Angry/abusive partner - how can I help him??

[somethingamusing]

DP has huge anger issues and it either gets sorted out or I have to walk away...

I don't really know where to start, please bear with me.

DP and I are madly in love and generally very happy and planning the rest of our lives together. He honestly is a lovely, kind hearted man who would do anything for me.
However.... he can't cope with any disagreements or arguments, he just gets so angry and is incapable of having a reasonable discussion about anything. Usually this ends up with an evening/day of silence and sitting in separate rooms. On the worst occasions though, he will say the most hurtful things to me, attacking my insecurities and making me feel awful about myself and our relationship. Whenever he calms down (whether its later that day or the next day) he will apologise and break down in tears and tell me he doesn't mean any of it he is just saying anything he knows will hurt me and he doesn't know why he does it and he can't stop himself at that time. I do believe him that he doesn't actually mean what comes out of his mouth - often he doesn't remember some of the things he said and some of it is just so farfetched.

I know most of you lovely lot will tell me to leave him and I can understand that. But I don't want to and I won't over this. I want to help him.

He has had a very difficult life due to a number of reasons mainly his parents and his upbringing (I can't disclose details but it really is shocking and sad). He has never confronted any of his demons and I know this is what has caused all of this pent up anger. On the rare occasion he has opened up about this he admits he needs help. I have gotten fairly close with his older sister and she tells me that he has had this problem for as long as she can remember.

And this is where I need your help - what can I do? I think he needs some form of counselling/anger management but how do I go about doing that? He would respond much better if I approached him and said 'here, this is what you need to do and this is what happens' rather than 'you need to get help' iyswim. Do I go to a GP? Or are there any organisations? Do you have to pay for counselling (not a problem if so)?

Thanking you all in advance.

You cant help him.

You can only help yourself. So do that....

You cannot help him. For one, you are too close - far too close - and emotionally involved.

Second somebody like this can only have a hope of being helped by an experienced, trained professional - and even then they often fail.

Thirdly as others have quite rightly pointed out he has to want to change himself. Which means not because you have asked him, persuaded him, tricked him even. Not because he loves you, not because he stands to lose you. In all of these situations he may well make the right noises and even attend some form of therapy but it will not work unless he actually accepts the whole way he is as being wrong and wants to change so much that he's willing to go through months or years of painful, difficult, and expensive therapy. (there's no way a charity or the NHS could afford to fund the extent of therapy that this kind of turnaround in personality needs).

Real life isn't like Good Will Hunting. He doesn't just need someone to tell him it's ok to cry and he will transform into a decent human being. Whatever has happened to him to male him this way is tragic and utterly awful but it is not your responsibility. I know it seems cruel and callous to just accept that and walk off - you're probably thinking, well if I don't try and help him/care for him, who will? Problem is it's too late, he needed someone to step in and help him when he was still a child. Having lived his adult life in this way for however long there is no way anybody can get through to him. He has to want to change himself, for no other reason than that he wants to change who he is. It doesn't matter how much he loses or how many people love him, he has to want to change for him, and that's nothing that anybody can ever change or influence. It has to come from him.

If you really desperately want to be with him and try to support him, then nobody is stopping you, but please don't bring children into it, because it just isn't fair on them to purposefully bring them into this environment. And be aware that you are basically sacrificing your own life for him to have a hope at salvaging his (which he would have anyway, and which doesn't mean he will manage it, in fact the odds are stacked against even with your support).

"Usually this ends up with an evening/day of silence and sitting in separate rooms. On the worst occasions though, he will say the most hurtful things to me, attacking my insecurities and making me feel awful about myself and our relationship. Whenever he calms down (whether its later that day or the next day) he will apologise and break down in tears and tell me he doesn't mean any of it he is just saying anything he knows will hurt me and he doesn't know why he does it and he can't stop himself at that time."

You seriously believe he is not in control of this?

I dont buy it. He is in control. He is manipulating you. He is abusing you, and make YOU feel sorry for him.

The OP has run a mile and I'm not surprised.

She'll be back.

Should we have lied, told her a pile of fluffy hun bollocks?

I've seen ex offender 'mentors' stand up after years of 'treatment' costing THOUSANDS of pounds, STILL blaming the victim, minimising everything and in complete denial.

