Am I being manipulated, am I doing the right thing?

[ScrewIt]

Hey I'd appreciate some perspective/advice. I'm 4 months pregnant and don't massively trust my own judgement right now.

For the first part of my pregnancy DP was perfect, the model partner, very attentive loving etc. It was a difficult T1 due to sickness and other problems & about 3 weeks ago things settled down.

The better I felt, the less pregnant I felt & DP became concerned that I wasn't bonding with the baby and said that my lack of baby enthusiasm was spoiling it for him, he didn't feel involved or know how to support me any more.

He became more and more withdrawn & distant & unaffectionate -I didn't notice too much/though it would pass. Then it came to a head last week when he started picking stupid fights, just looking for an excuse to argue and eventually blew up over something & said the baby was "the biggest mistake of his life", he hated me & it was over.

This was a day before we were supposed to be going away with my family so I went anyway and then went to my parents for a few days. I told him before I left that he had an hour to make amends & if he didn't I would take it he meant everything he said & he should be gone before I return.

While I was away he text me and said he didn't love me any more and hadn't for a while, that he didn't even like me as a person, pregnancy had made me lazy and boring & it was my fault for making him fall out of love with me.

I returned home today, he's still here. Still not sorry. He could have left so I don't understand why he's here. He said he waned to talk and said that he couldn't leave me because I'm having his baby. I said thanks but no thanks - I don't want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't love me & think I can do a bit better in life than that.

It turns out that over the week I was away he got some very worrying news about his mother & was also sacked from his job for gross misconduct, he had another job lined up but now it looks as though he may not get it due to losing his reference & is also not getting paid now.

He's just sent me a message (separate rooms) saying he's moving out tomorrow & will leave everything because he has given up on everything.

Do I leave him to it? He's going to be the father of my child, should I try to talk to him? We're going to be parents so does that mean I shouldn't just let him go or does it mean I have to just let him go.

He's been horrible to me & now somehow he's the victim. I feel so confused. This baby was planned, we've been together 5 1/2 years. I think this is a pregnancy freak/lash out but its a really harsh one, has anyone been through similar?

Sorry that was so long.

Does he have anything in writing from his previous employer re pay and reference?

Sorry, X posts!

Could the job situation be influencing how he is behaving? Not saying it's an excuse (it's absolutely not) but it does sound very stressful and not at all conducive to planning a baby's arrival.

It sounds like he's quite depressed (and probably not a proper arsehole but the depression making him lash out).

Having been very depressed myself I'm not sure I'd kick him out to be honest, I'd probably insist upon him going to gp for medication and/or counselling and if he wasnt willing to help himself then itd be time to go. I don't think these are his 'true colours' as a PP said.

Well the stress of not working for a while doesn't help, he has been offered a job but has been waiting weeks for the start date (all references, crbs etc have to be in place and then a group induction date has to become available).

The thing with his mum wasn't until after he ended it but is icredibly stressful so doesn't help now.

Money worries.

First baby panics.

Everything agreed with his job was all done verbally.

I know all these things will be contributing which is why I could forgive him if he was sorry. But he's not. Does he have to go to realise the consequences of his behaviour? Its all understandable reasons, but no excuse if you know what I mean.

It is understandable. But not entirely forgivable. He may well be worried about money and supporting his family financially, but the lack of emotional support is what would worry me.

Yes, absolutely he does! Because he's still under the impression that it is OK to treat you this way.

Ok. He said he doesn't love me, there's nothing I can do with that.

I have to let him go. I think he's moving in with his sister so I'll tell her I think he may be depressed and there's no more I can do really. He's with family, he'll have support.

You seem so strong. If virtual hugs and of any help ((((hugs)))). I am glad you have told your family. You need all the support you can get.

Try not to panic. Don't beg him to stay. Let him go and use all the support you can from family, friends and MN to get you throught the next few days.

*through

Right, so now what about you? You've no family where you live, which is not ideal if you're looking at becoming a lone parent in a few months' time.

On a practical level, do you have people around who ensure you've got someone on hand if you want to have someone go to your scan with you? I appreciate it's too early for you to start getting your head round this but are there any options for moving back nearer to family? Do you have a good support network of friends?

Your job now is to take care of you and your baby.

Thank you for your responses, its helped. I'm sure I'll be back over the next few days, stand by with your 'Nooo don't call him' responses.

We're all on stand by...

I am doing well at work and have a great job with a supportive boss and good income. I can't just walk away from a job like that, I love it.

Friends are few if I'm honest. I have a handful that are younger than me and probably at a different stage in their life. I'm not sure how much support I can count on from most of them. I'll probably find I have 1 or 2 friends that are there.

I can move home any time I want but want to try not to. Its going to be so hard I know it is.

