Caught partner on porn - tmi and very long

[ItsTheYoniWay]

Kids are asleep for the night. I've had a drink. I know bad idea but I'm a mess. Bear with me people...

Right I'm not wanting to hear from anyone telling me that porn is fine and to just get over it. It's not "fine" in my relationship and I made that very clear to my partner years ago.
Cba to even fucking namechange for this shit. I'm not long here anyway but long-time lurker.

Sorry if this is garbled. Mentally I'm just fried right now.

Bit of background. Partner of 5 years (2 kids - second is just 7 weeks) cheated on me at the beginning of the relationship. Actually he was pretty much just fucking me about at the start, only with me to make another girl jealous (we were late teens). He said some horrible things about me to her that I found out. I stupidly took him back believing that he meant what he said and he would change and he didn't mean it bla bla bla. It was very tough and I struggled with trust issues the whole way through.

I hate porn with a passion. Yes because it makes me feel like shit and it's a total fucking dealbreaker and not something I'm willing to tolerate. My partner swore to me he would never use it and that he would be totally honest with me. Was always telling me he doesn't like it and why would he because he has me. Naive I know.
I felt he was being distant with me over the past while but couldn't put my finger on it. No spark, no romance, he didn't seem interested in me much.
I kept trying to talk to him, saying I wanted to spice things up and make it work. Just felt like I couldn't get through to him. In one ear out the other. He'd make all the right noises and tell me what I wanted to hear but nothing ever changed.

So this morning before he set off I had fallen asleep on the sofa. I woke up a little while later and went looking for OH, called him and no reply. Saw his stuff in the hall so knew he hadn't left.
Went into the PC room and found him wanking off to porn. I freaked out. He gave some lame excuse about how he was looking at a "tutorial" video for anal sex because he wanted to do it with me but was afraid to ask. yeah fucking right

Now years ago I was raped by a (then) quite close friend I thought I could trust. As a result I find anal horrible and triggering. Nuff said.

He knows this. We did try it before at his request but it would trigger panic attacks, flashbacks, I'd be vomiting afterwards and I just couldn't do it yet it was all he wanted to do. I felt very pressured into it. Felt like he didn't understand or care and it was all about him. I used to cry during it sometimes and he wouldn't notice.

Eventually I put my foot down and said no more as I couldn't take it anymore. He said he was fine with it and that he was sorry bla bla bla.

Now knowing all this I think it's pretty sick and disrespectful of him to still want to do this shit knowing the effect it has on me. He's been basically letting more and more slip as the day goes on. The story keeps changing slightly. He says he wasn't looking for porn but tips to spice things up, that it was a tutorial video showing him what to do.

His excuse that he wasn't wanking he was measuring himself was the biggest LOL I've had in ages.
He must take me for a fucking idiot.

He's still sticking to that story though. Although he did admit eventually he was wanking but now it's "I wasn't going to finish". As if that makes it any less hurtful? Also he says it's the first time in 5 years it's happened...and I caught him straight away. Am I supposed to believe that? He had plenty of opportunity and he's obviously been doing this for ages hence him not having any fucking interest in me.

It's the fact he can still look me in the eye and lie to me that hurts the most. He just doesn't fucking care. He just wants me to forget all about it and "spice things up" like I'd been saying before I caught him.
BULL-SHIT!

There were other problems in the relationship. Things haven't been going that well in the past 18 months anyway and this is just the straw that broke it iygwim? I always felt that he had no respect for boundaries. He does little or nothing around the house. Sits on his fucking pc all day playing games. Little interaction with the kids.
Basically he wont grow the fuck up.

Honestly this just hurts like a motherfuck. I've been crying, then sarky bitch, angry then crying again. I feel like I'm losing my mind.
I was finally feeling like I could trust him. I felt great since my second arrived as in I always suffered with confidence problems and BDD. For the first time in years I felt like I actually liked what I saw in the mirror.
Now I don't know what to think.

