How to phase out a friend

[ALannisterAlwaysPaysHerDebts]

I've got a friend who I spend a lot of time with and who's in the same social circle as me. She irritated me for quite a valid reason an now everything she does is getting on my nerves.

I usually see her lots during the week but would like to fade contact down without hurting her feelings or making her aware. Whenever I organise to do something with other friends she invites herself so it's quite a difficult situation as I'm not wanting to drag anyone else into it.

I've just realised she's not my kind of person and can't continue to be dragged down.

Rooney- the last line of your first post

Definitely confront.
If she really gets what she has done, she with be making a heartfelt apology, never do it again, and everything will be alright?

She has made a mistake here, give her a chance to put it right, and if she doesn't, then you can back right off with a clear head.
This needs to be brought into the light and dealt with.
Even if you don't get the result you want, you will feel a million times better for addressing it.

I think it depends on how close your friendship was, Rooney.

If you were best friends, seeing each other all the time, etc - then yes it is rude to just become polite and distant with no explanation.

If you see each other occasionally for coffee then no, I agree you can just be less available or not suggest meeting up and no explanation needed.

I can see it is a tricky situation but people in your friendship group will be involved when she starts asking what she has done and why you are acting strange around her. The other friends might then approach you about it. They will know one way or the other. It is gaslighting her when you're obviously blanking her to say "no problem, nothing's wrong" as you're making out it's all in her head.

It is the worst feeling in the world to be on the end of this. I know now it's no great loss to me as I wouldn't want to be friends with people like this anyway but what really grates on me, even now (years later) is that whatever terrible crime I committed - I cannot apologise for it or amend my behaviour so that I don't repeat it and lose further friends down the line. If there's something about me that's so hateful I'd like the opportunity to correct it. Maybe that's just me. I also didn't get the right of reply - what if something is done was simply misinterpreted and I never got the chance to explain? Instead I was constantly made to feel paranoid and needy because I knew there was a problem but wanted to know what it was - so I asked. And ALWAYS got the answer "there isn't a problem, it's all in your head."

If it's just that you feel you don't gel or the friendship has moved on, then she may actually feel the same way.

I just think sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind but you can say it in the nicest possible way.

Yes Sianilaa I think that must have been utterly horrible for you and I understand what you are saying.

However in my case (not wanting to hijack) I was once very close with the person, then we drifted a bit, I started to realise that we have a very different outlook, started to feel a bit used, I'm sure they don't realise they are doing it. Part of it is just simply a clash of beliefs/attitudes, not their fault, not mine.

There is no point arguing about it. I have known them long enough to know that it is deep seated and that despite their being different to me, they are still a great person and will be unlikely to change.

I would like to move on without a row. They are very popular - I am no loss to them.
Plus in the old days I would text them a lot and often be completely ignored.

I suppose I'm too tired to give them the emotional head space they seem to be demanding, if they are insecure about it then that isn't my problem to sort out. I just want to lay it to rest.

We aren't on best friends terms just very much, coffee etc 3+ times a week.

I agree that it would be horrible not being able to set the record straight. But as what she did seems so obviously out of line (to me anyways) I can't imagine that it wouldn't get out of hand.

Rooney- you're not hijacking, If I was giving advise it would be- tell the truth and give her a chance, but it's so hard when you're on the other end of it.

Hi OP.. I had a similar situation but didn't involve a group of mutual friends so it was easier. I had become a listening ear to every problem in her life.. totally negative (we all are from time to time but this was constant and very draining). Then the jealous comments started. If I lost weight she would say to new boyfriend - mrsp is obsessed with weight watchers. It just got me down.

However, I couldn't cut free altogether as I know she is a good person deep down and had been there for me. So I just got really busy.. got a box to show phonenumber recognition. I now meet her at the theatre regularly etc. so I don't have to listen to whining but am still there for her. Once she phoned and shouted at me that since I got married I have nothing to so with her. I blamed married life for making me too busy and denied wanting to avoid her.

Another person I have removed from my life is SIL - an out and out snob. I just avoid situations where I am going to be on my own with her. I don't get intp conversation.

