Angry/abusive partner - how can I help him??

[somethingamusing]

DP has huge anger issues and it either gets sorted out or I have to walk away...

I don't really know where to start, please bear with me.

DP and I are madly in love and generally very happy and planning the rest of our lives together. He honestly is a lovely, kind hearted man who would do anything for me.
However.... he can't cope with any disagreements or arguments, he just gets so angry and is incapable of having a reasonable discussion about anything. Usually this ends up with an evening/day of silence and sitting in separate rooms. On the worst occasions though, he will say the most hurtful things to me, attacking my insecurities and making me feel awful about myself and our relationship. Whenever he calms down (whether its later that day or the next day) he will apologise and break down in tears and tell me he doesn't mean any of it he is just saying anything he knows will hurt me and he doesn't know why he does it and he can't stop himself at that time. I do believe him that he doesn't actually mean what comes out of his mouth - often he doesn't remember some of the things he said and some of it is just so farfetched.

I know most of you lovely lot will tell me to leave him and I can understand that. But I don't want to and I won't over this. I want to help him.

He has had a very difficult life due to a number of reasons mainly his parents and his upbringing (I can't disclose details but it really is shocking and sad). He has never confronted any of his demons and I know this is what has caused all of this pent up anger. On the rare occasion he has opened up about this he admits he needs help. I have gotten fairly close with his older sister and she tells me that he has had this problem for as long as she can remember.

And this is where I need your help - what can I do? I think he needs some form of counselling/anger management but how do I go about doing that? He would respond much better if I approached him and said 'here, this is what you need to do and this is what happens' rather than 'you need to get help' iyswim. Do I go to a GP? Or are there any organisations? Do you have to pay for counselling (not a problem if so)?

Thanking you all in advance.

No, YOU don't do anything. If he sees he has a problem, then HE has to see someone and get help to sort it out.

Why do you want to be his 'rescuer'? This is a recipe for disaster. Sorry op, but you are not responsible for his anger issues and imo this relationship is doomed to be a miserable one.

and at some point you will stop being madly in love and his anger will still be there, what then?

You can't.

If he wants to change only he can do that.

Tell him to sort himself out. If he does he means it.

If he doesn't he doesn't want to or doesn't think he needs to change.

So you need a deadline of when enough is enough and the tears are meaningless.

If you actually do want to help him then you have to leave him. Because I doubt he will be prepared to accept the kind of therapy that might help (and it is only might) unless you do. Because at the moment his behaviour has no consequences for him. All the consequences are yours to suffer. That's fine by him.

Read 'Women who love too much'

You are part of the problem

Have you looked at Relate, OP? they are a good place to start for relationship counselling.

www.relate.org.uk/home/index.html

There is a lot of material online that you and DP could look at together, and discuss the benefits.

You don't way what the issues are in his background but there may be specific support organisations eg Al Anon for families of alcoholics (I have personally found enormously helpful).

Plenty of people have had difficult lives and don't verbally abuse their partners. It's not an excuse. He needs to take responsibility for himself, it's not your job.

You can't.

He may be able to help himself, but he has to want to. All you can do is sow the seed and hope he feels the need to sort himself out, but sometimes it takes a big jolt (e.g. your partner leaving) to realise how unacceptable your behaviour is. While someone is willing to put up with it and support you there isn't much incentive to put in the hard work needed.

I'm not saying 'leave him' but you may need to be prepared to issue some pretty stiff ultimatums if you really think he can change.

I agree with Imperial. It's for him to do 'something', not you.

The only thing you can do to 'help' him is to have zero tolerance for his angry and abusive behaviour. I mean ZERO. You are letting him do it, thinking 'poor OP, he can't help it'. Well, he can help it - he wouldn't do it to the Queen if he met her, he'd control it, regardless what she did or said (stupid example but you get the gist). So, ultimately, he can help it. YOu have to get that clear in your own head OP. If he wanted to do something about it, he would.

I dread to think the future for you if you honestly think you can 'help' him. God help you.

My partner has had similar issues and appears to have been cured. In his case he did decide to sort it out himself and has taken many steps to do so. Your DP will need to decide himself that he wants to change but with massive effort I do believe it's possible.
Things my DP has done:
Attended a 30 week course run by the charity Splitz
Read lots of self- help anger management books
Never drinks more than 4 alcoholic drinks in one evening
Cut right down on caffeine
Changed his working life so it's less stressful

This was all prompted because we split up after an incident last summer. DP knowing that our relationship will end if there is ever another incident is what motivates him.

I do believe it's possible but it's hard and as I said your DP has to be really determined himself.

What everyone else has said.

You cannot force him to change, and as long as you are prepared to put up with him treating you like this then he has no motivation to do so.

Is he like this with other people? Does he rant and rave or spend the day in silence with work colleagues if he has a disagreement with them?

