like them. Good god, no. How on earth could that be done without fatally injuring her feelings which I'm sure you don't want.
In your OP you seem to suggest you see her alone during the week & then she'll also tag along within a group at other times. If, as you say, you don't want to rock the boat within the group then I think you have to suck up her presence there for the sake of peace.
However, you can make yourself vague & unavailable for any solo meetings. If she does end up challenging you then that is the time to tactfully let her down.
Just keep telling yourself you're not obligated to see her or to like her.

It does sound rather like you wanting to stop an entire group of friends from seeing her, in that you want to see all the mutual friends without her.

This happened to me, I was the friend. I was "phased out" by the rest of them changing the dates of an already planned holiday without telling me until the week before. Don't do that, it REALLY hurt. Likewise excluding from birthday trips.

In fact, any excluding you do is going to hurt so I'd think it would be much better to be honest with her, otherwise, from experience, she is just going to be left wondering for ages what she did.

you are going to have to stop the solo stuff.
in a situation myself right now.

Thanks for your replies.

I can really see where you're coming from seize but as I mentioned, I'm not looking to get other friends involved. No'one knows how I feel, apart from DH and I'm not looking to exclude her from group meet-ups just cut down on our 1-2-1 time but not sure how to do it IYSWIM?

Having a chat to iron it out really will open up a can of worms, which is something I 100% want to avoid as then no doubt other friends will start to get involved, which I'm trying to avoid. As you can probably tell, I've never been in a situation like this before.

How are you dealing with this pirate?

Just often miss her calls, say you're busy when she suggests doing something and generally withdraw a bit from the friendship. She won't pester you once she realises that you want some distance. Be nice when you see her with the others, though.

We probably see eachother 3+ times a week (I know..) should I do it slowly or just see her once a week from now on to it's not too obvious? I just couldn't be off with her in a group of us- I don't have the balls for that!

We see a lot of each other one on one, but I can't see any of my other friends just by myself, unless she doesn't know them. So I can't feel like I can develop any other friendships further.

I don't know Alannister. Its a tricky one because I think, no matter what you do here you are going to end up involving the others as it can't be avoided really. This is the thing about groups of friends when two fall out, it does have a knock on effect on all the group. If they notice you not taking calls from this woman and ask you about it or she mentions it to them...

I suppose, thinking about it, I would say that you ought to do what puss says and often miss her calls and be already busy if she asks you to go out just yourself and her. Which is what you said you wanted to do anyhow.But when you all go out as a group, try to be as civil as you can and absolutely do not talk about her or the fact you are not taking her calls to the others as that will start up a gossip mill and she will be hurt. Think about how horrible you would feel in that situation and act yourself as you'd hope others would act towards you?
I don't envy this situation at all.
I hope you find a solution.

I don't think you can phase her out in a way that she won't notice. So on there will be hurt feelings and on some level a confrontation. I think it would be better to be honest and direct (perhaps using the broken record technique to keep it on track and the lid on the worms) rather than silently phase her out and have her wonder and start quizzing people about what she has done (unless you think she'll know?)

Broken record technique would be: 'it really bothered me when you said/did x and I don't want to meet up with you because of it'
Her: 'but disclaimer y!'
You: 'well x bothered me and I don't want to meet up with you. That's all I'm prepared to discuss.'
And repeat until you end the conversation.

Bit hard to describe that without knowing the incident but you get the drift.

When you say you couldn't be off with her in a group, does that mean you plan to be friendly to her face while planning group get together a without her? That really is underhand and without a reason the rest of the group won't respect or like you for it.

Is she really that bad? - can't you just go with the flow and accept not everyone who enters our lives will bring us life long happiness & joy? - for the sake of peace that's what I'd do, rather than sending this woman to the social guillotine.

I'm not suggesting that I'm lovely to her face and then plan a huge party where everyone is invited but her!

In a group, I'll try to act as normal as possible but I'm interested in trying to doing solo things with other friends in the group- like I used to, and like she does.

I really couldn't have a direct conversation with her about this subject, if it was anything else I would of done, quite happily, but I do feel quite hurt by this and once its out, its out.

Sorry for seeming to drip feed, but I would probably ut myself if I said.

Out*

Join a gym, on the days you're possibly meeting her....oh no you have spinning class, and its members only! /if she joins...go swimming.

If that doesn't work, maybe go to the library or a bookshop whenever you meet......slence.

If that doesn't work, go to the shop despite where youre due to meet her. If you do it often enough the witing time she suffers might soon sink in.

Ultimatly what you're doing isn't very nice, in a social circle I find it easier to take the good with the bad. I understand though.

Perhaps I should just leave it then, I'm just finding it hard to not feel remorseful about the incident and as a result, getting irritated over smaller issues that usually wouldn't be a big deal- which isn't really fair.

I really feel you have to tell her.

"I do appreciate the support you've shown me over the years but you have really hurt my feelings over X. I obviously don't want an argument or to fall out but it's changed how I see you and relate to you so I'm really sorry but friendship-wise we will have to call it a day."

In a way it is 'cruel' but I'd rather know. I have an uncomfortable feeling I am being 'phased out' by a friend and I'm heartbroken as I can't think of a thing I might have done.

I'm going to probably out myself but in order to get some correct advise and not drip feed.

Friend and are both in the same business, we bumped into a client of mine (not in friendship circle but whom we both know) and I went to get us a coffee, when I returned I come into the middle of their conversation and she was offering her services at lower prices to mine and said 'I'll give you a card'. She couldn't get out of the conversation as the client didn't see the problem and then after she just brushed it off.

Am I being very territorial? I wouldn't do this to her so I don't see why she has to me.

If I open this can of worms, it will get out of hand. I know that for a fact and in the very small town we live in- where everyone knows everyone, the rumour mill would be in overdrive.

As a side note- my DS and her DD are both at school together and get on extremely well.

I'm sorry about your situation Teapots