Then again I also I have PND or something along those lines. I'm 90% sure I had it with my first but never sought help as I didn't understand it or the symptoms but it's only when I thought back it really hit me only recently that fuck sake why didn't I realise it?
I have up and down days. Mostly down. Worse since my second was born. Maybe that's why he went looking elsewhere?

I know I need to leave. I don't want to be with him now that I've finally copped on and know what he's like. I can't stand people breaking promises and lying to me.
The other part just doesn't want to believe it and wants to go back to the lala land of denial and pretend he'll go back to the same perfect guy he was when I fell for him which I know isn't going to happen because mr. perfect never existed in the first place.
I know if I stay he'll do it again and again and he'll walk all over me and it'll only get worse.

I still love him obviously. I always will. I'm completely mad about him. If he wasn't such a shit he'd be everything I ever wanted. I wish I could switch off.

I confided in my parents who live nearby. They were all trying to reassure me that I'm only 23, got the rest of my life left, will meet the right guy etc.Tbh every relationship I've had I've either been cheated on or treated like shite - I don't think I can ever trust a man again. Secondly I don't even want anyone else. I only ever wanted him. I can't imagine a life with anyone else.
Thirdly (I hope this doesn't cause offence) I've got 2 kids. Nobody will touch me with a 10-foot bargepole.

Talk some sense into me people. Yes he's still in the house but I'm not going to boot him out as he has nowhere to go and I don't want him on the streets. Yes I will let him see the kids. I'll fucking force him if I have to. I just don't know how to cope.

I'm waiting/terrified of the moment, probably tomorrow when he's not here, that I'm going to go through that bit again where it finally really hits me and I have a huge fucking crying meltdown where I do the whole "I can't cope, fuck my life" routine.

OP this is one of the most shocking things i have ever read. he is an abusive fuckwit who cares more about his own gratification than anything else. You are only 23 and you deserve the best.
You sound lovely and he is not fit to breathe the same air as you. Please phone Womens Aid.

What the fuck did I just read?

You read about an abusive relationship

Any support for the OP??

Porn is the least of your problems here. You are in a sexually abusive relationship with a man who has raped you. You need to leave him and begin healing. Phone Women's Aid.

My God, what has happened to you in your life that you thought this was what relationships are like?

You think you love this man and can't bear to be without him. I have felt like that and believe me, that feeling goes in time. Things do not change overnight though, it's a long road. But you'll get there. You should learn to expect a vastly better human being than him to be your partner, one who is sensitive to you and genuinely cares. Try to understand why you give your love to someone who is not worthy of it. He is, quite simply, nowhere near good enough for you. You have your whole life ahead of you and will make so much of it if you set your sights higher than this. Try to imagine your children grown and the relationship you would wish for them, then resolve to accept nothing less than that in your own life. Whenever you waiver (there will be many times), remember that whatever example you set to them, that will be their default relationship. That's a scary thought which may help you keep focussed and strong.
Good luck, keep posting, you will find lots of support here.

Op, where are you

Are you ok

Thank you for the replies I wasn't expecting so many. Would have replied sooner but didn't have time.
You've really all made me think of this in a different way. I feel like so much just went over my head and I didn't take it so seriously, like I couldn't see it properly being in the middle of it all iygwim? Like my head was just wrecked. When things were worse than I thought.

Still (obviously) finding things very hard. Whole day has been a blur.

We're all here backing you, Yoni. Take all the time you need, but you do need to change this.

Yoni beyond this difficult time there are much much better days ahead, take care

Againt this is all garbled so forgive me. It's taken me ages.

I know I need to change this. I know I shouldn't stay. Reading this has been a huge wake-up slap in the face...or almost anyway.
I actually cried reading that other people have cried at this. Is it really that bad? I'm probably so messed up I don't realise.