You can't.

But does he hold down a job? If he does then how does he manage to control his 'anger' with his colleagues and bosses? Surely they must wind him up or piss him off? Everyone has disagreements and frustrations at work or colleagues/bosses that wind them up from time to time. If he can control it there he can control it at home. Otherwise he'd have been sacked from every job he'd ever had.

If he holds down a job and has done for some time then he can control it when he has to but he chooses to unleash it on you. He doesn't need anger management counselling. You need to LTB.

I tried to help my dh. He couldn't handle arguments, had major sulks, I made allowances for him as he had a terrible childhood and used to cry etc.

He started to get violent and more and more cruel. We are getting divorced.

We went to relationship counselling, was pointless as he manipulated counsellor to feel sorry for him, lied, dominated the sessions.

Does he have anger problems at work? With friends? Or is it just withyou?

Get yourself some Lundy Bancroft. The nasty / nice / mortified at his behaviour cycle is all part of him controlling the relationship.

Thanks to most of you.

You have definitely opened my eyes and reminded me that it is HIS problem and HE needs to want to change.

Rooty ? will have a good look through everything, thanks.

Onlyconnect ? thanks and glad to hear it has worked out for you.

Alibaba ? yes, these tendencies do carry over to friends/other family members but in slightly different ways.

Luckily for him he has a job where really his only colleagues are the numbers on the spreadsheets and they don?t generally wind him up too much.

I want to make it clear that I am in no way a wet blanket ? I do not let him come running back to me with open arms the second he sheds a tear. But I will definitely take on board all of your comments about ultimatums.

I know I have to face up to the the fact I have to leave him if he doesn?t show any signs of wanting to change .

I am surprised at some of the responses though. Are we really saying that somebody that has suffered forms of abuse can?t be helped? I am not trying to be his knight in shining armour but surely some people just need a nudge in the right direction and a bit of support at times.

Absolutely abused people can be helped. But not passively. They have to be prepared to engage in therapy etc to do any good. And if they aren't prepared to they risk repeating the cycle of abuse themselves.

My husband had a horrific childhood. I feel sorry for him I truly do. But he mistreated me and I had to leave him.

I had a shitty childhood. I don't use that as an excuse to be abusive to others.

OP I really admire your attitude, you sound like you want to fight for your relationship, but realistic. Others are right to say that there is mistreatment that you cannot accept. Whether this is that, is for you to say. It's not a situation I think anyone should be in long term - but there are lots of options before that.

If you take this route, making sure that you are well is really important. You might want to start a therapeutic relationship just for you, and do some reading about how his anger will be affecting you. Don't let him erode your self esteem, and don't let his illness take over your life or relationship. Good luck.

I'm not saying you shouldn't or can't help someone who has been abused but you cannot do it alone and there is a massive risk of falling into the following trap: you want to help so much that you both lose your boundaries

He has to do the work here. Not you. He has to own the problem enough to motivate himself to fix it. He's just passive at the moment.

The nudge in the right direction may well be tough love.

The problem with lots of us, women, and men too, is that we do want to help. We care about the abusers.

They don't care about us.
They care about themselves.

Be clear about it.
And don't be too cocky thinking you can change him. It doesn't work like that.

Go to gp and explain.
Gp will tell you that he needs to be the me to seek help. Only he can do that.
You can't do anything except change your own behaviour and stop tolerating these sulks. walk out or have him leave when he starts arguing or name calling.

You can give him a number to call but he has to make that call
You can take him to gp but he has to say what the issue is and ask for help.

He could stop anytime.

He just doesn't want to.

You can't fix him, he's not broken in his eyes.

You can't make him change, he's perfect the way he is. According to him.

Why would he change for you? He's told you what he thinks of you, and you keep hanging around for more.

He does this all from a position of inferiority, weakness, and hatred.

In the end, the mad passionate love you fell for, will transform into resentment and hatred of you. It's started already.

Those that know, know that he won't change unless he loses everything. You, his friends, family, acquaintances, everything. Only then will he begin to look at perhaps modifying things a bit to get some attention.

Don't do relate,counselling where abuse is present will destroy you further.

Leave him. That is the ONLY way you have of helping him.

Oh and never, EVER fight FOR a relationship that has abuse in it.

Ever.

When you leave him, the relief, joy and happiness you will find is beyond description.

You can't see it now, but everyone who has been where you are now felt like you, and then felt better when they got out.

This man WILL destroy every shred of you. He can't do anything else.

Seriously if he's working with spreadsheets as a full time job and they aren't winding him up and he's not getting wound up by colleagues and bosses then he really can control it.

The team in my organisation that pretty much deals entirely with enormous and complicated financial spreadsheets, forecasting and planning has the highest levels of stress and sick leave.

He sounds like an ex of mine. He won't change.