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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am I being manipulated, am I doing the right thing?

54 replies

ScrewIt · 04/06/2013 20:06

Hey I'd appreciate some perspective/advice. I'm 4 months pregnant and don't massively trust my own judgement right now.

For the first part of my pregnancy DP was perfect, the model partner, very attentive loving etc. It was a difficult T1 due to sickness and other problems & about 3 weeks ago things settled down.

The better I felt, the less pregnant I felt & DP became concerned that I wasn't bonding with the baby and said that my lack of baby enthusiasm was spoiling it for him, he didn't feel involved or know how to support me any more.

He became more and more withdrawn & distant & unaffectionate -I didn't notice too much/though it would pass. Then it came to a head last week when he started picking stupid fights, just looking for an excuse to argue and eventually blew up over something & said the baby was "the biggest mistake of his life", he hated me & it was over.

This was a day before we were supposed to be going away with my family so I went anyway and then went to my parents for a few days. I told him before I left that he had an hour to make amends & if he didn't I would take it he meant everything he said & he should be gone before I return.

While I was away he text me and said he didn't love me any more and hadn't for a while, that he didn't even like me as a person, pregnancy had made me lazy and boring & it was my fault for making him fall out of love with me.

I returned home today, he's still here. Still not sorry. He could have left so I don't understand why he's here. He said he waned to talk and said that he couldn't leave me because I'm having his baby. I said thanks but no thanks - I don't want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't love me & think I can do a bit better in life than that.

It turns out that over the week I was away he got some very worrying news about his mother & was also sacked from his job for gross misconduct, he had another job lined up but now it looks as though he may not get it due to losing his reference & is also not getting paid now.

He's just sent me a message (separate rooms) saying he's moving out tomorrow & will leave everything because he has given up on everything.

Do I leave him to it? He's going to be the father of my child, should I try to talk to him? We're going to be parents so does that mean I shouldn't just let him go or does it mean I have to just let him go.

He's been horrible to me & now somehow he's the victim. I feel so confused. This baby was planned, we've been together 5 1/2 years. I think this is a pregnancy freak/lash out but its a really harsh one, has anyone been through similar?

Sorry that was so long.

OP posts:

Corygal · 04/06/2013 20:09

Thank the stars he has decided to leave at last, to be honest. He's an idiot and you found out in time.

How awful for you tho - really, really feel for you right now.

Xales · 04/06/2013 20:13

Let him go. Concentrate on you and your pregnancy.

Do not chase after him.

justmuddlingalong · 04/06/2013 20:13

Hi Screwit, I followed your previous post and it sounds like you've decided you would be better off without him. How does what's happened since you've got home change things? He says he doesn't love you anymore and that it's your fault, what's to talk about?

Original poster

ScrewIt · 04/06/2013 20:15

Ok, I can't fix this then, I have to leave him to it?

I'm so scared I'm going to have to do everything on my own. I have no family where I live.

OP posts:

Original poster

ScrewIt · 04/06/2013 20:17

Its not that I decided I'm better off without him I just called his bluff/knew I shouldn't put up with that. Obviously I just want him to go back to the way he was.

OP posts:

suburbophobe · 04/06/2013 20:17

Oh, sweetheart, don't worry, you're going to be just fine on your own with your child (I was! He's 22 in July).

Be thankful you found out his true colours before the baby has come. What a wanker to blame you for the choices he made in life.

You and your baby are better off without this waste of space. I hope you don't evt. take him back. Just make sure he pays for his child.

FrequentFlyerRandomDent · 04/06/2013 20:17

I am very sorry. Some for you.

Congratulations on your baby to be.

I have not been through something similar but I did not want to leave your post unanswered.

Please focus on yourself and the baby.

He needs to go and regroup, or go altogether, or think about life, etc. A visit to the GP may be a good start if he is depressed.

If you are concerned about him, do tell his family for them to take care of him (not for them to guilt trip you into keeping him against his will) or the police should he make suicidal threats (the leaving everything behind comment worried me).

Lweji · 04/06/2013 20:19

Leave him to it.

You may mention to him that there is the possibility that he is depressed or something, but it has to be his responsibility to seek treatment.

TBH it seems like he wants you to grovel for him to go back. Not a good idea. :(

NotSoNervous · 04/06/2013 20:19

Let him leave. He isn't the victim here and if he had fallen out of love with you a while ago then he should have told you then and not have dragged things out. Don't give in and feel sorry for him because it will only bring you down and make your life difficult. I'm sorry your going through this, be strong

Original poster

ScrewIt · 04/06/2013 20:20

Well it worried me too, but part of me thinks he wanted to worry me. I think he probably is a bit depressed.