OP no real advice to offer but you are obviously very strong and your baby will be lucky to have you. There are lots of knowledgeable people here who will offer good advice, pick the bits that are helpful and don't be afraid to ask for support when you need it.

Is he the one you have posted about before that has successive problems in various jobs? It sounds like he is trouble in whatever he does in his life - work, relationships, whatever. This type of person is often best avoided. It can take a while to see them for what they really are but he just sounds like trouble, sorry. I think you are better off without him. He doesn't seem to possess the skills to do well in life.

The scenario you outline doesn't match up with being sacked for gross misconduct at all.

Have you seen any of the paperwork relating to the dismissal?

I only briefly skipped over the work thing. I've seen some of the stuff, its not a genuine gross misconduct situation, they wanted him out so have botched it through. He has a really good case to appeal precisely because they haven't followed procedures, adhered to time frames and submitted the correct paper work & obvs because its all BS. It all started when things were fine between us and I've seen it progress. They've just got him on technicalities, if you get 3 disciplinaries in a certain time frame its gross misconduct, so he got 1 for missing a training session, 1 for being £30 over his wages budget, 1 on some customer complaint that was clearly not genuine due to the language used. He'd already resigned but they're trying to get out of paying his notice period which they told him to not work - verbally, he's appealing it.

I've only posted once before & it wasn't about that, it was when this started last week.

I told him I think he may be depressed & should seek help, he went on the attack and said he's not and its just typical me trying to find excuses to blame everything on him. I didn't get drawn into it. There's no insight there, just anger, I can't reason with that.

Ok, was just wondering whether something had happened at work that could shed more light on his current behaviour. Do bear in mind though, that what he's told you about why they wanted him out is only his version of events. For example, it's not unheard of if someone's in an inappropriate relationship with someone a firm values more, to 'get rid' of the most expendable one - and find the evidence to fit that aim.

I'm afraid that I too think the most likely reason for his behaviour is someone else. Be careful of letting him reconcile with you at some point (should he or you want to) without making absolutely certain there isn't. You don't want to be the fallback guy.

As things stand, I think you've got to accept what he's saying and press on ahead with your own life. This is a horrible thing to have happened to you though, so do get as much support as you can.

That's a good point & I'll keep it in mind. TBH although I haven't posted it he has gone through a lot of jobs in the last 5 years and I think I have an idea as to the reasons why. He rubs people up the wrong way, his manager has mentioned to him before all this started that he was too negative & didn't accept responsibility & I think that's why he had to go out of the 2 managers it was between. I honestly don't think it was someone else, at work anyway, since he's been off the last month? Its not impossible I guess.

If he says he doesn't love me - he doesn't love me I guess, he should know. I can't believe this is happening to me. Now to see if he stays true to his word and moves out tomorrow.

Rubs people up the wrong way? Doesn't take responsibility? He sounds delightful!

Do your parents want to help?
Home might be a good place to save up some money before the baby comes.

Is there any way you could organise a treat for you and baby, some relaxation, tlc and time to yourself?

Congratulations on your pregnancy by the way and I wish you all the best.

I hope he moves out tomorrow and that you can be strong enough to let him. In time you will look back on this and wonder why you put up with it for so long.

He didn't love you 3 weeks ago and he doesn't love you now. His issue, not yours.

You will cope, you will be fine - and if you are anywhere near me (south east) I'd love to help you out with the baby when it comes. Nothing like newborn snuggles and I'm good with a load of washing etc too. Focus on your baby and yourself - not on this waste of space.

So what you're describing is a complete about turn 3 weeks ago? That's why it doesn't sound like depression to me. It's not an instant thing that goes from 0-60 in 3 weeks.

Think back then to what was going on about 4 weeks ago. Did he have a leaving drink? Has he been out with former colleagues? Did he make a new online friend? How's he been filling his time while you were at work?

My family are in the NorthWest & I'm in the NorthEast, not south unfortunately.

He seems to have spent his time mostly sat on the couch, watching TV, drinking cans alone, eating junk & generally complaining about his weight, that he's old & feeling sorry for himself. None of the pride in appearance etc i would usually place with an affair. It would have to be an online one, some days he's not even dressed.

4 weeks ago he was working a lot & stressed about his job & how much he hated it. Was a bit resentful that he felt I had pushed him into taking it. All our socialising was together, we even shared a car journey to/from work. I would meet him at work & he even offered my friend a job there when they lost theirs.

Lately he's just wanted to drink, which isn't like him, has gone on about things like wanting to go to Ibiza instead of baby or pregnancy suitable stuff, looking up what DJs are playing locally & complaining about missing out.

It's all quite mid-life crisis-y really.

My BF's husband had an affair after massive weight gain and feeling a bit old and unattractive. Think that appearance thing's a bit of a myth tbh and I've read similar stories on here.

So has he been spending a lot of time online looking up DJs and reacquainting himself with the clubscene? I'd guess they have forums?