DP won't help

[LimeMilkshake]

DP and I have been together for 6 years, married for 3, we have a DS who is 9 months old.

DS is a pretty bad sleeper. There are a few reasons for his bad sleeping including reflux and I think he also has IBS. We're working on how to improve this.

DP and I agreed when I was pregnant that I would do all the nights (between 11pm and 6.30am) as DP works pretty hard. When we agreed this, I had no idea how hard the nights were going to be and how tired I would get. A few months ago we went on holiday (borrowed a friend's house in the UK) and DS would not sleep in a cot at all - he would only sleep on me. I had a complete meltdown after two nights of about 1 hour's sleep and sat sobbing on the floor at the thought of a third night.
DP refused to help on the basis that the usual method of settling (DP uses an exercise ball to bounce on to settle DS) wasn't available. Eventually I rang my mum and she suggested a helpful way of creating a 'bed' that DS was happy enough to sleep as 'well' as usual in. Our holiday continued.

DS' sleep has recently improved to usually only 2-3 wakes between 11pm and 6.30am (he goes to bed at 7pm but often wakes 2-3 times before 11pm). He's EBF at night and feeds twice between 7pm and 7am. Because of this, I feel I can manage ok with the amount of sleep I am getting and DP not helping doesn't matter.

The last few night though he's been all over the place again with being ill and teething so I have been knackered. Last night he woke at 11.10pm and I asked DP to settle him. DP refused because we were already in bed (DP really doesn't like having to get out of bed once in) and it was after 11pm so my 'turn'. DP knows that I will always go after a few minutes because I won't leave DS to cry (plus the more awake DS gets the longer it will take to settle him).

Anyway, that is all backstory. The reason I am posting in Relationships is that I have never got over DP's flat refusal to help. DP is very 'nice' about it, gives me a cuddle and sympathises, but absolutely refuses to actually DO anything. I feel that there has been a fundamental shift in our relationship and I have lost the trust I used to have in DP. I have tried to explain to DP but I don't feel I am taken seriously because nothign changes.

Am I being unreasonable to expect help with the nights on ocassion? What do other people's DP/DHs do?

Sorry this is so long!

I am fuming on your behalf. What sort of person looks at their partner sobbing on the floor and refuses to help them?! What sort of shit doesn't get out of bed to see to their child because it's 10 minutes past his 'bedtime'.

I'm not surprised that there has been a shift in your relationship, he is not giving you any support when you are struggling and that will take away the security. I would be tempted that he can take his cuddles and sympathy and fuck right off until he grows up and realises that it's not all down to you

FWIW when DS was born, I did all the weekday nights because DP was working and then we split the weekends

Really sorry Lime! But agreeing to something before birth and then holding you to it, when you don't really know what the realities are going be is not right.

I would talk to him, and say you didn't realise night's would be this difficult and you absolutely need his help, and have resented him not at least helping on weekends.

If he won't or can't during weekdays, then push for a break at least for Friday and Saturday night. I think that is fair. Even though you DS is doing better, he could still offer you a break, its terrible having your sleep broken for months on end.

Tell him you are glad he's understand but you really would like a night's rest?
He could at least bring your DS to your bed while you bf and if there is a nappy that needs doing he could do that, at least on the weekends. I don't see any excuse for not helping on weekends. I really wouldn't deal with that kindly. If he was that rude about not helping I'd be turning on lights in the middle of the night and making a lot of noise, just outright say, would you mind??? LOL

And no you're not unreasonable to expect help, I would even push for weekdays once in a while if your really shattered.

I hope things get better for you Lime.

Wow. Sorry if you don't want to hear this OP but he sounds like an absolute bastard. What kind of a shit leaves their partner emotionally overloaded on a holiday and refuses to help with his OWN child? A useless cunt that's who.

I'd be telling him to shove his pathetic cuddles and niceness up his arse, get his lazy selfish backside out of bed and take some responsibility for HIS child. Otherwise you may as well be single for all the help he's giving you.

What your DP needs to grasp is that you would rather sleep at night too...Neither of you bargained on having a spectacularly poor sleeper, so the pre-baby 'agreement' needs to be re-visited. At the very least, DP can get up to DS on Friday/Saturday nights, try to settle him, bring him to you if a feed is due, etc., as tally suggests. If he won't co-operate then maybe weekend days become your catch up time, you take yourself off to bed for a long nap while he cares for DS, or something like that. It's his baby too...

OP, it sounds to me that you and DP need to "renegotiate". Your plans were all well and good but that was before actual reality hit.

If you are not coping then sometimes you actually need to say the words: I'm not coping, please help. Some people are genuinely stupid / selfish enough not to think about it unless you tell them.

Thanks all for your replies. As ridiculous as it sounds, it's helpful to know what really is reasonable. It's hard to trust your own view when you're in the middle of things.

DP and I are going to have a talk about it this weekend. I'm going to ask DP to do Friday or Saturday night I think, just so I get one good night's sleep at least.

I should add, DP is great all the rest of the time. We share just about everything; cooking, chores etc. It is just the night times that I don't get any help with - unfortunately it's the thing I struggle with the most!