HOW do you let go when you love someone so much? It's like I'm willing him to change even though I know deep down he wont and he'll fuck me over again and again and he doesn't give a shit even though he acts like he does. He's (like the first time) had a fright now after all this and says he'll change, he's sorry, he's cried and he says he'll do anything and he doesn't want to lose me. I don't think any of this is genuine. I've heard all this before and I don't believe a word of it now. The tears are forced, he doesn't care. I know it's all emotional manipulation to get me on his side again. Yet I still love him and can't just let go. I'm a complete idiot. I know I'm doing the wrong thing. Maybe I'm like this because it's still very early days? Maybe in a while I'll finally go "you know what...fuck you" and leave. I don't know. I feel like I'm going through phases like you do with grief.

Weird and stupid thing is we've had rows in the past few weeks where I've said I wanted to leave and I actually could have back then so easily because I was so fed up with living with a manchild. So maybe when the shock wears off I'll just switch off.

I was completely shot to pieces when he cheated on me years ago and all I did was cry and blame myself. Now I'm more angry than anything and so fed up.

Hate the fact I'm not good enough for him. Have never been good enough for him. I was "third best" when he got with me. Only had me because he was insecure. Yet we still had 2 kids. Love them to bits and will never regret ever having them but goddd I had no fucking sense at all.

I've had thought of cheating myself to get even. Pathetic and petty and will just make things worse stooping to his level I know but I can't shake the thought. I'm sick of being the good girl in all this and being pissed around and maybe it's time I changed. I've been totally honest and faithful. He's still lying to me and messing me about. That's not fair and he's had long enough to sort it out.

To me it sounds so much worse written down than what I'm seeing. Probably because I'm from a family who brush everything under the carpet and don't take anything seriously. It's how I was brought up.

When I think about it things were absolutely fucking awful. I do sit and cry on my own on an almost daily basis. I am an absolute mess. I've had alcohol problems because it "improved my confidence" and I have eating disorder because I want to be perfect. Yet it's all for him and because I care so much about what he thinks. I now know how fucked up that is.

When actually the happiest I ever was in my life was the year before and just after I met him. Before things started going to shit. Actually I do feel a lot better in myself than I used to despite all this.
My thoughts keep flitting back and forth. One minute "boo hoo I'm not good enough" and the next I'm I'm realising now that he was the problem all along, not me.

Reading back on what I wrote and thinking about everything I realise he's the insecure fuckwit who is clinging to me because he thinks he can have nobody else.

You people are great you've really showing me sense here. Apart from my family (who I'll admit are far from great) I've got nobody. I only ever had him. Now obviously I can't trust him as far as I can throw him.

And yes I've been drinking again because I don't know what else to do with my nights right now.

Also I admitted to my family earlier that I had a drinking problem in the past. 3 years ago, only for 8 months but was really awful, my whole life revolved around it or I felt I couldn't cope. I had never told anyone because I was ashamed. I saw me as this alcoholic monster. Well I was I guess as I could've copped on to myself but HE made me feel like it too and would use it against me.

Unbeliviably my parents totally understood which I wasn't expecting. They said it was a symptom and not the problem.

You know you can't trust him when he cries and says these things. You are so much better than him and you will have a better life without him, really, you will. It will take a while to get over him, yes, but the sooner you make the decision to start the sooner the pain you feel now will end. Ring Women's Aid and talk it through with them. They will understand and be able to counsel you.

Plenty of people have drinking problems. Don't be ashamed of that. You have survived a lot. You can get over all these things once you are stronger.

Yoni - please don't think "you're not good enough for him", its quite the opposite! You are too good for him.

I know exactly how you feel about thinking you still love him and cannot let him go. I felt that my life was over at 26 when in a similar situation (b/f was all I ever knew, couldn't imagine life without him yet...knew the relationship was wrong. he was abusive in many ways).

So its easy to turn to drinking, self-doubt creeps in, you lose confidence, self-esteem is eroded and you are left with just weak hope that things will change for the better. The good news is you can take control of your life & you aren't alone. Please speak to someone IRL like Women's Aid, they will help you take steps you need.

What snazzy said!

Thanks. I haven't mentioned it before but I'm in Ireland and I'm pretty sure there's no Women's Aid here. I don't actually know what the equivalent is in my area. Seems like fuck all tbh.