I don't know how everything can change so quickly. How he can be in love 3 weeks ago and not now.

OP posts:

YoniMatopoeia · 04/06/2013 20:23

So sorry.

Also, sorry, but I have to ask. Do you think there could be someone else? An OW.

justmuddlingalong · 04/06/2013 20:23

You ARE doing everything on your own, getting no support from him! Will you ever be completely settled if you stay together, or will you always be waiting for him to bail out? Look how much your life has changed in the last few months, you've got 5 months to get your life ready for your new baby.

Original poster

ScrewIt · 04/06/2013 20:24

I don't think there is anyone else but anything is possible.

He insisted on trying for this baby, I wanted to wait.

OP posts:

Original poster

ScrewIt · 04/06/2013 20:26

I've never felt once in the last 5 1/2 years that he might bail on me. It felt like forever. This is a total shock.

OP posts:

tribpot · 04/06/2013 20:28

I'm so scared I'm going to have to do everything on my own

You're going to have to do everything on your own whether you stay with him or not. WTF is wrong with him - you're not 'bonding' with the baby? You can't even feel the baby yet, how the fuck are you meant to bond with him or her?

Let him go. He could have left whilst you were away. He didn't, because he wants you to be upset enough to put up with any old shit from him as well as looking after a baby.

BarbarianMum · 04/06/2013 20:28

He's the father of your child so yes, you are going to have to talk but it can wait til he's moved out, and you've changed the locks, at least.

Once he's gone, think about what you want and take it from there. If you think this is some sort of breakdown on his part and want to consider a future together, fine, but make sure you do this from a position of strength.

Xales · 04/06/2013 20:29

It will be far easier to do it all on your own than to do it all on your own with a resentful partner constantly getting at you.

Much better not to be permanently tiptoeing around in case he declares he doesn't love you and ups and leaves at any time.

If he gets sorted take a long time before you trust him and let him back in.

Otherwise as you say there will be better for you out there.

justmuddlingalong · 04/06/2013 20:29

I can understand you being in complete shock, all your plans for the future, starting a family together. I'm so sorry that the happily ever after you wanted is now in doubt, but you still have a happy future ahead of you, it just doesn't feel like it just now.

SanityClause · 04/06/2013 20:33

I think you are right about the pregnancy freak out thing, but he needs to sort it out, not you.

Suggest he gets some counselling, and then you need to concentrate on you and your baby.

Hope for the best, but plan for the worst.

Original poster

ScrewIt · 04/06/2013 20:33

I know you're right. But part of me thinks if he goes I could never take him back, you don't get to go and and have your fun then pick back up. I could never forgive that so if he goes we'll never be a family.

But I do know you're right because thats what I was thinking anyway, I can't let him manipulate me. Any reconciliation at this point has to come from him. He has to own his behaviour. Its just so hard.

OP posts:

Justfornowitwilldo · 04/06/2013 20:39

For whatever reason he is lashing out at you and doing everything he can to get out of your relationship. It really sounds like this is 100% about him and how he's (not) dealing with the pregnancy and nothing to do with you. Whatever is going on with him you can't fix it for him.

All you can do is focus on looking after yourself and getting some support around you.

Have you told anyone in RL?

justmuddlingalong · 04/06/2013 20:39

Would he be up for going for some counselling?

badinage · 04/06/2013 20:40

What did he do that constituted gross misconduct? Have you seen any of the paperwork?

There would usually be an investigation before a sacking, so was he suspended from work and lied to you about being there?

Original poster

ScrewIt · 04/06/2013 20:48

I've told all my family and some of my friends in RL, trying to make it real & deal with it.

I don't think he would be up for counseling, or possibly even accept he needs it.

His work thing was an ongoing situation, he was being forced out due to the company having to downsize & him being last in. I knew what was happening and they played quite dirty, its been a bit of an ongoing stressful situation. He gave his notice with my knowledge to get in there first & they said they would give him half pay and his reference would be good if he just went quietly without raising a grievance about it all. he did & now its pay day he's found out they weren't good to their word.

OP posts:

JacqueslePeacock · 04/06/2013 20:51

Yes - how do the news about his mother and the gross misconduct fit into this? Is there something else going on in his life which is causing him to behave like such a giant twat?

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