However Op - be careful - I feel guilt all the time for the above situations and wonder would I have been better to say how I really feel than sweep everything under the carpet and have people think I have gone odd.

If you want to lessen the frequency of your 1-2-1 coffee sessions, you need to break the pattern of your availability. Is it an option to say that you're not available at all the next week due to work commitments, then meet her just once the following week?

You will probably find that she latches onto someone else if you're not available so much.

Regarding the business-pinching. You left a friend in the same industry as you alone with a client of yours? What did you think they were going to talk about whilst you fetched coffee?

I am in a very similar situation to this and its really getting me down..so much so I'm thinking about it all the time.
A friend I've known for over 20 years has done something that has really upset me and added to this I have been going out of my way over the last few months doing big favours for her. I've been out of pocket because of all this on several occasions. She knows something is wrong but just can't understand what it is she's done....I can't get my head around this because to me it is so obvious
In my head I keep trying to put it behind me but am struggling to do so because I'm fuming everytime I think about it! My problem is that even if I tell her why I'm upset I don't think I can move on from it. The friendship doesn't feel the same now.

So is it better to just say "everythings ok" and then slowly drift away? It feels a no win situation to me unfortunately.

I think you need to tell this woman exactly why you won't be seeing her any more if she asks you. And you should also let any of your friends who asks know, too. Calmly and without a fuss.

What she did is unconscionable, and not what a friend does. She tried to stab you in the back. Defending your boundaries is not being a bully.

I don't think there will be an uproar if you remain calm and rational. She might try to badmouth you, but don't play her game. It's her problem if she gets a bad reputation through her actions, not yours.

If you tell her one-to-one that you didn't appreciate the undercutting, as suggested above (sorry not to name-check; I'm doing lunchtime nap duty), how will others find out? With no witnesses, she's not going to tell them, and make herself look bad, is she? And, equally, with no witnesses, she won't have lost face in front of others so won't need to go on any offensive.

Not the undercutting, sorry, but the inappropriate approach to the client (while in a meeting with you!)

my advice is to swallow her in the group and just be busy on one to ones. I have been recently phased out by a friend, well she tried to phase me out but as we were such close friends ( or so I thought) I asked her what the problem was when she suddenly invited everyone round but me all the time ( she wouldn't tell me, said there was no problem) and I handled it wrongly by avoiding her as I was so hurt. Now she refuses to speak to me, is extremely rude and it means that our close circle of friends is torn and its a right mess. I can't get away from her and it would have been easier just to swallow it but I was v hurt. In your case, you dont really want the fall out, so try and be breezy with her and rise above her. Just dont meet her one to one.

I after chewing off DH's ear talking about it with DH, I think I'm going to try cut down on the one to ones and then go from there, if there is still an issue or if she tries to steal a client again then she's going to force my hand and I will have to say something. For the sake of peace, for now, I will just be breezy about it all.

As I mentioned earlier, and I'm really not meaning to be big headed, I think my quality of work is better so she might be shooting herself in the foot if it goes through.

Hi op. I am going through similar and it is sooo awkward. I went out with her one last time last night hoping that I would feel better about what she did but I just don't. I am going to have to tell her by email. I have spoken to her about mys issues but she dosn't get it. My mental health has taken a knock as a result of the actions of this woman. I no longer feel I can tell her secrets abouut my love life or let her in my house. I have to let go...but there is something about her I like and it is upsetting to cut loose.

I don't think you can phase out a friend that you see 3plus times a week, you'd have to come up with a lot of excuses and lies to put her off and she will know by the end of the first week that something is up and probably confront you. I avoid these sort of teenage love affair type friendships like the plague, 3 times a week is too much surely! I think you'll have to come clean and talk about it...like mature adults.

Sorry i'm another one who just read what she did. I'd say this.... A close friend doesn't do what you did, that is the sort of thing an acquaintance might do, so I would feel more comfortable now being acquaintances in a group of friends and stop being close friends. This way the responsibility for the shift in the friendship stays with her because after all it is her fault. But I'd probably just ignore all her calls and requests for talks and tolerate her when in group, little cow.