Having said that, I guess I needed to hear the bluntness of the replies above. DS is the child of both of us. And it's not fair to use my concern for DS as a way of blackmailing me...

Will see what the weekend brings.

And why should the routine continue on holiday? He's not at work then is he?
Nah - he's a chancer. He can't hold you to a promise like that, or he can...if he's a selfish git.

Words need to be had OP. Yanbu.

I can't help thinking you should take your baby and go back to your mum as she understands and is willing to help and support you.

I hope it goes well for you. My DP is incredibly precious about his sleep, but I must admit he was great when we had to get up regularly in the night (DD is FF, now 14 weeks and sleeping through mostly).

However nowadays on the odd occasion she does wake up (like last night), he's VERY reluctant to help out. I ended up sorting her out despite being the main wage earner and having to be up 2 hours later for work . If this becomes a regular occurrence then I worry that he won't see how unfair he's being.

If he doesn't do either of the weekend nights then he is a shit. Sorry but that is just the truth. Or on holiday. Shit.

Sleep deprivation is used as a method of torture. I went through two years of it with DD. I was very close to a breakdown and DH did over half the weekend nights and took her at 4-5am if she had had a bad night on a weekday. For perspective, DH handles multi-million dollar accounts.

Can you nap during the day?

I just don't believe that 'working hard' is a reason not to get up at night. Looking after a baby in the day is working hard too. FWIW, I used to do nights as I was ebf, but the rule was that i had a lie in on weekends to catch up (only til the next feed, obviously) and I could wake my husband at any point if it all got too much. Usually this would only be on a bad night when it got to 4am and I still hadn't had much sleep.

I am not sure how this will work in a couple of months when we have two, however.

Your DP, for example, is a cunt.

Literally no excuse.

A bloke writes: he 's a cocknozzle. I can remember taking DD out in the car and driving for hours until she dropped off (BF only, weaned late, didn't sleep through until nearly 2.)

AND I was shoving 44 tonne artics up and down the motorway all day!

Yes not nice of him at all. Our LO is 5 months. DP has always helped if I ask him, if LO won't resettle after he's been fed. He works long hours but recognises that I work full time too looking after LO and its not fair for either of us to just "clock off" after dark.

This is awful. What a chancer. You had no idea what you were agreeing to pre-baby.

I used to do the week shifts and DH would do one night at the weekend (also bf baby) When it was really bad he would also do one night during the week too. And my night shift didnt start till midnight!

I hate that men can blackmail their partners in to doing all the child are by ignoring a crying baby. It's fucking bullshit.

I agree. It is fucking dirty.

DP really doesn't like having to get out of bed once in

What is he, 85?

He seems exceptionally precious about his own need to sleep. WTF is he going to do if you, for example, went away for the night? (Difficult when the baby is EBF at night but at 9 months that doesn't need to feel like a permanent thing).

List of things I don't like to do:

Get out of bed once in.
Clean.
Change nappies
Get covered in water, sand and mud.
Say "please be gentle, don't touch, HOT, we don't hit" 4000 times every day.
Have another human 'tickle' me so hard it leaves bruises.
Have food thrown at me on the floor.

I have a toddler. I do all those things because I have to. That is my job. It is your DH's job do the hard stuff too. The lack of sleep is the single worst thing about having children IMO. For your DH to opt out of that is shocking.

I'd kick dh onto the sofa for the next few years, and have the baby in bed with me instead. Less troublesome for you if you only have to adjust your position in bed a bit, in order to feed or calm him.

Really, your dh is being a selfish twat.

OMG . So not only does your dh not help you he actually dares to sympathise when you yet again get up at night. As if your original arrangement was some kind of cast iron immutable law that no man dare cast asunder and is literally prevented from helping.

How dare he sympathise. The reason you are so so tired is not because ds wont sleep but because your dh wont help. How can somebody that loves you bear to see you struggle night after night? How can you not absolutely hate him for his attitude? It is so unkind.

If your mum is willing to help you for a few nights I'd move in with her for a few nights to get my strength back. Then once refreshed I'd go back and lay it on the line.

Another cunt here, I see

and yet, we women stay

why ?

Christ on a bike. What a cock.

Agree this is just not on. You are not even asking him to share it 50/50, only to pitch in when you are really at the end of your rope, and he refuses! And thinks a cuddle makes that OK!

The suggestion about going to your mum's for a few nights is a good one. Here are a couple of others:

• Cut back drastically on anything else you do in the house. If you are coping with this level of sleep deprivation then you are not in a fit state to be doing your usual load of housework. Inform your partner that he will need to pick up the slack there if he refuses to do nights (I assume you didn't sign a contract in blood saying you would cook for him forever more in all circumstances? )

• On weekend mornings, at 6.30am, hand DS to your partner and tell him you are going back to bed for the day and he is solely responsible for DS. Make sure he knows that if he wakes you, you will be extremely angry.

There has been a fundamental relationship change because you have now discovered that he is willing to put himself before you and you son, consistently and at your expense. You might want to explain this to him very clearly and ask him if he is prepared to accept that you, too, now no longer see the two of you as a team, and will be putting yourself ahead of him in future accordingly.

Hope you are getting some sleep and dh has stepped up