How to phase out a friend

[ALannisterAlwaysPaysHerDebts]

I've got a friend who I spend a lot of time with and who's in the same social circle as me. She irritated me for quite a valid reason an now everything she does is getting on my nerves.

I usually see her lots during the week but would like to fade contact down without hurting her feelings or making her aware. Whenever I organise to do something with other friends she invites herself so it's quite a difficult situation as I'm not wanting to drag anyone else into it.

I've just realised she's not my kind of person and can't continue to be dragged down.

disclaimer: I'm not a prostitute

Ahh okay - that's different.

I'd never see her again and I'd tell her exactly why. Scheming little cow.

I would develop a new hobby like joining a gym and just start dialling down the number of times you are available available to see her. If she notices and comments just laugh and say gosh yes I realized I saw more of you than dh so thought it was time to mix things up a bit. Don't say anything to the group that would be mean.
Re the business card it does sound off. Have a low key chat and say you weren't happy about it,but do not do a dramatic ending of the friendship as you are in the same social circles as who knows they might pick her in preference to you.

Haha I didn't think you were!

I feel you can tell her you felt hurt and slighted by her behaviour and as such you feel you can't maintain the level of closeness you previously had.

Or you could just be nice to her face whilst secretly seething (I have to do this with a 'friend', I can't stand the woman but she is so important in my circle of friends that if I want to see them I have to see her)

It was quite difficult to explain without that bit- DH says I should say something but I don't know how I could without making a scene- If she is underhand infront of me she would probably slate my business behind my back if we had words and so it's damage control for me. I don't feel that she would/ could affect my income by what she has done, If I did i would have to say something.

My mum thinks I should fade out slowly and I just don't know what to do.

If she has hurt your feelings to the point it is actually upsetting you in the very early hours of a Saturday morning (7am on a Saturday is the very small hours to me!) Then you have two choices, you ignore her completely and never say why or you are honest about things with her.
I may not like the honesty I get from others but at least I can respect it - being ignored or fobbed off each time I try to make contact would be far worse imo.
You are right, its not fair to get irritated with the little things that she is doing, its like misplaced anger or something and one day, even if you don't see her on your own and you are in a group situation, you may find you flare off the handle about a small thing and you are going to look a proper twonk in front of others. Then it will all come out anyhow and all this angst and worry and trying to do things to not upset people has been worthless.
You are never going to please all the people all the time - hell, we can't please some people some of the time.
Be honest, its the best we can do in life - tell her that 'x' has deeply upset you (it clearly has and as such you are putting yourself through the ringer trying to work out a way to handle it). And you just need a time out. Time out can be a few weeks or forever - she will soon stop calling you after hearing this and should just wait for you to initiate contact - which you don't do...
It may be an unpleasant thing to have to do but equally unpleasant is all the subterfuge of avoiding calls and making excuses and smiling while in a group situation together while this is simmering away under the surface.
Confrontation is never nice but sometimes necessary.

The thing is wont she say to one of the others "lanni has suddenly been a bit weird. (I would if it were me) She said anything to you?"

Of course then x will be curious. The group will know something's up. You will be asked if your ok. You will have to answer. Do you have something prepared?

We had a friend recently go very "off" on one person. We all knew very quickly. All of us had an opinion as to why too (everyone had a diff guess). Eventually others in the group asked the "off" person. Turned out dd had been ill and a 'crass' comment was made. It took weeks to settle as everyone readjusted. They still aren't very warm.

You don't appear to have a 'story' ready. You do need to. This isn't going to go unnoticed. You need to be consistent not caught on hop. That way leads confusion and angst.

Quietly drop back just be ready with a reasonable answer is my advice. What does DP/dh say?

i would slowly phase her out. i agree that confronting her would do more harm than good. she didn't hide her undercutting from you so she doesn't see it as a problem. or doesn't care. don't engage with her anymore on the subject and watch your back.

why can't you do solo things with other people in the group?

also if asked about why you're stepping back, don't lie.

do you know if your client has consequently gone to her?

If you think there would be repercussions from confronting her then I wouldn't go down that route. Just fade her out as othera have said - be too busy for one to one meetings but civil within a group.

You said she still sees others individually but you don't. I don't see any reason why you can't make your own arrangements to see others within the group on your own. Be very careful not to slag her off though as that will definitely bite you on the bum!

Just read your reason why.. Okay, so, she slates your business behind your back - who's going to come out of that looking unreasonable? You have been honest and she has been scheming behind your back because of it?
If you fade her out slowly she is going to realise you are doing this and may well still slate your business and you anyhow in retaliation.
I would just say her underhand tactics that day were staggering and you can't understand why she would do that? You are meant to be friends?
I would have to say something about this if it were me (I know we are all different) but I would not like this at all and it would be eating at me to the point I would have to say something. What if she does this again and you have said nothing the first time around? Your anger is just going to build and build.
I have to go to work now so can't follow the thread - I hope you manage to sort it out op.

