Kids are asleep for the night. I've had a drink. I know bad idea but I'm a mess. Bear with me people...
Right I'm not wanting to hear from anyone telling me that porn is fine and to just get over it. It's not "fine" in my relationship and I made that very clear to my partner years ago.
Cba to even fucking namechange for this shit. I'm not long here anyway but long-time lurker.
Sorry if this is garbled. Mentally I'm just fried right now.
Bit of background. Partner of 5 years (2 kids - second is just 7 weeks) cheated on me at the beginning of the relationship. Actually he was pretty much just fucking me about at the start, only with me to make another girl jealous (we were late teens). He said some horrible things about me to her that I found out. I stupidly took him back believing that he meant what he said and he would change and he didn't mean it bla bla bla. It was very tough and I struggled with trust issues the whole way through.
I hate porn with a passion. Yes because it makes me feel like shit and it's a total fucking dealbreaker and not something I'm willing to tolerate. My partner swore to me he would never use it and that he would be totally honest with me. Was always telling me he doesn't like it and why would he because he has me. Naive I know.
I felt he was being distant with me over the past while but couldn't put my finger on it. No spark, no romance, he didn't seem interested in me much.
I kept trying to talk to him, saying I wanted to spice things up and make it work. Just felt like I couldn't get through to him. In one ear out the other. He'd make all the right noises and tell me what I wanted to hear but nothing ever changed.
So this morning before he set off I had fallen asleep on the sofa. I woke up a little while later and went looking for OH, called him and no reply. Saw his stuff in the hall so knew he hadn't left.
Went into the PC room and found him wanking off to porn. I freaked out. He gave some lame excuse about how he was looking at a "tutorial" video for anal sex because he wanted to do it with me but was afraid to ask. yeah fucking right
Now years ago I was raped by a (then) quite close friend I thought I could trust. As a result I find anal horrible and triggering. Nuff said.
He knows this. We did try it before at his request but it would trigger panic attacks, flashbacks, I'd be vomiting afterwards and I just couldn't do it yet it was all he wanted to do. I felt very pressured into it. Felt like he didn't understand or care and it was all about him. I used to cry during it sometimes and he wouldn't notice.
Eventually I put my foot down and said no more as I couldn't take it anymore. He said he was fine with it and that he was sorry bla bla bla.
Now knowing all this I think it's pretty sick and disrespectful of him to still want to do this shit knowing the effect it has on me. He's been basically letting more and more slip as the day goes on. The story keeps changing slightly. He says he wasn't looking for porn but tips to spice things up, that it was a tutorial video showing him what to do.
His excuse that he wasn't wanking he was measuring himself was the biggest LOL I've had in ages.
He must take me for a fucking idiot.
He's still sticking to that story though. Although he did admit eventually he was wanking but now it's "I wasn't going to finish". As if that makes it any less hurtful? Also he says it's the first time in 5 years it's happened...and I caught him straight away. Am I supposed to believe that? He had plenty of opportunity and he's obviously been doing this for ages hence him not having any fucking interest in me.
It's the fact he can still look me in the eye and lie to me that hurts the most. He just doesn't fucking care. He just wants me to forget all about it and "spice things up" like I'd been saying before I caught him.
BULL-SHIT!
There were other problems in the relationship. Things haven't been going that well in the past 18 months anyway and this is just the straw that broke it iygwim? I always felt that he had no respect for boundaries. He does little or nothing around the house. Sits on his fucking pc all day playing games. Little interaction with the kids.
Basically he wont grow the fuck up.
Honestly this just hurts like a motherfuck. I've been crying, then sarky bitch, angry then crying again. I feel like I'm losing my mind.
I was finally feeling like I could trust him. I felt great since my second arrived as in I always suffered with confidence problems and BDD. For the first time in years I felt like I actually liked what I saw in the mirror.
Now I don't know what to think.
Then again I also I have PND or something along those lines. I'm 90% sure I had it with my first but never sought help as I didn't understand it or the symptoms but it's only when I thought back it really hit me only recently that fuck sake why didn't I realise it?
I have up and down days. Mostly down. Worse since my second was born. Maybe that's why he went looking elsewhere?
I know I need to leave. I don't want to be with him now that I've finally copped on and know what he's like. I can't stand people breaking promises and lying to me.
The other part just doesn't want to believe it and wants to go back to the lala land of denial and pretend he'll go back to the same perfect guy he was when I fell for him which I know isn't going to happen because mr. perfect never existed in the first place.
I know if I stay he'll do it again and again and he'll walk all over me and it'll only get worse.
I still love him obviously. I always will. I'm completely mad about him. 
If he wasn't such a shit he'd be everything I ever wanted. I wish I could switch off.
I confided in my parents who live nearby. They were all trying to reassure me that I'm only 23, got the rest of my life left, will meet the right guy etc.Tbh every relationship I've had I've either been cheated on or treated like shite - I don't think I can ever trust a man again. Secondly I don't even want anyone else. I only ever wanted him. I can't imagine a life with anyone else.
Thirdly (I hope this doesn't cause offence) I've got 2 kids. Nobody will touch me with a 10-foot bargepole.
Talk some sense into me people. Yes he's still in the house but I'm not going to boot him out as he has nowhere to go and I don't want him on the streets. Yes I will let him see the kids. I'll fucking force him if I have to. I just don't know how to cope.
I'm waiting/terrified of the moment, probably tomorrow when he's not here, that I'm going to go through that bit again where it finally really hits me and I have a huge fucking crying meltdown where I do the whole "I can't cope, fuck my life" routine.