I'm actually going to my GP tomorrow. I'm hoping I can talk to her about my depression etc. I just think they'll slap me on meds like last time (I went a year ago) and leave me at that. It did fuck all.
I was never one for believing in councelling. I know you need to find the right one that suits. But I haven't got the money for that shit. But I think they have a free councelling thing in my area. I'm so desperate I'll give anything a try.

He is an abusive fuckwit and his crying is emotional blackmail to get his own way. Glad you are going to see GP tommorrow. He does NOT deserve you You ARE too good for him.

Ask the GP to recommend local counselling services. There may be some that give support to rape victims or victims of abuse who could counsel you. Also, maybe worth emailing Women's Aid in Britain and asking if they can tell you what the nearest equivalent would be in Ireland. They would be more likely to know, perhaps.

You do have to find a counsellor that suits you but once that happens it will really do you good. Definitely pursue it.

There is Women's Aid in Ireland. Their web address is www.womensaid.ie Please look at their site and see if they can help you.

Yoni, I'm in Ireland too. We do have Women's Aid. Hang on....

here you go

Their number is on the back of the door in all the loos in the women's and children's hospitals here. You may have seem the notices "When Home is Where the Hurt Is" ?

Ah thank you Dione. God I didn't even search as I didn't think there was one here. I always thoutght it was in the UK. I do wince at that though because it says domestic violence service...he's not violent. Ok I know he's done things but he's never been violent, never laid a hand on me and I know he never would. Or can it still be DV and not be violent?
I don't know I haven't a clue. It's not something I ever thought I'd be going through.

Rambling again but silly little things really make me sad. Like songs and little things that trigger memories. It's a horrible feeling sometimes.

Like I was out earlier sitting on the grass in a small park while trying to make sense of everything and at one point I just felt like I did when I was younger. When you're a kid and you're so carefree and you think about the future and you've got all these lovely expectations about how life is going to be great when you grow up? Yeah. Never thought back then I'd be such a mess now. Nothing like I expected.
Then on the other hand there was a weird comforting feeling because when I imagined it, it almost seemed like back then. Such a simple thing but brought back so many feelings.
Yeah sorry if it sounds mad. I have weird thoughts like that. It makes me feel so sad. I'm so sentimental it's embarassing.

Only recently together 5 years (anniversary was a fucking disaster ). Actually just thinking. Every V-day, birthday, mother's day, anniversary was just forgotten about or he used the excuse we were skint. Ok sometimes we were (good oul' recession eh?) but I always went and planned things ahead for him. I tried my best. I'd make sure I could do something. Never got anything like that back from him. It's all the little things that matter. I used to think I was being unreasonable and a total bitch about it. Actually no I'm not.

He doesn't love me does he? Is there a point in asking?
Sorry I'm so irritating. I'm even irritating myself here. Thoughts are just pouring out of my head and sometimes I forget what I'm typing and it just goes on and on.

Oh and the fact I told my folks...yeah they understood with things like the alcohol and stuff but they shrugged other things off. So I'm alone again. Nobody fucking gets it.

I'm still more concerned about the porn than anything else that went on. I know how fucked up that is but I can't seem to help it. I love him that much I would take whatever crap he threw at me...just not that.

OH btw will try to answer things as much as I can.

Figgygal I was just a fucking idiot. It was actually this time last year just after my eldests birthday we were thinking and talking about a second. I dunno I went all weird and broody. Things were ok at that particular time...or tbh I don't even know. Something made me think everything was ok. I dunno WTAF I was thinking. Head up my fucking arse as usual. We decided to give it a try and I fell pregnant straight away. Thought things would be ok. HE told me things were ok and I belived him. I don't even think he wanted this baby tbh.

Feel free to call me every name under the sun. I realise how stupid I've been.

One reason I'm scared to go for help is the fact I'm afraid I'll somehow lose my kids. What if they think I'm a fucking nutter and take them off me?