Angry/abusive partner - how can I help him??

[somethingamusing]

DP has huge anger issues and it either gets sorted out or I have to walk away...

I don't really know where to start, please bear with me.

DP and I are madly in love and generally very happy and planning the rest of our lives together. He honestly is a lovely, kind hearted man who would do anything for me.
However.... he can't cope with any disagreements or arguments, he just gets so angry and is incapable of having a reasonable discussion about anything. Usually this ends up with an evening/day of silence and sitting in separate rooms. On the worst occasions though, he will say the most hurtful things to me, attacking my insecurities and making me feel awful about myself and our relationship. Whenever he calms down (whether its later that day or the next day) he will apologise and break down in tears and tell me he doesn't mean any of it he is just saying anything he knows will hurt me and he doesn't know why he does it and he can't stop himself at that time. I do believe him that he doesn't actually mean what comes out of his mouth - often he doesn't remember some of the things he said and some of it is just so farfetched.

I know most of you lovely lot will tell me to leave him and I can understand that. But I don't want to and I won't over this. I want to help him.

He has had a very difficult life due to a number of reasons mainly his parents and his upbringing (I can't disclose details but it really is shocking and sad). He has never confronted any of his demons and I know this is what has caused all of this pent up anger. On the rare occasion he has opened up about this he admits he needs help. I have gotten fairly close with his older sister and she tells me that he has had this problem for as long as she can remember.

And this is where I need your help - what can I do? I think he needs some form of counselling/anger management but how do I go about doing that? He would respond much better if I approached him and said 'here, this is what you need to do and this is what happens' rather than 'you need to get help' iyswim. Do I go to a GP? Or are there any organisations? Do you have to pay for counselling (not a problem if so)?

Thanking you all in advance.

it I simple tho - "he [says he] doesn't know why he does it and he can't stop himself "

so he seeks help for himself or he goes. not fair on op to live like this.
not fair on him either but only he can get the help he needs.
op can drag him to gp - but if he wont follow up then there is little she can do.

ultimatum might work - op to say "I cant live like this" - showing him diary log of all the recent incidents - you need to get real help or we have to split.

if he really doesn't know why he does it he can get help to find out why and change... he will then have a better life

like the mum with pnd - if it really is down to past or a trigger - he can get help. but only if he recognises he has an issue - a therapist cant work with someone who wont engage...

op does not have to live with him while he getting help, tho it's her choice.

if it turns out to be untreatable or he wont engage then op decides to stay and live with it (not recommended) or go. her choice.

The other thing to remember is that abused people know life like this. The rows, the upset, the silent treatment, the getting back to normal....the wait, the build up, the row

Etc.

Goes round and round.

Watch out op. it might play out this way for him for a long time unless he seeks help himself.

One thing that helps survivors is for their friends and family to not cut them any slack whatsoever so that they know the boundaries.

So if he kicks off, you go it and leave him to it. And then force the making up, and be cross with him.

rootypig, "my dear" is a pretty stock response of mine, when addressing posters who deliberately twist my words - like you admit to doing. Which means, there is no point addressing what you say any further.

LEM I think the gut reaction to advice women who are with abusive partners to leave rather than stay and help, comes from jadedness. There is possibly a new thread here every week, where a woman is posting for help about her abusive partner. Invariably that abuse turns to violence, and women are punched and beaten. Invariably, they also blame their partners terrible past. I dont think a man having experienced abusive parents is an excuse, if anything it makes it harder because he has no proper role-model, and might not know any other behaviour.

I still think there is a massive difference between a man being abusive because he does not know any different, or because this is who he is, and a woman who suffers pnd/depression after giving birth.

If you meet a new man, and he turns out to be an abusive shit, it is a wise precaution to leave or not enter into a relationship in the first place. I would never tell a man to leave a woman who used to be perfectly "normal" but suffers pnd after giving birth to his child. It is still not a feminist issue, just a condition that can be overcome with help.

It is not a feminist issue at all. Just a different issue all-together.

And that is speaking as a woman who was pretty normal, turned into an emotional wreck with pnd, but recovered and became pretty normal again.

Yes but Quint, your tone has completely changed following challenges from me and LEM. If the whole thread had run along the lines of your last post, tone wise, I don't think anyone would have had any issue.

OP, look after yourself.

If my tone has changed, it is out of respect for LEM. I am still saying the same.

My ex husband was violent and very, very good at making me believe it was my fault. He came from a very middle class family where his father was violent but in business and was very good at being charming on the surface.

At one point I'd had enough so we went to our GP together to get help. Ex was referred to anger management counselling sessions. I was asked along to one where the counsellor asked my 'take' on the situations. I said the anger came from ex making a mountain out of a molehill. Counsellor said 'but to him it's not a molehill'. I said I didn't think starting a fight over losing your cheque book and punching your wife in the stomach because you thought she'd hidden it on purpose was a rational thing to do. Counsellor said 'maybe it's rational to him'. At which point I realised something which I later learned to be true about anger management for certain types of people (I worked alongside DV services a number of years later and anger management was talked about at a conference). For some people anger management can help, but, in many cases it is used as another means of control. Many people, men and women, who have had partners going through anger management have said to DV services that the partner would say things like 'you need to keep the kids quiet, you know my anger management sessions show that their noise triggers me'. Rather than them walking out of the room when the kids start - which is what non violent people would do - they put the pressure on their partner to make the change otherwise the partner 'gets what they deserve' because they had been warned...

Be very, very careful with anger management. If you're not prepared to leave without giving him a chance, don't stay if he uses anger management techniques to make you do things his way. It will only get worse if he finds he can use his sessions to make you toe the line.

This is why joint counselling where there has been dv is a disaster. It's just another means of control.

Chubfuddler. Absolutely. Wish I'd known that then. I'd have had my now happy life ten years earlier.

how long have you been together?

I'd leave now, before he destroys you.

I speak from experience