I'm my view, these 'men' are incurable, unless THEY decide they want to change. But even then, it never goes away not entirely.

I think that some of the replies have been unnecessarily harsh.

He has suffered childhood abuse and reacts the only way he knows, probably the same way his abuser did. The OP wants to know the best way for him to get help to deal with his abuse and its effect on his adult behaviour.

Saying "LT abusive B" is not actually very helpful.

But the OP clearly wants to help him so that they can have a better relationship. We are just saying that a better relationship may not ever be possible with someone very damaged. All that happens is that you get damaged along the way.

Harsh, but true.

You either stay, put up with being used as an emotional punchbag, an outlet for all the pain he has suffered, putting your own needs aside because of the cause of his suffering. Or you have to say, whatever has caused him to behave as he does is not important, it still hurts to live with it.

You can encourage him to seek help, but as others have said, it's a long, hard, expensive road and may not lead where you want it to. Saying LTB is not minimising what has happened to the OP's P, it's just being realistic about the chances of things improving from within a relationship.

Just to clarify "it's not important" I mean in terms of how it affects the OP, of course it is important and should be dealt with, but whatever caused him to act cruelly, the effect on her is the same.

I think the subtext in any plea for help with handling being in an abusive relationship is help to find a way for the abused person to put up with it, or prevent actually coming to harm. Not possible to "help" the abusive person, they just have to stop being abusive, stop sulking, stop stonewalling, stop their behaviour. Nothing the op can do, aside from leaving, if she wants it to stop.

Gosh - I am so glad that my DP never came on here to talk about my anger issues when i was suffering from PND and even now, suffering from anxiety and depression. He would have left me.

I think its really sad, this thread - the OP has come on and said, look, there are issues, if they can't get sorted then I know i will have to leave - i want to help him. But no no no, she absolutely has to leave doesn't she?

She asked what she can do - told nothing? So for everyone who has a partner who has issues that affect their ability to deal with stress the answer is to leave? fuck

OP if you are listening - there are things that YOU can do to help, but of course he has to want the help and engage with it, but you can find out what is available to him and tell him that if he seeks help you will support him. You can go to your GP and ask for information - the doctors will not make a referral without seeing him, but at least you can say to him - "ive spoken to my doctor, very generally about these issues and he said that you can access XY and Z help and this is how you access it" Then it is down to him - I hope he does manage to sort things out, it sounds like he had a really tough time. It doesn't excuse how he behaves towards you but it explains it - Do you have children? Or is this issue preventing that? Tell him you could never have children with him until he gets his demons excorcised - he wont want history to repeat itself - if he is able to and wants the help, there is a future for you. Don't give up on him - he is lucky to have you. Of course, you have to keep yourself safe and that includes protecting yourself, your mental health and self esteem - even if he doesnt mean the things he says or can't help it, if he cannot sort it, then you have to put yourself first.

LEM - I think there is a massive difference between helping a new mum with pnd, and a man who is abusive and manipulative just because he can blame his past, sob and make the abused feal sorry for him.

Oh and you can tell the difference based on a few paragraphs, can you Quintessential?

I'm withLEM, and frankly most of you just sound like you're talking about yourselves and not the OP.

OP your partner needs to be motivated enough to get the help he needs for himself. That's always the way with behavioural problems. If he was to ask you for help that would be constructive and indicate willingness to change. But to present him with help suggestions when he hasn't asked is pointless. If he knows you'd never leave him however badly he behaves he is even less motivated to do something about his problems.

Your wellbeing is just as important as his. He currently does not care about your happiness. You do not deserve to be given silent treatment, insults or have someone twist the knife into your insecurities. So refuse to accept it, set an ultimatum and follow through. Prioritise yourself and in the process be the motivation....

I don't kniw if children are part if your plans OP but it is worrying to think of any future DC being treated awfully by him.

You are choosing to be with him but they would not have that choice.

I hope he decides to seek help.