I was thinking of using work as an excuse 'Oh I've been really busy sort of thing'

DH thinks that if my client goes then friend will be shooting herself in the foot as my quality of work is better (he's definitely not biased...)

Not sure what client has done yet, perhaps if she chooses to go to friend then I would have better grounds to say that she has upset me?

I had plans to see a mutual friend last monday but she invited herself along, other friend didn't see the problem obviously.

I think in this case you are perfectly entitled to say something to her, it's a very valid reason for being annoyed with her! Did you get on well before this? If so I'd maybe suggest that you do try and speak to her to tell her how annoyed you were and ask why she did it? But I'd pay close attention to her response because you'd obviously need to know if you could trust her again. If you weren't I'd start being 'unavailable', being as vague as you can be about why so she can't involve herself. Then if she asks you direct you can tell her at that point.

Ok seen the business bit. That's a concrete reason that others in the group would accept. So phase down and say what you said here as your reason when asked. Just don't say more than that.

It was rude underhand and unfriendly. If I was the client I wouldn't use her on principle either. It's not the way you do business if professional. I'm a bit amazed you didn't call her on it after client left tbh. Unless I missed that? Good luck.

...But before I go... Lol to 'I'm not a prostitute' Now come on op you can tell us, we are not a judgy lot on MN - She undercut you by 10.50 for a BJ didn't she? And she threw in a fruity condom for good measure. You only had regular latex condoms, right?

Try not to let this problem spoil your entire weekend op You sound like a nice person, I mean, you got burned and are concerned about not wanting to create a major kick off as a result. Not sure I would have the restraint - would have had to have said something personally.

Don't worry. This is definite grounds to be upset or miffed.

you're right seize, she does things that you wouldn't of even heard of. I just can't compete..

After she spoke to my client she sat down and I mentioned the client and our working relationship as to say 'back off'- now this really sounds shady...

Sorry, people who ignore/phase people out are the worst kind of bullies. She may takes ages to get the hint and be hurt and confused every time you do it, ask mutual friends if they know why, she'll probably ask you what she's done wrong - would you lie?!

Just be honest and upfront! How hard is it? Yes it might hurt her a bit but it'll be short and sharp rather than prolonged and painful in my experience.

You have a perfectly valid reason, which she won't be able to argue with. You don't have to be a cow about it. If she asks to spend time with you 1-2-1 you simply say, "no thank you, I don't mind seeing you with the group but I didn't appreciate the way you tried to steal business from me. I felt it was disrespectful." And leave it at that. If she argues, you say, "well that's how I feel".

Phasing people out and hoping she gets the message is a shitty thing to do. Other people will be dragged into it regardless of which way you do it. So would you rather be a bully or someone honest but as tactful as possible?

This has happened to me several times (I must be a terrible person, but I wouldn't know because they never had the balls to tell me why despite being asked) and it's awful. If one of my friends did this to someone, phased someone out without explaining, I couldn't be friends with them either. Nasty and unnecessary IMO. Grow a pair!

Totally agree Sian.

so she might not have been aware that this person was your client when she offered her services?

I agree with seizethenight. I think you should just let her know that you feel hurt by what she did. Not get emotional about it, just state the facts.

Or, of course, you could just be busy.

As for your other friends, if I get fed up of seeing people in groups, I always say "it's been ages since it's just the two of us have met up" and arrange it that way.

She most definitely knows that this person is a client.

I think I have to either be direct or ignore the situation.

The reason that I'm dubious about being direct is I know that it really will get out of control, undoubtably other people will find out and there will be bad feeling within the group, which is something I really dont want.

If we didn't have a tight knit relationship I wouldn't have a problem telling her.

What do you do though when there isn't a specific reason you find their company difficult?

I have a 'friend' whom I find it very hard to be around. There are lots of issues and probably the main one is their arrogance, but I don't want to tell someone that they are arrogant, I just want not to see them very much.
I think if you want to save the friendship then it's important to have it out - but if you just want to remain on polite but distant terms then you don't owe them an explanation particularly.

I don't want to seem like a bully though. Is it wrong just to make polite excuses and see them less and less?

That's it OP - I'm in the same situation, if I make a fuss, say they have done something wrong, or that I dislike their character, it'll be all round the entire group of people within a day or so and everyone will be up in arms, very dramatic way to go.

It's very difficult. All I can suggest is to hang in there until circumstances force change, which with any luck will be sooner rather than later.

Rooney- Your last line sums up how I feel.