PND isn't about a mum feeling overwhelmed and a bit teary - if it is, what i had wasn't PND, i am ashamed that i verbally and physically abused my DP - it was awful and i am stunned that he stayed, but he did. It actually took us quite some time to get back on track - i got myself help. Recently i became unwell again and was going back down the line of being vile to him, only verbally this time but the stuff i said was awful, he recognised how things were going and made me go to the doctors, without his support and love i dread to think how it would have ended. I am still struggling but things between DP and myself have never been better.

The difference between you LEM and the subject of the thread is that you say 'I got myself help'. That means a diagnosis, therapy and support, all of which make it far easier for a partner seeing you go down the same path to step in the next time symptoms appear. There's a precedent in other words.

The subject of the thread is, unfortunately, exhibiting all the classic signs of an emotionally abusive man - silent treatment, insults, saying things to deliberately wound, crocodile tear apologies, repetition .... but has no diagnosis to suggest that he is mentally ill because he is making no attempt to get himself help. If he was even to make an appointment with a GP that would be something.

I sincerely hope there aren't any children involved here.

If it's just you then I would say, you can knock yourself out trying to change someone and help them but if they don't want to then you will get precisely nowhere.

But LEM presumably before the PND you had a respectful and loving relationship with your DP which was not abusive. I'm sorry but it is different - I'm really glad to hear you've found help and your situation is improving, but it's different to someone who has had an abusive attitude for their whole adult life. And, again, you wanted to change. OP's DP doesn't sound like he does at all.

And plus, sorry for the stereotype, but men are generally physically bigger in a relationship. I'm not saying what you did was OK because (if) your DH is bigger than you but the potential for serious and life changing injury is much higher for the OP, assuming her partner is bigger and stronger than she is.

At the risk of being told I'm just projecting, I will say that I spent ten years of my life with a man like this.

I really wouldn't recommend it.

I really wish I had posted your post years ago and had the replies you have had and I had listened to them. `Helping' my exp only got me into an enormous amount of trouble and caused me no end of problems.
It is a normal reaction to feel as you do because you are a nice person and do not have the issues he has.
Hissy is spot on with every word - I would never have believed that to be the case had I not been through it.

Having re-read your original post something, the main thing which jumps out is you seem to be making all the effort here. Looking for help, wanting to arrange appointments etc.

What's he doing? And by that I mean actions, not words. Apologising and then doing it again suggests he's not really sorry.

Another vote for binning this man. LEM, as other people have said, you and your DP presumably had a happy relationship before you became unwell and you agreed you were ill and sought help. The OP's partner thinks that a bit of boohooing after every attack on her and 'My Terrible Childhood' is a free pass to abuse her as much as he likes.

I am a frequent advocate of dumping unacceptable partners, and this abusive man is definitely an unacceptable partner. While I do not think that people who have MH issues should have to live without romantic/sexual relationships, I do feel that someone who is not helping him/herself and abusing the rest of the household as well forfeits the right to have a partner until s/he is better. If someone is an addict/alcoholic, for instance, it's fine for a partner to put them out of the house unless/until they get clean and remain clean.

One of the most brutal things about long-term effects of abuse, Something, is the damage was done to us but the repairs must be done by us. Unfortunately there is no time-machine that can whisk us back to birth and provide us with an alternative childhood. We are what we've become. We can choose to change - it means finding out how the damage was done, how we differ as people from those who weren't abused, what methods are used to begin repair, and then undertaking the long & difficult business of effecting those repairs. I don't blame people who choose not to bother; it amounts to a fundamental character change and we have to be very committed to even want that.

I hope this has gone some way to explaining why it's not something you can do for another person.

As a matter of interest, was either of your parents very angry?

I do get what you are all saying, but clearly this mans problems are more profound than mine. Surely now he has a loving partner, it just could be the time for him to get help? The OP doesn't sound like a door mat, she clearly isn't blind to the fact that she may well not be able to change things, but It surely would be the right thing for her to do to say - look, this help is available and support him to take him up. Being very clear that he absolutely has to get the help and engage with it, or else she goes. I am not suggesting she stays in an abusive relationship just because there are reasons for this mans behaviour. But for fuck sake guys - give him a chance. Even impose a time frame, ultimatums and changes. but a chance nevertheless - or should he just be abandoned and allowed to fester? Maybe its because I am a woman and he is a man?